Problems with Bigs/lils
 

Have any of you ever had problems with your big sis or lil sis?


My big sis and lil sis no longer talk to me. They both quit Theta this semester, yet still think of themselves as good Thetas, because they know the ritual and that they shouldnt give back anything with their letters or the crest on it.

Both of them took jobs and began working lots of hours last spring. Eventhough they were required to ask off work 6 weeks in advance(they worked at the hospital), some things they werent able to attend, but other things they knew enough in advance to attend, especially meeting. Neither of them came to rush workshop this summer, or to rush. While one shouldve been excused from rush for a family emergency which required her to be in Florida, the other just worked. Both said they could no longer afford to be in Theta and without having trying to get put on payment plan first, one just quit and didnt attempt for financial inactivity, and the other tried for financial inactivity and was not granted it. They both got mad at Theta saying Theta wasnt their for them when they needed sisters and support. Well my opinion is, for the sisters that did know their problems, they were instructed not to say anything to anyone else, therefore the majority of the sisters were in the dark abotu what was going on. Neither of them made efforts to find out what they missed in meetings, or to make an effort to come to what they could come to, therefore the chapter impression on them was that they werent contributing as much as the others were to the chapter. While I am sympathetic to their situations, they did not like it that i pointed out valid reasons as to why they are not looked highly on by the chapter, and why the other was not granted financial inactivity (her attitude last spring and the latter part of last fall probably also played a part in it as well). It saddens me that they do not talk to me anymore (they both live together). Since they became my big and my lil i have always envisioned them being in my wedding :(
I was wondering what other Thetas here thought about this situation.

Re: Problems with Bigs/lils
 

Mary-

Wish I could give you a big sister (( hug ))

First, I have been thinking about your situation for a while, trying to figure out how to answer without sounding like an old lady ;-)

From the Theta side of me, I have to say that if Theta meant so little to these girls, I don't know if they are worthy of your heartache. I know they wouldn't be to me. They threw away something that is precious and meaningful to me and I am sure to you, too. I meant it when I took my vows. I don't know that they valued what Theta offered to them very seriously. I don't see them as any part of Theta, much less "good Thetas". This is just the thought I have after reading what you explained about them... I may sound pretty harsh, but that's my thought.

Second, believe it or not, I still remember all the dreams I had for years about my wedding. I made a lot of them come true. This dream about your sorority sisters being your bridesmaids sounds lovely, but things change. Life changes. Things happen. People grow up & apart. Try not to put too much of that wedding dream into "semi-hard-concrete" while you are still in college. Life has a way of giving you a kick in the butt if you plan too hard.

Take care

Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with all of this.

Although my big and little both stayed in the house (well, my lil graduates this springs, so hopefully she'll stick it out), I am not close to either of them. In fact, when I look at all the bigs and little in my house, many of them aren't close. I think that we build up this huge idea in our heads that we are supposed to be extra-tight with these girls, but it's just not so. The big/lil relationship get blown out of proportion sometimes, I think.

On another, non big-lil note, my chapter has struggled with retention for a while, and many girls claim that it's a money issue (funny, since it's really inexpensive to live in our facility, but that's another issue). Many of them didn't want to live in the house and "follow the rules," so they simply dropped out. My pledge class of 35 ended up as a senior class of 5. I hate to say it, but I really didn't keep in touch with the girls who left. In fact, most people didn't. And, on the other hand, I had a great respect for the girls who did stick with it... those are the girls who would probably be my bridesmaids (well, if we didn't decide we are going to elope.)

To make a long post longer...
it's hard to watch the dynamics of the house change, especially in these sort of situations. Good luck, and I'm so sorry you've had to go through all that- I understand how difficult it can be.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. When I was in college, both my big and my two littles resigned their memberships (well, my 2nd little did after I graduated). Some just don't see the reward of Theta membership that the rest of us are reaping throughout our whole lives, so they choose not to be Thetas anymore. For some, it's just not their "thing". For others, they never put enough into it to get a lot out. Some fill the need in another way. For others, the money and/or time commitment is a real issue.

Give them some space (but be receptive to any reaching out they might do), and maybe in a while you guys can find something in common outside of Theta. If not, try to not worry about it. Know that for the rest of your life, Theta can continue to bring you new friendships. I have formed many fabulous, deep friendships with other Thetas since I graduated 12 years ago.

A side note, and I know this will make me sound like an old lady (which some would argue I am), while you are feeling disappointed and sad about this situation, be very conscientious about how and to whom you talk about this situation. It would be easy (and human nature) for the chapter to collectively vent about these two former members. As much as possible, take the high road and help the chapter focus on itself. Move forward as a chapter and focus on the current and future members.

Just curious - did they turn in their badges?

loyally,
Jane

Thank you all for posting your replies. I'm glad to have the support of true sisters :)