Making the decision to depledge
 

Hey everyone. I've been lurking on GreekChat for months (thanks for all the recruitment advice!) but I'm a first time poster. I know GreekChat is full of amazing women who love their sorority, so I'm hoping some of you can give me advice. I recently pledged a sorority at a big Southern school. I never thought I'd join a sorority, but I ended up going through rush and accepting a bid from my legacy house. I've been a part of my sorority for over a month now, and it's definitely been a mixed bag- some parts I like and some parts I do not. Initiation is coming up and I'm considering depledging for a few reasons.

I don't feel like I fit in with my chapter- I have different morals, values, and religious beliefs than the majority of the girls. I've met some really nice people and have found a group of friends, but I don't feel like I "click" with them. Nearly every girl in my chapter is Christian and I am not. It seems like religion is very important in our chapter. I am very uncomfortable with all of this. I have no objections to Christianity, but I'm not familiar with it at all and I feel like an outsider.

I'm also uncomfortable with all of the rules. Some of them are understandable, but I think a lot of them are a bit ridiculous. I'm constantly paranoid that I'm going to unknowingly do something wrong and get in trouble or kicked out. It's really taken a toll on me. I never wear my letters around campus because I'm scared that I will do something to make my sorority look bad.

Can anyone give me advice? I know many of you are alums and can see the bigger picture. I take the lifetime commitment very seriously, and I don't want to be initiated into an organization that I'm not 100% passionate about. I feel like it's unfair to both myself and the sorority. I wish I could postpone initiation so I could think about it a little more.

Can I ask why you joined? If you drop, do you plan on trying again?

If the alternative is to quit entirely, then talk to your new member educator ASAP. Maybe there is a chance that you can put off initiation.

Understand that you are at an important cross roads. If you depledge, there is slim to zero chance that you would receive a bid anywhere, if you chose to rush again. We really can't tell you if you should depledge or not. We don't know how unhappy you are.

I decided to rush because I wanted to be a part of the sisterhood. I really wanted to make lifelong friends in college and find a "home away from home." I joined my particular sorority because I loved their philanthropy and felt like all the girls were genuine. And of course, my mom was in the sorority so that was a big plus. My mom and I are super close and being her sister means a lot to me.
If I decide to drop, I know I'll never rush again. I'm really questioning if sorority life in general is right for me.

Talk to your pledge educator. Ask her to meet you for coffee some place quiet and tell her about your questions and concerns. These are legitamate concerns.

One of the things that can be hard in the huge pledge classes we have at big schools is it is getting harder to create that "ah-ha!!" Moment where everything clicks you love your pledge class an your big is your long lost sister-from-another-mother.

Tell her your questions about faith. Occasionnally one girl will go over board about religion but that might not represent the whole chapter.

Tell her your questions about the rules. Are they straightforward? Are they clear? Were they put together for you in writing? Sometimes a pledfe educator assumes everyone knows more than they do. Its ok to ask questions. Tell her your concerns and hopedully she can help relieve some of the stress. This is just one more part of adjusting to college.

All of this!
Also, have you talked to your mom about it?

First off, welcome to GreekChat! I always find it refreshing when a new poster is thoughtful and articulate.

Secondly, while I wouldn't assume that your mom would reveal ritual information to you, I find it interesting that you're just now seeing the religious aspect of your sorority. Do you and your mom share the same religion? If so, perhaps you should discuss the issue with her, and ask her if she has any suggestions for how to feel more comfortable with the religious references.

Thirdly, some people simply aren't cut out for sorority life, and you may be one of those people. There's nothing wrong with that at all, and if you think you'll constantly be viewing your membership negatively, it might be best to depledge. You're the only one who can make that decision though, so any comments you receive here should be taken with a grain of salt.

Finally, sorority life as a collegian is a relatively short amount of time in the grand scheme of things. Life as an alum is quite fulfilling, yet isn't as strict (or obviously religious) as collegian life. It may be worth sticking around a while longer to see if you can feel comfortable with your group in order to experience life as an alum.

Re: the religion aspect.
First, that's probably not something that came from the sorority. More than likely, there is a group of members who is very devout and maybe even lead a Bible study group within the chapter.
Those members can be very vocal. You may feel like you need to join in, but you really don't.

Second, you're in the South, and Christian churches and religion pay a big part in daily life in the South. Often, church is the main social outlet in town. I would suggest talking to your vp:programs (sometimes called an education chairman) about a program about your sorority's stance on faith. It could even branch out into a discussion about the different faiths represented in your chapter.

I'm sorry this makes you uncomfortable - it's never meant to. I know that a lot of people who move to the South get all bent out of shape when a lot of people ask where they go to church. It's just how we're friendly - we want to make sure you feel included (if anybody asks you that, just say you've found a church home - you don't have to elaborate).

I understand that most folks are just being friendly! It's just that it gets tiring after a while, if that makes sense. I have the upmost respect for Christians, but I have been evangelized to my entire life, and sometimes I just want a break. I've lived in the South since birth, but my family is originally from the North. So that may account for the cultural rift. My mom grew up in a much more secular part of the country, so I don't think she faced the same issues I am facing.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I'm going to do some soul-searching and really think about whether sorority life is for me. I've been putting a lot of effort and time into my sorority, so that should help. It's confusing, because all of my friends are in sororities and LOVE it. I guess I was expecting to automatically love it too.

I've loved it as a pledge, active and alum; however, I do think things can evolve as you go -- My freshman year, I hung out only with the girls who had the same interests as I did. As I matured, I found others who believed differently and we formed close friendships.

Don't forget that next year, you will play a role in selecting new members -- women who you will love.

It also lasts a lifetime. I know that it is difficult to see past next week, but trust us on that -- it's worth it.

Very good points.

I would also posit that there are also more nonreligious or at least less pious women in your chapter than you realize. Your experiencing culture shock, which is not unusual. Southern chapters can be overwhelmingly Christian. The key is can you find your place without feeling like you are being forced to pretend to be something your not or judged for not being Christian. I suspect you can, but I hope you'll investigate before you quit. The new member period can be difficult. It's not always sunshine and roses. Adjusting can take a lot of work. Good luck. I hope what ever you decide is something you can live with.

Also, it COULD be that as a pledge you have all the rules crammed down your throat and you're scared to death, only to find out there's a sizable group of complete ho-bags, drunkards, slobs, whatever, who are not spending one bit of time worrying about the rules that are making you actually consider quitting. You might have an overly zealous pledge trainer who is all about the rules and forgetting about the fun.

Regarding the religion thing, I can definitely feel your pain. While I was in college I still considered myself Catholic, but now as an adult I really consider myself agnostic (believe there is a god of some sort, not a fan of organized religion). This is something that people of strong faith REALLY can't wrap their mind around. Moving back to the United States after 3 years away I really felt the weight of how much religion controls all aspects of so many American's lives. But here's the thing - dropping out of the sorority probably isn't going to diminish that. Likely you're going to feel that in all aspects of college and social life in the south. Crap, I live in Southern California and I don't think a day goes by that I don't have some element of religion rear its ugly head at me. On that ground, unless they are harassing you about going to bible study, I'd try to let it go. Because it's such a huge chapter, they're still getting to know you. As they do, they'll stop bringing it up. They don't know they have moved from friendly to boring to oh my god shut up about it already! And with initiation around the corner, fair warning: there WILL be a religious aspect to your initiation. There are only 2 sororities that are truly secular, and I don't think either of them are particularly big in the south. The ritual hasn't changed in 100 years. You just have to bite down and get through it. HOWEVER, if that's going to be a big problem, address it with your pledge trainer, big, president, someone. They can't tell you exactly what's going to happen during initiation but they can probably give you enough clues to make you comfortable. Or maybe your Mom will cheat and share so as to make you more comfortable. That's between you and her. I'm not saying she should.

And on the huge chapter issue and not feeling like you've clicked, you have to give that time. It sounds like you've actually done pretty well making connections. It always seems like everyone is way more connected to each other than you are. Do you know that all 4 members of the Beatles wanted to quit at one point or another because they thought the other 3 were such good friends and he was the odd man out? Even Paul. HA!

I had a friend who used to say he was a "fallen Catholic"—"I get out of bed on Sunday to go to Mass and then fall back in."

Having grown up in a small Southern town, I found one of the most valuable lessons in fraternity life was to see guys who weren't like me as brothers. It was easy to consider guys with similar backgrounds as mine as my brothers. But learning to see guys from very different backgrounds not just as friends but as brothers is a lesson that has stuck with me.

I'm not saying the OP should stick it out when it doesn't feel right just to learn this same lesson. But I wouldn't discount the possibility of forming some real bonds either.

Some of us can ;)

I call myself a Recovering Catholic. I have yet to relapse. I have successfully been on the wagon for about 15 years.

Join the club. I'm recovering too