need advice for breaking up before college
 

hey guys i've been reading a bunch of those college break up posts the past couple weeks since its that time of year for graduation...
i talked with my girlfriend of almost 2 years the other night about what we are going to do for college, and it went good other than both of us getting emotional since its a hard topic for us. We decided to break up for college but remain close friends JUST IN CASE...

my problem is that now its like a time bomb in my head and heart. i still love her as a person and enjoy being around her, but its just not the same. knowing that we are going to break up is constantly on my mind and it is even more when i am with her. its a little painful actually. Its now the first of may and i graduate the 22nd. on june 26th-july26th i will be at a pre summer freshman course 6 hours away from my home town, so i will not be able to see her then. once i return, i have to leave again august 18th permanently for college.

Basically my question is, is should i end things before the summer course? i know that college kids will still be there, and rush parties will be going on so i dont want to "do anything stupid" if you know what i mean. she wants to wait till the end of summer, but i can already feel myself distancing away from her. i dont even know how to approach her about it because im afraid of the feeling of being single, even though i know it has to happen sometime this summer. thanks for readin

BTW: ive only noticed girls posting in this section, so i hope that this isn't the wrong area. i apologize if it is

Why break up the whole way? Just make an agreement to see other people casually, and make ground rules on your level of intimate involvement. (i.e. kissing is OK but anything more than that no - obvi that depends on how intimately involved you are)

What 33girl said. Different things work best for different couples, but for many, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Plenty of people agree to redefine things and see others while at college.

This distance you're feeling is your mind/heart readying itself for the breakup. It sounds like you are torn between dreading it and wishing to just get it over with. Maybe you don't need to do either. You know yourself and your girlfriend best, but at least consider trying for a happy medium before ending it. Of course, this is all assuming that that you are in a good and healthy relationship. If so -- then the fact that it's a hard topic for both of you, you're seeking advice and she wants to wait as late as possible could indicate that neither of you are quite sure about a complete break up. It may be worth discussing another possibility. Good luck!

It's good that you're being realistic, but maybe a smidge more than fatalistic. I don't think it's healthy to go into college with promise rings and statements of undying love, but you don't have to completely nip it either.

I don't think there's a lot to be gained by beating it to death with each other. If you get to this summer program and immediately find yourself attracted to lots of girls, then I think your answer is stating itself. If you like the feeling of being grown up and on your own, but really wish she was there with you, that's probably a pretty healthy way to feel, and if you are sitting in a dark corner nursing a beer or vomiting your whole relationship woes with any girls who will listen, then you've got some other issues to deal with. But here are some things to be aware of:
1-no matter what, at some point you will get lonely, call her and want to get back together.
2-at some point you will probably do something really stupid where it applies to girls and/or alcohol. Do your best to limit your exposure in both cases. You're smart enough to know how to take precautions on both points.
3-the next few years are more stressful than you can ever imagine. Try to not be too hard on yourself.

Okay, I'm disagreeing with the others who have posted (even though I'm inclined generally to trust advice from those posters), but I'd say yes, go ahead and break up. From what you've said, you really already have broken up, both by your agreement and in your mind -- you're just delaying the effective date of the break-up. That puts you in a strange and uncomfortable limbo where you've broken up in reality but haven't broken up officially. Sometimes you just have to pull the scab off.

Stay friends if you can, not "just in case" but because you want to stay friends. But if you've already made the decision together to break up, you're not doing each other any favors by putting it off.

For what it's worth, I'm a guy.

I agree completely. This also gives you both time to recover before school starts rather than going in weepy messes (maybe more of a problem in her case but you never know.)

I'm reminded of the old "if you love someone, set them free..."

There's truth to that, though. As someone who didn't break up with their HS sweetheart, and went home most weekends to be with him, I can tell you I regret not being "free". You find out so much about yourself during college, and I would advise almost everyone to let their heart be free for awhile - even if your high school sweetheart is going to the same college. You can always get back together later (maybe go on a few dates next summer when you're both home) to see if the people you're becoming are even compatable.

Never make a decision until you have to. Why? Because situations, and circumstances in the environment can, and sometimes do, change.

You've already feeling some conflict (you want to break up, she wants to wait-- you both are sad) because it's a premature, artificial decision. You call it a timebomb because you have (prematurely?) set the timer. Besides this question of break up that you two introduced, nowhere in your post did you say that your basic feelings for each other had changed. That’s a problem.

What you’ve done is create a “solution” in search of a potential problem.

You're headed to college, a period of big change and discovery in your life. Your present relationship may become a casualty of that at some point -- or it may not. That's life.

Every relationship is unique, with its own strengths/weaknesses. You will find out about yours. I respect the "conflict" you're feeling becuase you're trying to prepare. But take what you two have built, and enjoy, as you presently find it. Life is littered with "less than," sub-standard relationships. Why would you ever trash one that's working? If it continues to nourish you NOW, stay in it.

If you/ she find yourself wanting out, because of distance, loneliness, interest in new people, whatever, then respect what you two had by ending it then.

Until that happens, you're needlessly sabbotoging (sp) something thats adding to the value of your life. You might want to rethink that.

I'm a guy.

If I could go back and change one thing about my Freshman year of college, it would be that I'd break up with my boyfriend before we both left for different schools thousands of miles away.

He was a terrific guy, we both really cared about each other, but...

I never really fully engaged my Freshman year. I spent way too much time thinking about him, counting days til I'd see him, waiting for him to call, etc.

We ended up breaking up at the end of the school year, which was devastating, and I spent the whole summer dealing with that aftermath.

Every situation is different, but I think part of the joy of college is going there as a blank slate, open to everything that comes your way. It's hard to do that if you're in a relationship with someone who is there with you.

No matter when it happens, it's going to be hard. But if you're both agreed, why not go ahead and take the summer to heal and move forward?

By the way - he's still a great guy - he married a woman who was totally right for him, they have two gorgeous kids, etc. I found the man of my dreams and married him... it totally worked out.

I read this as...

-in case she's (to use a nice euphemism) socially unsuccessful
-in case you're socially unsuccessful
-in case you both have a lonely night and want to make a booty call

I totally agree with TonyB's post. Also, breaking up before you're really ready is just going to make you look at her (and her look at you) at some point as "the one that got away." You have to let things happen organically with relationships, not artificially.

See, I'm reading his post as "we we've already made the decision to break up, and I'm already starting to move on, but we just haven't ripped the band-aid off yet so I feel very conflicted about even thinking about moving on."

I guess the OP needs to be honest with himself about which scenario is really going on here -- whether it's a situation of them breaking up because they're "supposed to" even when they don't want to, or whether it's a situation of deciding to break up because they want to but delaying the break-up's effective date because it's hard and scary to actually do it.

If the OP doesn't think the decision to break up is the right one, you and Tony are, I think, right, and he needs to revisit the decision with his girlfriend. But if he does think it's really the right decision, then he needs to own it, stop putting the actual break-up off and not live in limbo for the next few months.

It sounds to me like OP wants to be free to hook up with other girls as part of his anticipated college experience. If it's his desire not to be monogamous, he needs to consider whether his current relationship should even still be monogamous right now. If he's saying he's worried he's going to have a casual hookup or that he wants to be able to have a casual hookup, staying in this relationship isn't respectful to her.

I just don't think you can really "love" someone in a relationship sort of way and also think you want to have casual encounters. It seems this relationship is over.

OP -- you're getting good advice and it's all correct -- depending on what side of the fence you're really on.

Thanks for all the responses guys I appreciate them and I do agree with them all. Maybe I didn't put in enough information but I do want to break up for college, and she is on the fence about it but knows we will. When I say I love her still, I do and I believe that is possible in a relationship. It's not the romantic love though we've never had that, it's the more of a friendship love for someone like a best friend. I have decided after reading that I will talk to her about ending our relationship before summer school so I can have the remainder of the summer to get over it.
Also when I say just in case, I don't mean anything that you said... I ment just on case we get back together. Thanks for the respect...

It sounds like you were in a very small town with a very couples-based HS culture, and you guys ended up together kind of out of necessity and out of liking each other more than anyone else around. That's cool. You are both going to have a lot more options available to you in college, though.