Ways to get out of speeding tickets
 

THREE FOOLPROOF EXCUSES WHICH WILL GET YOU OUT OF ANY SPEEDING TICKET:


"Highway Patrol": in color!
EXCUSE #1: Claim the officer's radar gun is actually a thermometer which he doesn't know how to properly operate. I thought of this great idea when I was traveling at 98.7 mph. If you get busted going over 100 mph, then say that you have a fever or AIDS or SARS and that you're rushing to check yourself into the hospital. If the cop gets you going around 80 mph, then tell him you have pneumonia or you just got out of the neighbor's pool. If you're clocked at going under 80, insist he took the temperature of your car and it's insane to think that you'd have to pay a fine for your car being sick.

EXCUSE #2: There is something happening to something else and you've got to do something about it. This is kind of the "catch all" excuse of all excuses. Your [grandma] just [fell down a well] and you've got to [help her]. Your [dog] is [on fire] and you've got to [return a Blockbuster Video VHS tape before noon or else you'll have to pay a fine]. Feel free to make up any words and insert them in the appropriate order like a game of "Mad Libs," only if you mess up then you'll probably be arrested or shot in the mouth. If you do get shot in the mouth and have to explain to your grandma why you weren't there to help her out of the well, be sure to tell her your [mouth] just [got shot] and you had to [die on the shoulder of a busy highway].


I eventually opted for the exciting "excuse #3" choice, which dictates that the sucker being pulled over should stammer on about how he just bought a new house and he's driving to the new house and it's his first new house and HEY, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE IN THE DISTANCE? IT LOOKS LIKE A MURDER CRIME! OFFICER, QUICKLY GO AND ARREST THAT PERSON FOR HIS MURDER CRIME! Since I acted particularly polite and docile during my stay in the squad car, the officer knocked a bonus four miles off my ticket and claimed I was going 75 mph in a 65 mph zone which only ended up infuriating me more because who the hell does he think he is, giving me a ticket for only going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit? I mean, that's really ridiculous; if he was to ticket me for going 79 mph in a 65 zone, then that's something else, but 75 is an insult and you can clearly tell that the South Dakota Highway Patrol is simply looking for additional funds to buy that shiny new Snapple machine they've been eyeing for months now.