please help a very upset greek!!
 

hey gang,

i feel very comfortable here and thought i'd like to share an experience/story with you all and ask some advice. you can respond here, or to me personally at leighbwon@gurlmail.com :

i'm going to be a senior at the university of hartford. i hate it there. i'm only going back right now to finish up and get my degree, but i just can't stomach the thought of being there another year. the reason is because my sophomore year, i was raped on campus. it's a very well-known fact around campus that this happened to me (thanks to numerous newspaper articles and a blabbermouth fraternity). as any rape survivor will know, my life will never be the same again. the university did NOTHING in its power to help me or my family when we needed it most. it really bothers me to think that i have to go back there again in one month.

i've been researching ithaca college, because thier program for my major is just about as good, if not better than the one at my school. the problem i face is taking a semester off, coming in spring semester as a transfer student (if that's even possible), making up credits and possibly graduating later than i already would. to be perfectly honest, other than finishing my degree ASAP, the only reason i'm staying is for my sisters. i love them SO much and even though there's a chapter at ithaca, since the rape they've been my support system away from home. they've helped me through everything when the university refused to. to leave them would just about break my heart.

so basically, i'm asking for guidance from fellow college students/greeks with an unbiased opinion. any sister of mine that i ask would tell me to stay, as would any other friend from school. my parents support me 100% in any decision i make and know that these thoughts are prevalent in my mind right now. if you or your best friend/sister/brother were in this situation, what would you tell them to do? i'm not asking for miracle answers, just honest opinions. the whole situation is very depressing and stressful to me right now and i feel quite overwhelmed. thank you immensely for any advice you can provide and i'll be sure to reply to anyone who e-mails me privately as well.

much love,

etienne
sigma alpha iota-the hartt school of music...for now.....

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"red is the color of music and has been since the very earliest of times. the caps of faeries and musicians are well-nigh always red."~*~w.b.yeats

"I think that happiness is when you can let yourself feel every emotion you want at any time instead of being a lying little fuck." - Tori Amos

Etienne,

Your happiness if of the utmost importance here. Do what you think is best. Even if that means graduating later than you planned. Use the time off to do an internship or something else that would help you in your career field. Don't go back if you feel uncomfortable.

Take Care,
Cookee

EtienneSAI
First I would like to say that I am very sorry that you had to endure such a predicament. No one should have to go through what you have suffered.
Now as far as the advice, I think that the major factor in your decision will be how extreme your discomfort is. I say this is for two reasons: 1)As you have stated, you have a very strong support system in place at the school and 2)You just have one more year. Both of these things are good reasons to remain at your current school, because although there is a chapter of your sorority at Ithaca, the will not know you like the ones on your campus do. Because even if you transfer, that won't make the rape vanish and so support will still be an important factor. If you feel as though your academic pursuits have been compromised or that your safety is continuing to be compromised than by all means transfer right away.
I can not pretend to know what you have gone through. And such as it is, my advice might be totally worthless because of this. Once again, I am sorry that you have had to endure this. Just one more thing, if you are not seeing someone about this, perhaps you should consider that as well. Maybe they could help you reconcile some of these feelings that you are experiencing.

P.S. I posted this openly, because if there are others who have had similar experiences--but do not want to reveal it for whatever reason--it would be beneficial for them to read this as well.

Dear...does the rest of your school treat you negatively because of the rape and if so in what way? If they are mocking you or treating you wrongly AT ALL as a whole, that may overwhelm you. No matter how much support you have that's a rough thing to say the least to deal with. A rape is hard enough to deal with let alone a university that won't let you move on with your life. All I can say is follow your heart. How do you feel when you wake up in the morning there. do you dread the day before you or do you wake up and try to smile because you're healing as a result of your sisters. All that matters now is you feelings.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It has to be very difficult.
I also have a sister who is transferring this fall. She is very unhappy at out university. I don't like it taht she won't be here, but as her sister and friend, I know that I have to support any decision she makes. And while I would love her to stay, I love her enough to let her go somewhere where she is happy. So, my advice to you, is to go where you will be happy. If you're not comfortable where you are. Your sisters should be supportive. I hope this helps.

"Summer rains turn into snow, but no matter where you live or how far you go, sisters are forever."

Etienne,

I can relate to your predicament. I, too, was raped my sophomore year and am about to finish up my senior year at the same university. It really is a tough road, and I want to tell you how great it is that you have gotten so far.
You seem to have a strong support system at your school. That's a great thing. The problem is this: is being in a place where you are so uncomfortable hindering your recovery from this? Does it make it harder to confront the memories, feelings, and aftereffects? Do you still see the guy? The other thing to remember is that no matter where you go, you will still have the memory. You can't run from it (believe me, I tried) and you can't make it go away by leaving the scene.
I lived in the apartment where I was raped for almost a year after it happened because I was stuck in a 12 month lease. I was pretty miserable. When I was able to move, it didn't solve the basic problems, but it did help because the situation wasn't on my mind every time I walked in the room. That helped me realize that it was in the past, I had survived it, and I would get better. It could be the same with you.
If you are truly uncomfortable at your campus, I don't know that it is worth it to stay there and hurt for another year. I ended up putting off graduation by a semester because I dropped some classes so I could deal with the stress. It was a really good decision at the time. If you are miserable, then you have to make the space for yourself to get better. You might take the semester off and decide on the basis of how you feel. If being without the support of your sisters is really hard for you, harder than it has been to be at your school, then you can re-enroll. If you feel better not being there, then transfer. That would allow you to keep your options open.
Also, I would really suggest that you try some counseling. It can really be helpful, especially in facing things that linger on about the rape.
One other reccommendation. I have been on an email support list for about a year now and it has been a real help to be able to talk to people who have been through things and see their positive outlooks and hear good advice. The list I am on is based off the website http://survive.org.uk. It has played a really huge role in letting me recover.

Hope I haven't blathered on too long, and that I've helped a little.

Many hugs from a fellow survivor,
Elisa

elisa,

you've helped a lot, trust me! so has everyone else. this will never be easy and you're right, i can't run from it.

i don't think i'm going to transfer. the reason behind this is because in talking to my mother (who's also a therapist) and father, i came to realize that it was partially the CAMPUS that was making me miserable but also the fact that he was still there. the university did not kick him off campus, even after teh state of CT found him guilty, because they said it was a "he said, she said story and i could provide no sufficient evidence." don't even START me on that....but anyhow. he graduated this year so next year will be completely different: i can walk around campus with a *little* more safety than before and my sisters will still be there for me. if i run away to ithaca, that's all i see myself doing, is running away. the rape will still be with me.

elisa, do you find it hard to believe that the rape will be a part of your life forever? we've both been going through this abut the same length of time. how have you been handling things? are you in therapy or on meds? i'm with both. i'm on zoloft and seeing my mum's colleague every week, which i think is a good thing.

also, to other greeks out there...what have your organizations done, if anything, to combat the issue of date rape on campus? have your brothers/sisters talked about keeping yourselves safe, keeping each other safe, managing the aftermath that sometimes comes with parties? has there been any education on your part to the campus? just curious...

etienne

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"red is the color of music and has been since the very earliest of times. the caps of faeries and musicians are well-nigh always red."~*~w.b.yeats

"I think that happiness is when you can let yourself feel every emotion you want at any time instead of being a lying little fuck." - Tori Amos