Loved Ones Agianst Sororities :(
 

What do you recommend that a person does when the one person you have bonded with for 5 years says "If you join a sorority I cant be with you"?? I've asked this questions to many, and I will tell you what they have said, and what I already know how to answer them.

I know he is afraid of me dedicating my self for a lifetime to anything other than him, he has already lost someone else in the past to something he told them wasn't going to work out, tried it any way, then it didn't work out.
I tell him constantly it will work, but he just "Knows" that me joining a sorority will cause problems in our relationship. People say......."If he loves you, he will stick by you and hold you down," but as much as he is a dedicated, loyal person, the sorority is where he draws the line. He feels that if I do become a member of a sorority, I will not be the down to earth person I am because most people change. He feels that a sorority is not a necessity, its a want....so why cant I sacrifice a want for him. I don't see it that way.
What do I do? I have been researching the Sorority since I was a senior in High School, and not I am a senior in college.....I want to do it, but I cant loose the one person that's been there for me 100% of the time. I cant count on any one but him for anything...and I may loose that. Would I be being selfish it I did it? Would I be stupid because he is a very good person to me? I've tried to talk him out of it, but it never works. I've cried, and talked and he doesn't care about any of it. He just doesn't want me to do it and he feels that it shouldn't be a hard thing to sacrifice because I'm living fine without it now.

First, you may want to edit out the name of the sorority, but I do think the fact that it's an NPHC sorority is germane to the conversation.

Dude is obviously not being there for you 100 percent of the time if he's not with you for this.

You ask yourself seriously if this is a person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Ask yourself how he "knows" that you joining a sorority will cause problems. Ask for proof, not just that 'he knows it.'

I have a friend that is a member, and he said it caused some problems that he would not have normally had, but Ive tried to tell him....that does not mean that every one will. But, nothing I say will work with him that I have though of.

Thats what I tell him. I told him that there is no exception to what I would do for him. I would go through the unthinkable for something I am dedicated to, but i think he has a fear of loosing me to it. I just want to be able to prove him wrong without loosing him.

No offense but he sounds like he is being a bit selfish. This is clearly something that you really want to do because you've had such serious discussions with him about it. And, I mean, you've also been researching it since high school, so it's been on your mind for a while. If he really cares for you he would understand that this is something you really want, and should support you. Just because he doesn't like it doesn't mean he is going to get his way about it. This is ultimately YOUR decision, and I really think you should follow your heart. I know you're scared about upsetting him, but if you relationship with him is meant to be, you will get through this. If he's really going to be so stubborn about it, I really suggest you re-evaluate your relationship. Please, don't let a guy, who you might not be involved with in the future, stop you from doing something now. If you're not together down the road, you're going to have to deal with "what-if" for the rest of your life.

I have thought of it that way too. What if 10 years from now im looking back saying "I wish i would have," and he's no longer around. And its funny that you say STUBBORN, because he is very baddly. Thats why i keep bringing it up to him. Thinking that one day he will open up to it, but time is ticking!

This guy sound like bad news. If someone tries to control who you associate with and what you do, then there's something wrong. You're a senior in college. You've got lots of life changes coming up: new job, new place to live, getting used to real life outside of college. If your boyfriend is going to leave you over your joining a group he doesn't like, then what happens if you take a job with a company he doesn't like or move to a city he doesn't like? My point is that if he'll flip and leave you over something like this, then he'll probably flip and leave you over something else. And who will be there for you then? If you've joined a sorority, then you'll have sisters to back you up.

That sounds sooo good. I know i cant live my life based on what a man wants me to do...its just soo hard to gather the balls to say "What the heck....either your going to be here or your not." But im not that mean of a person....but i need to do what i want to do. I dont know. I somethimes think if I do do it, and he does leave me, if I actually do make it....he will dogg me out. But thats childish. He's grown, so i hope he wouldnt stoop to that level.

My (now) darling husband, Chris, said to me at one point in our relationship, "I do not date sorority girls." At the time, we had been dating for 2 years. I was devastated. However, my mom was going through a battle with cancer and it meant so much to me to become her "sister" when DG was colonizing at my school.

I finally told Chris that if our relationship is going to last then he does not have to support everything I do, but he must believe in my ability to make sound decisions and he must support ME. I went through the recruitment process, got a bid, and became a "sorority girl." He then saw how supportive my sister were for me (with my mom's cancer battle). He also saw that I suddenly did not become a different person. I (still) didn't drink, smoke, party, etc.

He still does not LOVE the idea of me being in a sorority, but he loves me. And I secretly think he didn't mind so much many of the events he came to in order to support me. He ended up marrying me. We are now expecting our first child. We find out the gender Oct. 6th...but both think it's a girl. He's already said he does not want to "encourage" sorority life...but he knows that I will not abandon DG as an alumna (I'm still very involved at an international level). We'll see in 18 years where life brings us!

I think that is so sweet! My boyfriend also said that he doesn't want to raise our child thinking that getting into a sorority/fraternity is something that they have to do. I just say we cross that bridge when it gets here! But I think the difference in your husband and my boyfriend is that my boyfriend said he "will not" be with a girl in a sorority, your husband said he "doesn't want to." Did you initially tell him you were going to do it any way? And how did he react when you did?

I realize that all I have to go on is what you have posted but - his behavior does not sound like that of a secure, mature man with your best interests at heart.

It would really be a deal breaker for him if you joined a sorority? Think about that for a minute. Everything you say he sees in you he would throw over if you joined an organization. Were the organization Hitler Youth, the Council to Dropkick Puppies or the KKK - I'd understand. But a sorority? Really?

And it sounds like he has isolated you from other possible friends and support people - that is actually an abusive behavior. 5 years is a long time - especially to still just be a boyfriend. Is he in this for the long haul, come what may, or just as long as it easy for him? He says it will create "problems" - if so, it must be because HE will make it a problem.

Think long and hard about whether or not this guy really loves YOU and wants what is best for YOU - or if he wants what is easiest for him.

I think it will make it easy for him if I'm not in one. I love him to death but I have 3 part-time jobs and I go to school, he is equal to a 4th job. He doesn't want me to seek support any where else. He wants to be everything. He wants to talk to me about everything, be my best friend and everything, but he isn't being realistic because he can not be a human and be everything a person needs. When I'm sad about my family and lonely without friends, he wans me to not be sad because i have him. I just wish he was the type of boyfriend that would do whatever to make me happy, but if it is not what he thinks is right......he is totally against it. I feel as if I should be an exception to what he normally does. I think i should be the one that he does stuff for that he never ever would have done, but his head is too big for that.

He's totally childish. He wants you all to himself, which is at best just possessive, and at worst completely abusive. If you've been together for 5 years without a symbol of a larger commitment on his part, then you have your answer as to where he sees the two of you. Do you honestly, honestly, believe that he's the One?

I started dating my ex-boyfriend during my pledge process. He was (and is still) pretty anti-Greek. If you listen to him, the social ills of the world were all brought forth by fraternity and sorority members. But, since he loved me, and supported me in whatever I did, he expressed his concerns about elitism, substance abuse, etc., and didn't threaten to break up with me for something as trivial as joining a sorority. We ended up breaking up years later, for reasons completely unrelated to Greek Life.

ETA: I just read your most recent post. He sounds terribly needy.

Just saying "it will work out" or "everything will be fine" probably isn't enough for him. Find out his real concerns and make a plan to help combate those. Like, if he thinks you wont spend any time with him, and you will choose the sorority over him you should make a plan that maybe every wednesday night is date night and no matter what is happening with the sorority you will spend that night with him. If he is afraid you will change because of the sorority make a plan that you will give it a try and one month from joining you will have a serious talk about what if anything has changed and together you can reevaluate your joining.

When I was a freshmen, I had a boyfriend who was very against me joining a sorority, so I didn't. But we broke up, I joined my sophomore year and now I'm the chapter's president.

He is, but you cant tell him that. He's extremely defensive. He will argue you down...and when you have him cornered in to the point that there is nothing else that he can say......he will end it with "My mind is not gonna change, so its up to you."

That right there - to me, that screams abuse. It doesn't matter if he's not hitting you or threatening you, it's still abuse. "Do what I say or I'm going to leave" is abusive.

My gut, from what you've posted: Whether or not you join a sorority, you need to get out of that relationship. I know you love him, but this doesn't sound good for you. By keeping you from developing social networks other than him, he's kept you from growing into a whole person at the precise time in your life when you're supposed to be growing into a whole person. If he leaves you 5 or 10 years from now, you'll be in a lot worse shape.

Get out now.

Aww! Congratulations! I dont wanna wish bad luck on us.....but it would make my life a lot easier if we broke up. Easy, but not happier. I am extremely happy being with him, but I could be even happier with him and me joining. Then, he would be even more humiliating to bread up with him and not be accepted!!! That would be the worst of it all!!! But I will always keep a positive attitude and work hard to get what I want. I have to put it in god's hands.....I wish I could speed up my boyfriend coming along and getting with the program! lol

By the end of this semester, Iim going to write him a long, well thought out, well put together letter telling him that I'm going to do it. I tell myself what you just said all of the time, hearing someone else say it makes me feel worst that i havent done anything. I have never been the type or person to let anyone accept family and elders tell me anything. I cant let him run my life....I know 10 years from now I will hate him if I dont do it.

Let's not forget that this is an NPHC sorority and it's your senior year (isn't it?).

Although all the advice that has been given is sound, I'd say that the chances of you joining an NPHC are just plain different than if you were going through NPC rush.

First, if you are not accepted, then he seems like he will be saying "I told you not to try."

Second, if you regroup, stay with him, and then decide to pursue an alumnae/graduate chapter, it's the same old argument.

I don't like this guy.

In your 1st post, you said that he said that joining a sorority is a want not a necessity. In the post where you mentioned your 2 jobs, you enumerated all his wants concerning your decision. He can have wants and you can't?!? Let me reiterate what others have said, get out of this abusive relationship now!

Really from some of the things you have said, it doesn't sound like you love him but are just used to being in a relationship with him. Look down the road. Will he not want you to join a garden club because it will take time away from him? Will this friend or that family member not be acceptable to him? He is a controller--that is not love.

i get a slight vibe that i shouldnt like him too...

i think he knows you will be busier and won't have time for him. and any man that will keep you from your dreams is no good for you. his correct response should have been "oh wow! well lets hope things go well! i wish you the best" and not that 6 year old whiny answer you got.

part of being in a relationship is sacrifice. my sis-in-law embodies that the best of any spouse i have ever met. she moves cross country while her husband does computer work. every year its a different city, and she never complains. she knows his goal, she knows his dream, and she backs it up. she never holds him back. and your "boyfriend" shouldnt hold you back either.

once you pledge xyz, you will be meeting lots of men in fraternities...who knows what type of guy is out there? i know there will be one who understands. so yeah, i agree with everyone else. skip the letter you plan on writing and let him know you two are on two separate pages in life and its totally not going to work. and do it now so he doesnt assume its the sorority. because down the road there will be more things he is going to threaten to leave you over. it wont stop.

^^lol. Neither do I.

Amen and amen!

I thank you all for your replies. I just dont know how to go about making it happen. Where do I start? I dont want to just straight out tell him its over, your controlling, and im joining!

Sounds to me that he might be looking for an excuse to break-up. Five years is a long time when you're in your 20's but is very short when you are looking at spending the rest of your life together. If you decide against a sorority, what will his next ultimatum be? Live life for yourself first and do what you want to do ... the rest will work itself out.

It's your life not his. If you're a senior in college you're probably 21-22. There are plenty of men, not boys, out there who would support your decisions yet you choose to stay with a boy.

Are you really that happy if you're "talking" to a bunch of people online about how controlling he is? Perhaps you're not mature enough to let him go and get on with your life.

True, he is truly a nice person.....I'm just more into helping him realize his ways are not going to get him any where with me or any woman, but how could you tell a guy that without offending him? I dont feel that I'm not being mature by having not let him go, but I'm not being selfish....I'm trying to keep him in mind while i make decisions, because I would want him to do the same it the shoe were on the other foot. Is that bad?

He sounds very controlling. If he can control you now, than he will think that he can control you later. What happens after college? Will he control what job you take? What if the best job means that you have to move? You are an independent woman...do what your heart and brain tell you to do. This sounds almost like a Dr. Phil show.

lol......i know it does...I wish he would go to some sort of counseling with me, but oh no!!!! He would never!

If he knew i was on here....he would call me a sorority groupie....when he found out i had been looking on the website....i was another groupie......and if he knew I acutally *paid* for a "The Divine Nine" book...he would be threw!

Just an example of what he thinks about it.

Then leave him alone. You are too young to get caught up in something like this. It sounds like you know this guy has a lot of issues already. You need to leave him alone before you get pulled in more deeply than you already are.

Sometimes you have to let people work out their own issues.

I say kick his @$$ to the curb.

My ex (who at that point I had dated for like 3 or 4 yrs) wanted to break up with me the NIGHT BEFORE MY INIATIATION b/c he didn't want me to join my sorority. I said, "Ok ... thanks, you can leave now!"

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, buddy.

Yeah, I was sad, but my sisters were there for me. If he was going to dump me for something like that, to hell with him :D

Sorority aside - do you even have your own friends that you can hang out with or talk to?

I'd say grow a pair and dump his ass, you're worth more than that and friends (or sisters) can only enrich your life and make you a better person.

I know....your right, my friends think he will stay with me and respect it more that I stood up to him and did it, but i dont think so. I think he will see it as him having no say so in anything that I do, and be mad that I didnt listen to him. But Ive listened to everything he has to say....its his turn now.

It's not his turn if your don't have the guts to be your own person. You are so wishy washy about what is important to you, to the point that you won't get rid of someone who is controlling you. You can say how great he is, but is her really? You're online, talking to a bunch of strangers about some bozo who is telling you what to do?

You need to grow up and make your own decisions, not let someone make them for you.

Mods, can this be moved to dating and relationships? This really has little to do with Greek Life and more to do with D and R.

Unfortunately, that is exactly what you have to do. The only way you get rid of a control freak is by taking control of the situation, ending the relationship and not giving him a chance to talk you out of it. I say unfortunately because this is going to be very hard for you- it would be hard for anyone even if they were glad to do it.

Let me offer one suggestion. Forget pledging a sorority for a second. Sit back, close your eyes, count to 30 slowly and then imagine it is tomorrow and he is out of your life. How does that make you feel? Surely there are many emotions there- but is there also a big sigh of relief?

The nature and tone of your posts suggest to me that you really want to pledge, but that you being in a sorority is not the real issue. The real issue is you having control over some aspects of your life- and your desire to pledge is just the first of many big dreams you will likely have to give up if you stay in this relationship.

How controlling has this person been in your life? Has he ever gotten physical- even just shoving or grabbing your arm?

If there is any chance he might lose it if you break up with him, do it in a public place, or at the very least have a strong friend or two in the next room.

It is impossible to know the real story just reading it on the internet- but from what you have presented this sounds like someone who could potentially get dangerous if he does not get his way. But don't let that scare you away from leaving him if you want to. If he is potentially dangerous now, imagine how he is going to be down the road- especially if you get married and then he really feels like he owns you!

Hope this helps and good luck to you with whatever you decide.

Once again, EE-BO for the win!

I am going to let him know how i feel. And I will keep you all posted....I have nothing to loose (besides him). I'll still be alive, and i have even more opportunities without him......but even with all the difficulties, problems, and unwillingness, I still love him....i just hope he doesn't leave me because I'm going to have to let him know how i feel.

Thank you for the vote of confidence. I just hope I got it right. Very hard to offer personal advice online, but this story really moved me.

RealTreasure, I may as well go ahead and tell you why your story really moved me to reply.

Three quick very true stories if I may- one a distant relative and the other two personal/family friends,

1. Woman marries man she loves. He is a control freak, but also not prone to keeping a steady job. 10 years later she divorces him. He disappears leaving her with 2 children- one with severe special needs- and over $100K in unsecured consumer debt. Despite medical advice that she put her special needs child in an institution, she keeps him at home and to this day I do not know how she managed that AND worked. But she did. And that child is better off today than he would have been, and she has survived. But she is nearing retirement and has no home and no solid assets. She still loves him, but she learned the hard way what he really cared about.

2. Woman marries man she loves. He is a control freak. They have a pretty good life with financial stability, but as they have aged his controlling attitude has gotten worse. She loves him and their marriage does work for the most part, but she has to ask his permission to leave the house- even just to go to the grocery store. And every so often she confides in friends just how much she hates that even though she does love her husband and he really does love her (I mean that seriously- they are devoted to each other, but his controlling nature has really stunted her life.)

3. Woman marries man she loves. He is a control freak. She came from a small town and married a small town man out of high school. She has never held a job in her life. One of their children was a special needs child and her husband decided the kid would live at home his whole life, plus they never took any steps to educate themselves on how to handle him and help him develop. Today, that child is in his 30s, spoiled rotten and physically very large. Husband goes off all day and she is left to fend for herself against a 250 pound person with the brain of a 4 year old. She is regularly physically hurt when he has tantrums. Minor injuries yes- but still! There is nothing she can do. She has no education. She lives in the middle of nowhere and has little contact with the outside world. She is trapped for the rest of her life, and she is so completely introverted that noone knows how she really feels or what goes through her mind all day.

Granted these are extreme cases, but this is a taste of what can happen when you marry a control freak. And come to think of it- these are not all that extreme. I know these couples well enough to know the husbands are not physically abusive to the wives, provide for their basic needs (except in case #1), and in many ways show affection for them.

But still, what a mess these women ended up in.

Final thought- When God created the world and sexual desire, he did not have sororities, credit card debt and retirement plans in mind.

It is okay to love someone and realize that how they treat you could put you at such a disadvantage in functioning in today's world that you cannot take a chance.

Are you a Suze Orman fan? Do a google on her- I imagine suzeorman.com would be her website. She talks a lot about relationships and control and how they interact with the very real financial implications that can seal a person's fate. I would suggest reading through some of her material. It could be helpful.