I'm thinking about dropping out of my sorority
 

Hi,

I just finished my first year in college and I got initiated into a sorority last semester. I've always romanticized about being in a sorority, so it's really difficult to admit that I'm thinking about dropping out.

Anyways, at one of my first exchanges, I was sexually assaulted. I kept this secret at first and I wanted to forget about it, so I just stayed away from the sorority for a while. Since I was a pledge, a lot of girls saw me as non-committed and anti-social because I kind of shut down after the exchange and I didn't talk much. So the semester just ended and I can't say I know a single girl that well.

The problem is that after the assault, a lot of people spread rumors about me and many girls in the house think I'm a slut (some girls assume my behavior at that exchange was consensual. But to be honest, I believe I was roofied since a lot of guys shut me up in a room and forced me to drink a lot of alcohol). I told the new member educator about the incident, and all she said was, "is there any advice you can give me so an incident like this doesn't occur with future pledges?"

I don't know what I was expecting, but no one in the sorority tried to look out for me or even tried to comfort me afterward. I've spent more time speaking to psychologists since that exchange than my own sisters. I feel like no one in the house likes me, and as much as I try to start over, a lot of girls will just talk over me and ignore me.

I don't really know what to do because all I really wanted was a close-knit group of friends--I wanted sisters--but I feel like I don't belong.

First piece of advice: continue speaking to your psychologist. Something such as sexual assault is very tough to go through, and most people don't quite have the ability to talk it through with you properly. That's why they exist in the first place.

I'd also suggest that you talk with someone higher up in your sorority -- perhaps, the president. Based on your description, it seems like most people in your sorority don't truly understand what you're going through, and your new member educator, who probably handled such an incident before, doesn't know the proper way to handle the situation.

As for having a close group of friends: the bonding is not magic; you have to make it happen. Your sorority only provides a framework that strongly facilitates the bonding, but at the very end, making true friends is still a mutual process that requires effort on all parties.

It's really regrettable that you had to face such an incident, and more so that your sisters weren't able to provide the level of support you expect when you needed them. However, I will leave you with one last question to ask yourself: will you actually be in a better position if you dropped?

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. You've missed the most important thing - tell Student Affairs and the Greek Life Office. This fraternity needs to be investigated. There are proper university regulations to be followed.

This situation makes my heart so heavy. I'm deeply sorry that you have been suffering and haven't gotten the support you need.

OP, does your sorority have an advisory board? I know that for some members, it's easier to talk with a trusted AB member. As an advisor, I attempt to be as accessible and as approachable as possible. In some situations, it has been me that members come to with difficult situations. I'm grateful for that trust and encourage you to reach out to a board member if that feels comfortable.

No, the most important thing is to take care of herself, and thankfully she sought professional help. Whether she reports this is her choice. I think she should, but would understand if she didn't want to.

OP, I am sorry that this happened to you, and sorry that your sisters failed to give you the support that you need. It's a shame your new member educator and some members of your chapter seemed insensitive, but most people are not equipped to handle such situations. There are a lot of pervasive misconceptions about sexual assault; people who haven't been personally touched by it may not understand. They're probably not huge meanies. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.

Sorority-wise, because you were initiated, the sorority you are in is the only chance you have to be Greek (assuming you are in an NPC sorority---which I gather from your terminology---and want the NPC experience). If you really want to try to have a good experience, I would encourage you to reach out to any allies you have in the chapter. Explain what happened, if it would make you feel better. Your big? Anyone from your new member class? Regardless of the reason you feel disconnected, you do have the ability (and responsibility) to reach out. AzTheta's idea of reaching out to an advisor could also be a good idea.

Also, remember that your chapter will have a new new member class each year you stick around. These are not the only women that will ever be in your chapter. The next NM class might help you start over, but you have to reach out!