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What advice to give to others who get that "no" multiple times...
I was having a discussion with a potential rushee of Beta Sigma Phi earlier today. Among other topics, we discussed Beta Sigma Phi and why I personally love being part of this organization.
Among her reasons for being interested in membership: She didn't get a bid through informal last spring, and went through this fall and didn't get a bid through formal and really wants to go Greek. This young woman doesn't feel that Beta is right for her (she wants a Panhellenic experience.....we're a different kind of organization) which is fine. Different strokes for different folks. I encouraged her to check out other orgs, maybe go through recruitment one more time if she feels that its something that she is willing to do and to go ahead and get involved on campus in general.... but something has had me ruminating for the last couple of hours....she told me: "I heard that you went Beta because the Greeks didn't want you and you wanted to be Greek. Maybe I should go Beta too because they don't want me." I don't know what to say. I mean, she's somewhat correct. I originally went Beta because of some very selfish reasons. I'm not afraid to admit that in public, and I'm open about it to those who ask. Things change, and people change their perspective over time. I know that mine did. Still, having been there: I don't know what to tell her. Sure, I ended up active and happy in several campus organizations in the end....but the whole experience has ended up with me not even thinking about the letters than I wear on my chest. It's become about the bonds that being involved in Beta and in other organizations has helped to forge and the memories that me and my sisters and friends create and share and the fun that we have together. I so want this person to find the same kind of joy and sense of purpose that I have found....but I don't know what advice to give her. She's the type that I have run into before: when it's "Greek or nothing". The solution isn't an immediate: "Start a chapter" or "start a new organization" or "keep banging your head against the wall and keep rushing". I know that much. And I don't want to give advice that might not be helpful. Still, this is the second time I've run into this situation during this past semester, and I'd love to be able to offer some solid advice that will benefit others when the need arises. I've read the "What to do if you're Released" thread and I'm still at a loss of what to say. Any advice? |
I started my freshman year thinking I wanted nothing to do with sorority life--eventually life served me back a taste of my own medicine and I figured out I wanted to join one like my friends had. While I was in limbo before my revelation and the next round of fall recruitment I'd joined an honors society/professional fraternity. I liked my experience with them but I found that as they tried to be more like the NPC/IFC ones, I enjoyed the experience less--it was not the same as the sorority I'm now in and I eventually left them after joining ADPi because they started acting like a GLO but without the regulations that ensure cliquey behavior and overzealous regulation of membership don't occur.
In short my advice is that the experience with another org that isn't an NPC is exactly what it is: an experience with an org that isn't an NPC sorority. Greek letters don't mean they'll be anything alike or that she'll be any more comfortable or happy there--you know this, and I think it's not hitting her yet. I would encourage her to take a good hard look her priorities, at what she wants in college, and to really think about what is going to serve her best now and in the future. I was released from fall formal recruitment when I "rushed" and I had a week or two before ADPi colonized to take a healthy step back and re-evaluate things. I kind of developed the mantra that I'd survived a year and a month without a sorority in my life and I could keep doing that now since I'd done it before. I made a resolution that if colony recruitment failed I was done and I was going to make my bed and lie in it. She needs to have that moment, and get to that place where not having a set of letters for a sorority/fraternity still means you're going to be fine and have fun and enjoy college. I think she needs to get more involved outside the frat/sorority world and see that people can be truly happy and fulfilled without the tethers of a ritualized friendship. |
IIRC you are a bit older. It's hard to talk to the young ones (did I really just type that? CALL A NURSING HOME...) But 18-21 year olds think they are invincible and that everything is an option. Which isn't a bad way to be, but idk if there's much you can say to counter that opinion.
FWIW the reason I responded to this thread in the first place is to say that, once these girls get past their NPC dreams, some of them can become good sisters. Some of them never get past the fact that your organization isn't the "same" as an NPC, but some do. We've had some great girls who went thru NPC several times and then came to us. One in particular is from my pledge class- we are still close friends- she was so terribly shy that "rush" just wasn't for her. She wanted to be part of a sisterhood badly, so when she joined she really put 100% into the group and got a lot out of it. The key is realizing that just because you have letters does not mean it's going to be an NPC experience. JMO. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, if you are inclined to share... (I was in a service sorority btw) |
You've raised some important issues that any Beta Sigma Phi chapter that operates on a college campus will have to consider.
Two immediate thoughts... 1. I love your honesty. You've really had to think about why you desired a sorority experience from the beginning, and how BSP does or does not meet your needs. I'm glad that you've grown into a mindset of seeing BSP's differences and embracing them. But wouldn't you say, at its core, Beta Sigma Phi is about building relationships with sisters while developing as an individual? Not so different other sororities (both collegiate and community-based), right? 2. I'm a bit shocked and a little hurt (on your behalf, I guess :) ) by the potential new member's comment. How very forward of her to say you are a BSP because the others "didn't want you." That makes me cringe. Would she go to a smaller NPC chapter and ask a sister if she is an XYZ because they were desperate for members? Seems like the same thing to me. So...my advice...hmmm... First off, every sister's journey to Beta Sigma Phi is going to look different. I started a chapter as a graduate student. It was not officially "on campus," but only two of our members were not students at that campus. I knew that our chapter wasn't going to look like or operate like an NPC, and I was glad of that since my life as a newly married, full-time grad student, part-time college instructor wasn't going to allow me the schedule of an active NPC sorority member. On the "con" side, I also had to realize that I wasn't going to like everything about how BSP operates on an International level. In over 10 years of membership, I've been able to understand and embrace those differences, too. Like you said, your perspective changed. That's part of being an adult. Given that we are all going to have a different BSP story, I would not rule out a potential member because she thinks that Beta Sigma Phi is sort of a back up plan. (I hate the notion, but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.) She needs to be well informed of the differences between BSP and the other sororities on campus. She should be given a few opportunities to see your chapter in action and get a feel for how you operate from a functional stand point and how you operate as sisters and friends. You might even want to show her The Torch and emphasize the lifelong opportunities that you can't help noticing when you see the wide age range of our active membership. Give her the fullest picture possible, and THEN she can decide if BSP would only be a "back up plan" for her or if it is a legitimate and exciting opportunity. Just like anyone else, she could make the wrong decision, but that isn't the end of the world. She will learn something about herself along the way. I've had some disappointments in my sorority experience, but I keep building a new and fuller perspective. I don't think that anyone is BORN as the perfect Beta Sigma Phi. We all bring expectations and "baggage." Even though Beta Sigma Phi is different, if a woman is looking for sisterly relationships, leadership opportunities, educational opportunities, and community service experiences, she can make BSP work for her. If she wants something else (maybe something less tangible), she might need to look elsewhere. I hope this is helpful in some rambling way. ;) |
Another perspective: you don't need to give any advice. You simply listen. Many times people need to hear themselves say something so they can work through it on their own. That is how they grow. We don't need to respond. We don't need to rescue. And we most certainly don't need to fix anything.
Listening is huge. It opens the mind to look at a situation from other perspectives without inserting your own biases, and it permits the person to do the same. And if a person is stuck, you can try to rescue. Be my guest. Let me know how that works for you. Bottom line is that the person needs to figure this out. It also gives you an opportunity to reflect on your own part in a situation and you grow as well. |
And AZTheta has just said what I was thinking in a much more steam-lined way...:)
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(((hugs))) to you, erica812. I wish we lived closer together so we could have coffee with AZ-Alpha Xi. You'd enjoy yourself! Oh yeah. We are Wild and Crazy Girls.
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Everyone above has already said what I am thinking but, they have said it much more eloquently. I really think it is offensive this girl thinks of it as a "back-up" because I am always a Phi Mu (always) but, I wanted to also get involved in another great organization like Beta Sigma Phi. I didn't do it as a back-up. Many women in BSP, some on GC, are members of both an NPC and Beta Sigma Phi. We did it for another great avenue to meet great people. It's nothing like my NPC involvement but, I love it. I have met some great people. Don't look at it as a "back-up" or because you were being selfish, look at it as a great way to meet other charitable women who want to give to the sorority. I also earned a scholarship through Beta Sigma Phi as my sisters in BSP, just like my sisters in Phi Mu (where I also earned a scholarship), support me furthering my education. It's not better. It's not worse. It's different. I'm glad I am able to be a member of BOTH Phi Mu and Beta Sigma Phi.
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NPC Greek Life isn't for everyone. It depends a lot on the campus, too. Many members on here (myself absolutely included) wouldn't have been part of their sororities a t different campi. The first thing anyone has to do is either decide to try again, or to not. If it's the latter, they need to accept that concept completely and THEN move on. You can't give your heart to a group if it's someplace else. Until she's done that, she's not a good candidate for any group.
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While there are some commonalities between them (social interaction, even if it isn't a specific focus; belonging) if the differences were made more clear to potential new members of any organization, and finding a place to belong to was made to be the focus, I feel like situations such as these might become less frequent. Some people might belong to an NPC, or a Honorary or Circle K or Beta or the Ski Racers Club: but if students were reassured that "all organizations are different and one organization is not superior to another and there is not a place for everyone in every organization out there, but there is a good place for you" who knows what help that might be in some small way. :) I appreciate the good words from my sisters and members of GC and thank you all. |
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Rush is like dating. People are initially attracted to potential dates for a bunch of dumb, superficial reasons - looks, popularity, "cool" factor. That's never enough, though. Sometimes the cool, hot guy is just not the guy that you click with. Sometimes you end up with some guy who is perfect for you, but didn't have the same kind of immediate, flashy appeal.
If I had to come up with a response to that (VERY RUDE) PNM, I would say something like this: "It doesn't matter how you end up in the organization that you end up in. If it's going to work out and be a positive experience, the organization has to provide experiences that you enjoy and want to have, and you have to bring positive traits that contribute to the organization. You can't just chose a group because 'nobody else wants me.' You have to ultimately find something of value in that group and bring something of value to that group. Before you chose an organization, you should think about whether that group can do that for you and whether you can do that for that group." |
You didn't, and shouldn't give more details about the girl, but as I recall the only roadblock toward your collegiate NPC membership was your age. That's not "they didn't like me," it's just bad timing. You found a way to fill a void in your life, and this girl will do the same.
You may not want to verbalize it, but deep down you probably know what the barrier is to this girl gaining NPC membership. In your case, it was a birth certificate with the wrong year. Now, no, if you are not friends with this girl and she doesn't ask directly, it's not your job to tell her. I'm sure you've read through the threads where we suggest a girl have a sit down with herself and be honest about what really went wrong. That IS something you could say to her. Maybe the NPC sororities really didn't like her. Why not? One might guess that she has atrocious conversational skills, being that she was appallingly rude to you. How fabulously warm and pleasant was she during NPC rush? |
I'd advise you not offer than young lady a bid. She sounds bitter and rude and needs to figure herself out and learn how to talk to people if she's trying to gain membership in their organization.
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