Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
 

For all you cat lovers out there, I came across this in my Anne Arundel County SPCA newsletter and thought it was hilarious. I'm not a "cat person", and this finally confirmed what I've known all along - cats ARE plotting to take over the world!

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Day #752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me from going insane is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day #761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile opporssors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.

Day #765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day #768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no discernable reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day #771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of glass tubes called "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day #774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain her reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait - it is only a matter of time...

I have a kitten - and honestly - he's EVIL!!! He does a lot of those things; i swear he gets pleasure out of scratching the furniture, loves to bite me - especially when we try and wash him, if he even hears a sink go on or water he runs away, and i swear to god if he doesn't stop biting my ankles and walking inbetween my feet, he's going down!

I read this many years ago and thus have been onto my cats for a long time now. I no longer have house plants and my futon is old (go ahead and scratch it up!). I frequently torture them with water and shampoo-they now are submissive :). They even sometimes hang around while I take a bath.

There are 2 evil "neighborhood cats" who wait to attack until I go outside to talk on the phone in peace. They leap out of the bushes or from under the cars onto my ankles and grab on. I don't know what the neighbors think about the sight of me on the phone, running around the front yard and trying to dislodge those cats.

My aunt sent me this a while back, and I thought it was so true! There's another part to it, though--it's the dog's diary, which goes something like... "A walk! Oh, boy! My favorite! The kids! Oh, boy! My favorite!" and on and on.