Big Sis Shows Obvious Favoritism
 

Hi all.
I'm having a problem with my big sister. She shows a lot favoritism towards her other littles (two besides myself-one from my pledge class, and one from our most recent pledge class). She invites them to parties, buys them letters (and other gifts), and is always inviting them to hang out with her. I like her, and have really made an effort to try and do stuff with her, but she never seems to treat me the same as her other littles. I have been in our sorority and I have had her as my big for over a year and she still seems like she prefers her other littles over me. Any advice? Or will I just have to keep putting up with being the least favorite little?
Thanks.

I can kind of relate to you. After big lil revealing and up to when I got initiated my big hanged out with me 0 times. My big did get me occasion presents...from a dollar store which she told me without any sense of guilt. When I tried to get her to hangout with me she's just too busy. I got my big a very nice present for my initiation/her birthday/Xmas present just because I wanted to be a good lil.

Then I just gave up on trying to do anything with my big anymore I told myself that when I pick up I'll do everything my big didn't do. She's getting better now she'll sometimes send my Facebook messages just to see if I was ok. But tbh, if you get neglected by your big, just don't try anymore wait for her to come around.

Unfortunately there's not much you can do. In my experience, while bigs and littles are more important during your new member period, the importance sometimes fades over time and that's OK. You should be able to make friends in your sorority on your own by now.

It sucks to be excluded but eventually you'll get your own little and will know what not to do.

I don't know why anyone should have a sense of guilt for getting you presents from the dollar store. The "presents" I still use as an alumna are the ones my sister-mother bought at the dollar store and plastered letters and symbols all over. This includes the much-coveted red, yellow, and green basket set that she got me for initiation. Seems every time I turned around someone was trying to make off with those from my room.

It doesn't seem like the faded thing applies if she's obviously different with the little who is in this girls pledge class.

I also see no issue with dollar store gifts, but I do think it is odd she would tell you as such.

Honestly, I can't remember ever hanging out with my sister-mother. When I pledged, she was engaged and worked evenings in a restaurant. We really had little in common, although we were friendly. However, I became very good friends with another sister who was in my chapter and a year older and I always hung out with her. I never thought too much of it because I had a lot of other members to do things.
I was closer with my sister-daughter, but that is because we really did have a lot in common.

Was yours a very large pledge class (i.e. larger than the active chapter itself) and girls had to take multiple littles? This is what they mean by growing pains.

It sucks, but it means you'll be a better big because you learned what it's like to have a crummy one.

I have this theory that some girls are naturally "bigs" and some girls are naturally "littles". My big and I have never been super close; we're definitely good friends and sisters but it doesn't really feel like what a big/little relationship should. I also have a "twin" from my pledge class as well and my big has a third little as well, and I've always felt like my big was closer to them than to me -- which is fine! I now have two littles (different pledge classes) and I am super close to both of them and they are super close with each other.

What I'm trying to say is some girls just naturally fall better into one of those roles. Natural "littles" prefer to have someone else take the lead, initiate things, etc. whereas natural "bigs" are the nurturing type who like to lead. I'm a natural "big" -- maybe you are too!

It seems in the years since I was a collegian, the importance of bigs/little (pledge moms and daughters back in my day) has gotten a little silly. Their role, as I see it, is to guide you through the pledging/initiation process and to help you build connections in the sorority. Some will be weepy best friends for the next 60 years, but a lot are just not that important.

And it sucks when your realize someone else is liked more than you (or perceived that way anyway), but the fact is you're going to have that happen throughout your life. She may not realize she's being insensitive and rude, but there's no conversation that includes anything like "why don't you like me more?" that's going to end well. Put your emotional eggs in some other sisters' baskets and try to be a better big when it's your turn.

Do you think there is a big difference between sorority bigs/littles and fraternity bigs/littles?

This!!! My big was this way...and that was fine. She did her job with me. I just wasn't that close to her. Even some people who were in the chapter with us now think that another member was my big because we were - and still are- so close. Even she thinks she was my big! Au contraire!

I just wouldn't worry about it. As long as you have good friends there among the other members, count your blessings!

Ehh, a lot of this seems similar to things we went through 25 years ago and not over the top to me. It depends a great deal on chapter size and campus culture.

Yes, but I'm too pressed for time to explain it right now :)

My sophomore year, I took two littles. One was 19 (the bar age in Champaign), and the other wasn't. I'm not gonna lie, post-initiation, I spent more time with the older one because we could go out together. The other one was closer to her own pledge sisters than to me, and ended up on exec, and really did a lot more for our chapter. I would say that, overall, she got a lot more out of her sorority experience.

Get over it.
 

To me, the Big Sis / Little Sis deal is primarily to give the new member a mentor during her new member period (read: pledgship). If after that, they continue to be BFFs, then great. If not, no biggie. No two people are ever going to have an "equal" friendship with an individual. That's human nature.

As I stated, the importance of big/little depends a great deal on chapter size and campus culture. If no one at your chapter/campus cared that much about bigs or littles or the relationship lasting, that's fine for you and your chapter/campus, but don't try to make it sound like it's something stupid everyone should blow off.

At any rate, it seems like the OP's big failed even in what you consider a big to be for - she was never a mentor to begin with.

My first little was a unique relationship. Her big sister had to withdraw from school unexpectedly just a week after Carla and her fellow pledges were pinned. The Pledge Educator decided she needed a new big and since there were two of us (me and a friend of mine from my own pledge class) who really wanted a little, we both got to be Carla's big. It was great! And as an added bonus, sharing a little made me grow closer to my co-big.