Daughter Struggling with Decision
 

My daughter called in the middle of the night in line to vote after Pref night at a medium, southern University. She had to choose between one sorority where she has felt comfortable all week and another great one that was Especially . She chose the first one I mentioned as her number one choice and now this morning said she said she couldn't sleep because she feels so bad about the other one. (It seems like this should all be happy. What can I do to help her not feel so bad. This process seems flawed to me - but I have never gone through it myself.

Is there anything appropriate for her to say to these other girls that were so nice to her ( she likes them alot)

Tell her to go up to those other girls she met at rush the next time she sees them and be friendly to them and thank them for being so kind and considerate during rush.

If she acted honorably - and didn't lead the second sorority on or make them think they were her one and only - the sisters of the group she didn't choose will respect her decision even if some of them are disappointed right now. The only time this stays sticky is if a PNM was telling a sorority all week that she loved them and couldn't see herself anywhere else - in effect, dirty rush turned inside out.

is it just me or is this dirty rushing to the max? your daughter shouldn't feel bad if she didn't choose this house because she shouldn't want to be part of a group that does this...

Just trying to understand, why is that dirty rushing?

Because she's implying that your daughter was definitely going to receive a bid. That is a rush no-no.

when I asked her if she led them on, she said well you almost have to some, because she had gotten advice from an aunt that she should NEVER let a chapter know that she is struggling or torn about a choice. Is that wrong?

Thank you - "pick them" is the wrong word choice , but can you tell me when (if she does get a bid from the first one) will the 2nd choice know that

or should I say when she get matched up with the one, when will the other one know it, thereby know that they were not her #1

Every campus does bid day a little differently, so it's hard to say. My campus would usually have preference on a Sunday and Bid Day on a Monday, and the chapter would see the list of who matched with them in the morning. We sent out the list several hours before Bid Day began (usually around 6) so that sisters could request Heart Sisters.

ETA: If your daughter is matched with her #2 choice, they won't know that she ranked them 2nd unless she tells them.

I don't think that is something she needs to worry about. If she went with her heart and went with her first love, they have all been through it and they should understand. There may be hard feelings at first because some may have really wanted her, but most will get past that once they welcome their new pledges.

Try to help your daughter through this and let her know that she should not worry about it. This is her time to be happy.

(also, she could still end up with them)

The chapter will probably not know she didn't pick them until their pledges arrive and she's not there. Sorority women are used to having people they like pledge other groups...it's not that big of a deal. She and her friends in the other group will be fine!

I second the advice to be sure and speak to the other girls who she did not rank 1st the next time she sees them.

Years (and years!) ago, I rushed a girl so hard, only to learn on Bid Day morning that she did not pref us 1st. I was so disappointed, but later on that day, as she was running to meet her new sisters, she stopped at our house, found me on the lawn and gave me a huge hug. It really meant so much to me and in that gesture, I knew she had done what was best for her (which is after all, what it is all about!).

co-sign what everyone else has been saying.

In addition, remember that the girls who are in the sororities right now had to make the same decision when they went through recruitment. In other words, your daughter's situation is not unique.

Simply encourage your daughter to enjoy her bid day- whatever house that may be- and to be cordial when seeing these other women. While that one sister may have been sincere (some are, some aren't, unfortunately) that chapter as a whole will be busy celebrating their own class and not worrying about "the ones who got away."

Right: "I really love being here. I would love to be your sister."

Wrong/leading sororities on: "I can't see myself anywhere else, I am going to suicide you on my bid card, I have wanted to be part of XYZ since I was born, if I get another sorority I'll drop out."

It's like dating, even if you like the guy a lot you don't say HOW much...and you don't tell him you like him just so he buys you stuff. :)

Thank you all for your advice and information. I don't think she understands that she could end up in the 2nd one anyway. She wanted to text those girls this morning and I hopefully stopped her in time. She keeps saying she hopes she made the right choice- sounds sad....

It happens every year, and the sororities get used to losing girls to another sorority, and take it less personally than you might think. She now has two groups that like her, and that's nice for her. I'm only speaking for me and for my sorority, but we always looked fondly rather than bitterly on the "ones that got away" --- "hey, did you see Penny went ChiO? They're lucky, she was so funny."

And just because she may end up in one sorority it does not mean she can't be friends with sisters in the other! Lots of greek women have friends in other sororities. In fact, two of my bridesmaids were from a sorority that I preffed by ranked 2nd on my bid sheet!

Wow. That would be bad. And she needs to understand she could still get a bid to her second choice.

Please let us know what happens.

Despite any bumps in the road, it is all good!

You are 100% correct in your thinking that it is not right.

(there are no dumb questions, if you do not know the answers)

This is about 5000 miles past not right, and in fact should be reported to the school's Panhellenic Council. Just because it is an alum doing it doesn't mean the sorority can get away with it.

Don't worry about asking questions, if you've never been involved in it and your daughter's school is competitive, you're doing fine. :)

Lakemom- I had a local alum of a sorority call me during my daughter's rush to evidently "get a feel" for what my daughter was thinking and to find out what houses she was going back to. I politely gave her NO information. I told her my daughter liked them all and she changed her mind a lot during the process (true)!! I could not believe that she called me but I am shocked that an alum would call a PNM DURING RECRUITMENT!! Not only is that wrong it is about the rudest thing I have ever heard of. PNMs have enough to worry about without something like that being put on them!
My daughter went through a similar experience to your daughter. She went back to 3 houses for pref and really liked them all. However, one of the sororities really laid it on her and told her that they would all be crying if she wasn't at their house on bid day and that they would come find her and kidnap her ! I know that this was just an attempt to let her know how much they wanted her but it REALLY turned her off. Your daughter will be happy whereever she lands and all the "rush stuff" will be forgotten in a few days. I have been on the other side of rush and will there are disappointments there are no real hard feelings. If there are then it is the other girls who are being unreasonable!

Lakemom - In my chapter, the members never knew who was on on top and second bid list; only our membership chairman and advisor knew, and they were sworn to secrecy. If a girl ended up in another house, it could have been because either they or we didn't list the other high enough, so if your daughter does end up with her first choice, the other sorority wouldn't necessarily know that it was because she listed them second.

These things seem so dramatic at the time (not that they're not important), but generally everything works itself out fairly quickly.

In my dughters soroity maybe one person in the chapter knows until they walk through the door.

I so agree!
 

MaggieXi- I TOTALLY agree with you, having friends in different sororities is a great thing! I have very long term friends in many greek houses-- it is one of the many great parts of being greek!:D

I'm a little late here, but did she get #1 or #2?

I'm not surprised...this is Bama rush.

Tell her to relax. It's common for new members to wonder if they made the right choice and think about changing their minds. She needs to get to know her new sisters and have some fun!

As for her question, no, she can't switch places with anyone from the other chapter. She is bound to the chapter she received on her bid card for a calendar year. She can depledge, but then she will not be eligible to join any other NPC sorority for a full year.

Besides, I think this is probably transient 'cold feet'. Reassure her, keep reassuring her, and in a few weeks I predict she'll wonder how she could have ever wanted to change her mind!

I can relate
 

The best thing you can do at this point is encourage your daughter to relax and take the time to get to know her new sisters. My daughter just went through a similar experience made even more stressful since her choices included the sorority I was a member of at the same school! She was so confused up to the last minute between my sorority and the one she ultimately chose to pledge. She too questioned her decision for a variety of reasons including what many perceived as inappropriate guidance from her rush advisor. She truly made her decision at the last second and it was totally opposite of what she had thought she was going to do when she went to prefs. Now... several weeks later she is finally sounding comfortable with her decision and sounds like she knows she has found a good fit for her. The whole rush experience can be so confusing for these girls in the end. Hopefully she will give herself time to relax and find that she truly did make the right decision. Good luck

Something is not right here. I smell a rat!

Uhhh, YEAH. Completely.

Maybe. But, her story and times match up with one Southern, medium sized university that was scheduled to hand out bids at 4:30. This would not surprise me if it actually come out to be true.

What do you mean "I smell a rat" Do you not believe my story?

Stop pm'ing me dammit.

How does "Lakemom" know what bid lists her daughter was on?

If you go to a preference party doesn't it mean you are on the chapter's bid list, somewhere?

The phrase "on the bid list" can be deceiving for many people because it implies this is the list of who will be receiving bids.

When actually, it is just a ranked list of girls who attended pref night and could potentially receive bids based on variables such as quota, pnm rankings, quota additions, etc.

In addition, rarely do members, other than recruitment chair, actually see the chapter bid list in its final form, so no one can ever really say where a pnm fell on the bid list.