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How to Fake a Football Orgasm
by Pamela Ribon

This is my favorite time of the year because there is absolutely no football. If you ever saw just how much football I have to watch, you might start crying. I've been dating Ian for over three years now and we've lived together for more than a year. He has no idea that I actually can't stand football. He doesn't know I find it repetitive and boring. How have I done this? How have I tricked this man into thinking I'm the coolest girlfriend ever? Because I am an expert at faking a football orgasm.

That's right. I can wiggle, shout, and cheer with the best of them. I spill beer and throw chips and just about paint my face blue and silver every weekend. It's not just a game for me anymore; it’s become an art form. I'm willing to share my secrets because I think we’re all friends here now, aren't we? Plus I'd like to contribute to happy, healthy relationships.

If you break any of the following rules, it will be obvious that you are faking it, so be careful. Here we go.

1. Don't walk in front of the television while the ball is in play, while they are doing an instant replay, or while the ball is at something called "the line of scrimmage."

2. Walk (and by "walk," I mean "run") past the television only during the commercials.

2a. If you are watching the Super Bowl, stay clear of the television at all times.

3. Offer beers to everyone when you stand up. You'll be the coolest girl there, and it's still a feminist move if you're already on your way to get your own beer.

4. Be familiar with shouting the words "asshole" and "pussy."

5. When the ref throws a flag (it’s yellow), start shouting possible reasons why. Try Foul!" or "Pass Interference!" or "Face Mask!" Don't worry, the boys will yell, too. Continue shouting through the ref explaining why the flag was thrown, at which point you will all stop and ask "What was the call?" Then you will all argue about what the call must have been.

6. Any time there is a call against your team, it is time for you to yell, "Oh, that’s BULLSHIT!" Just like that. Try it. It's fun. I like to say it at the bank when they say, "It looks like you have five dollars in your account."

7. It is called a "touchdown." That's worth six points.

8. Then they try to kick an extra point. That's worth one. Generally they will get the extra point. If it is a close game, they may try for two points. We don't have enough time, so I'm not going into this here. Just trust me on this: If it is a close game and one team gets a touchdown, say, "Do you think they’ll go for two?" This will cause a boy debate about field goals and ranges and red zones and things you don't need to worry yourself about. Just sit back and think "Oh, yeah. You look so cool." See, girlie? We’re gonna make it through this.

9. If the guys are suddenly really upset, ask them what happened. They will be more than happy to shout the injustice of the last play. Let them vent.

10. Do NOT attempt to kiss your boyfriend at any time during the game. Do NOT go "TOUCHDOWN! KISSES!" You will not get them, and people will hate you.

11. NEVER TOUCH THE REMOTE CONTROL.

12. You don't need to know every athlete, but it helps if you know a few names. Here is the athlete that makes you sound like you know your shit. Ready? Vinnie Testaverde (VIN-ee test-a-VER-dee). Is that a great name or what? He plays for the Jets. I think. Or he used to. It doesn't matter. Say things like, "Well, he's no Vinnie Testaverde." What I like saying is "Well, I was really comparing him to someone like Vinnie Testaverde." Chances are they'll all tip their heads back and say, "Oh. Well, yeah. If you're doing that." It works like a fucking charm, I'm telling you.

13. Know that being a girl means if there is an argument about sports, even if you know you are right, they will say that you, the girl, are wrong. They will find a loophole in your logic and there's nothing you can do about it because you were born with ovaries.

14. You are supposed to be happy about overtime. It means more football.

15. Make sure you know which two teams are playing because they're going to switch channels during commercials. They'll watch other games at the same time, so be on your toes. If you're only rooting for "the guys in blue," you could end up cheering for the enemy of a different game. At any moment, there might be three different games on the television within an hour. I know. I'm sorry.

16. If, like me, you're ever in a situation where you are in a public place and your boyfriend is standing in the middle of the bar shouting, "That’s what I"m talking about! You cannot FUCK with the Cowboys!" it is completely okay to pretend you do not know him at all. Get someone to buy you a drink.

17. I don't care how persuasive they are, it is not tradition to take off your shirt when there's a turnover. You don't have to do it.

18. The Super Bowls are counted off in Roman Numerals. Don’t say the Xs and Is. Hey, I don't know what level of expertise you're on. I'm just checking.

19. If you are watching the Super Bowl, you will probably have to sit through the pregame and postgame festivities. It's okay to laugh at the pregame stuff (which involves a terrible film of some guy making the Super Bowl ring), but it is not okay to laugh at the postgame footage. The levels of beer consumption are so drastically different before and after the game that it's best not to have any reaction that might affect an emotionally vulnerable, boozy sports fan.

20. The season does end eventually. Then you get to watch hockey, basketball and baseball! (These are things you’re supposed to be excited about.)

Now go out there and fake it like a pro. That swirly feeling you might get at first is only the guilt from completely lying to the people that you love. You just have to break through that. It gets much easier with time. Go team!