Breaking up: Tell them whats wrong with them?
 

I noticed two basic break up patterns. I am sure there are more.

1. As the relationship disinitegrates you start fighting more and tearing eachother up until one of you can't stand it anymore . . and then bang.

2. As the relationship fades one of you starts getting indifferent . . calling less . .. becoming less attentive. . . until someone can't take it anymore and then bang.


Ok I used to be number 2 in high school . .. and then i realized that relationships were as much about actions as feelings. So even if you feel less you should still behave well towards the other person . .. be romantic and sensitive until you absolutely don't want to be with that person anymore.

However, this had wierd side effects: What it meant is that i didn't give any clues before a break up. None. I was just as sweet and romantic at the end as at the beginning.

So then we just would . . cut it.

And they would always want to know whats wrong . . . and I wouldn't tell then because it just seemed cruel. Why would I list someone else's faults? Who am I to do that anyway? I am far from perfect. So I would just cut contact cold turkey.

So to sum up: I was attentive and romantic to the break-up minute. I gave no reason except it wasn't working out. And then I cut contact.

I have been told by girl-pals that that is wrong. That I should tell someone what is wrong with them . . .

So anyway . . what do you guys think?

Well my sweet handsome James-

I think a girl (or guy in the reverse situation) has the right to know what went wrong. I mean if so much of their time and effort has gone to maintaining the relationship...dont you think they should know their faults? That way...even if things did work out w/ you and the person then at least something positive could come out of it....and that would be a learning experience.

Although it would be easier just to let it go...some ladies are very emotional and would like to know...thats just from what my 22 years have taught me...but then again it could be different for others.

I agree with you that telling them what is wrong with them while you're breaking up with them is cruel. Tell them that if they still want to know in a couple months they should give you a call and you'll tell them then. Chances are that they won't call.

I suppose it would be okay, in most situations, to give them the censored, sugar-coated version of what's wrong. But to be like, "So anyway, I'm breaking up with you out of the blue, and by the way, you suck in bed and you're not very smart" just seems kind of . . . mean.

Also, the only reason they would want to know such things is so that when they're bitching about the breakup to their friends they can make you into the villain. "And then -- he told me that I suck in bed and I'm not smart enough for him, wah!" "How DARE he? You're too good for him!" That sort of thing.

I was once the same way, I never knew how to answer the girls when they asked what was wrong with them. I didnt know what the problem was, I just didnt like them as much as I once did. Then one day I realized we, as men, use girls for sex. When we get tired of them and can't put up with their crap anymore....we dump them, or vice vera. Thats why I don't understand why in the world people get married at young ages. The way I see it, by the time a guys in his mid/late 20s he's already got most of his sex craze out of his system and doesnt feel like going around banging every chick he can. That said, by the time a guy does decide to take that marriage step.....he's no longer using girls for sex anymore. I think the situation you mentioned in number 2 will fade with maturity. Its called not stringing a girl along if your feeelings have changed. As soon as you reckonize your feelings have changed you need to end things with the chick. You don't need to give them any reason in particular. You can just tell them you dont feel the same anymore. Thats the good thing about dating....you can wake up one morning and leave the girl and there's nothing wrong with it.



- You forgot the pattern of when someone cheats, its pretty common.


Craig

I would like to know the reasons why, but I would like them straight up, not a break up out of no where.

This is because, while it may hurt in the short run, I look at it as being beneficial in the long run. Who knows? That information may be the same thing that is causing problems or break ups for me in other relationships. If i know what's wrong, I can work on correcting it. Then it wont be a problem for the next relationship. My psychologist has agreed with this as well and in recent months encouraged me to find this out from ex's. Those that I have talked to, have told me similar things. So I look at it as beneficial that I now know that information and I'm now working on those issues, so they wont be an issue anymore.

I wouldn't launch into a list of their faults and tell them every single thing they did wrong. However, I think that if you're breaking up with someone out of the blue, you at least owe them an explanation.

I know I used to ask guys why, back in high school. As I got older, it became a bit more apparent why we were breaking up. I remember crying and asking my boyfriend "What happened?" on the phone my freshman year. He acted like everything was fine all the way until we broke up. To give me a crappy, "it just wasn't working out," was cowardly. I had to learn the truth months later from my best friend, who kept it from me because she wanted to spare my feelings. And all the problem was that the kid lost interest (later I realized it was because he thought he could be a player and soon learned he was wrong). I would have gotten over it a lot quicker if he would have just told me what the hell was wrong, instead of leaving me to wonder and mentally beat myself up about it.

If you're going to break up with someone, don't say something awful like, "You suck in bed." Just tell them the truth in a manner that a human being deserves. After all, you don't like it when someone you cared about trashes you, right?

There needs to be closure to any breakup. Otherwise, there's going to be a lot of raw emotion on the part of both parties.

The closure shouldn't happen at the moment of the breakup - it can't, really. It's just cruel to suddenly say to someone out of the blue, "We're through, here's some stuff you left over at my place, oh and by the way, you're terrible in bed and you have no personality." It's doubly cruel if the dumpee thought things were going well up until that moment. Both of you will be emotional and it's not the right time for a diatribe.

Let some time go by, a few weeks, a couple of months, whatever, until you can stand to be in each other's presence. Then, try to have a mature conversation about why things didn't work out. Usually both partners bear some of the "blame" for why the relationship didn't last.

And while we're on the topic of breakups, for heaven's sake, be a gentleman or a lady and break up with your S.O. in person, or at least on the phone. Don't wimp out and use IM, email, text messaging, etc.

Personally I wouldn't want to know why. I prefer thinking that he just changed his mind. Not that I have ever been dumped. ;)

Well how do you prep them for the break-up without being an ass?

If no one likes a "bolt from the sky" break up. And you want to be charming and funny and romantic . .. what do you do?

How do you let her know without letting her know?

Without doing one of the first two things I mentioned before in the first post.

I don't think it's always necessary to tell them what's wrong. What you don't like another person might.

For example, if you told you girlfriend you were breaking up with her because she wasn't agressive enough (whether it be in bed, or whatever) and so she thinks okay, guys want agressive girls and she becomes more agressive, but the next guy dumps her because she is too agressive and tells her that, all she ends up becoming is confused.

Sometimes, it's just best to keep your mouth shut.

I agree. Jut say the words. Listen this isn't working out. Its over.

Then immediataly cut off all contact. Call block them etc.

I don't think you should tell a person "what's wrong with them" but why your relationship with them wasn't working out. For instance, perhaps you two are going in different directions in life. Things that you used to enjoy together are no longer fun. Maybe this is something that you two can work out, and maybe it's not. Maybe you just want out for other reasons. I thinks it's easiest to be honest with someone. You don't have to tell them that they suck in bed or other mean comments like that, but atleast come to terms with them about why you think the relationship should end.

There's my $0.02.... :)

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