Finding your place
 

My daughter is three weeks into her freshman year at a large university. She has pledged a sorority and has 51 in her pledge class. She is really struggling in finding her place at the university. She just can't find the group where she feels comfortable. I know three weeks is early to feel setteled, but I would love to hear any suggestions to help her. Thanks

Probably the best thing she could do is to try her hardest not to prejudge her fellow pledge sisters. I know that when I am introduced into new groups, very early on I find myself deciding that there are certain people I'm likely to get along with and certain people I'm not likely to get along with, and it influences my behavior. She may feel out of place because she feels like the other girls are already settling into cliques, and none of these seems to suit her. This happens with new members especially over behaviors like drinking and staying out very late and that sort of thing.

It is worth reminding her that she should give each pledge and sister a chance, individually, to see if she clicks with any of them. That means sitting with different girls at lunch, going out with different groups of girls, and trying out behaviors like Facebooking and TV nights that might not be her usual thing. It is hard, but each and every time she tries something new, the next time will be a little easier. If there are about 150-200 girls in her sorority, it would be difficult if she didn't click with at least some of them!

She also should try to get involved in a medium-to-small sized campus organization, perhaps based on her intended major, extracurricular interests, or faith. These things need not conflict too much with the demands of the new member period for her sorority.

Just let her know it's normal, and it's ok. Not only is she adjusting to her life completely changing (new school, new friends, new teachers, new classes, etc) she's having to get used to being in a sorority house. She'll find her place, and hopefully it is in the house, and eslewhere on campus (other student clubs, within her major, with a campus job, etc). It takes time, and she's got 4 years of it. No rush to feel "fit in" right now.

Oh man, I was totally in that boat during my pledge semester. What I realized was that I was sitting around in my dorm room complaining about how I didn't click with my pledge sisters instead of getting out and meeting them. Make sure she is going to all the different activities.

Also, if she is only three weeks in she may not have gotten a big yet. While sometimes big and littles do not form very close relationships, my big was awesome in getting me involved. She would introduce me to the older members, encourage me to show up to the intramurals, etc.

I also second what somebody said about getting to know the pledge sisters individually. Sometimes it can be so intimidating, for example, going to a 10 person dinner where the other 9 are already very close. But if she gets to know members one-on-one, she'll grow to feel like she fits in more during the big outings.

Good luck to your daughter! Freshman year can be tough and alienating, but hopefully she will pull through and start thriving!

Tell her she should be happy that it's not a 75-80 lady pledge class.

Is she struggling to find a place at the university or in her chapter? I think others have provided sound advice on what to do within her sorority. First off, tell her she is so fortunate. Are any of her pledgeclass or actives in her classes? How about meeting them for coffee or to study? I used to meet a couple of my sisters (both in my pledge class and actives) at the bagel shop to study mid-morning. We all had a 2 hour break between classes and it gave us a chance to be productive AND get to know one another.

If the question is at the university? What are her interests? If it's a large university, there are most likely several hundred organization with which she could be involved.

This is a really normal thing at UW. I was terrified for the first two months that I would never ever feel at home in Madison. Now, I'm almost done and I don't want to leave.

My advice:

* Tell her to try and bond with the girls in her house, if she's in the dorms. I loved being able to come back to my room and just have other girls pop in and out. It made my dorm feel like a home, rather than a room.

* We have an insane number of student organizations here. I hope she went to the Info Fair and the Kohl Center last week. If not, tell her to go to http://cfli.wisc.edu/ and just browse through the hundreds of student groups. She should be able to find a small one that fits her perfectly.

* The Greek Community here also has a lot of opportunities to get involved and she should take advantage of those.

* Finally, she should just give it time. It won't happen overnight. As she gets used to her new chapter, it will ground her at UW. (At least, that's what happened to me. It took a while- I didn't really feel at home in my chapter until second semester, but once I did, I felt very at home here!) She'll make friends who will become just like family to her- both in and out of her chapter.

I wish her luck and you can PM me if you have any other questions.

I don't think this is a good idea for a new member so early in her new member period. She should be investing that time into her sorority building relationships. Seeking out relationships and meeting her sisters could help her get "settled."

Perhaps next semester, if she's still feeling out of place, she could seek out a smaller organization on campus. In a large university, it can be tough to find your niche. Best wishes to your daughter!

Just my two cents...

This can be SUCH a good way to get involved. We had a girl who pledged a couple years after I did who was so shy as soon as recruitment ended. We were so confused because she had been so outgoing in rush. She literally did not have a single friend in the house and I always felt bad for her because she was always struggling to find a group to go out with before invites, a table to sit at dinners, etc. I am not exaggerating when I say that she had no connections even within her own pledge class, but everybody thought she was nice (no animosity towards her).

It wasn't until late in her sophomore year (my senior year) when she decided to work on a dance for a fraternity philanthropy...she was a very good dancer. Literally after only working on this dance for a week she had befriended every single other sister in the dance. This was great because it was a whole range of girls in terms of class, friend groups etc. Now she loves the sorority and always has a good friend at every event and never feels out of place. It's incredible that one simple week changed the entire experience for her.

I disagree with you. If someone wants to be involved in an activity that is not sorority based, they shouldn't wait because they are in a sorority. It is normal and healthy to *gasp* do things outside the Greek system. As a new member there are plenty of activities with the group, and having friends outside the chapter is not something that should wait a semester. I'd never put my faith on hold for my sorority, nor would my sisters ask me to.

Why separate the sorority and non-sorority activities? In such a large chapter, she will most likely be able to find sisters with similar majors/interests/faiths and she can get involved in other organizations with sisters. Some groups of my sisters go to Mass or Temple together. Some of my sisters are involved in the same dance organization. Another group is invovled in the business fraternity together. She can also study with sisters taking the same classes.

I'm not saying there should be a separation, I was pointing out that there shouldn't be a reason to wait a whole semester to do anything non sorority related (I quoted someone who quoted someone). At my school I only had one sister in my faith group, ever, but I am the type of personality to do whatever I want anyway. I didn't know a soul when I went to college, and jumped right in.

I realize now the person I quoted is not a sorority member, so their advice however well intentioned, may not be realistic about involvement and sorority activities. I am not a fan of ALL SORORITY AND GREEK SYSTEM ALL THE TIME OMFG!!111!!! and really treasure and enjoy my friends and activities where I met people outside the system (or outside the NPC/IFC systems).

My daughter also is a new pledge in a pledge class of 51 girls. Back in the olden days when I pledged (different sorority) there were 7 of us. The sorority made us do EVERYTHING togeher during our pledge period. We had scavenger hunts, parties, lunches, etc. The actives also took us to fraternities and introduced us and showed us off. As a result we became very close and remained close even after college. But, my daughter hasn't even met all the girls in her pledge class. In fact, I told her there were 51 girls (read it in GC). She didn't even know how many girls were in her class. It has now been about 3 weeks and she has still only met a few of them. She meets a few more each week but after all the passion and excitement of recruitment this seems so anticlimatic. Don't sororities have structured pledge activities anymore so that the pledge sisters can bond with each and get to know the actives. Don't they still set up mixers with the fraternities to "show off" their new girls? My daughter iikes her new sorority but her experience is so far from mine. Am I hopelessly outdated or is this just how things work at large southern sororities? (I went to a northern school and my sorority was about 1/3 the size of hers)

That is my point. I'm not saying that someone who is in a sorority should not be involved in things outside of her organization. I'm saying that she should spend her new member period building relationships with her pledge class and other members. Get involved on a project within the sorority, go to events with the other girls, etc.

I think it would be foolish to limit your friends to those who are in the same sorority or even in the Greek system. I also think it would be foolish to not get involved somewhere on campus.

How do you know if your niche is not in your sorority if you don't take the time to look for it?

I am pledging an organization this semester and I am dedicating my time and effort to make sure that I meet everyone in my org and get to know the brothers. I don't want to be busy doing other things when I could spend that time getting to know the brothers and other pledges. I realize this is a life long commitment and my suggestion encourages the OP's daughter to get to know the ladies she may be calling sister.