telling her the truth
 

OK folks, I want to know if I am totally off-base with advice I am giving a guy friend. He is 42, she is 37. He has been dating her for 3 months. He wants to break up with her this weekend.

He does not want to break up with her because ever since their first date she has wanted to be glued to his hip 24/7. Not because after 5 weeks she started saying "I love you" several times during each date. Nor because after 6 weeks she gave him a key to her house and asked for a key to his. It's not because she's plain and quiet (as opposed to him- he's very outgoing and good looking). It's not because he is unfulllfilled in bed. It's not even because he has been unhappy in the relationship since they started seeing each other.

It is because his extremely hot ex-girlfriend agreed to get back together with him.

I have advocated telling his current gf the truth- I am breaking up with you because I want to get back together with my ex. I think this will prevent a lot of the doubt and unhappiness his gf will go through trying to figure out what she did wrong and what she needs to change to get him back. It might even prevent those tearful phone calls promising to "fix it", lose weight, do better, etc. In spite of her relationship inadequacies, this is not her fault. My friend would have continued dating her just to keep from having to break up with her and make her unhappy. I figure she can be mad at him instead of agonizing over it being her fault.

I also explained to him that the fact he continued to flirt with his ex girlfriend the entire time means he is a louse and his gf is well rid of him anyway. So I am advocated a clean, truthful break.

Am I giving the wrong advice?

No, you are not giving the wrong advice, unless you fear current girlfriend going postal on ex that he's getting back with.

I did the same thing this dude did (i.e. didn't have the heart to break up w/ someone) in my first ever relationship when I was 19. He should NOT be doing it at 42. Basically, he's an immature dolt.

33girl- you're echoing some of what I told him, too! Immature, idiot, and "wrong, just wrong"........

ETA: No, she won't go postal. She'll blame herself, not the other woman. BTW- hot ex-gf has been very standoffish with him while he has been in this relationship. I think that is part of why he wants her so badly. She won't have anything to do with him physically while he is attached. She'll let him flirt text with her, and she'll talk to him, but nothing else. I told him that she had reeled him in, but he can't see it.

You gave him great advice. I feel bad for the current gf, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

Do you think he will take your advice?

I talked to him a few minutes ago. He chickened out tonight b/c "we are over at my house and I don't want her to have to make that long miserable drive home after." He also says he has too much work to do this weekend (he's in grad school getting a degree in counseling) so he'll probably wait til Wednesday when they usually stay at her place. :rolleyes:

He did say he'll probably take my advice and use "mostly the truth"........ I quoted 33Girl and told him that he is an immature dolt. He hung his head and said "I know. I'm a bad person. I don't deserve her anyway. But I really want to get back together with (ex)."

So we'll see.

Can we add selfish to immature dolt? Anddd he is getting his grad degree in counseling? Scary.

I wonder if this douchebag isn't trying to have his cake and eat it too. Why dump a steady when you can string her along with your hottie ex on the side?

No offense to your friend, but I'm shocked that a grad student in counseling doesn't have the balls to break it off with her.

Xidelt-I completely agree!

I've always said there are two reasons people to go into counseling-type professions-- a sincere desire to help others or an unacknowledged desire to figure out what's wong with themselves.

My first program manager in mental health said "We have two types of patients, those that come in the front door and those that come in the back door." Back door were clearly some of the employees!

My is definitely the back door variety. He says that he knows what he should do but he is simply too weak to go through with it. He has been telling me since about a week into this relationship that he is really not into it. But at the time the ex wasnt ready to get together with him; now she is saying that if he is free she will be with him. Yes I think you're right he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Even said to me that if things don't work out with ex he cn always come back to this one!

How frequently asked me why he and I don't date since we're such good friends and get along so well. This is why. I would not put up with this crap. I think he stay friends with me because I am the only female that call him on stuff and doesn't let him get away with stuff. I call him on it every time, but will be there for him when he makes a mess of it all.

Have you asked him to think back about why the hot ex was an ex in the first place? If it were oh so wonderful wouldn't they still be together?
He sounds like a douche bag, honestly.

Of course he is breaking up with her because of all the reasons he is listing as reasons he says he is not. His hot ex-girlfriend obviously doesn't have those deficits or he wouldn't make the decision to choose her over current girlfriend so saying that he doesn't mind the long list of "deficits" and is just going back to an old girlfriend is simplistic. He's not very compatible with current girlfriend. That's okay. Better that she find out know rather than further into the relationship.

A little late here but you should tell him to break up with his current gf and NOT go back to his ex either.

Ex's are that way for reasons. Also, they didn't handle the break up well if they were still talking and keeping each other in reserve.

And as far as the nice versus hot idea. There are really nice hot and/or pretty girls also.

Oh. And you obviously like him.


And I am on the same page as Xidelt with this: I'm a guy and I am telling you that he is more acting like a douchebag. He is not keeping her because he is trying to make her happy. He is keeping her because she is fulfilling a lot of his needs. But honestly, she never got a fair chance because he has been still talking to his EX, even if you think she is beneath his level anyway.

Its hard to beat nostalgia.

My Music Therapy professor's theory was that almost EVERYONE who goes into a mental health field is a combination of wanting to figure out themselves AND because they've lived with whatever it is, they want to help other people figure themselves out too...

My dad met my mom while doing a graduate class in counseling. It's a good thing my dad never continued, because he would have been that GEICO(?) commercial with the drill sargent telling the guy on the couch to suck it up. Not everyone who WANTS to be a counselor would actually be good at it.