Forgive and Forget
 

Feeding off of Original's Topic, I wanted to reverse the question. Your mate has just revealed to you that he/she has been cheating. Would you forgive and forget, and either way, would you stay?

I would be hurt, angry, maybe a little confused but if I truly loved and cared for this man, I would forgive him. Clearly he used bad judgement, and yes, he disregarded my feelings when he did what he did...but it is not worth ending an otherwise good relationship over. If I did leave him because he cheated, I would have to really question just how much I loved him in the first place...if I could discard him so quickly just how deeply did I love him? He may have messed up and jeopardized the relationship, but me ending it is permanent. We all make mistakes, I would just have to pray that he actually learned from his...because repetitive cheating I do not tolerate.

[This message has been edited by Sexy Mocha (edited August 22, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Sexy Mocha (edited August 22, 2000).]

Sexy Mocha...you must be a forgiving person. As for what you said about questioning how much I really loved him in the first place if I could leave him...HE cheated on ME. There are a lot of things I can forget (coming over late, cancelling plans,white lies etc.) because you right, we are human and make mistakes. Sometimes mistakes are forgivable but regardless, we must all be accountable for our actions. They have consequences and I think his ass should have thought about that before he laid down w/ another women! (Chile, don't get me started http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif) When someone cheats they have the intention of not getting caught. And someone who does't care about the consequences doesn't care about you.
I have to say that my answer is twofold...if we were just dating 4 mo. or 4 years I would leave him...in my personal opinion, we have no future left to build on. I could not marry a man who cheated on me. Why start a marriage with such a rocky past? And by forgiving and forgetting I feel I am leaving too much room for him to test my limits.
Now, if I was married, which I am...I would like to say I would TRY to work it out. The operative word is TRY. I took vows and I take my marriage very seriously. If that means counseling or moving to the cornfields of Iowa away from all Black women, hey, that's what we'd have to do. That would be after a whole lot of being mad and hurt and feeling betrayed. My husband and I have talked about this before and he said that he doesn't think that I would be able to get over it and I would leave because I don't let things go. I think he is right. I can forgive but I can't forget.

[This message has been edited by AsianMoon (edited August 23, 2000).]

AsianMoon, first, I am a very forgiving person. It is something that my parents have always instilled in me. My mom has been a minister ever since I can remember, and one of her favorite things to say to us is, "If God can forgive you for your sins, what makes you think you're too good to forgive?" I used to be like you...having a problem with letting things go...but I have grew older and wiser and have realized that when you don't learn how to let things go, whatever it is will eat at you until it all but drives you crazy.
Secondly, yes he cheated on you...which I see as temporarilyusing bad judgement and a blatant disregard/disrespect for your feelings but that's all it is. I have always wondered about women/men who actually believe that their significant other, who has been deeply in love with them for years, all of a sudden doesn't love them anymore because they cheated http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/rolleyes.gif. Because a man...and pardon my vulgarity...sticks his penis in another woman does not equate to him falling out of love with his woman. SO...because he cheated doesn't mean he wants the relationship to end...but because you're ego/heart/feelings are hurt at the time you find out...you consciously make a permanent decision to sever the relationship all together. If you can forgive and try to work it out when you're married, you can work it out if you've been with this man for 4 or 5 years.

[This message has been edited by Sexy Mocha (edited August 23, 2000).]

Sexy Mocha...more power to ya! I agree that you should forgive but you can't make youself forget. That is where the problem would come in for me. I would be wondering where he was and questioning his honesty. It is so hard to gain back somone's trust and it takes so long. I just feel that I haven't made a matrimonial commitment to this man...thank God because I can be bad by myself and you get so tired trying to fix things that are broken. The reason I say it is different when you are married is because it is supposed to be for better or for worse...many times there are other factors that enter into a marriage that you don't deal with on a dating level, complicated things. And you can't just bail in the first sign of trouble.
I'm not sayng I'm perfect, because Lord knows, I'm not. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif I've cheated on ALL (3)of my boyfriends before I met my husband. (so I don't agree w/ once a cheater, always a cheater) Everyone's reasons are different. Mine were that I got bored easily or the person I was with wasn't the one I truly wanted to be with. In any case, when people cheat, there are usually much deeper things going on in the relaionship,I think.
We all have temptations and needs. More times than not for women it is filling an emotional void where as for men it is physical pleasure. (See my post "Physical cheating or emotional cheating".) My husband is in the Navy, so I hear stories of infidelity al the time. Men going out to sea for six months and their women are temporarly shacked up w/ one their husband's Navy buddies. We all get lonely but when your married I just feel that you need to put deeper thought into it and look to God for strength.
Amen!

When I was young, my father use to tell my sisters: "Make it easy for a man to tell you the truth, and he will!" I have seen this M.O. work more times than not.

To answer your question: I would forgive her. Forget is another story. I would ask her if she is in love with him. Depending on my assessment of her answer, I would either bless her or keep her blessed.

AsianMoon,

You cheated on ALL THREE of your boy friends??? http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Girl, we have more in common than I thought!!
I am SOOOOO feeling you...if the relationship is not serious, then it's not that bad.

You're points are well taken...it sounds like you really know you're stuff girl!

Okay this is my take on the situation and I speaking on a strictly personal basis. If my man cheated on me I would of coarse be hurt and angry. Once I took the time to calm down and evalutate the situation I would have to determine what possible reason he could have had to cheat. Was it something that I have done? Was it something that I didn't do? Was I paying enough attention to his needs or was I being selfish? Were the lines of communication open and clear? Were there problems in the relationship? If there was a possibility that I could have been neglecting his needs in the relationship then I feel that I would be the one to "partially" blame for the cheating. Especially if he openly tried to communicate his needs to me and I chose to ignore them. I know that I cheated on my ex-boyfriend of three years because he wasn't giving me the emotional support and the attention that I needed to make me feel that I was still an important part of his life. I told him countless times how I felt and I continually expressed to him what I needed. It even got to the point where I told him that what he's not doing another man will do. He chose to ignore that so when it got to the point that I did cheat on him several times (with the same person who was someone that I had been previously involved with) I didn't feel a bit of guilt about it. It took almost an entire year of trying to make the relationship work before I actually got fed up and decided to cheat. Why did I cheat in the first place instead of ending the relationship? Because I loved him and had he made the slightest bit of effort to change I would have been satisfied. He didn't do that and I still had my needs. All I'm really trying to say is that when it comes to cheating and relationships, a person has to look at themselves and what they did or didn't do before they go pointing a finger and blaming the other person. If you realized that you could have done something differently and that you were partially to blame it may make understanding and forgiving a little bit easier. Now on the other hand...if he cheated just because he's a DOG and can't be satisfied with ONE woman then he can GO! I won't be able to forgive that one because that will create some serious trust issues for me if he ever did try to come back.

SkeeWee14, that's an excellent way of putting it! Very eloquently and well thought out...I couldn't have.....DIDN'T.....say it better myself! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Thanks Sexy Mocha. It took going through a lot of trials and tribulations to come to that understanding. I once heard it said before that while a person is busy pointing a finger at someone else they have three pointing back at them. People just have to look in the mirror and take a look at self before throwing blame around.

Hey Yalll..I was just strolling when i noticed this topic..I must say that I really am glad that this topic was talked about..Me and my boyfriend of almost 3 years have a good relationship..about 8 months ago i found out he cheated on me when we had our first big argement which was around 1 and a half year ago....I was so hurt and disappointed i didn't know what to do because this girl was my so called friend..we broke up and i had time to really think. I first had to ask myself could i forgive him. then i seprated the mistake from the man..he's a damn good man, i love him and i felt like it was just a stupid mistake he mad..I mean he's only a human. So after some time we finally got back together..I'm not saying that this works for everyone but if you love him or her, its worth trying to save.

I'm glad you liked the topic Monique. I wanted to post it because I'd seen various male perspectives on women that are forgiving, ... but so far, only one male has responded that he would forgive if the shoe were on the other foot. Interesting. Kudos (yes, I said kudos)to Ape.

I also wanted to see the stances of everyone on forgetting and staying. Here is a quote that I found in "Light for My Path":

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget," is only another way of saying, "I will not forgive." A forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note, torn in two and burned up, so that it can never be shown against the man. - Henry Ward Beecher

My stance is I would forgive and forget, although it would take time and much healing (which I would expect my mate to understand, considering...). And if he did it again, I'd forgive him again, but someone would have to go. I could forgive him from afar http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif but obviously not trust him if he keeps doing it.

[This message has been edited by tickledpink (edited August 27, 2000).]