Courthouse Ceremony then "Real" Wedding?
 

Calling Army Wife!!! J told me today he thought it would be a good idea to go down to the courthouse in September when he's home on leave and make it legal and then we can still have the "real" wedding next year as we planned (and yes, I mentioned this idea to him about two months ago and he thought it was silly). This would ensure him getting more BAH and separation pay, and me having less taken out of my paycheck for health insurance since I'd be on Tricare, and I'd also be his next of kin so if anything happened to him I'd be ok and first to know, etc. All those lovely military reasons. Anyway, my question is that I have heard some say that that ceremony down at the courthouse would be the "real" wedding and that next year would simply be a vow renewal and that people wouldn't want to go to that so why bother with a wedding ceremony and just have the reception, which I think is BS (I'm wearing that dress and walking down an aisle damn it!) Would it be so weird to do this or is is pretty common in military circles?

Also, what about the name change thing? I could only come up with including our first and middle names on the inside of the invite and calling it a marriage celebration rather than a wedding. Or would it be better to wait until later to change it?

He thought it'd be silly to exchange rings but I figure if we're married, why not wear rings? What about getting simple inexpensive bands and then upgrading next year at our "real" wedding? He doesn't seem to think a ceremony at the courthouse is even real but I beg to differ.

And another question - should we invite our parents since they both live fairly close? My mom loved the idea but seemed disappointed that it would be just him and me and some legal documents. I mean, it's legal and definitely makes us married... Is it a question of religion since it's not before God or something? Argh, I'm so confused!

I once discussed this situation with someone in my life, for very similar reasons. We planned to have the church wedding anyway, later, and celebrate with the people we wanted in the style we planned.

Legally you're still married, and the vows you take before God and your friends and families still matter. If you want to have the wedding as planned do it because you two want to. If people won't come that is their problem, and if you want to wear rings do so. It is your wedding and your life and if people can't be happy for you entering a covenant of marriage before God and everyone and feeding them amazing food then that is sad on their part.

Where's KillarneyRose? I know she has good input on this.

I know multiple people who did this, so yes I'd argue that esp in military circles, people do this quite often.
I have no problem with it, but I would definitely make sure that you keep the "real wedding"/vow renewal, (how ever you choose to term it) with in that year time frame, or I people may think it's silly/a grab for gifts, esp if you do the showers and bridesmaids and all of that like a year and a half or more later.

Well his leave is in September and we're planning on having the big wedding-y stuff next September mostly because his best man will also be deployed but returning home later than him. So it would almost be exactly a year! I think those who love us know our situation and many have asked why we didn't choose to do this in the first place but I guess I was just worried if it was weird to do or not and how to handle the specifics of it (cuz I think of stuff like rings and invites).

ETA: Also how to handle the parents? And can I still do a bachelorette party if I'm already married? It would kinda bum me out if I have to miss out on some stuff :( Maybe have it in August right before he gets home and we do this? And then do Bridal shower, etc. next year?

I've known people who've done something similar and didn't even tell anybody about the first wedding until years later. Although, it was back in the 50's and they were both living with their parents and did it because they didn't want to wait until the church wedding could be planned to be able to have "relations"

LOL! My parents did that in college :D

We have friends who got married in Italy where the "husband" was stationed because they thought it would be cool to get married there. They weren't engaged prior to the trip, so obviously no family was there and they said they were going to do a reception when he got back. She got pregnant and 3 1/2 yrs later they still haven't had the reception!!!

2 things came to mind, one, you can go do the courthouse thing for all the practical reasons you mentioned, you can tell no one or just your parents and closest friends, why you're doing that makes total sense. Then just go on with the wedding plans as you have them laid out. You will be legally married, but anyone who knows you and knows you want a "real" wedding will know that you two standing in front of a magistrate and then him shipping back out for a year is nowhere near the same thing. I don't think anyone would begrudge you your "real" big day. (and if they do, forget 'em)

The second thought is, if you would feel the other way is "deceiving", why not just fashion your invitations and the theme of the day to a vow-renewal and emphasize what it is, a chance for you to celebrate with your family and friends the "right" way and to let you two have the wedding you'd dreamed of (and celebrate his coming home safely -- that's worth a big party of its own!). Again, anyone who would begrudge you taking the technical step you did to fit in with his military schedule and benefits isn't worth worrying about anyway. I don't see why you couldn't still have a bachelorette party or register, again, it's not like you're doing either of those before your courthouse visit.

You just need to do you and move forward on the path that fits your lives. Anyone worth their salt will happily change paths with you when necessary, if they don't, let them move on down their road. Don't make your life decisions based on what you're worried other people will think, make the decisions that make sense and bring happiness to YOU. And enjoy his visit home, that time goes by way too fast.

If you're serious with someone who is deployed, it does make sense to get married, for all the reasons you mentioned. Particularly since y'all are already engaged. Another way to invite people to the "big" white-dress-and-reception wedding would be to tell them that you are having your marriage "blessed" since you had to move it up because of the military. After all, it's not that uncommon for churches and the law to have different opinions on what the word "marriage" means.

A cousin of mine did this. She was having a destination wedding in Europe, and a church wedding in France isn't "official." So she got married in at City Hall in Toronto two weeks before she went away.

So crazy that I logged on and saw this topic. I got married in a civil ceremony on September 1, 2006. I'm having a small church ceremony on July 27th at which my parents will be in attendence (his parents are deceased :(). At the first wedding, while small, we did have a number of friends and family there.

I did it too... I got married legally on May 16, 2003 and had a "religious ceremony" (according to Emily Post) on July 2, 2003 where my parents and his parents all attended with a few friends. The whole shebang cost ~$8K...

IDK where you reside, but if you are in a "morally conservative community", come up with a crazy story as to why you all did a civil ceremony... Or hayle, tell the truth--your future hubby wanted more pay and protection with next of kin--what's wrong with that? And the folks on the west coast like California and elsewhere probably wouldn't have a problem with your explanation--not that you all even need it in the first place.

But, wow, did my MIL in FL and middle of GA need some crazy explanation for all her friends. She just had no clue as to what to say to people!!! We did not give her any thoughts and I paid a high price for that lunacy--she was harsh... We are on better terms now--especially after all the shotgun wedding and baby rumors died down--I gained weight due to other circumstances... And my husband and I have just made 5 years!!!

So, I'd say, if your future hunnybun is gonna be here in September, start working on the marriage license with a nice brunch dinner, etc. and 1-2 home movie picture takerers... And the best thing you can do is start reading "marriage enrichment" materials from Dr. Smalley and Dr. Chapman...

I think it's cool to have a civil ceremony.. and if you want to have a relgious ceremony a year later, then cool... but I would find it weird to do the bachelorette party (especially) and bridal showers and all that the second time around.

Why not do those before the civil ceremony?

I've had friends who did the destination wedding (and another friend doing that in just 2 wks)... so they had their bachelorette/bridal showers before they left and had a reception a month or two later and showed the video of them getting married. There was one girl who had the bachelorette/bridal shower before, got married in a civil ceremony a few days before going off to their destination wedding in another country.

Just my opinion though. I just think it would be weird to have a bachelorette "celebrating your last night of freedom" if you're already married for a year. If you didn't tell people that you were already married though that might be different.

Depending on your religious convictions - you can have the civil ceremony, followed whenever by a church ceremony or blessing. I did that for my second marriage. Long story short, civil ceremony in VA in June, and church blessing (with family) in Texas in February. I wouldn't do a bachelorette party (I'm not much on them anyway) but the point behind a shower is to "shower" a couple starting out with the household things they need. If you only invite family and friends who would be in a position to ounderstand the situation you should have no problem. Good luck, and may you have a wonderful marriage, however you decide to handle the wedding!

I agree with TP after thinking about it that bachelorette/bridal stuff would have to be this summer before the civil ceremony after not only looking at this board, but talking it out with Mom. As for rings, I think I may get my grandmother's wedding band re-sized and wear that for the first year (Mom's idea) - it's a really simple platinum band and thin, no stones. The band that goes with my engagement ring has diamonds in it and stuff so I'll just wear my grandmother's band on my right hand after the religious ceremony next year. Not only will this be more meaningful, but it will also save us from having to buy two bands for me :)

The only people I think that may have any sort of problem with this is some of his parents friends that I don't know and the only reason I say this is because I don't know them. All of the people I know and that I'm inviting will completely understand (in fact, some of them made this suggestion already). J doesn't really see this as anything more than paperwork though and I guess I need to talk to him and help him realize it means more than that really because we will be legally married (which matters more than only having a religious ceremony since you have to be legal to be married officially) and the perception by people would be that since we're legally married, anything after that would be extra.

ETA: Any other suggestions on things that would change due to doing it this way?

I did this. Had a courthouse wedding and then a year to the day had a church wedding. Yes, it was technically a vow renewal, but our guests didn't know the difference. Hindsight though--I wish we hadn't done it that way.

He did give me a ring--although mine was a tanzanite ring that I wore on my finger until he gave me my "engagement" ring several months later (We did everything very last minute.)

I would get married legally without letting anyone know--maybe my best friend?--and then have the big wedding ceremony. Best of both worlds, I say.

Aye yi yi. I have seen this often, and it never ends up pretty. OK, one time it did but they got married and didn't tell a soul, not mom, not best friend, not even the dog. The only evidence was the Mil ID in her wallet (hidden) and she only pulled it out at the PX, or Commissary etc. She did tell everyone 10 years later. "Loose lips sink ships" and it's sooo hard to keep the trap shut in these matters. Why? Although ppl say they don't care, they do, and at the last minute they will start to "bail" on you and will say snarky things like "what's the big deal, they're already married" and it really takes away from your day. Plus, if you tell the BFF's they will get you presents and then a year later ppl just feel like "I've already given them a gift, I don't need to go to this one". I know they say they will, but I've seen so many of these go sour. To the point that the Bride and groom just say "screw it, we'll forget the big wedding".
Can you just speed things up and do it in Sept. w/o the best man of choice? I would personally go that route. Men understand and are cool with this.
If you are doing it just for the Tricare and his BAH, you need to "worst case scenario" it and say who is the best person, you or his mom, to move out to Walter Reed for a year or more if he's in rehab and comes home w/o limbs etc. This is just too serious for me to sugar coat it for you. Sorry.

From an etiquette standpoint, getting married legally then having another "wedding" isn't appropriate.

Of course, lying to your guests and making them think they were there to share in the happiness and witness your marriage probably isn't kosher with the etiquette mavens either.

I'd be pretty ticked if I went to a wedding, spent the money on hotel, gas/airplane, food, GIFT, etc. then found out after the fact that the couple had lied and were already married. It's in all around poor taste to lie to people!

If you want to get married for the military benefits, then do it. Just don't be bummed when people think it's inappropriate that you try to do all of the BWW (big white wedding) things after you're already married- bachelorette, shower, huge "wedding," etc.

Which do you want more... a "marriage" starting this September, or a "wedding" next September.

Personally, I would not do both.

I think these two statements side by side are something to read and really think about.

Honestly when I worked for the Navy, this happened all the time, some people even went years before having "the big wedding."

If you love him, no matter what, then you have to decide what you want more. You can't have your cake and eat it too, especially if there's a good chunk of time between the two events.

I think that's the perfect way to put it. Sometimes in life things don't turn out exactly how we dreamed, or we have to make choices that change those dreams.

Do you want a happy marriage that will last the rest of your life? Or is it more important to have one big day where you're the center of attention and get presents? And the wedding isn't just about the bride, its about BOTH people, and their families.

If you want to get married then have a reception to celebrate your vows, have your marriage blessed by a priest or whatever religious figure, etc. down the road, at least be honest about it. But whatever it is, it just is not the BWW that you want to have here. But the marriage is what counts, right?

The problem with this is he really has his heart set on certain people being there and they are all deployed right now and won't be home until after he will next year. Also, my dream venue has to be booked exactly 1 year out on a lottery system so we would have to scramble to put something together for this September and it would be half-assed - something a pledge sister of mine did right before she deployed and ultimately she's not happy with it. The plan for her was to have a small wedding down on the beach in FL and have a big shin dig up in DC when she returned home since her first year of marriage would have been spent apart and so many people would not have been there for the small one but now she's home on emergency leave and if things go the way they're going she will end up staying home and never having the big wedding that her husband and family wanted because she knows it wouldn't be appropriate.

Your statements are exactly what I was worried about and J only sees this as paperwork and didn't seem to realize the ramifications of this until I talked to him today. I don't want to lie to our guests and I'm hoping that having a nice wedding for them to attend next year will entice them (if that's even the right word) to come down to GA and celebrate with us. All of the guests will know our situation as far as his deployment and stuff goes so I'm hoping that they will be understand and be considerate enough to go along with our plan. True, it's not exactly kosher according to etiquette rules but I'd rather be open about it than lie to everyone and have people be really pissed at us. I won't be expecting any gifts and such until next year for the big day and I hope to make this very clear to our guests as to our intentions and why/how we're doing this.

Also, J was kinda upset he would most likely miss out on his bachelor party since a lot of the guys are deployed so we compromised and I decided that if we do this I'll have mine this summer and he can do his next year. Not sure if that's kosher either but he feels it's ok and I feel it's not so we compromised like that.

He still has to talk to his parents and see how they feel about it - I would assume they'd want to be there (that was my mom's first question when I told her). But if they have serious reservations about this, then we may wait after all... As to who would be there for him should a serious injury occur, I really don't know how to answer that. I think I would be devastated if I couldn't be there but then again so would his mother. As to who he would want there, I really don't know but I feel like it would be me. So far on this deployment, he calls me every week like clockwork with occasional e-mails, his parents get a call every few weeks. That's not to say he's not close with his parents, cuz he is, but he definitely keeps me more up to speed with things and I usually seem to know more about how things are going than his mom when I talk to her. I also get calls from the FRG group updating me on meetings and things that happen in his battalion.

I guess ultimately we should do what we feel is right for us - I care about wedding etiquette but at the same time it doesn't fit with everything we have planned so we may have to just fudge some things I guess.

See, this makes me feel like a spoiled little girl who just wants the BWW and I don't think that's fair. Of course I realize the marriage is far more important than the wedding but the BWW is something we all want (both us plus our families). And there are going to be some people who feel it's not a real marriage until it's blessed anyway so they may feel the BWW is the "real" wedding (J happens to be one of them).

I'm just a stranger on the Internet with an opinion. You do what you want to do!

Personally, I also would never ask for advice re: important real life matters on a message board either, but that's just me!

Point taken. Ultimately I'll do what I think is best for me but it's nice to have some feedback on it from people who can be objective about it. And I'm very thankful to those who have offered it.

And bear in mind - the kind of people who would be snarky about a blessing, or church wedding, or celebration after the smaller, legal ceremony are NOT those you would want there anyway. So your BWW might be smaller than you originally thought - but I'd rather have a smaller group who loved me than tons of people who are so small-minded that they would try to steal your joy.

Agreed. Thank you!

Lol, this is exactly why I'd like to go this route. :D

Ok, seriously, my sister did it this way. Her husband was being relocated so they got married before they moved. A year later, they had a "vow renewal." They had bachelor/bachelorette parties for that, but no bridal shower. I have another military friend who just did this and she stressed over what to call it, too. *FYI: yes, according to dictionary.com, the year later thing does still qualify as a "wedding"* Both couples went on honeymoons after because they didn't get them the first time. No one complained about coming to either ceremony (at least I never heard any complaints) and no one griped about my sister having a bachlorette party even though she was already married--it was basically just a giant slumber party anyway, not much shenanigans. I can't speak for him, though. :rolleyes: You'll be married and happy and getting what you want in this uber important phase in your life. Sounds like a good deal to me!

Thanks! I like this way of thinking! I really don't want it to be a big deal (until next year anyway)and I'm happy with having both but I'm agonizing over the little details while J only sees the big picture (we compliment each other so well!) I really appreciate all the suggestions :)

GEN Alum was single for a year after he graduated as I had another year left in college. He roomed with 2 other butterbar classmates who also were engaged to college seniors. Both roomies had fiancees in other states and ended up getting "secretly" married in civil ceremonies as well as church ceremonies later on. AFAIK, the parents and families never knew. For one spouse, it was a good thing they had the earlier date as a legality as the guy ended up having a midlife affair just over his 20-year mark and leaving her and the 3 kids. :( She was eligible for the benefits under the 20-20-20 rule as opposed to only being married 19 years of the active-duty years so she wasn't left quite as high and dry. It didn't help her completely but it was better than nothing.

You know what? There is no rule you can't wear a big white dress to a courthouse.

Alum, I think in "our day" it was easier to hide b/c computers weren't invented yet (in the sense they all talk to each other) so you could get married in NY and then have a big wedding in another state. We filed our own paperwork with the county in CO but now I've heard the minister etc. files it. If I were going to do a secret wedding, I'd do it across state lines in case they print it in the local papers. (and pick a town with no friends/relatives).

For what it's worth, it is more important to work on your MARRIAGE than that huge shindig IMHO. My husband and I did what we did because my mother had a lapse of psychosis once my now husband proposed to me. She wanted all this fanciful affair with crazy lunacy, then move it to where my grandmother lives. And to tell you the truth, my husband and I did not want all that...

What I was hoping for was a Las Vegas Chapel of Happiness wedding with a Black Elvis and motown singers to walk me down the aisle with sheebop, doowah... Welp, did not get that... And my husband is too introverted to do something that wild...

What we wound up doing, is the JP. Then something respectable for the families--but that was a big mistake overall. The issue was if I did it in my hometown, there'd be fools that would show up randomly uninvited. My husband moved around, so his hometownage is unclear. And because I did not know anyone where we current reside, locations, nice places, dresses, flowers were too difficult...

Do I regret the way we did it. Hayle no. It's a story of a lifetime. And yeah, the second thing could have been done a better way, but welp, you live and learn. If we last to our Golden where we'd be in our 80's, let's have the shindig on the moon, then!!!

I'm sure you're right about the technology issue. Both official weddings did not take place in the state where the civil ceremonies occurred for these couples.

If you do go ahead and get married now with a big ceremony later, do not wait until later to change your name. There are time limits on that (which vary depending on where you are and which particular agency you're dealing with --- since there are only about a hundred places you have to change it, and they all have different rules and requirements ...). If you wait too long, you'll have to go to court for a legal name change, instead of getting to do it the "easy" way.

I didn't even think about that, I just heard it's easy if it's for marriage reasons. Thanks!! :)

I think I'm just trying to find a happy medium of not making this a bigger deal than it is but also recognizing this as the real wedding it will be. He's ok with doing rings, name changing, etc. but I think he'd rather downplay some of that stuff if possible and make it more about the paperwork and if the name change stuff is easier done right away, then by all means I'll make it easier on myself.

You can always legally change your name but still go by your maiden name socially. (Plenty of people have their legal name changed but still use their maiden name for a business persona or some other such thing.)

Am I the only one getting the 'red flag' when the OP says the groom-to-be is just going to consider the civil ceremony "only papers"??? :confused:

Are you getting married because you love each other and want a real marriage, or because his health benefits are nice and he gets more $?