Dating dilemma/question
 

I have a question and a slight dilemma, and I'm hoping y'all can kind of guide me in the right direction. I met this fine man about a month ago and so far we've gone out every week for the past three weeks. We seem to have great conversation, he seems to be real cool, he's educated, and so far everything seems to be going really well. The only problem I have with him is he's more like "almost Mr. Right. There are some things about him that bother me a little, but most of those things I can live with. Nobody is perfect, but based on some of the things we talked about and his past relationships, he doesn't seem like he's ready for a commitment. But then on the other hand he comes off like he wants a serious long-term relationship. He just seems to be afraid of commitment for some odd reason. Have any of you ever dated someone your were really physically attracted to, who was cool, but there was something that you really didn't trust? How did you know this person wasn't right for you? How do I know this man isn't right for me? Should I keep dating him? I don't want to waste my time if he isn't good for me, but at the same time I don't want to lose somebody who could have been the right man for me. Thanks in advance for your advice.

-Sonja

You don't have to take my advice, but when you consider him "Mr. Almost Right" then, that (to me) sounds like you're dating on potential, if anything --meaning liking him for who you wish he could be rather than for who he actually is. Maybe you might want to hang out with him a little longer (as a friend), to see if he's a man of good character.

Good luck with that.

To piggyback on this comment and what I said in another thread.

Women marry men expecting them to change and they don't.

Men marry women expecting them not to change and they do.

Like I said in the other thread, more humorous than anything else, but there are two types of potential, there is the I see the greatness in you potential (Goals, life aspirations) that you should take a chance on because sometimes people need that outside influence to bring the best out...and there is the I think he will make a great boyfriend, husband, etc, if only he would stop being a playa (personality) which never changes based on the outside influences of another person. That person has to make a conscious decision. Don't confuse the two and you will be fine.

If a man WAS talking about commitment after not even a month, I'd run fast and far.

People just want to take things too quickly these days. Just keep the relationship semi casual (i.e. don't sleep with him) and give it a little time, and don't over analyze everything he says.

On the other hand, if he seems actually untrustworthy (i.e. you think he's lying about things) then that's another matter.

What do you mean by "seems like" and "comes off like?" Is he saying that he's not interested in a serious/long-term relationship? If he is, believe him. Don't bet on him feeling or acting differently with time. There's no need to rush things, but if you know that what you eventually want is a commitment and he isn't making the same plans, that isn't the kind of factor I'd settle on.

I'd suggest dating a few more guys to see how you feel. It's easy to think a guy's the only game in town when he's the only one you're going on dates with.

This is SO not a date, yet. I mean, I wouldn't call it a date because nothing has been carved in stone. This is more like you going out to see if you like each other, nothing more, nothing less. You have way too much data to collect before you even decide if you like him. What you see is not necessarily what you get, so leave your heart at home. It's way too early.

That. Allat. My red flag was "something you don't trust about him" but I'd have to know more about what the OP meant by that.



If you're getting vibes that he's not ready for a commit yet down for a long-term relationship, then maybe you should ask (yourself) if you're sensing that he's not ready for a commitment or just not ready to commit to you. The former talks about where he is in life and it may not be where you are (or it might be--have you asked yourself if you really want and are ready for a commitment right now?). The latter, however, would be right on par with where you guys are--3 weeks is way early for a commitment IMO and he may just be showing you he knows that. If you wanna know where his head is at, ask him what he thinks about relationships and what he's looking for. This is WAY different than "How do you feel about me?" or "Where do you see us going?" I wouldn't touch those with a 10 foot pole. But I think it's perfectly acceptable to talk about what he thinks a relationship is, what does he value in one, etc. Even as just a friend, it's good to know that because not all relationships are romantic. You two are getting to know each other so get his views on friendships and family, too.