What's wrong with the black female?
 

I recently received an e-mail about a black male who was explaining why 'he sold out'. His selling out was to exercise his option of exclusively dating non-black females. He listed every reason under the sun that portrayed the black female as a negative, triflin', unappreciative, uncouth animal. From his experiences, non-black females did not present this challenge.

Being a black female, I was pissed off initially. However, the more I began to think about it, I found that his comments weren't worth justifying. I am now curious to understand what other folk feel about the black female and having relationships with us. I've heard from men (both black and non-black) that there's nothing like a black woman to black women are a complete turn-off and I simply cannot date them any longer. I feel that beneath all of the angry words and recriminations, there's got to be a certain level of truth. Meaning, somewhere along the way, our culture has created within us a tenacity and determination to survive that has eclipsed our black male. Any truth?

if a person must tear down their own race (ie. mothers, sisters,etc.)in order to justify getting in bed with another race, then only prayer will help that person. black women are no worse or better then any other women on this earth, but unfortunately we have been through some mess in this country that many other women can not relate to. we don't have time for foolishness, so if so and so doesn't want to date us, then i say "Thank God", because we as black women need a strong, compassionate, sensible, responsible man, black, white or whatever to lead us, anything less is unacceptable and not desirable in my opinion.

Some years ago, I went to a conference on the "Black" Family and heard some very provocative statistics. Among them, the following hung around in my mind: (1)6 out 10 black college students on the undergraduate level are FEMALE; (2)6 out of 10 black graduates from the graduate level are FEMALE; (3)almost 3/5 of the total "Black" male population is/was incarcerated, while 1/5 are HOMOSEXUAL. What is the balance? Consider this: Most people marry persons of the same economic and educational levels. If the above mentioned are accurate, what does that say about the future of "Black" America? It should tell us that sistas are looking in other arenas for their future husbands and fathers of their children. When you ask me what I think about that guy and his experience/choice, I wont respond to it. He has to experience what he has to.

As for how I feel about sistas, I'M INTO DEEP , DARK CHOCOLATE! I have traveled a bit; and have had some experiences with women of different cultures-primarily Latin and Asian ladies. I can't explain it but, I just LOVE my sistas! Yall's personalities cannot truly be categorized, and GOD himself sculptured each and every one of yall's BODIES! In all, women are women; but I HAVE TO HAVE A SISTA!

APE,

I feel ya. I'm the product of a military family, so I've been around the world. There are none like mother of the universe. My sisters win hands down.

AMEN SOROR POSITIVE.... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

AMEN, AMEN TO T.O. APE! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

AMEN T.O. APE!

It is true that our personalities cannot be heaped together into one category. That goes for ANY race of women or men.

I received an email some months ago similar to the one mentioned by jazbri, only it was written by a white female who was currently dating a black man (some of you may remember this). She had initially written it to a black magazine as a letter to the editor. Listeners wrote in to and emailed radio stations about the letter and it was eventually presented as the topic of discussion on some stations. She basically repeated what her boyfriend told her about black women (being trifling, needy, hostile, fat, etc). She also gave this LONG list of famous black men who had left their black wives for white women and THEN ended her letter by saying that instead of sistas giving ugly looks to a white woman that is with a black man, we need to watch and take notes!! Can you believe that?

I realize what her intent was. It was evident that she wanted exactly the kind of response that she received - hostility. Not only that, but she gained a moderate amount of publicity. I just thougt it was really tacky of her to say something like that. Though she provided her email address for responses, I refrained because I felt that what she wanted was an overwhelming influx of angry letters from black women to prove her point. My intent was not to start an angry discussion with the post, but rather to show the extreme to which this stereotype thing can go.

Before yall get all yall's feather's ruffled, maybe yall need to look at what her intent is. Don't make that dude's assessment of yall appear to be accurate; think.

I read the states that The Original Ape presented. Which brings me to my point - - I have made post before similar to this topic. I firmly believe brothers need to date sisters. With the number of black females any black man should be able to find a compatible black female. If a brother wants a docile woman that barely or never voices her opinion and caters to his ever whim then there are still S I S T E R S out there that fit the build ( I just don't want one as such). If a brother wants a strong woman that is educated and independent then this type is out there. There are a variety of personalities when it comes to black women. Black men, especially educated Black men, need to find a sister and build healthy relationship instead of hooking up with Spanish, White, Irish, and all the rest. I'm tired of seeing successful Brothers with white women and I am about to get pissed seeing them with Latino women as well.

Post Scrip: I am not racist. I just believe successful Black men can find compatible successful Black women.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Professor:

Post Scrip: I am not racist. I just believe successful Black men can find compatible successful Black women.

Amen brother!



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We often give our enemies the means for our own destruction.

Aesop c550 BC

great responses pham!! i love the black family and want to see it grow stronger, not taking anything away from anyone else, but i can't wait to walk down the aisle to my black king. sisters and sorors we must believe in our men and lift them up. support him in his dreams and let him know you believe in him. don't lower your standards, but give the brothers a chance to be what God intended them to be. Powerful Leaders and our bestfriends.

question to the bruhs, could it be that since there are more educated etc. black women per statistics, that some of our men are intimidated by us and choose to marry women who are less independent or who are on a lower educational/economic level? men NEED to feel needed so maybe they don't feel like sisters need them.

AMEN, SOROR!


GOOD QUESTION...

***WAITING PATIENTLY FOR THE BROS TO RESPOND WHILE EATING POPCORN***

***LISTENING ATTENTIVELY TO TAKE NOTES***

I CRACK MYSELF UP SOMETIMES.... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

SisterSoror PositivelyAKA,

I agree 1920% with you, and even further it to say that we (women) may hold some share of the blame in this arena. As a successful, educated woman, it would make sense that I look for the same in a mate, right? Men are supposed to be able to "take care" of their women, right? For me, that would mean (at base) a man who is making close to six figures, has a BA +, owns his own home, single, no kids and tall, dark and handsome . And let's not forget, he must be willing to down for a long term (i.e. marriage), good relationship with his family and friends, fun, God-fearing (spiritual)...

Well, there are some good men out there who fit all the above. But there are also many good, generous men who may not be my economic or "formal" educational equal. Would you/your family/friends think less of you/him if you were to date or marry such a man? It seems that it is difficult for many of us "successful women" to give a man in that position serious consideration outside of a date or two. For example, what if he was all the above, but made $35K instead of $95K? That may make YOU, not him, the primary breadwinner. Or he had an AA degree, and you have a MA? How do you deal with these issues in the relationship? I’m interested in hearing from both the brothers and the sisters on whether a successful relationship can develop from these type of scenarios, and if so, what elements (respective personality traits, other) must be in place to enable success--or are they ultimately doomed to fail?

Best,
Shela--


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Finer Womanhood: the "Cat's Meow" Since 1920

Personally, I feel that there is nothing like a white woman for a black man. Can I get a AMEN fellas?

Originally,

I think my original post was not understood for it's intent; however, the later one's are truly touching on the points I was attempting to get across. The point I'm driving that is essentially that we, as sistahs, have truly got to come to terms with WHY are brothas are turning to these other races. It's easy to say that the fault lies with the brothas for making that decision to be with a non-black female. The challenge in my post was for sistahs to seriously conduct a self inventory and RECOGNIZE the role that we play in turning brothas in that direction. I am also interested in what brothas have to say about our character. I am of the opinion that it is not just a 'women in general' issue. I completely believe that it is a 'black woman issue'. I received this e-mail today that I feel totally supports my point. Sorry, it's lengthy...
WHY ARE BLACK WOMEN SCARING OFF THEIR MEN?
Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master's degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well-read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she's single.
Or maybe you know this one. She is active in the church, faithful, and committed. She sings in the choir, serves on the usher board, attends every committee meeting. Loves the Lord and knows the Word. You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband.
Or perhaps you recognize the community activist. She's a black lady or as she prefers, an African American woman on the move. She sports a short natural, sometimes cornrow braids, or even dreadlocks. She's an organizer, a motivator, a dynamo. Her work for her people speaks for itself-organizing women for a self-help collective, raising funds for a community cause, educating others around a new issue in South Africa. Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she's a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, the men leave her alone.
What do these women have in common? They have so much; what is it they lack? Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can't hold him? The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder what's wrong with black men. They hold special prayer vigils and fast and pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the brothers attending political strategizing sessions or participating in
protests, but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to someone else. I know these women because I am all of these women. And after asking over and over again "What's wrong with these men?", it finally dawned on me to ask the question, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH US WOMEN?"
What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship.
Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct actions assist one in getting assignments done, in organizing church or club activities or in positioning oneself for a raise. But relationship-building requires different skills. It requires making decisions that not only to gratify you, but satisfy others. It means doing things that will keep the peace rather than achieve the goal, and sometimes it means creating the peace in the first
place. Maintaining a harmonious relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line between two points. You may have to stoop to conquer or yield to win. In too many cases, when dealing with men you will have to sacrifice being right in order to enjoy being loved. Being acknowledged as the head of the household is an especially important thing for many black men, since their manhood is so often actively challenged everywhere else. Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career-or their narrow concepts of same, that their entire personalities project an "I don't need a man" message. So they end up without one. An interested man maybe attracted but, he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life. Going to graduate school is a good goal and an option that previous generations of blacks have not had.
But sometimes the achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes. Between work, school and homework, she's seldom "there" for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman. She's too busy to prepare him a home cooked meal or to be a listening ear for his concerns because she
is so occupied with her own. Soon he uses her only for uncommitted sex since to him, she appears unavailable for anything else. Blind to the part she's playing in the problem, she ends up thinking, "Men only want one thing." And she decides she's better off with the degree than the friendship. When she's 45, she may wish she may set different priorities while she was younger. It's not just the busy career girl who can't see the forest for the trees. A couple I know were having marital troubles. During one argument, the husband confronted the wife and asked what she thought they should do about the marriage, what direction they should take. She reached for her Bible and turned to Ephesians. "I know what Paul says and I know what Jesus says about marriage," he told her. "What do you say about our marriage?" Dumbfounded, she could not say anything. Like so many of us, she could recite the Scriptures but could not apply them to everyday living. Before the year was out, the husband had filed for divorce. Women who focus on civil rights or community activism have vigorous, fighting spirits and are prepared to do whatever, whenever, to benefit black people. That's good. That's necessary. But it needs to be kept in perspective. It's too easy to save the world and lose your man. A fighting spirit is important on the battlefield, but a gentler spirit is wanted on the home front. Too many women are winning the battle and losing the home. Sometimes in our determined efforts to be strong believers and hard workers, we contemporary women downplay, denigrate or simply forget our more traditional feminine attributes. Men value women best for the ways we are different from them, not the ways we are the same. Men appreciate us for our grace and beauty. Men enjoy our softness and see it as a way to be in touch with their tender side, a side they dare not show to other men. A hard-working woman is good to have on your committee. But, when a man goes home, he'd prefer a loving partner to a hard worker. It's not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, oppressive. We have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. We have known so many men
who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet we must admit that we are shaky, jive and willful in our own ways. Not having a husband allows us to do whatever we want, when and how we want to do it. Having one means we have to share the power and certain
points will have to be surrendered. We are terrified of marriage and commitment-yet dread the prospect of being single and alone. Throwing ourselves into work seems to fill the void without posing a threat. But like any other drug, the escape eventually becomes the cage. To make the break, we need to do less and "be" more. I am learning to "be still and know," to be trusting. I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity. I'm not preaching a
philosophy of "women should be seen and not heard." But I have come to realize that I and many of my smart and independent sisters-are out of touch with our feminine center and therefore out of touch with our men.
Yall' I know that was long... By the end, all I could say was "Amen, you betta preach!"


[This message has been edited by jazbri (edited October 10, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by jazbri (edited October 10, 2000).]