I need advice about the boyfriend... (this is long)
 

So basically, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years...It will be two in September. He goes to Georgia Tech, I go to UGA....I transferred there from App State, which was about 5 hours away, to be closer to him (and to go to a much better school for my major, journalism.).

Basically, there are a few issues here that I need to vent/get feedback on...

The first is that he whines and whines about how I need to come visit him this summer (I'm five hours away again, at home with my family, and he is in ATL still). However, I only have a part-time job and am trying to save money to go to NYC next spring (I don't travel a lot so while I could go on the bare minimum on the visit, I'd rather do it RIGHT)...and I also have to pay for ALL my college...which, after grad school, will probably be somewhere between $80,000-$100,000. So, needless to say, driving 323 miles to and from Atlanta really isn't the best idea right now and he doesn't really understand that and gets upset when I say that I can't afford it, or take time off work, or, needless to say, add 600 miles to a car that already has 200k+ miles on it. He, on the other hand, has a brand new jeep, a job that pays almost $2,000 a month (full time internship) and is paying for little to none of his college education.

The other bone I have to pick is that way back in say, November, I asked him to accompany me to my cousins wedding in New Jersey. This is a BIG issue for me, because I really REALLY want him to meet my family (hell, its been two years, the boy IS my family)...so we had it all planned out, my parents were paying for EVERYTHING of his, and he was going to come. Well, since he got the internship, he said he wouldn't be able to get time off work. So we had to cancel all of his reservations and blahblah, I was EXTREMELY disappointed...it really meant a lot to me. Now, however, he seems to be able to take "half days" on both a Monday and a Friday and fly down to Miami for some concert thing for a weekend...but wasn't able to figure something like that out for my cousins wedding when i suggested it.

Adding onto the family thing..If we were in a normal relationship (and even when we are both home, for that matter), he would be welcome over to my house at ANY time when my family was gathering or even when i was just sitting around (With the exception of like, past 2 am)..and would ALWAYS be welcome for a family meal at my house, even if it was on a wednesday night and it was just my mom and my brother and i eating grilled cheese. However, his family really isn't that welcoming in that sense and they are having a fourth of july small gathering for his best friend who is moving to japan. Is it incredibly wrong of me to be upset over this? I mean, at this point, shouldn't he consider me as family as I do him?

Am I just whining a whole lot and making a big deal out of things or is this stuff that actually makes sense to be upset over??? I love him and I really don't want to break up with him or anything but it seems after reading this that I have serious issues... :(

i dont think YOU have issues, but your relationship clearly does. it sounds like you give more of you in this relationship than he does. perhaps hes just not as into you (as you are into him).

hell, you transferred schools to be near him (yeah yeah, better for the major, whatever). would he have done the same for you?

are you whining a whole lot? yes. should you make a big deal? sure, you been with him for 2 years. but what, this is your freshman/sophomore year? whatever, college is a time of change and your lives are going in all sorts of directions. maybe this has been going on all along and youre wising up to realize it.

He's selfish. Totally not meeting you in the middle. If you want more of the same stay with him. If not, dump him.

It seems that many sacrifices have been made on your end, but not a clear understanding by him of what this relationship entails, and what is needed to make it work for both of you.

If you keep reaching your hand out, you will truly miss the blessing that is freely given to you. He doesn't see how good he has it right now. Let him know, and if he still doesn't get it, focus on school.

Kick him to the curb.

As long as you are willing to take this kind of crap, he's going to take advantage. You need to be firm about your standards of how you want to be treated and if your partner is too selfish, immature, etc. to meet the non-negotiables, save yourself the heartache.

I must say that your two-years-makes-us-family talk worries me a little, because it reminds me of a situation I was in once. I don't know if this addresses how you are feeling, but in case you are...if you aren't willing to walk away, he can and will treat you however he pleases, and no amount of your hurt, anger, or logic is going to straighten him out.

I am guessing here, but were some of these things issues before you transferred? And maybe you thought that being closer would make it easier for him to meet your emotional needs? Sounds like you've made him your world and he is not making you a priority. I was in a similar situation many years ago. We spent the summer apart (with him making little effort to talk or visit) and I realized how much happier I could be without him, so I broke up with him. He was completely shocked but should have seen it coming.

I know it's hard to think this way now, but it's not worth being in a relationship that is so much WORK. If you give 95% and he gives 5%, you will either be miserable or single in the long run. My advice is to tell him exactly what you expect, no room for miscommunication. If he doesn't step up to the plate, leave his behind and find someone worth your while.

Before you end things have a conversation and lay out what you need. See if he's willing to meet you half way. If he says yes, give it a try. If it still doesn't work, at least that way you will never wonder "What if I had just talked to him?". But don't let him keep saying he'll try and then let him off the hook. You'll end up wasting your whole college career. Give him one last chance. THEN, kick him to the curb.

Thank you guys so much for the help! When I wrote that it was so late and none of my friends were up and my mom (who i usually go to) was asleep.

Basically, what I did first was sent him an e-mail. I know that sounds incredibly bad, but I'm terrible with bringing things like this up (I have a hard time explaining myself vocally--I'm much more of a writer). When I finally talked to him on the phone, I guess he was a little drunk. He first said he was "offended" (A little understandable, because it seemed to him like this was coming out of nowhere.) When I finally started telling him what I meant about things, he said that "Relationships are not 50/50 and that there has to be some sacrifice". Then I calmly explained that yes, actually, relationships should strive to be as equal as possible and that the only sacrificing that was being done was on my part and that wasn't fair. He asked me what I had sacrificed and I listed a few things (college, money, things like that). When I switched the question back on him, he answered with "my life." and completely voided me out, just to be an asshole. (Please keep in mind he was a little drunk.) I mentioned to him today that he couldn't even sacrifice cigarettes for me and he sighed real hard and I think he got the point. Anyways, from here on out I pretty much told him I couldn't be with him if he wasn't able to own up to the fact that he wasn't pulling his weight the way I was over-hauling mine. We got off the phone and he called me a little later and was incredibly upset..which is fine, but I told him he had a lot of growing up to do, and he was all "hah, I live by myself, have a full time job...etc etc"..and I had to interrupt him and say that he had a lot of growing up to do when it came to relationships (Family, friends, me, etc.) He didn't disagree. I told him we were on two completely different levels on that aspect and while I do love him and want to be with him, I wasn't really going to put up with him not compromising or anything anymore.



I do have to admit that while he sounds like a COMPLETE asshole, this really isn't the whole story. The boy has done amazing things for me, periodically. I have to stress that because he really isn't a bad person, he just has the tenancy to be selfish...obviously...and I think he was a little surprised last night when I stood up to him and told him that I wasn't having it anymore, even if it seemed to him like it was coming from nowhere. It's not like I have been passive towards him the entire relationship, at all, but it is very rare for either one of us to directly say something has been internally bugging one of us...mostly we just fight over little things, if at all.

I'll let you know how things play out from here, I guess.

What I'm about to say may come across as harsh, but I don't pull my punches.

Dump him.

Think about it. He wasn't willing to take time off work to attend a family wedding with you, but he'll take half-days and fly off wherever for concerts. Your parents haven't even met him after two years? I met DH's parents after we'd been dating for less than a month. He's playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse before killing it. What happens when you're engaged and he wants a wedding in his hometown and you want it in yours? What happens when you're married and he wants a baby and you don't? Think big picture here. If you were married or even engaged, I'd say "get thee to therapy", but you and he are not committed for the long term - so: Walk away now.

good luck to you both..relationship..especially in college..can be very difficult and interesting..just make sure that in the end..YOU are happy.

i don't think its harsh! I think it is your opinion on it and I respect it and am grateful that you were willing to help out. I don't know if I didn't clarify but we have BOTH met eachothers parents--we were "casually dating" (i wasn't really into the whole boyfriend thing in high school) about a year before we actually got together---I met his mom before we even got together and we met eachothers familys about a month after we were "official". The part of my family that i found it important for him to meet was my extended family--its my cousins wedding. :)

I'm not sure if the OP set her limits early on, but it's important to set limits and make them clear to him. I know you said you've been with him for two years, but if you're someone who allows yourself to be treated in a certain way in the beginning of a relationship, then you're allowing the problem to get a foothold in the relationship, and all it's going to do is grow. From what I'm reading, he seems to be kind of selfish, and he seems to be putting himself before you. You definitely don't want these dynamics present in the relationship at all. You need to let him know what's up. I wouldn't cut the joker aloose, but at the same time I wouldn't overlook his behavior either. Overlooking certain negative character patterns long-term can lead to a real problem. I didn't think long distance relationships worked at one time, but now I'm doing the long distance thing myself. I find that it helps to just be upfront, very clear and specific about whatever the problem is. It just boils down to good, satisfying communication in order to resolve an issue between two people.

Good luck. I hope you two can communicate with each other and get through it. :)

ETA: I also read what you e-mailed him, and his reaction. He was drunk and being disrespectful to you huh? o.k.

You will get what you tolerate.

Don't make excuses for him. "keep in mind he was drunk". Drunk or sober, your relationship isn't going the way you want it to, he's not making you happy, and he's not doing his part. Get out. The longer you make excuses for him the more you make yourself look like an ass for putting up with him and his selfish behavior. Long distance relationships take sacrifice and work on BOTH parties if they are to succeed. It can't be a one-way effort.

Granted, an email certainly wasn't the best way to handle this talk, but then again you're along distance relationship.

From this limited amount of information, it certainly seems that you're way more into him than he is into you. Dump his ass, get in a place where you're happy with your life and yourself, and you'll find someone else.

I dunno, she seems like a whiner and a tally-taker.

Okay, I've been told I'm as subtle as a sledge hammer before, so reader beware...

You deserve to be with a man that is going to make you the priority in his life. I dated a lot when I was younger and made a list of everything I wanted in a man, would like in a man and would be nice to have in a man (but wasn't necessary). I married that man...and I didn't have to do anything to change him. There is someone out there for you and you don't need to settle. Make yourself a priority, because it doesn't sound like he is.

Amen. If there's something drastic that a woman feels she wants a man to change, it's pointless. Perhaps he'll grow out of it, but probably not. Men don't change for a woman they don't respect.

I realize I am making excuses for him, I really do. It's just hard to put myself in a position to break up with him because this is the ONLY problem we have (Granted, its a huge problem.). It really didn't used to be like this up until a few months ago (April-ish). He's coming home this weekend so I think we're going to talk about it. He's been relatively nice since when I last sat down and had a talk with him, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything at all and is probably just temporary. Basically, I'm going to tell him straight up how I feel and I'll see where that goes. Face to face. Which is probably going to be a whole lot harder, but its probably what we (or I) need.

He actually used to be a relatively huge partier in high school/beginning of college but since we had a discussion when we got together about our relationship he toned it down a lot and changed from the whole party scene thing (As did i) but it just seems now like he kinda went back to it.


It's college. Yes, I love him, but maybe we aren't supposed to be together during it. I really DON'T want to break up with him, because I really do love him and we get along perfectly when we're together, but I guess maybe most of you are right on here, which is why I asked for advice in the first place because I didn't really think of it as a "break up" issue as much as i saw it as a need to "fix things," but most people are saying the opposite of what I thought.

Girl, it's hard, but so worth it.

It really depends on what YOU want. We can only give advice from our own perspectives and backgrounds. If this relationship is really just for college, it sounds like you're in a bit too deep already. The longer you stay together, the deeper you'll fall. In that case, it's probably best to get a bit less serious.

If you think he's marriage material (and if that's what you ultimately want), it's a very different scenario and you really have to be critical. As women, I think we only hurt ourselves by getting too deeply involved with men when we're not really sure what we're looking for.

You gotta have a plan. :) I kinda wish I'd had an older sister when I was 18-22 who could have knocked me straight in a lot of my relationships.

If you aren't willing to completely break it off, tell him you want to "see other people" for a while. Still date him, but other people too. You don't even really have to do it (although it would probably be a good idea), but if he thinks you are ... just make the boy sweat a little.

Most Tech boys are VERY happy to have girlfriends, and act appropriately. He needs a wake-up call.