What to do?
 

Hey everyone so here is my story! I just went through rush and it definitely was an experience! I went through recruitment at a fairly competitive school but not as competitive as somewhere like Ole’ Miss. I was a sophomore transfer going through recruitment, so I was definitely aware of that disadvantage but there is an upperclassman quota and I met so many other sophomores going through recruitment as well so I wasn’t as concerned about that factor. The week went relatively well some minor disappointments but overall I really just enjoyed getting to meet so many great girls. I had full schedules everyday which was encouraging.

On pref night I had two sororities that I had loved and would be enthusiastic to receive a bid from and then one house that had nice girls but I just didn’t feel connected with (I had ranked them lowest the past two days but due to other sororities cutting me I kept coming back). They just didn’t seem like my kind of girls, I am more on the conservative side and do not like to party and this house was known as being the party house, which is fine but just not something I was interested being a part of. And I know some of you will probably say not every girl is going to be a party animal and I’m sure you could find someone who had the similar values as me, but besides that I just did not feel like my personality meshed well with theirs.

When it came time to ranking our choices I was torn about who to put first or second cause I really did love both groups and I knew I would be happy with either outcome. I had such great conversations in both of these houses and I knew mutual friends in both houses. I could tell one of the houses liked me (or at least acted to) a lot. I told them how they were my last house every day and the active I was talking to said she thought it was a sign. I asked if I could keep the notes they passed out on pref night and the active told me no, but I could get it when I came back tomorrow on bid day.

I put down both groups I loved and the group I was so-so about because we were told it is best to always maximize your options and they said 96% of girls get their first or second choice. So never in a million years did I think getting a spot in my third choice was going to happen to me.

I was so excited for bid day knowing I was about to find my place in an amazing sorority that would provide me with solid friendships that would last a lifetime. I got to bid day so excited to see where I had been placed. I opened my envelope and saw the color of the crest and was confused and thought maybe I was remembering the colors wrong. (silly me) I pulled the bid card all the way out of the envelope and I read that I have been invited to be a member of my third choice sorority. I immediately put the bid back in the envelope, confused and disappointed. As the other girls squealed with delight running to their groups I just stood there. I didn’t know what to do. I started crying. I have wanted this for so long and I couldn’t believe that this hadn’t worked out the way I expected. My rho gamma/rho chi/ gamma chi/ or whatever you want call it came over to me and asked me how I was doing. I told her what was going on and she said I should go to bid day and just give it a chance. I have wanted to be greek for so long and I figured I had come this far I decided to go. I felt bad because so many girls were excited on the bus and I almost felt guilty for not having that same enthusiasm. I would hate myself if I took someone else’s spot who wanted to be in this house that badly but didn’t get it because I was given a bid. I wanted to make the most of it, so I tried to pull myself together.

My bid day partner picked me up and could tell I had been crying and asked if I wanted to go upstairs to talk. We were in her room as I she asked what was wrong and I told her it was just an unexpected outcome and she said she understood that this sorority was not her first choice either. I asked her how long it took to feel comfortable and she said it took about a year for her and the only reason why she stuck it out was she too had always wanted to be greek. I continuously apologized for crying, I felt like such a brat for crying in their house, I seriously felt so awful. We went downstairs and I tried to make the most of it and get to know the girls but it just didn’t feel right. I eventually had her take me home because I just needed some time. She said she would definitely text me tomorrow to hang out and told her I really wanted to hang out and was looking forward to it (which was sincere, I really did want to hang out with some of the girls and give it a fair chance). The next day I didn’t get a text or anything which was a letdown.

I talked to my friend who is in one of the sororities that was in my top two and she said she was shocked when I wasn’t there on bid day. She thought I had preferenced someone else over her sorority. And she told me that she doesn’t understand how I got my third choice because they wanted me. ( I know that she could just be being nice). But she said there were five girls or so who they thought would be at their house on bid day (because her chapter wanted them) but ended up getting someone who they ranked lower. She said it must be a computer mistake or something (I know this is probably unlikely). But the chapter I did receive a bid from I know usually barely makes quota so she said maybe I was higher ranked on their bid list so I was placed there first? Not quite sure how accurate this is either. Just including it so you guys know all the information I have received.

Anyways I have been to a few meetings and hung out with different girls on separate occasions but it just doesn’t feel right. It feels so forced. They are very nice sweet girls but there just isn’t that spark or connection. And a majority does party/drink, so that’s something that separates us as well. I just wish it felt natural and was comfortable. I just don’t think it should be this forced. I just don’t know what to do.


At this point I’m not sure if I should just depledge and find a different way to get involved on campus or keep giving it time or if I should depledge and rush next year (as a junior). Opinions/Adviceare much appreciated! (Please try not to be extremely rude, there’s a difference between being brutally honest and being brutal)

I know this is long, and I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read it and give feedback!

I opt for Option D, none of the above. Go read some of the recently bumped threads. Give your group a longer chance and see how it goes. Talk about your concerns to your sorority mentor (if you have one) and the new member educator. And remember - you are going to get out of your experience what you put into it. You still sound bitter that you didn't get #1 or #2. You were not high enough on their bid lists to receive a bid. There is no computer mistake. #3 wanted you though, and that should say something. Find the girls who don't go out and party and attempt to bond with them. If it doesn't get any better before you initiate, then de-pledge. At least then you gave it a fair shot. Keep in mind though that if you do de-pledge and decide to rush as a junior, you will have to go through all of the rounds with the house you dropped from, AND the other groups will know that you pledged and then dropped out. Not to mention your class status will put you at a bigger disadvantage.

My sister Irish Lake is being very kind and tactful. I don't particularly feel either of those things right now, since this is the 2nd practically identical crappy, whiny story tonight.

Here is the truth that Irish is far too nice to say: If you depledge your sorority, please FORGET about ever being Greek. Do not bother going through rush again next year. You WILL get "the phone call" if you try again. The chances of getting a bid anywhere are incredibly close to zero. Just put that into your thoughts when you make your decision.

Mm, here's something else to consider -

Even if you don't mesh 100% with the active sisters now, that's not to say you won't get along well with the other members of your pledge class, or of pledge classes that come after you! The addition of a new group of girls, even a small group, can change the chapter's dynamic, and you may find that there are or will be other girls in your situation. Get to know them! Even if they do party, you may find things to love about them. You were all brought in on this together, so the chapter's seen things in your entire pledge class as a whole that they loved and wanted in their lives. You all have a lot of potential to offer each other, don't squander it!

Or, alternatively, give going out every so often a chance. I'm not saying that you should go get raging drunk, but tagging along can be a ton of fun even if you don't drink. I don't drink and I'm super-shy, and I love going out with my sisters from time to time. Yes, the older ones drink, but there are actually quite a few of us who go out and don't drink, and getting out of the house is a really great way to come out of your shell and meet a ton of fun, interesting people that you might not get the chance to see otherwise. I'm not saying you have to go out every night, either - but occasionally, it can be a great way to relax, unwind, and try new things. Your sisters will understand if you just want a quiet night in sometimes, too.

Honestly, because of your class standing, I'm inclined to agree with thetalady regarding your chances of re-rushing and getting a bid. Juniors do get bids occasionally, and I can't claim to know the ins and outs of your campus, but that occasionally is generally when they're rushing for the first time. I can honestly say that I've never seen someone get a bid, depledge, re-rush as a junior and get a bid to a house they liked "better." It tends to just end in tears for everyone involved.

If, by the time it's initiation for you, you really don't want to go through with it, and you think you can be happy without the sisterhood - don't initiate. Don't make yourself miserable. But honestly give it a chance and don't dwell on the other two houses, which is what it sounds like you're doing a lot. It's not fair to yourself or to the women who wanted you to be their sister. If you keep thinking about what could have been or keep staying hung-up on the differences between you and your sisters rather than your similarities, you're never going to notice the amazing things that are right in front of you. What you put into sorority life is what you get out of it, so please do give it your all before deciding that this sisterhood is not for you and that you don't want to be a part of it!

And by give it your all I really do mean that - sorry to be blunt, but don't half-ass it. I've seen girls who show up occasionally to meetings but never do anything else, and spend all their time with other people, and then depledge because they didn't feel they were a "good fit" with the chapter. I can't say that this is your situation, but they had similar mindsets as you, so be sure you're actually giving your sisters a chance before doing this. It will be downright difficult if not flat-out impossible to get involved in a sisterhood again if you end up regretting your decision. It's not something you should decide to do lightly.

ETA: ...and once again, what I meant to be a short reply turned out to be rather tl;dr...

#1 - bring your own fun
#2 - there are no unicorns pooping rainbows, so get over it.
#3 - rush is fake. It is just about the worst way in the world to make friends, but it is the system we're stuck with. You made judgements about a house when your total talk time with them was approximately 1 1/2 hours. If you're on the campus I think you're on, we're talking a chapter size of well over 100 women, and you're basing the decision that will affect friendships for the entire rest of your life on a rumor? I hate to tell you, but academic standards are too high for any party girl rumors to be very true. At best they are really fun which translates poorly when repeated, particularly through jealousy by the originator, and at worst there are a couple girls who slept with the wrong guys. And I hate to tell you but every chapter house has their share of girls who sow their wild oats while in college. My chapter was practically a convent and we still had girls who slept with any and every guy she could. And if you're talking drugs or alcohol, refer to the above. Even the most lily white of sororities will have girls who develop problems with these things when gaining their freedom from Mom and Dad.
#4 - if you're going to be all pouty with your new sisters and expect them to beg you to stick around, you are sorely mistaken. Refer to #1.

Always begs repeating. And, stands true for any group you join.

And, friendships aren't just formed during college. I was only close with two SAI sisters during my collegiate days, but my alumnae chapter, as a whole is very close. I have an immediate connection with any sisters I meet now. Had I depledged (because my pledging was difficult) or resigned my membership (because my chapter was struggling) I wouldn't have the connection with so many fantastic women all over the world.

Here's a great quote to consider:

"When a door closes, don't spend too much time facing backwards pondering it or you won't see the one that opens and leads you further on your journey."

The time you spent crafting this message and poll could have been spent learning about your new sorority and finding things to love about it. I think that you are so overwhelmed by not getting your first two choices, that you can't see the opportunity ahead of you.

If the only issue is partying, and you said that most of the girls do, don't forget that next year, 25% of the sorority will leave and new girls will come in. You will have a say in who gets a bid this year.

If you really don't like it, don't spend another minute crying to the women who CHOSE YOU that you are so unhappy. Either leave, or take a step out of your own ego and see your sorority with new eyes.

Your friend who is in the sorority who said "they" wanted you, there must have been a computer error, etc - she is either lying and being nice, or is not clued in about how bid matching works. At any rate, it's HIGHLY inappropriate for her to divulge (or fake-divulge) anything that went on in her sorority's membership selection process.

Give your present group a chance. It is the last chance you have to be Greek.

I also pick D, none of the above. Finish pledging, but if you still aren't feeling it - either because you can't find the strength within you to try, or if you truly HAVE tried and still don't feel it - don't initiate. But be honset with yourself as to which you are doing.

I'll second this.

crosscaravan - I'm starting a word document with your posts, that's how much I like what you have to say. Wow. You really nail it, a lot of the time. Are you in my chapter? ;)

I totally agree with everything that everyone else has posted in this thread. +1 to everyone.

OP, it's like Abraham Lincoln said: most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Last night I went to see Happy:The Movie. I highly recommend it to you and to everyone else, for that matter. It confirmed what I already suspected; I'm just prewired for happiness (I have a great happiness set point, got lucky, doesn't take a lot for me to feel happy!). Only about 10% of extrinsic factors account for happiness. The other 90% is all intrinsic.

So, go ahead and focus on the 10% and be miserable. Or not. It's totally up to you. Totally. You're not being held hostage in that sorority. You really aren't.

Haven't thought about it before, but this is spot on! Count me in on bringing my own happiness. I'm also a fan of crosscaravan! I nominate her for best new poster.

To the OP, there are so many wonderful things about sorority membership that go beyond the warm and fuzzies. You throw that all away if you keep focusing on your negativity. You first need to accept the fact that your other groups may have wanted you but not enough to give you a bid before the girls in their pledge classes. Your sorority wants you and if you give them a chance, you COULD have the best experience of your life, open up opportunities you never imagined, build leadership skills and become part of a sisterhood. That's a pretty good deal. Try giving it a real chance (without the judgements of "it doesn't feel right. It just feels so forced." because you know that you're busy comparing and thinking what if!)

Aww, thank you, both of you! I'm flattered. :)

I don't go to school in Arizona at all, unfortunately. I almost ended up going to UofA with a friend of mine, though!

I agree with both of you about bringing your own happiness. We can't change the things that happen around us, but what we are in control of is how we react to them. And as cliché as this sounds - every cloud has a silver lining, and everything happens for a reason. Roll with the punches and you'll be just fine.

I seem to remember a song about a door closing so you can open one that leads to the perfect road... Uh... Brb, Googling...

ETA: ...DUH. Firework by Katy Perry. Wow, I don't function well on three hours of sleep. Anyway, what I meant by this is that maybe you feel like you're missing out by being a part of a group you didn't necessarily see yourself in, but this could be a blessing in disguise if you go with it and do your best! So don't just shut yourself away blah blah insert a standard cheery peptalk here, I need to get ready for work.

^^^ well, southwestern is southwestern. Sounds like you need to plan a Road Trip (or AOII Angel & I do!). Keep it up, except for the Katy Perry part (I'll pm you about that). Whichever chapter landed you is Lucky, IMO.

Ditto!