advice needed...marriage/engagement problem.
 

Hey guys. Don't worry, I'm not a troll, I used to post on greekchat about 7 years ago. I was one of those members who would make a few posts and leave, not because I didn't like greekchat, but because I just didn't have the time. I remember greekchat members as giving great advice which is why I came back briefly to ask for your help. I don't even remember my old screen name let alone my password, so I created a new one.

Well, here's my problem. I've been with my finace for 6 years now and engaged for 3 of those years. She's starting to put the pressure on about marriage. I would have married her a couple of years ago, but it's my job and the economy that's making it hard for me to walk down the isle. My fiance is a pediatrician and I deliver pizzas. Yeah, don't tell me, I already know it sucks. Anyway, I have a bachelors degree in communications, but since I graduated from college I have yet to find a career/job in my field. Everyone wants experience. Since then I've had the same old dead end jobs. I've been delivering pizza for about 2 years now while looking for positions in my field. Still nothing. What's bothering me is knowing the fact that I'll be married to a Dr. while I deliver pizzas. That's embarrassing. Of course she and I have talked about this and she says she loves me and doesn't care where I work as long as I'm working and making an honest living. She's a great woman, but I'm not happy with myself doing this. There's been times where the people she works with had an outing/get together, and I always hate going because I'm ashamed of saying where I work. I feel like a loser, though I am doing the best I can. I don't want to lose my fiance but at the same time I don't want to marry until I'm in my field. She's been getting frustrated and I'm afraid she may leave. She tells me that we can get through all of this, and she thinks 3 years of engagement is long enough. Hell, with the money I make I can't even help pay for the wedding. She tells me it's ok and that she and her parents would pay. My parents also want to see us marry and are willing to help pay for a nice wedding. I feel helpless. At this point I really don't know what to do?

If you were in my shoes how would you handle the situation? You guys have always given great advice.

Thanks in advance

I think you probably need some therapy to help deal with some of your issues. It's not that your feelings aren't normal, it's just that since they're holding you back they need to be dealt with.

If you truly truly want to marry your fiancee then you can't let your current job situation overrule that desire. Even if you had a great job now there's no guarantee a few years down the road your situation won't change. Marriage is supposed to be for "thick and thin". Sometimes that starts before the vows.

Good Luck!

She is right, three years is long enough regardless of your financial status. I don't think your situation is any different from a reverse role where the guy manks the money. You are basing it too much on what you think other people think.

Would it be any different after you have children if you were a stay at home dad?

Exactly! Granted, I know that it is hell on the ego. But, 3 years is long enough

You need to shit or get off the pot! If she is cool with it, screw what others think

here is a big clue...SHE IS STILL WITH YOU. so apparently she is okay with that.

my bff has her masters in Forensic Science and her husband just has his GED. it works for them!

im sure she has the ability to find what society defines as a "successful" individual. to me, a successful man has goals, and works towards them. she obviously can see that in you, and unlike some people, youve stuck to the not-so-great job and that takes a serious level of maturity. she should be proud of you.

take up your parents offer of a wedding. pay for what you can if you want. but marry this girl soon, she is a good one!

Phil? Is that you?

Anyway, I worked as a part-time tutor, then in a grocery store bakery, and then at a chain bookstore as a cashier, until finally getting the professional (and boring) job I have now a couple of weeks ago. I'm married to a rocket scientist (seriously). I felt pretty crappy, too, and angry because my fancy-schmancy 4-year degree wasn't doing me a whole lot of good. (Phil, btw, is my lawyer friend's boyfriend who also has a degree but can't get a job and works retail.) But you're trying, that's all you can do when the economy sucks so bad, and it sounds like she understands that. So you just have to deal with it - you'll feel a lot worse without her! :)

I agree with the previous posters.

For what it's worth, I have 2 friends who both graduated with me in '04 with degrees in communication. One is now an accounts mgr with a major car mfgr (i.e. she calls on deliquent accts) and the other is still at his "college job" (he's still a bank teller).

The deal with them though, is that they don't have a clue what they want to do with their degree and they can't even explain what drew them to that degree in the first place.

I don't know what that degree entails, so only you can answer that. Do you *know* what you wanted to do when you decided to major in communications? You say all the jobs so far have required experience. Maybe you can be a part time intern or something somewhere and keep your other job for the time being until you get experience.?

What the poster is going through is very common right now. A lot of couples aren't getting married because of employment and financial reasons, whether it's a joint decision or the man (often) making the decision.

I say, go with your gut feeling on this and make sure you have personal and couple's counseling to help you keep a clear mind. A lot of people will say you're just being insecure, which may be true, but finances are real and have a psychological and a physical impact on most people. It isn't your imagination that you hate your job and that you have a college degree but not that much money. The kinds of issues you're dealing with are a big cause for divorce so it isn't the case that love is enough or that love conquers all.

Some men and women can be in a relationship and a marriage where they aren't equally yolked educationally or financially. I'm not one of those people so I have lived my life accordingly. The good thing is that you have a college degree, which most pizza delivery men don't have. You and your fiancee' need to reach a compromise and part of that may be that you can't plan the wedding until after you get a new job. However, don't wait until you've completely settled on a career or advanced at your new job before you get married. That takes time. Even people who have MBAs and have been in a career for 15 years reach a crossroads with their careers and feel the effects of high unemployment rates and recessions. So you can't put life on hold in hopes that your career and finances will be perfect and without any glitches. Get a good start, get married, SAVE MONEY AND BEGIN TO BUILD WEALTH and then let your career ups and downs be worked out in the context of your healthy, happy marriage. :)

She said yes to you while you were a pizza delivery guy. That means that, degree or no, you are worthy of her love, that she LOVES you, and doesn't care about the prestige of your job.

People do this often..."we'll (get married/have a child) when (we make more money/have a house/pay off the credit cards)". The short answer is that...well, these things might not ever happen, like you may never have "enough" money or the "right" job. But you have *a* job and you're looking for one, you're not laying there like some overcooked eggplant, you're doing SOMETHING, and you obviously want to marry this woman because you're stressing about this.

Get to a counselor, sort yourself out, take a deep breath, send some CV's, and keep working. Never let anyone deny you your dignity because of your job. You work, you make an honest living. That is nothing to be ashamed of.

My husband and I postponed our wedding for a year so we could save money. That year dot com happened and he works in the IT industry. His company suffered the ripple affects and went out of business. He was unemployed. It made saving much more difficult.

You never know what the future holds, but true love is hard to find. When you have it, don't let it go over finances.

You'll get a better job. You could also work towards your Master degree to get a better job. (The conversation now goes from I deliver pizzas to I'm working on my Master degree and delivering pizzas to earn some extra cash. You'd be surprised how much money you can make at that and the schedule is perfect for my lifestyle.) I'd work on a way to phrase what you are doing in social situations. I had to do that when I was underemployed and it made me feel a lot better about myself and my job.

It bothers you to be married to someone with a better job, but did it bother you to get engaged to someone with a better job? To date someone with a better job? You made it through all those steps, now what's the hang up here? That sounds like an ego problem to me and not even one that completely makes sense. I guess because I'm a woman, I wonder what she must be feeling. She's found love and has the chance to be a wife, maybe even a mother, have the love of her life to build a home and a life with...yet she's waiting on her fiance's self-esteem to be higher. I totally feel you and wish you the best on your job search, but come on! That's not fair to her and I think you're denying yourself a lot of happiness in the meantime.

Is the real problem marriage, the money it will cost to get married, or is it your job?

You have to sort that out first.

I know it sucks knowing that you yourself may not be able to finance the entire wedding. I'm the kind of person that hates people paying for me/supporting me in any way. I graduated with a degree in political science, wanted to be a paralegal, couldn't find a job, went back to school for my paralegal certificate, and didn't get a job in my career for a year and a half after I graduated. It sucks, I know. But my bf started going out with me when I was struggling, and when I would get upset about money/bills, he would help me out and tell me that it's not a big deal. And it's taken me a long time to realize that it isn't. Not as long as I have him to figure things out with me.

If you're post-poning this wedding because you feel inadequate, that's a problem. But if it's as simple as you not wanting to deliver pizzas, find another job. And I'm not talking about one that's necessarily in your career field, but a job that you might feel more comfortable telling people about. You were a communications major. Why not get a job that allows you to work with people? Maybe something in customer services. You could work at the front desk in a hotel. You could get a job at the bank as a teller. You could be a receptionist in a small company. And jobs like this will most likely help you to transition into something that you really want to do someday (and they'll look better on a resume).

And it may sound strange... but if you can't get the job you want, offer to work somewhere for free. If you can't get an internship, or something similar, offer to help out somewhere for a few hours a day so that you can gain experience in your field, but also work another job to make some money.

And if it's just your stubbornness that won't allow other family members to help you pay for the wedding, then get over it. And I don't want that to come off as mean, but seriously, get over it. Because it also took me a long time to realize that other people helping you isn't such a bad thing. Embrace it. Be glad that you have people in your life who are willing to do that for you.

But if there are other problems that you just can't get over that are disallowing you to get married, then that's something that people here on Greekchat won't be able to help you with. And maybe you should see someone about that.

Lowlite, if she loves you and you love her, why are you letting a job come between you two? Seriously, you're making an honest living. I think you should go ahead and marry her. You're really going to kick yourself if you lose her. Finances are important in any marriage, but it shouldn't be what makes or breaks a marriage. I could see if you were doing nothing and she was kind of like taking of you, but that's not the case. Based on what you're saying she loves you for you, and that's what you want. I mean who wouldn't? Yeah, I'm curious too, what is it you want to do with your degree? Did you ever think about applying for upper management positions within the pizza company you work for? I mean, a good manager needs great communication skills and you have a degree in communications.

Anyway, MARRY THE WOMAN!!!!!! LIKE, NOW!!!!!!:)

ETA: Do you get free pizza?http://l.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/71.gif

Oh, and your husband has a really cool job!:)

Do you have health insurance? If not, that's another good reason to get married right now.

Co-sign to both!

She loves you. The title and prestige of your job is of little importance to her. 3 years is definitely long enough. She has stuck by you through all these years so it's time to go through with marrying a good woman.

If you're looking to get out of pizza delivery, I agree with ASTalumna06 about being open to positions that might not be in the communication field. I work in data management (data entry, data review) for clinical drug trials, and we have people from all sorts of backgrounds. I have a co-worker who was a teacher, a co-worker who went to the police academy, and a co-worker who went to art school. I've also had co-workers that majored in computer science, political science, economics, history, and art history. Working in data management is probably not where they thought they would be, but they do like it. And the co-worker who used to be a teacher just transferred into the training department. Now, she's going to be traveling to investigator sites and training their staff, so she is getting to do something education related now.

Marry when you are ready. I saw where you mentioned money as an issue. Money management is a lengthy and involved topic, but while you are delivering pizza, I think the both of you (If/when you do marry her), need to sit down with a financial counselor and plan an airtight budget, and then stay with it. Also, more importantly I would make sure the two of you communicate openly and honestly. Problems and differences in a marriage are not bad, but not being able to communicate with each other, rather it be how you feel about your situation, money or whatever, can cause some severe problems. Communication is to love what blood is to the body. When it stops flowing, your marriage/relationship with this woman dies. Communication is everything.

Good luck to you. You'll find something soon.

Keep doing what you're doing and make sure the load isn't put on her. I'm not sure if you go to church, have/read your bible, but if you do, read (1 Timothy 5:8) It will help you.:)

So I asked my boyfriend what he would in your situation. And his answer (to getting married) was "hells yeah" because then he wouldn't have to work and he can stay home and play video games.
he was kidding of course. lol. but he said if he couldnt find a job and I had an awesome job, he wouldn't mind at all. And he also said he would never make me wait 3 years to get married (after getting engaged).

I was thinking that that is what I would do. (stay home and play video games, that is)

o.k. what is it with guys and video games?:confused:

they're fun

I think they're like a new form of drug addiction.

It's just not guys...

If you believe you've found the love of your life, don't risk losing her. True love/love that can last forever is much too hard to find.

I get it now.:rolleyes:

I think he mentioned something in another thread about his job. I think he's unemployed now....according to the post. I forgot where I saw it.

I think that this is the crux of it - I don't think you would be as upset if the parents weren't involved and it was just between the two of you.

You can have a nice wedding without breaking the bank. It just sounds like she and her parents want to have something huge and ornate and are thinking more about the wedding than the marriage.

I don't know what facet of comm you focused on, but if you're trying to get into radio, unless you are Howard Stern, I pretty much GUARANTEE you - your wife is always going to make more than you. A lot of positions, unless you are in NYC or LA - you're not going to be making big bucks. Not that they won't be enjoyable, but don't think you're going to be rich.

Try a temp agency if you haven't already. And sit down with her and reevaluate what exactly the wedding is going to be.

no, we still have the same old drugs

Yes, I agree. I'm just not happy about my place of employment.

No, I am not unemployed. I was working two jobs to make ends meet. I worked nights at one and days at the other. My hours changed at one of the jobs so I had to quit that one. I'm not unemployed.

Get your facts straight or ask before you post.

To 33girl. You are absolutely right. She is always going to be making more than me. That's not my concern. My concern is I'm not happy with my job. I deliver pizza, and it's quite embarrassing when we get together with her family and their friends. When we get around the dinner table they'll ask about her job, which gets talked about for about 20 minutes, then they get to me and say so what do you do?

"I'm in transportation"

Seriously though, tell them what your major was and that while you're looking for a job in your field, you're doing whatever it takes to pay the bills. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, they may have connections. If you don't advertise that you're looking for a job, you won't find one.

lol yeah, I guess I could say I'm in transportation, but they would say what do you transport?

Actually, I just got off work. But yeah, that's pretty much what I do say. I let them know what I want to go into and that this is just what I'm doing to pay the bills until something comes up.

I have a kid and a fiance who's a doctor and that's what makes me feel ashamed. I need to find another 2nd job though, because when I had two jobs, things were a lot easier when it came to paying the bills. Plus I have student loans to pay back. My fiance has been helping though. She wants me to find something in my field as bad as I do.

RU OX Alum, if you get a chance on Monday (this monday) watch the Dr. Phil show at 7pm. Well, it's 7pm EST. It's about video game addictions. Isn't that like drugs? :)

My God, how was I supposed to know you had another job?! I thought you just had the pizza job. You said it yourself. You didn't mention a 2nd job anywhere!!!

:)

I didn't see Dr.Phil last night, I missed your post. :(


But, no, I think it would be more like a shopping addiction or a gambling addiction than a drug one.

Awww man.:( I should have PMd it to you instead.

RU OX Alum, it was so good. There was this guy who's married and he spends 10-12 hours a day playing video games. He had a job, but he quit. It was something about his wife being sick. Anyway, he took some time off to take care of her. She said during that time he played his video games. lol They have 3 kids and while he's at home, he lets them do whatever they want because he's so into his game. She has to wash all the clothes, clean the house and she pays the bills. She said they're behind on their house payment too. She said it's to the point where he won't come to bed, because he falls asleep on the floor in the computer room where he plays his video game. There was so much more, but that's pretty much what was being said. Ya know, that's just ridiculous.

But an addiction is pretty much anything that's overly done. Something that takes control. Like drugs. They said that the average age of a guy who plays video games is 35. I don't get it.

geeez ^ that's addiction! :)