my bf a lush
 

Okay, so here is my story...
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 yrs. Ever since we first started hanging out he has been a drinker. At first I was into it too (i was having fun, experiencing college, going clubbing, ect.). We would go out and/or drink any day of the week no matter what was going on. But, as our relationship progressed and we became closer, we stopped going out and partying as much. The thing was that he still seemed to drink just as often (3-4 nights a week). For a while I just thought of it as: "hey, he's a young college guy who just likes getting drunk; its not like there's anything else exciting going on."

Now, it's not the fact that he gets drunk, but the behavior that I have to deal with when he is drunk. (don't worry he doesn't get abusive or anything) He just gets really difficult to handle. Most of it is typical drunken behavior like slurred speak, general horny-ness, easy to get into an argue, that kind of stuff. But there is other stuff like resentment when I have to help him into bed (get undressed), or that he wants more to drink (doesn't want to be cut off or better yet, doesn't know when he should be cut off), or helping him get to the bathroom (so he doesn't wet himself while he's passed out, which has happened numerous times). Most of the time he doesn't remember anything that happened after a certain point or he'll have a feeling that something not so good happened the night before but not exactly what.

We've talked many times over our relationship about his drinking and have never reached any solution. I don't feel its my place to tell/make him stop (a - he's got to want to on his own b - I don't want him to resent me in any way). He has made fleeting effort to cut down on the quantity he drinks (i.e. purchasing beer instead of hard liquor, or saying he'll only drink on the weekend), but it never lasts long. This past November after a public incident at my sorority function I suggested that we go to a counselor on campus. We saw her for about 4 sessions (once a week) during which he stopped drinking. After those sessions where over he slowly started to drink again claiming that as long as he controlled the amount of beers (buying a six pack instead of a case) that it wouldn't be a problem.

And now it's 1am and I just put him to bed after I watched him pee on my floor (didn't quite make it on time) and I’m asking for help. Basically I’m at the point when i hate helping him after he's gotten himself drunk. I don't think that it fits into the job description of long time girlfriend. I love him and we have talked about taking another step in out relationship (getting engaged), but I cannot see myself doing this for my "husband" night after night. When I picture married life this does not fit.

Please feel free to offer any advise, comments, or personal stories that may help. (or feel free to tell me that I’m whining to much)

I'm no psychiarist nor a professional counselor, but I do speak from experience. Sounds like the beginning of what could be a serious problem if it isn't nipped in the bud.

I'll admit to getting thoroughly sh*t-faced on a regular basis in my younger days, but once it starts to affect your everyday life, then something's gotta be done about it. In fact, I got depledged out of one fraternity because of a drunken binge at a party I was at. I won't go into the sordid details, but suffice it to say that I was made an example when they actually brought me up on 'conduct unbecoming a member of (XYZ) fraternity' (Not the current fraternity I belong to.) In fact, during my pledgeship in Alpha Sigma Phi, I was almost falling down the same slippery slope, getting drunk into oblivion and almost becoming a liability to the chapter's image until I got a serious talking to by my older brothers in the house. As I got older and wiser, I found that I didn't need massive quantities of alcohol to have fun; in fact I don't even drink much alcohol these days, considering the severe penalties for driving drunk. I know my limits, and when to say enough's enough.

It seems you're at least trying to help him out by counseling him, and by seeking professional help, but you (and others) need to encourage him to change his potentially self-destructive actions. Cutting back from a case to a six-pack a day is not enough. If you love him enough to seriously consider marriage, you just can't shrug off the problem and hope it'll go away.

Anyway, that's my opinion, I'm sure others will chime in with their suggestions and recommendations.

I think it sounds like he may have a serious problem. Not only can he not stay away from alcohol, but it's pretty obvious that he's out of control. I think he needs to see a counselor or get checked into some sort of rehab.

I don't know if there is anything you can do besides convince him to get some help. This is not your problem to solve, it's his.

If he won't get help, then you need to ask yourself how much you're willing to put up with.

i sent you a pm:)

Just an aside for you:

Even if he won't get help, or is still questioning whether or not he has a "problem", you need to get some support/help.

Attend an Al-Anon meeting. It's for you, not the alcoholic. It's for you, not a place that will give you tips on getting the alcoholic sober. It's for you, not a bargaining chip for him to get help...It's for you...

I agree with what everyone else has said. I just want to say one thing that you may not want to hear -- you are enabling him to keep drinking. You help him get undressed and help him get to the bathroom. Why? Let him pee on himself. Don't help him. It's only making it easier for him to keep drinking, and it's only sucking you into his problem. You don't have to do it!

No matter what you do, he's not going to change until he's ready to change, and you really can't know when or if that will happen, and if it does, why. I think that at this point, you need to ask yourself if it's worth it for you to stay in this relationship if he's not willing to make a serious effort to get better. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him in the state he is in now?

{{{Hugs}}} to you too. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you right now. I hope everything gets better soon!!

I agree with everyone else. He has a problem which can be dealt with if he chooses to get help. That's half the battle. I suggest that you find an alcoholism expert who can advise what to do. Prepare yourself that he might not want to get help or even believe he has a problem. He might think that you have a problem. I wish you the best. I hope that it works out.

Here is an anecdote.
Someone I know was in a four year relationship with an alcoholic. She constantly 'helped' him and cleaned up the mess that his disease caused. He always promised to stop and get help, but never did. She finally had enough and left him. His life has gone from bad to worse now. He continues to behave in the same way only he has escalated from alcohol to drugs. He finds women who are willing to sacrifice themselves to help him which enables him to continue in his addiction. These women get sick of him and move on, yet somehow he manages to find other women. At first each thinks that she can rescue and change him, but only he can change himself. It is sad. He has had people who had loved him, but he abused that. Alcoholism has been his lifestyle for nearly a decade now. It is a terrible illness. There is help out there, but he doesn't want it.

From the opinion of a child of an alcoholic:

Listen to everyone on here. He HAS to WANT to quit. Anything you ever say to him about a drinking problem will just make it worse. Although he hasn't been violent with you, don't think it can't happen. I always thought my mom could never hurt me when she was drunk, and then one night she threw something at me. Never think you know them...ever. You need to get help for yourself, first. Go to the Al-Anon meetings. It may seem cheesy at first, but believe me, these people understand where you're coming from. That support has helped me stay sane the past 6 years and I've learned a lot. As for him... unfortunately, most alcoholics won't quit till they hit rock bottom. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. Rock bottom is commonly a car accident where they kill or severely injure someone else, or something to that affect. Of course, some alcoholics would be hurt enough if their spouse left them to change their ways... but more often than not, that would just trigger more drinking. Good luck and if you need anything, we're all here!

First and formost, thank you all for your advice and support. It means a lot to me. At this point I still am weary of making any steps to do the right thing. It's hard to do what is needed when I look at him and talk to him when he is sober. I know that he loves me, but is it enough?
Anyway, can anyone suggest how to get in contact/or where I can find anyone involved in AA?

For AA, go here:
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

For Al-Anon, go here:

http://www.al-anon.org/

I know that many cities and towns have several AA meetings a day. They are available to help. I wish you the best.