Need advice regarding roommate and her creepy boyfriend
 

Ok, so my roommate has a creepy boyfriend. But, he's not even really her boyfriend. Here's the situation:

My roomie has a long history of horrible relationships. None were abusive or anything; her relationships always ended with the guy screwing her over (cheating on her, stopped calling her, etc.). This guy, Jay, who she's with now is one of those guys. They started dating December 2001. Everything started out fine. He went home for winter break and just stopped calling her. They didn't speak again until Summer 2002. They started getting back together again. This is when the weird stuff happened. My roomie was living with her best friend, Kate, at the time. I'm not sure exactly of the situation (although it's starting to become more clear to me now) but Kate and my roomie got in a huge fight over something that happened with Jay. Kate and my roomie had been best friends since elementary school. When they moved out, they were no longer on speaking terms. They haven't spoke since. Jay ended up screwing my roommate over again (stopped calling her and wouldn't answer the phone when she called). They started dating, again, February 2003. Everything was going fine and then he pulled the same crap again in May. A few weeks later, they got back together and they've been ok ever since (until he screws her over again......).
Jay is a creepy little bastard. For starters, he won't put a title on their relationship. She keeps asking if they're boyfriend and girlfriend and his response is, "I don't want to label us." Jay seems like the type that's always looking for something better. The reason why he stopped calling my roommate the last 3 times was because he found someone else who he thought would be better. My roommate is a great girl but I think Jay is just constantly on the look out for something better which is why he won't put a "label" on the relationship. This is where the problem comes in.
I feel like he hits on me and my friends. I've been a little weirded out by the way he talks to me and looks at me. Nothing that I could describe...it's "woman's intuition" type stuff (all the girls know what I'm talking about! :D ). The other day, I came home from work and had a tough day. My roommate walked out of the room for a bit. That's when Jay walked over to me and started massaging my shoulders. I pulled away from him and he came back over. As soon as my roomie walked back in, he jumped away like 10 feet.
A few nights ago, we were out partying and I brought one of my sorority sisters with us. Jay was drunk and went over to her and said, "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen."
Last week, I had my friend, Jen, over at my apartment. Jay was there. She told a funny joke; you know how sometimes you might hit someone on their arm or pat their back if they say something funny? Well, Jen informed me today that Jay pat her butt. That's a little abnormal. Luckily, my roomie didn't see that.
The problem is that I don't think my roommate would believe it if we told her. She's so wrapped up in this guy and she's totally in love with him. She looks at him and thinks he could do no wrong. She's also in denial. Everyone tells her that he's a jerk and that's why he screwed her over 3 different times. She tells herself that he just got "scared" because his love for her is so strong. :rolleyes:
It's a catch-22. I tell her, she gets pissed at me and I have to live with her for another year. I don't tell her and he'll just screw her over again. I also found out from a mutual friend that one of the reasons my roomie and Kate got in a fight last year was because Jay started hitting on Kate. Kate mentioned it to my roommate and it started WWIII.
So, my question is: should I tell my roommate or just keep it to myself?

He sounds like a total jerk.

I have been known to confront people "Julia Sugarbaker style" (you know, from Designing Women...) when they are messing around on my friends, etc.

I would probably just bring it up with this "non-boyfriend" guy. If you catch him doing or saying something inappropriate, just say "Excuse me, but does my roommate know that you enjoy giving massages and butt-grabs as casually as a handshake? 'Cause if you forgot to tell her about those habits, I am sure I can manage to remember to say something about it!"

If you don't want to talk to him, you could always just casually have your hit-on friends over one day and bring it up nonchalantly in conversation with your roomie so that you have back-up...this also makes it harder for her to blame you for saying such terrible things about her baby :rolleyes:

Anyway, that situation sucks. Good luck. ;)

I know that this is absolutly the hardest thing in the universe to accept, but you can't do anything...if you do something, you're just going to end up screwing yoiurself over. I know that it really hurts to watch someone go through that, but you have to let her make her own decisions. If she's so blind she'd not seeing through this guy, then nothing you say will convince her otherwise. This situation sucks!

Ohhhh my. That sounds like my ex-roomate Jamie's ex-boyfriend Brian.

Total dog. Used to ask me to kiss him while she was in the bathroom.

Scream like hell that the asswhole is trying something and let your dumb assed roomie know what is going on!

If you can find someone else, tell both to get the F lost!:mad:

They are both imposing on you! In more ways than one!:eek:

What an awkward situation! And I thought my sex-addicted roommate with the steady boyfriend was hard to deal with! I don't have any new advice for you, but I like what ariesrising said, and I think that is your best option. Good Luck! Keep us updated with what's going on!

I think you should tell her, but have at least two people witness what he has done. I know this maybe illegal, but have somebody record. It seems to me that she is extremely delusional about Jay. If I was her, I wouldn't take him back after he screwed me over the first time.

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Keep a journal and document all this stuff. It may be helpful later on.

It is later on. You're answering a 5-year-old post.

Whoa. You guys have the same post count and joined the same month.

Creeeeeepy.

ETA: Same month two years apart. Apparently my reading comprehension skills are lacking.

That's insane!

I wonder how this all worked out?

Sorry, this cracked me up.

Haha. I forgot that I posted about this. Here is the conclusion to the story...

She ended up breaking up with this guy but lost a lot of friends along the way who just didn't want anything to do with him...or her for that matter.

My friend moved through a series of bad relationships until she met a new guy. This new guy was another "winner." He was a very mean, abusive guy. He constantly told my friend that she needed to lose weight. In an act of rebellion, she ballooned up 75 pounds. She was miserable and changed a lot and lost another one of her best friends because of this guy. I didn't really see my friend's metamorphosis that much since my friend was in Florida and I was in Georgia but I had heard from people that there were a lot of weird things going on in their relationship. They eventually moved in together and things got really rocky. She had to put the house, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. under her name because he had filed for bankruptcy only a year before due to a gambling addiction....an addiction that he never bothered to get help for. He still went to the casino boats during the weekends. Then they got engaged....

I kept my feelings to myself about her new guy until this past April. I flew into Orlando for her bridal shower/bachelorette party that I both planned and paid for. He was terrible to me the whole weekend and continuously said rude and insulting things. Instead of sticking up for me, my friend laughed at his insults because she was probably happy that for once he was picking on someone else.

I was set to come in to Orlando for her wedding in June but I was getting angrier and angrier by the day. I couldn't talk to my friend on the phone w/o her fiance saying something terrible about me in the background. I lost it. I told her that I no longer wanted to ride in the car with them on our way to her rehearsal dinner because I just couldn't stand to be stuck in a car with him for more than 30 minutes. She overreacted and told me not to bother to come in for the wedding. I happily obliged.

I feel bad because she keeps getting herself into abusive relationships but she's had a lot of warnings from a few of her closest friends who she's lost along the way.

The MO of many abusive men is to push away the support system of person they're abusing.

If you're of a mind to, I'd be sure to let your friend know that if she ever does leave this douche (and it'll happen) to give you a call. I'm not convinced that she deserves to be dropped. IMHO, she's sick, but she can't be helped until she decides she needs help.