AS THE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TURNS -- A CHUCK NORRIS SPINOFF
 

This thread starts where the real Chuck Norris thread left off. Since we all want to hear more about Chuck Norris and his Tri-Delt chapter, here goes.

WHO: Chuck Norris, the Tri-Delts, Mike Huckabee and his wife, assorted PNMs, politicians, and celebrities. Guest appearances by random GCers.

WHAT: More Chuck Norris-style insanity.

WHEN: Present day Texas.

WHERE: An average DDD chapter house, somewhere deep in the heart of Texas.

WHY: Because despite our best efforts, the real Chuck Norris has not yet returned to entertain us all.

HOW: I'm going to write this, but I need all the help that I can get. Everybody join in.

Stay tuned for............................................... ..


AS THE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TURNS
episode #1: BACK AFTER SUMMER BREAK

Seriously?? Believe me not everyone wants another Chuck Norris recruitment thread.

YAY! Something else to distract us from the real world. I can't wait!

I love the Chuck Norris thread. Chuck will definitely be offended that you are not impressed with his greatness.

Ok, if we must write something about Chuck Norris and Tri Delta, can we at least not hyphenate Tri Delta? There is no hyphen.

Thanks. Enjoy your thread.

I am very much impressed by Chuck's greatness. That is why I'm writing it.

Chuck...... you still have time to stop me.

Interesting . . . a thread held hostage.

See? It's a very Chuck-like thread already!

Chuck will officially endorse this spinoff authored by barbino. Chuck apologizes profusely that his temporary absence from GC has caused such heartache. Threads take time to be written well and his last memoir was possible due to his then-illness and time off of work. The flu season will soon be looming, so perhaps another Chuck-authored thread will be possible then ;-)

Chuck also extends his most sympathetic regrets to epchick that she apparently has no sense of humor. Chuck also extends his most sympathetic regrets that he gave her a roundhouse kick to the floor and then subsequently body slammed her for her anti-Chuck libel. Once she regains consciousness, maybe she'll realize that she should keep such negative thoughts relegated to PMs to the other player haters or risk the full wrath of Chuck coming down on her.

Bowing and Scraping...

Chuck, we are not worthy! We are not worthy!

Chuck,

I am honored to be authorized by you to write the sequel to your Chuck Norris thread. Thank you for passing on my exact sentiments to epchick, also. I will try to have my thread project both you and the DDD's in a very positive light. Also, my authorship (like yours) is due to the fact that I recently had eye surgery and have been unable to work for a few weeks (I am writing this with one eye shut). This might be used as a subbplot, but I don't want to give too much away. Good to hear from you again - I never lost hope that you'd return to amuse us.
GC love, :)

Welcome back Chuck! I look forward to your sequels and hope that barbino pleases you with her spinoffs.

Truly Yours,

your sister Jimmy Choo

I heart Chuck!
 

-Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

-There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

-There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

-Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

-The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

-Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

-Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

-Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

-Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

-Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

-The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

-Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

-Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

-If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

-Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

-CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

-Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

-What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

-Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

-Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

-A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

-Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

-Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

-If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

-Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

-Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

-The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

-Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

-Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

-Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

-Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

-Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

-Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

-Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

-Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

-The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

-Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

-When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

-There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

-Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

-Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

Yayyy I'm so excited!!!

Oh Honeychile! I think you must be related to Chuck...:)

I should be so honored! ;)

TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN EXCEPT CHUCK NORRIS
 

This would not be a thread about Chuck Norris if you did not have to wait for it to come to you. As Honeychile stated,

TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN EXCEPT FOR CHUCK NORRIS!!!!

Hey, we will gladly wait. I am pretty sure Chuck is busy using his brute strength to literally pull Russia closer to Alaska so Sarah Palin can do more than just "see it from her house." :)

episode #1
 

Chuck, having been elected Rush Chairman for his Tridelt chapter, returns to the house a few days before everybody else, along with the Exec Board.

Chuck has spent all summer preparing for this. He even went furniture shopping during the special Delta Force Convention (which was held in North Carolina) so that he could personally decorate the houseparent suite for his friends - the new houseparents, Mike Huckabee and his wife. After losing the Republican nomination to McCain, Huckabee was not sure just what to do. Chuck wanted his buddy by him (Besides, Huckabee is really used to Chuck being right by him by now) so the Tridelts just moved their old housemother to another chapter. Here is the scene:

Chuck: "Here's the suite--I supervised the decorating myself."
The Huckabees: No response ---they are speechless.
Mrs. Huckabee: "But -- it's almost entirely black!"
Chuck: "Well, the linens are white."
Mike Huckabee: "Uh, Chuck -- All that black it just seems - evil. I just don't know if we can stay here with all that black in the room." Mrs. Huckabee raises her eyes to heaven and starts praying.
Chuck: "I tried to interject some color --Look at the fish aquarium. Live Beta fish. But I have an idea. Since I'm good at everything, I thought I'd be good at decorating, too. Maybe NOT."

Chuck gets on his phone-- "Uh, Nate. It's Chuck. I have a problem."
Faster than you can say "Move that Bus!" Nate is there, assessing the situation. "Black & White Toile from Scalamandre-I can see it now-- throw rugs over that black carpeting--a different paint color--awesome chandeliers, white eyelet and yellow accents." Suddenly Nate is off scampering around the entire house, making plans. "Redoing an entire sorority house! Chuck! I haven't had this much fun since grad school. And we'll film it for Oprah & she'll pick up the entire tab. OMG! I can see it now. How much time do we have? I have to call Lowes." Chuck smiles his knowing smile. This ought to help them have a great rush. The other houses will be so jealous. It's great to be famous and have friends in high places. His sisters will be so surprized to see their rooms. Black & white everywhere -- and Nate even chose a different paint color and a different pattern for the bedspreads, curtains and pillow shams for every room. It all coordinates --

Chuck decides that his work is done for the day so he skips Exec Board (all they are talking about now is the redecorating project, anyhow) and practices his roundhouse kicks in the back yard, while watching Nate's workers perform their miracles in the midst of chaos. Just a few more days and he gets to see his Big again. She'll be next door. No roomate for Chuck, he gets his own single. The alums on the Risk Management Board insisted on this. And we'll have to see how the communal shower thing is going to work out in Chuck's case. Didn't someone say that he'd be getting his own shower, too once he moved into the house?

NEXT: The Tridelts come back for Membership Preview "Chuck-Style."

I love it! No "Recruitment" for Chuck - he calls it like it is!

Go Chuck!
 

Way to go Chuck! Spice-up that house! Make it Chucktastic!

episode #2: Chuck's Big returns
 

I decided to change things around a little because before Membership Preview Chuck is going to pick up his Big. The rest of the chapter has to be back tomorrow, but most of them are coming back tonight to watch the season premiers of Ugly Betty (Chuck's new favorite show because she is such a little fighter) and Grey's Anatomy.

REMEMBER: In Chuck Norris's world, anything is possible.

Chuck drives his old 1970 Chevy pick-up to the airport to pick up his Big. Since Chuck's chapter started as a colony, he & his sisters were given SS's (Secret Sisters, alumnae from other schools) as Bigs. Chuck remembers meeting his. His whole colonization class went to an alumn's big old Texas mansion for dinner, and the "Big Reveal." In each new pledge's hand was a slip of paper with the name of their Big on it. After dinner (catered- steak and double baked potatoes, of course), they were each blindfolded and when the blindolds were removed, their Bigs were there. Before that, Chuck knew nothing but her name, Mariah Campbell, RN. Chuck remembers wondering why he had a registered nurse for a Big.

But when his blindfold came off, he found himself looking down at a cute brunette with long curly hair tied back in a ponytail. "Chuck, I'm your new Big Sister and Chapter Advisor, Mariah. Want to spar?" Chuck looked at her in shock. No one had ever challenged him since he even began to think about going through rush. So Chuck got up and lead with a deadly roundhouse kick, designed to crash her to the floor. She caught it easily with hers, and Chuck was momentarily off balance. This chick was definitely no pushover. Round & round the kicks flew, higher and faster while the rest of the Tridelts backed away and huddled into a corner. Chuck stepped out of range, and executed a deadly death stare. Chuck could not believe it--no response. Then Mariah tried a butterfly chop and Chuck felt ---PAIN. He dropped to the floor at her feet, in awe.

"Welcome to Delta Force, dear. You didn't think that you'd be getting just any normal Big now, did you???" Chuck found out why the Tridelt's had matched them. Mariah had been trained in martial arts by the Dalai Lama himself. She was one of the captains of the Delta Force (Tridelt Interior Security, only to be used in case of a terrorist attack). She was from Wisconsin, and Chuck's mom was from Wisconsin. Her entire side of the family still lived there. Chuck loves Wisconsin. He used to fight with all the little farm kids on visits there when he was growing up. But most importantly, she was an RN, newly graduated from the University of Wisconsin chapter. With Chuck as a new member, the Tridelts were sure that the chapter might just need some extra medical attention.

Throughout the past year Chuck grew to love her loads. They liked to practice martial arts together in the backyard. Chuck taught his Big some of his special moves, like his X-ray grip and the firefly wallop. If a foreign country ever landed in Texas, at least the Tridelts would be well-protected.

So Chuck gave his Big, Mariah a Chuck-style bear hug and a loud WHOOOOP!!!! as she stepped off of the plane. She handed him a special gift, a cerulean blue tulle-wrapped 10-pound piece of real Wisconsin cheddar cheese. They spent the entire trip back to the house talking non-stop about everything and anything, especially about Nate's "redo" of the Tridelt house. Tomorrow was Membership Preview, but tonight everybody that was back already was going out for Thai food before watching Ugly Betty & Grey's Anatomy. Chuck has a crush on Betty. Grey's Anatomy shows so much blood-- and Chuck loves the sight of blood. Chuck sighed. His sorority was really the right one for him, and he knew that by following his heart, he had "chosen right."

You weren't supposed to out our special security force!!! :p Now the terrorists know!!!!

I feel like, in this story, Chuck is not the best at everything. Therefore, I question this story.

The real Chuck Norris may return again, just like he said. This is still Chuck Norris, though. In Chuck's world, anything is possible. :)

Jimmy Choo-
In the summer of 1992, the Washington Post revealed the existence of an underground bunker designed to accomodate the US Government and allow it to function in the case of a nuclear war, disaster, etc. Located at the Greenbrier Hotel (White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia), "The Bunker" was kept a secret from the American public for over 30 years.

And the Delta Force has existed even longer -- I think the FBI is coming to take me away now.
Wait---they said that I could stay because Chuck Norris said so. :)

episode #3: Recruitment Preview and Wardrobe Check
 

Chuck & his Tridelt sisters all meet for breakfast the next day. Their houseparents, the Huckabees, say prayers before the chapter has a big Southern breakfast. Chuck tells the chapter, "I tried to get Greekchef while I was in North Carolina (for the Delta Force convention) this summer. But he's so good that the chapter there kept giving him a raise so that he'd stay. I even put their housemother in the hospital with a concussion, I wanted him so bad." But Chuck also knows that he can call Emeril if he has to.

Chuck has one of his favorite sisters, IT Liz (she never goes anywhere without her laptop) pull pictures up on the screen. They run thru Chucks top picks for the chapter first, discussing each girl and using Chuck's criteria of "How well can she fight? I'll have to see." These 100 girls take them 4 hours, and they break for lunch. Reviewing the rest of the pnms (all 700 of them) takes 2 more hours after lunch. Chuck says that it is poetic justice, only the best fighters get to be in Chuck's chapter. They take a break only when Mrs. Huckabee runs in to tell Chuck that the Beta fish in her aquarium are killing each other. Chuck responds: "That's why I love Beta fish. They fight to the death." Everybody follows Chuck to watch the Beta fish attacking one another, with IT Liz taking pitures on her cell phone because Chuck wants to frame them and display them in his room.

Chuck calls Wardrobe Check for right before dinner - sloppy Joes, "Man-wich style." Chuck insists on one thing: no flats. He wants stilletos only because "They can be used as weapons. You just don't know when you'll need a weapon." Since they are way far ahead of schedule, Chuck suggests that they watch a movie, producing an illegal copy of Batman: Dark Knight. It's all about what Chuck likes (fighting, good vs. evil, justice, and black clothes). Sunday is quiet and Chuck has to make an appearance at Kent State University in Ohio. Monday is skit practice and Chuck will be there until late afternoon. Then he is flying out to Spartanburg, South Carolina for a presentation about his new book, "Black Belt Patriotism", followed by a discussion and martial-arts demonstration. Chuck knows that the rush schedule and his classes will wait for him. But he is anxious to get home to get his sisters ready in time for recruitment.
Chuck is all about fighting, and now the fight for the best girls is about to start. :)

episode #4 --- CHUCK TAKES ON WASHINGTON
 

Since this University's rush starts only when Chuck wants it to, Chuck decides to take Mike Huckabee with him and go to Washington and kick some political ---. Of course, this will delay rush, but the state of the country's finances needs Chuck Norris - now.

Chuck never shirks from a fight, and he is tired of waiting around while Washington can't decide what to do about this financial bailout. So tomorrow morning, the House and the Senate will either decide or face the wrath of Chuck. Mike Huckabee is fervently praying that all ends well.

"What --you Republicans can't decide?" Chuck has plans to make them all vote his way, or end up in the hospital. If he reduces the number of Republicans that can vote, then maybe a conclusion will be reached. More tomorrow on

AS THE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TURNS