How to Ask If Someone is Greek
 

Hi all! I apologize if this has been posted before. I did some searching but I didn't look THAT hard. If someone could help me out I would greatly appreciate it!!
My question is: how do you ask someone if they were in a Greek organization, for the purpose of recommendations? A distant family friend and two of her daughters went to a particular SEC school. My mom doesn't think they were in a sorority but she is not 100 percent sure. This distant friend is visiting in the near future and I know my mom will see her, but I am not sure if I will. Is it ok for my mom to ask if she or her daughters were in a sorority and perhaps see if she could fill out a rec form? Or should I call/text/email or you have it?


Thanks!

You should really be doing the asking, not your mom. If this is important to you, then find the recs yourself.

You don't have to ask "Are you in a sorority?" You can (and I think you should) say something like "I am going to be going through recruitment at State University in the fall. I am really excited about possibly joining a sorority. I am looking for women who ARE in sororities who might be willing to write a letter of recommendation for me..."

If they are sorority members, they should pick up what you are asking and offer to help you, if they are comfortable writing a rec. And yes, the term is women who "ARE" in sororities, not "were". Our membership does not end with graduation.

Good luck!

Adding to thetalady, if you know she went to a particular school, asking her if she knows anything about their Greek system would be an entree. And don't forget, Greeks aren't segregated. If you bring up the issue and she isn't Greek, she may still know women who can help.

I'm wondering if it might be to your benefit to make the awkward phone call now as opposed to waiting for "the near future." If you're talking about rush that is happening at an SEC school and it's happening in August, every day is critical. Many schools wanted the recs in before school let out.

One more possibility: troll your Mom's friend's Facebook page. Not all alumnae have "liked" their sorority, but if she has, then you can be pretty much certain.

There seem to be two camps on GC in regards to soliciting recommendations: those who think it is okay for mom, friends or relatives to assist in finding recs., and those who think it is better for the PNM to find them herself. I belong to the first camp.

Under the circumstances that you may not get to see the friend yourself, it should be fine for mom to make the initial contact-then you can handle it from there on out, with a phone call, email or skype if friend and/or daughters (or people they know) are sorority members.

I agree -- I even think it would be perfectly fine for mom to give them a call now.

IMO it is probably best for the PNM to ask teachers and people mom may not know personally, and to do the follow-up with all (including people who are mom's contacts), but I think it is fine for moms to ask their friends and contacts (dads too).

This is common practice -- where I am anyway. Gathering the recs needed for recruitment at these schools is quite an undertaking, and parents are often very involved with the process.

I'm with FSUZeta and Hart on finding recs. The PNMs need all the help they can get! This can be scary to a generation that is not comfortable YET with face-to-face interactions. That's another topic.

Seems that there are so many ways to reach out to folks for assistance, thanks to social media. One I've seen that works: a message in the church bulletin/fb page/website, politely worded along the lines of "(name) is very excited to be starting university/college this coming fall. She is participating in sorority recruitment and would enjoy/welcome (whatever) talking with sorority alumnae." It's indirect, but the message is there and when I see that, I pick up the phone/email the PNM to say "do you need recs?" and then my "rec machine" goes into overdrive.

I am pleased when another alumna from any GLO reaches out to me for help in obtaining a rec for a PNM.

As a alumnae panhellenic officer, I seem plenty of moms and daughters work together, just as FSUZeta and Hart of SEC described. Mom might make the initial contact and let daughter do the rest, at least until daughter gets the idea of how to do it.

I also see lots of moms who do it all ("daughter is just SO busy this summer"). This year we had one mom who wrote the kid's resume and has gotten all kinds of stuff wrong. At first we figured the kid was lying. Looking at it again (more charitably, anyway), we decided mom was doing it all and has screwed stuff up.

Very good points, ladies!! I will happily amend my advice :) I agree that it is the PNM who expects her mom to do everything that bugs me.

Me too!

Self-management is the biggest skill my daughter said she learned her freshman year (and she still has a lot to learn...that's what growing up is all about). However, I also firmly believe in getting involved when the stakes are high and there aren't any "do overs." We have expertise we can use to help our daughters in this process.

Personally, I think the person who knows the potential rec writer is the one who should ask the favor/make the initial introduction. Then the process should be turned over to the PNM. In my daughter's case, I made the initial contact for several recs, then passed the phone to my daughter, or had her follow up when the PRW told me in a face-to-face conversation that she'd be happy to write one. Grandma even made one contact, and invited her friend and my daughter to lunch at her home so they could meet. Only in one case did my daughter make the initial contact, and this was because she knew the PRW personally (but so did Grandma). She later told Grandma at church that she was happy to write the rec for my daughter.

One of the calls really was a cold call...I knew through one of my sorority sisters that this PRW was very involved in her sorority, and I called her and used our mutual friend's name as an entree. She was excited to do it...she writes a lot of recs. Then I passed off the phone to generallygreek and they met for lunch (my daughter's treat). Frankly, the whole process was a good experience for building social skills.

Amen.

Great! Thank you so much for the help. I am going to be a transfer student at a school in the Northeast, and I do not believe the school says it recommends recs. I'm going to search for recs just because I am a year older than most of the girls going through recruitment. No one in my family has gone greek, so I need to reach out to other sources for possible recs.

Yup, I have looked at the mother and daughter's Facebook page and nothing jumps out saying they were in a sorority. I have also looked at several other women's pages and there has been nothing (guess I have a lot of time on my hands? haha).

So now that I'm thinking about it, how about searching among these ends?

My sisters went to graduate school at an SEC and a Texas University. I know they have a few friends whom were in sororities when they were undergraduates, although I don't know which friends. I'm sure I've met one or two of them. Therefore, like you guys said, is it ok for my sisters to instigate the conversation?

I am nannying for the summer and my employer went to a school in Florida. I have only been working for two weeks now, so it is still early. How and when should I ask her if she was in a sorority?

Thanks for helping me! I greatly appreciate it! :)

As I believe someone suggested, with your nannying job you could mention to your employer that you will be attending Great Northern U. in the fall and will be going thru sorority recruitment. You might then say that you have been working on getting recs. for each sorority at GNU and so far you have "X" toward your goal of "Y". That might get the ball rolling and hopefully at that point she will jump into the conversation and say,"Well, I was an ABC at CollegeDowntheRoad. Do you need an ABC rec.?" If she doesn't take the bait, just politely ask her if she is a sorority member, or if she knows any women who are sorority members.

And definitely have your sisters ask their friends if they can help you with recommendations. It would be helpful if you gave your sisters a list of the sororities at your school, and highlight the sororities which you still need recs. for. After your sisters make the initial contact, you take it from there.

Keep in mind too that most sorority women are happy to help. If they come from a school that was rec-heavy, they remember when they were the one scrambling for recs, and they won't mind returning the favor. I am currently helping a PNM secure recs, and she was terrified to ask people that we both know, thinking that she was imposing terribly. She has been shocked at the favorable response.

On another note, please make sure your resume is complete. This year I have gotten several with no academic information, work history, etc. It makes it a lot more difficult for the rec writer.

One opening that someone used with me was something like this:

PNM: "That's a very interesting necklace that you're wearing. Does it have any significance?"

Me (smiling): "Yes, it's my sorority crest."

PNM: "Do you mind me asking which sorority? I plan to go through Recruitment at Monster's University. Is your sorority there?"

Me: "Why, yes, it is - Alpha Delta Pi. Have you started looking for recs yet? You'll need them there."

PNM: "Yes! And I don't have any for ADP (yes, P, not Pi, that's why this stands out!) yet."

Me: "Well, it's ADPi, but if you'd like me to write one for you, just let me know."

This was a young woman who I've known since she was about 4 years old, so it was a pleasure to sit down with her and write a rec. I think most alumnae who are asked in a non-demanding way and are provided with the necessary information are only too glad to help out.