Regrets
 

So I joined a sorority last year and was really excited about I thought i had truly found my home like so many people on GC talk about, but as the year went on I found myself realizing that the soroity i signed up for and thought i was joining is NOT what i am now a member. My national org is a good NPC sorority that i am INCREDIBLY proud to be a member of, my local chapter however is not. When i started to have misgivings i started doing some reading on our constituion and policies realizing that we have violated MANY things in our national and local constitution that if we had followed the rules on would of eliminated a LOT of problems we experienced last semester.

So now its the start of a new year and to say im not looking forward to going back to the chapter would be an udnerstatement, its at the point where I dont even feel comofrtable recruiting new girls when i kno the real side of our disogranized disfunctional chapter.

I know that no one here can truely understand the situation or tell me what to do but i personally refuse to leave the chapter and give up my affiliation with the national org that I am incredibly proud to be a member of all because of my issues with my local chapter.

So the adivde im looking for from the many older more experienced NPC women on GC is do i stay shut up and just go with it being unhappy wuth the chapter or do i try and make suggestions for change to turn my chapter into something that would actually live up to and be a good representation of our nationals name???

*i'm sorry if this is confusing ive debated asking GC for advice for a long time and its an emotional topic for me. If anything needs clarification i would be more than happy to clarify*

Thank you in advance!!!

Thats what in my heart I want to do because I know that we have amazing potential to be a great chapter I just worry that the few girls (were a very small chapter) who run the E-Board will NOT be open to change and it will just cause me to be disliked by the chapter as a whole. Its hard for me to explain the violations/problems my chapter has been dealing with because I dont want to be to identifying. But trust me when i say its not small violations against the constituion its things that could and probably would get us a serious look from nationals if not get are charter pulled...

Im just incredibly frustrated and even in wanting to try and change it i have no idea where to start. . .

Thats what I want i just worry that even if my chapter will be around I wont as a member that like in trying ti change i will get kicked out i know that sounds silly but its a genuine fear i have. . .

Are there any other sisters who agree with you? That would be a place to start. Since you are a small chapter, it won't take many members to start to change directions.

Do you have an advisor? You should be able to have a heart to heart with her - maybe the thing to do would be have HER institute a change. If you don't have an advisor, you NEED one. She and her advisory board (and if there isn't one, there should be one). should be on top of the issues that concern you.

We have one advisor she has been are advisor since the chapter was installed and well shes incredibly close with the girls on E-Board and has a history of not exactly upholding that anonymity of a member whose come to her with problems. From what ive read on greek chat and heard from other NPC members is that having only one advisor is very odd and i genuinely think we would benefit from another one like the 2 heads are better than one idea but have no idea how to get another advisor. . .

ETA are advisor does not know about many if any of my concerns as we do not involve her with things and when i was a new member i didnt even meet her till my initiation night and even then there was no formal introduction

Hmmm . . . it's a tough situation, no doubt. If the violations you speak of are hazing in nature, you can call your HQ - do you have a hazing hotline?

Other concerns - well, if you have a few sisters who agree with you perhaps talking to the advisor as a group could help - or even addressing the problems in a chapter meeting. Yes, they will know it is you raising those concerns, but wouldn't they kinda of figure it out anyway? If you could lose the chapter than that should be your tact - not to criticize the group, but to express concern that certain actions could cost you your charter. Good luck.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to your adviser, would you be willing to contact your area/regional person for your org? You should be able to find out who that is from either the organizational website or by making a phone call to your HQ. Or, when your chapter has a traveling consultant visit (I think pretty much all NPCs have these) maybe speak with her privately about your concerns.

Well, the collegiate members can recommend someone for termination and trump up some really nasty sounding charges. I know you mean the national office/council/HQ has to approve the termination, but AFAIK unless the member fights it, I think they usually go through.

Anyway.

tornup -

Here's a question - do you like the girls currently in your chapter? Do you feel comfortable with them and like you have a bond with them? Would you be friends even if you weren't sisters?

Also, I would wait until rush is over (assuming you have formal rush in the fall) to do anything - oftentimes one pledge class can turn a small chapter completely around. If you have friends that you think would be a good addition to the chapter, encourage them to rush. My big big's class came into the chapter (which was basically being run by 3 women) and said among themselves that they were going to change things and just did it with who they rushed, how they presented themselves on campus, how they ran their offices. If they would have stood up at meetings and said "we are going to make a big change" it would have gone over like a lead balloon.

I'm not going to advise going in gangbusters and saying "we do all this stuff wrong and we must change" or going to your nationals because either way, you might end up without a chapter - either because you would end up quitting if the other sisters didn't agree with you, or because your national shut your chapter down. The only way I would recommend that is if hazing practices are going on that could endanger someone's life and/or health. (I don't get this from your post though, it sounds more like really bad operational issues.)

I think many of us have been there and there is nothing is wrong with your thinking!

But, you and you alone will have to make the decission!:)

I can do nothing but hope the very best for you.;)

It is organizational issue and not hazing or anything with peoples lives in danger. To answer the question about are these the girls that i would be friends with without my sorority that is going into rush and the new member process yes i absolutely thought that but after that shine wore off and it got down to the nitty gritty of who they really are i have very little in common with the girls who are the most active and causing the most problems and the girls that i have much in common with are older and either alums or son to be alums so their at the point where they know the problems but theirs almost out of the chapter so they don't have the energy/time/drive to do anything about.

Its just a frustrating situation because I feel like even if i bring up a simple issue like the idea that academics should come first above everything else the "leaders" so to speak are girls who don't have stellar academics so its not a change they would be willing to make.

I think a huge issue is that i've spent a lot of time reading on GC and have family members who've been greek at strong greek schools but no one else in my chapter has that background. So i look at are chapter and see how incredibly backwards we are from most sororities and what we should and could be but they don't have that view of other greek systems and any time i've tried to mention anything about that idea i just shushed like im stupid and don't know anything. . . .

First thing is not to beleive some of the things you just hear and from who hear you it from on G C!:o

Be ware!

agreed.

You're either a part of the solution, or a part of the problem.

You may not directly be part of the problem, but by sitting around and just waiting it out so that you can still be affiliated with XYZ, you are doing the chapter a disservice by not trying to help and make things better for future generations of your chapter.

Sometimes doing the right thing won't make you Miss Popularity, but it's something that needs to be done.

Firstly: our chapter, our advisor, etc.

Now, on to the work:
-Talk to your advisor. She may not be the most helpful person in the long run (if what you say is true about her), but if there are serious issues that could yank your charter, then she's the person you go to. You have to have a little trust that when issues this important are presentented, she will take them seriously

-Start being the change you wish to see. Cliche? Sure. But true. If academics are important to you, then tell the chapter that you'll be holding a regular study group and invite people to come. Have women (or the chapter) pitch in a few dollars for snacks and coffee. Help arrange tutors or study sessions for your sisters who are struggling in certain classes. This doesn't mean that you have to do all the work, but a little work could go a long way.

-Bond with your sisters as best you can. If you're going to change the chapter for the better, you need a strong base of friendship.

-Stay positive. No bad-mouthing the chapter or its leaders. Say that you want to do something - THEN FOLLOW UP. If you say that you want to implement all of these ideas, and none of them get done, then people won't take you or your change seriously. Start with one or two "I would really love to do this... Does anyone want to help me?" ideas.

-If you have some ideas/projects for change, and they don't work out, keep working on other things. You don't want to get so caught up in one "brilliant" idea that the rest of the chapter doesn't like, and keep pushing for it. You'll just start beating the same dead horse into the ground. If no one wants to come to your study group - don't hound them over it (until you become Scholarship Chair or something, then you can).


-GET ALLIES! Find some women in the chapter whom you trust and who have the same vision as you! That is the most powerful thing you can do. They will support you when you burn out. They will comfort you when you're down. They will give you clout and a louder voice for change.

Good luck!

You are getting some great advice. Change happens because an alternative is available for people to take. If you want a change, make a plan and implement it. If you have to be elected to get it started, run for office. This is not a *poof* it's fixed kind of situation. Be ready to work hard. Your sisters will follow if you provide them with options that will make their experience more fulfilling and their campus reputation more stellar. Keep the criticism to a minimum...people don't like negatives. Giving a positive option works A LOT better! Good luck!

So, not to say you should take the easy way out, but transferring to another school and affiliating with another chapter is a possible option. Think about it.

I'd just drop out of the sorority and put my attention on the big picture: doing the things that will make you a successful job candidate/grad school candidate once you have your degree. A sorority is supposed to be a fun experience. If you're not having any fun, and you know the other members and the advisory board (or in this case, the one adviser) won't back you, I think you're wasting your time.

Sorry, GC'ers. I agree, if you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem, yada yada, but I'm a big believer that you have to do what is best for yourself. Sometimes that means diving in and becoming part of the leadership for your Greek organization. Other times, it means walking away.

please tell me you're not serious.

So - when there is a problem with your future place of employment, or in graduate school, you just walk away? Sometimes, yes, it isn't worth the effort, and you should walk away - but sometimes, you want to demonstrate that you have what it takes to tackle a challenging situation. All that leadership training NPC GLOs talk about? It has real-world worth. It may be that the this situation is what empowers the op to trust herself and her ability to change a group dynamic from something negative to something positive. Only she can judge - but I think she should think long and hard before totally throwing in the towel.

At this point, it's not long before the officer election process begins. If you can get elected to an office - maybe not an executive board-level job, but any job - you can truly begin to change things.
You can also begin asking some questions about why the chapter is not complying with the sorority's constitution, bylaws or policies. And don't take "we've always done it this way" as an answer.
Be nice, be positive, be encouraging, and smile!:) But keep asking those questions.

First of all THANK YOU to everyone for not only the advice but the support that if i work hard enough I can make a change for the better.

I personally believe that in life you always have two choices do something or do nothing but if you choose to do nothing you give up your right to complain about the problem until you are ready to do something about it. I am fully ready to do something because i know deep down that if i do nothing i wont be happy with myself and even if the change doesn't work at the end of it all i will have peace for knowing i tried and didn't cut and run when the going got tough.

And as far as people saying i should get out in my mind that is not an option i worked to hard to become a member and care to deeply about my national org to give up my membership because of the problems of my chapter. As more than a few people on GC have told me your collegiate membership is 4 years of your life but your alumni membership is for the rest of your life and i will not give up my right to that.

So thank you everyone for your advice and support when things start back up and recruitment ends and i come up with a plan i will definitely keep you all posted on how its going!!! Thank You!!!

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

If someone wants to transfer schools, it'd better be for academic reasons.

Not all sorority chapters accept transfer sisters who wish to affiliate. I've seen my own chapter sisters have a hard time getting along with chapters they wished to affiliated with. IT IS NOT ALWAYS AN OPTION.

To the OP, remember that college is just for a few short years. Your sisterhood lasts a lifetime. It's not always going to be this way, trust me.

You'd be hard pressed to find another chapter that you're crazy about affiliating with.

To whoever said be proactive and try to change what you don't like, I agree with them. Right now you're being reactive, but take a proactive approach to things and it'll be a lot better. Just be smart about it.

It won't be easy, and you might face a lot of resistance. Hell, you might even fail. But it's worth a shot, and if you don't, maybe later on you'll ask yourself what could've happened if you had just tried to "fix" your chapter.

IMO your best bet is to find out if other members feel the same way as you do. Change won't happen if only 1 person wants it.
Running for an office is a great idea. However even as President, it's hard for 1 person to make significant changes if everyone else is dead set against it. If you can find other like minded sisters maybe all of you can run and make changes together. It is worth a try.

I understand your hesitance to go to your advisor. Shame on any advisor who doesn't make all the members feel they can approach her/him freely, openly and confidentially! The "buck" doesn't stop with the advisor(s) though. Your chapter is part of a province (or whatever your GLO calls it) and there should be an I/natl officer who oversees your chapter along with several others. Consider contacting this person with a list of specific examples how your chapter is not following your GLO's stated policies/procedures. This I/natl officer can also help in trying to find additional advisors for your chapter.

I am not sure what the infractions are, and I know that you would hate for your chapter to get nailed for something that you already think should be remedied, but if this is your first semester as an active (correct me if I am wrong), I suggest trying to get into a "smaller" office or at least on a bigger community, and see how that works out for you. This does two things: it will give you something else to think about, and give you perspective.

If the infractions are absolutely unbearable, then take the extra step and bring it up the flagpole. Only you can decide what is best, because only you know what the situation is.

Best of luck!

Small Greek systems/chapters do not operate in the same way as large Greek systems/chapters. That is a fact. I mean, if you're trying to turn your chapter into something like you'd see at (example) Ole Miss or DePauw when none of the other chapters on campus are that way, it just simply isn't going to happen.

It could be that most of the girls in your chapter - or at your school for that matter - wouldn't have ever pledged if they had to deal with the businesslike atmosphere, the rules, and restrictions that some of the bigger chapters have. If it becomes that way, they'd quit. I know a lot of people on here have said they would not have been Greek at a school vastly bigger (or smaller, or richer, or poorer) from theirs.

Honestly, this sounds like you thought you were getting Saks Fifth Avenue and got K Mart instead - but there isn't a Saks in town. If you think the "sorority experience" means a, b, and c, and your chapter/school isn't providing that or doesn't want to provide it, you either need to put up with it and not complain or quit.

So just to update everyone who was so helpful with their thoughts and suggestions. I tried talking with my chapter but was met with a big giant steel wall, so i called HQ just to ask questions and find out what the options were. The woman i talked to was incredibly nice and I also found out that a LOT more things that we do are not approved by HQ so it was very much an eye opener. Hopefully with new information I can try talking to my chapter again and push for change. Wish me Luck :)

How did your HQ react to what you say has been going on?

I only ask because I would *think* that if a HQ heard that their StateU chapter was doing things that were risk management issues, they would get in touch with someone closer (like a regional officer) to get with the chapter and figure things out.

I guess I'm just surprised that it sounds like your HQ is saying, "good luck!" to you after hearing one of their chapters is participating in activites that are not approved by HQ

Nooo they definitely reacted, the person I called is in charge of my region and they will be doing something she just couldn't tell me what exactly right away with out talking it over with her supervisor. I just didn't want to give out to much info since it is the internet. But it was definitely not just like "god speed and good luck" Hope that clarifies. . . If you want more detail you could always PM me.

Like I said before, I don't think from the way the OP describes it or the things she says that hazing or RM are issues here. if the problems were that horrible, unless the HQ is thousands of miles away, never sends traveling consultants and requires no chapter accountability whatsoever, a relatively recent initiate isn't telling them anything they don't know.

I'm not sure i can really respond to your post with out giving away specific info but you are entitled to you opinion and I mine. Also according to my sororities policies and constitution the things going on are not sanctioned or approved by nationals, this was confirmed by my conversation with HQ.

It's not a matter of "opinion"
 

I'm not saying that what is going on isn't a RM issue - I'm saying your posts don't read that way to me. I know you want to not give away a lot of details, but comparing it w/ people who have come on here worried about hazing or drinking or such, it's just written differently.

Your situation sounds like what I went through with the sorority I joined. I have since left them, and there is a new sorority on campus. Sadly however, it appears as though I'll never be able to join the new one (which i like so much better than the one I joined when it was the only option on campus). I regret not waiting a bit before pledging... seeing as the next year we got the new sorority.

I officially turned in my paperwork and disolved my membership with the sorority. I dont know if this changes the rules as to if i can join another one, but i dont believe it does. I dont think that is fair. I was decieved into believing that the sorority i was joining was this amazing organization, and i'm sure the national part of it is, but the girls i joined were horrible. I feel almost punished by the fact that now that I have left them, I'll never be allowed to have a sisterhood with a better group. it's not as thought I left sorority A so i could join sorority B... i've just recenty been realizing that sorority B is much better.

Really?
 

It's a good thing you are not allowed to join another NPC. If you are willing to drop an organization after taking an oath to uphold its principles-what's to say Sorority B would make you stick around?

Because I believe in treating all of my Panhellenic sisters with respect-even if you COULD join another organization and it happened to be mine, I would be VERY AGAINST it. Every organization has their bad apples but, you make it sound as though you just joined Sorority A because "hey, they were the only ones on campus-and I wanted to wear letters"...if there was no actual HAZING going on-and you dropped them, knowing you would also be dropping the NATIONAL or INTERNATIONAL headquarters-then you don't deserve membership in ANY NPC.

It doesn't "appear" as though you won't be able to join. YOU CAN'T.

It doesn't change the rules if you turned in your paperwork. YOU CAN'T.

Posting the same thing in a different thread doesn't give you a different answer.

And yeah, even if you wanted to join sorority B, doesn't mean they would want you to join.

I did not just join Sorority A so that I could wear letters. I stuck with sorority A for over a year, attempting to help change things, and hoping things would get better, but you know what? All that happened was that my depression returned, and i took up my self injury again. Now i figure you're going to call me clinically insane or something, and continue to insult me, and go ahead. You dont know me, and you dont know what I went through. I didnt run the first time something went wrong, and it was a terribly difficult decision for me to leave, but at the point where being with them was driving me to harm myself? enough was enough.

Thank you for your response, no matter how rude it was. I can assure you though, that I wouldn't want to join your group after how you treated me.

Have a wonderful day.

Thank you for your harshly worded rejection. I am aware that I CAN'T! I simply used the term 'appears' because it sounds less negative. I wasnt looking for a different answer, I was simply trying to share with the OP that she is not alone in her situation, and that potentially I handled it the wrong way, however I still feel that for my health, I did was was necessary.

A couple of simple posts on here and people are ripping me to shreds, perhaps it's best i'm no longer part of you guys. I truly hope you are not the example of your organizations.