LOVE and SEX: Men vs. Women
 

On Iyanla's show the other day, I heard something that really made me think, so I wanted to get your opinions about it. Regarding the issue of how men and women view love, the following was said:

"Women dangle SEX for LOVE and Men dangle LOVE for SEX."

Do you think this statement is true? Explain.


And I'm Out!

I think that immature minds will use love/sex for their own good. It's funny because when I hear of women saying 'he is cut off for a while cuz' I'm p*&sed with him'. I'm thinking to myself, 'dang why are you punishing yourself as well for something he did!'

Back to the topic... I think that that statement is true and the unfortunate part of the scenario is that both parties are playing themselves out. It's really redundant to me. How can you put a price tag on love or sex for that matter? The person who buys into that is only receiving false emotions.

I received this email today from a male friend and it somewhat ties into inital topic. What do you all think about the relationsip/marriage perspective from a male's point of view?

MEN & MARRIAGE: Don't Fool Yourself, It's Not That
Complicated

Well, last week we threw a bachelor party for one of our good friends. On Saturday afternoon, we stood beside him in our tuxes while he and his fiance' said their vows. As I stood up there looking across the crowd, I decided that our next topic on this page would definitely talk about marriage. I also realized that alot of women may not want to hear the truth about men and marriage because the truth is so simple that they could not
accept it without questioning their own relationship.
But I am here to tell you-DON'T FOOL YOURSELF, IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED. The sad thing about it is that it took a woman to bring it to my attention. I had a close friend of mine tell me that she was persuing a stable man with a girlfriend. When I asked her did she feel wrong about that she said "$hit, a girlfriend ain't nothin'-girlfriends come and go. If the man is established and he isn't either married or engaged, then he is not that serious about her and he is fair game. " I thought about this for a minute and came to a cold conclusion: IF A MAN IS STABLE IN LIFE AND HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP AND NOT MARRIED, THEN IT IS BECAUSE HE IS NOT SURE ABOUT THE WOMAN THAT HE IS WITH. He is not willing to commit to her and constantly has his eye open for something better or is waiting for her to become something better. Point blank. When he finds a woman that he is satisfied with, he will make her his wife. And ladies, sorry to tell some of you, but it doesn't take 4 or 5 years for that man to figure it out. It doesn't take 2 or 3 years either. The only reason that a man will get married after that long of a time is because he's tired of looking for something better. And trust me, that's definately what he was doing all of those years. So if you should happen to find yourself in one of those "long term" relationships then maybe you should step back, take a look at yourself and wonder what it is that you're missing that this man is not willing to fully commit. Don't make excuses to yourself and your girlfriends saying things like "Oh he's waiting 'til he gets a better job" or "he's waiting to finish school" or "he's waiting until he moves from his apartment to a house". DON'T FOOL YOURSELF, IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED. Which one of those things can't be done with a wife or fiance' by your side? So ladies, when you read this think about your situation and that man that you are living with. Or the one that you spend many nights over his house or him over yours. Think about your baby's father that you are still in a sexual relationship with. Think about your "ex" that you are in a sexual relationship with. Think about your "boyfriend". And definately think twice before you brag on a relationship that's a couple of years long and you still have no commitment. Like I've said before, I'm a man and I know the situation. I've been there and I know that we can come up with some extremely reasonable excuses, but....DON'T FOOL YOURSELF, IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.

Tougher Question
 

Someone told me this I want to see what the Ladies think

"When it comes to marriage women are more driven to the day of the wedding where as men, when selecting a woman, think of all the days after marriage"

Sphinxpoet

I feel you Total Elegance!!!!
 

Soror 411, I feel you with that statement on how men and women view love. It's sad, but true. I have been in that situation, and it's sad to say that I have played both sides of that coin. I think it is because most women hope that by having sex with a man, she will win him over. Women tend to think more long term, but men seem to be all about the moment. They aren't trying to think about the next day, or next week or next month. They know what they want in the present, the future will come later when in comes to women and sex. That's just my opinion.

But Total Elegance, I feel you on your point about men and marriage. In fact, my boyfriend just proposed to me three weeks ago. We've known each other for about a year and a half and have been serious for about 6 months now. But only after being committed for a few months, he began talking about marriage. He once told me early on in our relationship that he has never fully trusted any woman - he's had a great deal of trust in past girlfriends, but never a blind trust. And whenever he found a woman he could blindly trust - that woman would be his wife. And that's going to be me pretty soon :D But yeah, I just wanted to say I can see where you are coming from with that.

Just my $19.13 cents worth.


Alexis
#1 Braveheart
Rho Iota, Spring 2001

I 100% agree with that particular e-mail. I am actually in that situation now and can TRULY see the validity of what is being said. I think that I continue to use the same lame azz excuses about maybe he has to complete x,y,z before he can commit or he's been seriously injured in a previous relationship. That's pure CRAP! Believe you me I'm not on a bandwagon to get married (been there done that); however, after spending 2 1/2 years with someone and there isn't a set goal or plan in mind-- you've got to be real with what you're dealing with! I've got to go back to school because I've truly missed some lessons in the past and am continuing to revisit them now in the present. Okay, why am I venting on GC! :mad: :D

As far as the "guy needing to complete x,y,z" before committing stuff. I used to have your view with that, figuring if a guy would care enough, he wouldn't need anything else. Then i realized, thats b.s. If a guy, or girl, wants to have certain experiences and he or she settles down before having those experiences, 9 times out of 10, the want for the experience may come back. I'm already seeing this with one of my brothers, he got marred, regrets that he didn't mess around more in college, so he's doing that now, behind his wife's back. Now, that's f*$*^d for sure, but I saw that coming a mile a way the day he got married. So, it isn't always b.s. when a guy says he needs to clear up his mind by having experiences. In regards to the post topic, I am in 100% agreement with the fact that women dangle sex for love while men dangle love for sex. I'll quote another one of my fraternity brothers when he said "Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships." It seemed funny at the time, but is in reality kind of sad. Women do seem to need the affection part while men (some of em) can do without the love as long as they can wake up next to something warm and cuddly. This isn't true with all guys, but isn't a hard situation to encounter.

In regards to your comment, I support 100% the urge for everyone to sow their wild oats before committing to someone. I think that the pursuit of sowing wild oats after marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce. On the flip side of that, there are men who will never sow enough wild oats and will continue to pursue tail for life without the desire to truly settle down.

However, I wasn't referring to that particular desire. Maybe I didn't make myself clear. Specifically, I was referring to excuses such as: " I need to be making this set amount of money before committing or I need to complete career-oriented goals before committing." I can understand those reasons; however, I don't agree with them. My reality is that, hopefully, I will walk along with my mate as he is striving to achieve certain goals. He doesn't necessarily have to achieve them prior to me committing to him. It's more important to me that he has those goals in mind. I think that my dilemma along with other women is the power of DISCERNMENT. I have problems seeing chit for what it really is. Therefore, I constantly visiting the School of Hard Knocks when it comes to relations with men.

TTT. . . as we continue examining relationships

I think it is all a product of socialiation. Men are socialized to see sex as a CONQUEST more than a COMMITTMENT. It has been reduced to a bragging right for most men. For women, sex is more of an emotional bond. To really see this illustrated examine homosexual relationships. I have friends who are gay (male and female) and their relationship dynamic is WAAAAAAAAAAAY different.