I don't party, but my new chapter does! Advice, please!
 

Hi!

I'm a transfer student (freshman, second semester) and I recently arrived and went through formal sorority recruitment. Because I wasn't here last semester, I don't know any of the girls (actives nor new members), but the reputation of the chapter that I have joined is that they are big partiers.

I...am not. At all.

It's not at all that I have a problem with drinking. I just don't want to get all dressed and made up to go sweat and drink crappy fraternity booze in order to feel included. I'm not trying to judge, either. What people do is their own business. I'm just absolutely terrified that I won't find anyone like me even when sober, and I don't want to have to go out to feel like I fit in. I feel like I've joined the wrong chapter.

Does anyone (active or alum) have any advice? We can't have meals at the house until we're initiated, so that's not really a way that I can meet people, either. :(

Please help! I don't want to drop, but I don't want to pay to hang around the edges of everyone for three years either!

I can pretty much guarantee that not everyone in your chapter is a heavy partier, although it may seem that way now. Those are the people that get noticed. Give it time. You will meet like minded people.

If they are not already in the house, you may meet them as PNMs next year and help them become part of your sisterhood. Your closest comrades may be in the pledge classes behind you, not in front of you. Think long term.

Hi! I'm an alumnae and I was in a similar situation - the chapters at my school didn't have a huge reputation for partying, but there were a fair number of women who did like to party on the weekends. Between not really becoming close friends with anyone my first semester + I didn't drink at all for personal reasons + I had zero interest in meeting fraternity men, I felt a little lonely initially.

The good news? First off, I'd bet you're not the only one who feels this way. Recruitment is not only full of tent talk, but it's a tiny sample of a larger group of people. (I don't know how large your chapter is or how many women you met prior to Bid Day, but unless it's tiny, you've probably not met the whole chapter.) Generalizations happen. Don't worry about reputation right now - get out there and meet these women and make your own opinion!

Bonus: the women you went through recruitment with constitute an entirely new group to this chapter, yourself included. Though it's probably a little overwhelming to think of, you and your fellow NMs are the ones who will create the feel of the chapter over the next year or two - sisters will graduate, move, and all sorts of things will change. Who knows what can happen in that time? :)

As for meeting your sisters, both NMs and actives:
- I went to study sessions in the library, especially with sisters who were in the same classes with me. That was a wonderful way to get to know a HUGE variety of sisters.
- We had NM class dinners where everyone could chat and get to know each other. (Don't be afraid to suggest it during a NM meeting, either! You could start a cool tradition of weekly or monthly dinners in your chapter.)
- You'll have sisterhood retreats and icebreakers where you can bond.
- You'll get a Big Sister - not just through the Big/Little night, but you may find a senior you admire and talk with a lot as well. I was lucky enough to have an awesome Big who introduced me to all of her junior and senior friends. (And I still keep in touch with them, 2+ years after my graduation!)
- Eventually, you'll have class events where you can just hang out and relax every once in a while. One of my absolute favorite memories was a potluck/cookout senior year at a sister's apartment. We played games, watched a movie, and had a blast. Every single woman showed up and found something to enjoy - and my class was pretty diverse!

Don't be scared - right now, everyone's trying to get to know each other! It's not as awkward as it feels to ask someone if they want to study or grab a meal together. I hope that helps and that you have a wonderful NM experience! :)

Cannot second this enough, as well. :) So true.

Well, guess what, you kind of are.

No one in their right mind thinks that fraternity parties are like going to tea with the Queen. But they can be really fun. Even if you're sober.

Crank the stick out and just go to a party or two and have fun with it. Drinking or not, you will never have fun if you act like you're above people.

I didn't drink when I was in college, but I did enjoy going to the parties. Yep, you can have a blast at them totally sober. :D I love music and dancing, so getta outta my way if there's a dance floor. ;) None of my sisters ever gave me a hard time about being one of the few who didn't drink and hopefully yours don't either. I did tend to gravitate towards the girls who drank very little and became closer to them (they are there--if your chapter is big, it may just take a little time finding them). The chapters at my school weren't very large at the time, but did find girls I had things in common with. It will come. The suggestions others have mentioned like doing study sessions together, etc are a good way to bond outside of a party atmosphere. What about going to the movies together? My close circle used to go to them all the time.

Yes, they can - unless you hate crowds and loud noises.

I hated fraternity parties. I occasionally went - that's what sisters do; they do things for one another that might not be their first choice. Each reinforced to me that it just was not my thing.

You don't have to go to every party, nor even most of them. You aren't acting like you're above people if you choose not to do things you don't enjoy. But no fair complaining without offering alternatives, either. Rather go bowling? To a climbing wall? Hiking? Touring historical sites? Propose them.

Don't have study nights? Propose one - perhaps an hour and a half or so of solid, quiet studying, followed by an hour of chatter and hijinks.

Exactly. OP sounds like she has never even tried going to a party, just has a picture of what they are. Plus that, she's a transfer, so fraternity parties at current school may be completely different from those at her old school.

Believe me, I was at more than one social gathering that I had no desire to be at, but you do those things for your sisters - and you might end up having fun in spite of yourself.

I can sympathize with the OP. I have a small degree of social anxiety, and getting ready to attend events makes me want to - literally- hide under the covers and read. However, my past experiences tell me that once I get there, I'll run into at least one person I know and begin to talk and enjoy the event. So I force myself to get to the event, and even if it isn't fun (like 33 said, not tea with the Queen) it's not the horrible, dark, demon-filled idea I had pictured in my head, either.

So, OP, go to a fraternity party with your sisters occasionally (maybe strategically choose those fraternities where you might know a member from class, or that you have heard aren't Kappa Tau / Animal House level) and propose other events occasionally.

You will get out of your sorority experience what you put into it, so decide what you want out of the experience, and make it happen! The only absolute you can say about ALL members of your sorority is that they are all members of your sorority- not ALL of them drink, party, study, shop, stay out late, enjoy fraternity parties...... Propose events you enjoy, and those who enjoy them too will show up!!

From one non-drinking INFJ to another... I totally get it. I didn't enjoy fraternity parties and only went when I had to do so. Loved my sorority and was very active, but loud social events were not my thing then and they still aren't today.

I agree with the suggestion to make the effort to set up INFJ-friendly events. You'll find other women like you. You don't need to find fifty women to hang out with and be close to. If you find a circle of women, you'll be fine.

And I also agree with the idea that you might find your closest sisters in the classes after you. Most of the women I'm still close to today were in pledge classes after mine.