can't have kids
 

Okay, so like two weeks ago I found out I can't have kids.

At first I thought the reason it was bugging me was because it was so new, and after a week or two I wouldn't really think about it anymore.

But now it's been a little bit and I'm still really, really stressed out about it. The strange thing is that while I always wanted to have a family, I never really *focused* on it -- like, I don't go out on dates thinking, "will this guy be a good father?" etc. But now it's like this door I'd always assumed would be open is closed, and it's freaking me out.

I don't quite know what the deal is. Do you guys think this worry'll go away, or what? I can't quite put my finger on why this is bothering me so much!

Hot Damn, neither can I.

Any kind of big news always take a while to sink in. It will work out for the best, though. If you decide you want children, you can always adopt. I think that's a more generous and loving way to have children, anyway.

Give it time! I hope you start to feel comfortable with your future, too.

Ivy

Ivy, did it take you a long time to get used to it? Thanks, btw, for sharing that with me. It helps more than you know.

~ Jacquelyn.

That is really big news to find out and is definitely going to take more than a week or so to sink in. And the thing is, if a man truly loves you, then you can have a huge or small family that is more loving than some families that born their own children. I've talked about this with a boyfriend before, I'll PM you, and he was like, you know there is other options. While news like this is a lot to grasp and a loss in a way, they longer you have to become comfortable with it, the more clear things will become. Plus, just think of all the little girl legacies you could adopt!!! You could stock the entire chapter with just your beautiful family. ;)

At any rate, give yourself some time, allow yourself to mourn, and there will be sunshine again, I'm your sister, would I lie?

Love In Our Bond,
Tara
I have a Phi Mu castle...

Hi....

The stages of acceptance of bad news follow the same progression, whether you're talking about infertility, sudden death, job loss, you name it. The first stage is denial, followed by anger and then gradual acceptance.

If you ever want to talk about how fabulous adoption is, please pm me! Our family was partially built by adoption and we have never regretted it.

Re: can't have kids
 

I'm so sorry, even from a guy's point of view this is something horrible to understand. It bothers you because even though it wasn't something you wanted now, but you feel cheated out of your birthright or privilege that everyone else is entitled to. However, with every new challenge, there is a solution. This isn't fair, but it doesn't make you any less of a person. You can still find happiness and a family and who knows, science is always discovering new things everyday. Hope is always there, but don't let this minor setback consume or alter your future plans.

RUgreek

I'm so sorry to hear this. :(

If I may ask, why does your doctor say you can't have children? You can PM me if you'd prefer. I ask because one of my sorority sisters was told she could never have a baby, and she recently gave birth to a beautiful little girl...

The doctor says I have a form of von Willebrand's disease (a bleeding disorder) which means my body will abort any children I have. This means I can technically *get* pregnant, but I wouldn't be able to carry a pregnancy to term.

I think part of what upset me so much was my boyfriend's reaction. We've been dating about 9 months and talked about how family is important to both of us (although we are, of course, years away from even considering marriage let alone pregnancy.) He said he really couldn't consider marrying any woman who couldn't have children, and that any "decent guy" who could do better wouldn't, either. He feels having one's biological children is a right men have, and an inner desire all men share.

For me, I think I'd be really OK with adopting. The things I want in a family have more to do with raising and loving the kids than the pregnancy.... if that makes any sense? I am a little shocked and surprised, and I wish I had this option -- I would love to see what a little boy or girl my husband and I would have would look like, act like, think like. But I think part of what's making this so hard to get over is the fact that I feel like I just found out I'm not going to be able to do all the things other women can do. And although I think my boyfriend's statements were a little over-the-top (we broke up about a week ago, I admit partially because I felt like he wasn't being very supportive of me while I was dealing with all this) it still hit a chord inside of me.

I cannot even begin to imagine how you might feel. I can only offer this thought as a small comfort.

When my parents decided that they wanted a little sister or brother for me, they were shocked to be told that my mother could no longer have children. Furthermore, by rights, I should not have even existed. My parents decided that they were not going to take that "no" for an answer. It took until I was 7 years old, but in 1988 we adopted my brother from Paraguay. He was 28 days old. The general sentiment in our family is that my brother was destined to be my brother and my parents' son from the moment he was conceived. I guess what I'm trying to say is that biology doesn't matter when forming a family. All that matters is love. You obviously have so much of it to give, and there are so many wonderful children out there who are in dire need of it. A perfect match if I've ever seen one.

My brother used to have this poem embroidered, hanging on his wall (he's since decided that he's too macho for it, so my mom has it up in her room). I think it about sums up anything I could hope to tell you.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me, through your tears,
The age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

How.... beautiful.

Thank you.

If it makes you feel any better I know exactly what you are going through. I can't have kids either...I found out when I was 16. It is a huge thing to deal with, but I promise it gets easier to deal with over time. I think things always have a way of working themselves out, and when you get through this, you'll know that you'll be able to deal with anything in life :)


PM me if you want to talk.

I almost forgot...there are 2 infertility support groups, Resolve and Stepping Stones. They have massive support systems and you can chat with hundreds of women who have been through this.

Also--there are so, so many guys who don't believe that biology is the only way to a family! You deserve better! You'll find the one--:)

This reminds me of a girl that I read about in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book. She was talking about her father (the man who adopted her) and her biological father. She said that her (adopted) father was her father in everyway that mattered, he was the one who was there for her at school functions, who bought her first car, who was there when she went on her first date. She didn't even consider the man who had helped to bring her in to the world her father. She said something like, "My (adopted) father was my father in every way except for one way that did not even matter." I believe 100% percent in adoption, if that is what you choose. You will have a long time to think about it. Were here for you. And speaking from experience, doctors are not experts. Have you tried getting a second opinion?

I'm sorry about your news. There are many definitions of family in this day and age. Giving birth is only one way to build a family. Medical and scientific advances have helped many couples become parents. Adoption is another. About 20% of my sorority sisters were adopted. Adoption is a wonderful way to build a family.

Your boyfriend was wrong to say what he did. There are many men who are very open minded about adoption. I know a woman who was told that she shouldn't have children due to a health condition. Her boyfriend was a very "decent guy" who was only concerned about his girlfriend's health and happiness. I hope that you meet someone like him. You deserve a lot better.

Ditto to everything that carnation wrote.

I don't know if you've heard a rendition of this-"It takes sperm to be a father. It takes love to be a Dad."
It holds true for motherhood as well.

I am so sorry to hear your news. It is hard when choices are taken away from us because we all tend to dwell on what might have been. You now can think of what might be. Adoption is a beautiful alternative because labor last hours, but being a Mother is forever. I agree there are men out there who will love you for YOU. These are the same men who still find their wives enticing after a masectomy or treat their daughters like a gem when nature surprises them with a girl instead of a boy-men who marry a woman with 2 kids, adopt them and love them as their own-men who can't father a child and smother their nieces and nephews with love-men with HEART. When you meet such a man, and you WILL, he will treasure you and the path you share as a couple. Give your boyfriend a little time to absorb the news because this is his future too. If he can't deal with this complication, move on. My sister and her boyfriend broke up when he learned she could not have any more children. It was painful for her at the time, but she is over it and now with someone who has raised his family and doesn't want to start all over. You will not be alone and you will find someone to share your life. There are so many possibilites out there for you to discover when you are ready.
All my love and prayers to you!