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Sister is considering deactivating
My sorority little sister is considering deactivating and I'm not exactly sure what to do. Our chapter is only a few months old, so our sisterhood is still developing. Because of this, my little feels like she is having a hard time making friends. I understand where she's coming from, but I don't know how to encourage her to stay. As someone who had a tough time making "best" friends myself, I know that genuine relationships take time and effort to cultivate. It goes without saying that a colony will not have a strong sister bonds overnight.
I am admittedly frustrated. I think a lot of the chapter's younger members, my little included, want instant gratification. I want to tell my little to ride it out, but there has been no serious effort on her part to improve her situation. I want to give her tough love, but my past honesty and transparency has negatively affected our friendship. I don't know how to communicate with her. No matter how sweet and tender I try to be, she somehow finds a way to turn me into Cruella de Vil. There seems to be an insurmountable gap in our maturity levels and life experience. Anytime I give her sound advice, if it isn't what she wants to hear, she gets unnecessarily combative and defensive. I always have to be overly conscious of what I say as not to upset her. I would love for us to have the same relationship that my big and I have. I truly feel protective of my little and I want to maximize her sorority experience. If I care too much, she thinks I'm condescending. If I back off, she tells me I don't care at all. I can't win with her. Despite all of the above, I would miss her if she deactivated. Tough love may not be what my little needs right now, but I don't know how to baby a young adult, either. |
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"I am so lucky that you are my little. I would miss you terribly if you deactivated." That is at least one instant gratification message for her, and proof of the friendship she is seeking. Then, just simply focus on being her friend and having fun together and not so much the older sister relationship. Do non-sorority related activities together. If it is genuine then it won't come across as condescending. |
When a colony is formed, your headquarters works really hard to pick women who are strong, motivated, big-picture kind of thinkers. The colony and new chapter process is a lot of hard work! So they did a great job in selecting you. You get it and are prepared to put in the work for something bigger than yourself. Your first round of new members who are not colony members are not necessarily cut from that same cloth. Unfortunately you are going to lose some because all that elbow grease isn't what they signed up for. Do your best to hold onto her (because it would be unfortunate for several reasons, not least of which is the effort required to replace her), but understand, new chapter membership isn't for everyone. But do also remind her that she won't ever get to join another sorority, so maybe it's worth holding out for awhile to see if it gets better.
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In any organization there will be Alpha members! Those who lead and those who follow!
But sometimes the leaders get a little oppresive and over whelming as I have seen in my own chapter and almost ruined us in one semester!! As DubaiSis said when a new colony is formed there are few close ties ergo it takes longer to meld into a close group. Also there are those who are city mouse and those who are country mouse if you get my drift! Sounds like the country mouse needs a lot of tender care and love to get her out of her shell! |
If she isn't connecting, suggest doing lunch or dinner a couple of times a week and inviting other sisters. Or, go do something in a small group. Colonies are difficult b/c you are setting up the chapter and getting to know everyone at the same time. Of course, if you're older, lead by example. She may be struggling with some personal issues and get defensive if she thinks you're out to get her or aren't on her side. It takes time and it takes effort on everyone's part. One thing that established chapters are able to do is to incorporate everyone so that no one feels left out. That's why so many leave chapters, they aren't connected. Be one to take that first step and be inclusive of everyone. :)
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