Elope?
 

Lately, I've been thinking about stopping wedding planning and just eloping. My mom has become a true "momzilla" and is trying to micromanage my day. There was a huge argument on where FI and I would get married and they refused to pay a cent or even come if it wasn't in DC. FI and I decided to let them win that argument (mistake #1 on our part) since I'm the only child and they've always wanted a glamorous DC event. We agreed only if we were able to make the choices on what we wanted and were able to make it our day. (I should have known this was doomed from the start.)

Then came the compromising and budget they put us on. Granted, I should be grateful that they are putting any amount of money towards the wedding, but it is completely unfeasible to have the type of wedding my parents expect in the DC area on the budget they placed on us. They want all of their friends there and because of the budget, we're limited to inviting 30 of our friends out of the 150 guests. To top it all off...they're expecting us to pay anything over the budget -- something they told us yesterday. With the cost of the reception and ceremony sites, food, open bar, and photographer, we've already reached their allocated budget.

My mom placed the deposit down on the site and we have until Wednesday to get our money back. I live across the country so I have no way of guaranteeing that my mom isn't going to take over everything and contact vendors without my knowledge.

I want to have the big day with everything but I don't feel good about any of this. Talking to her doesn't help, my dad just gets mad with all of this, and my fiance is worried about paying these overages.

Shouldn't a person be excited to plan their wedding and for all of the details? This has made me so stressed and sick that I've lost 10 lbs in under a week. I've been having dreams about the wedding and I wake up sweating. Something's obviously not sitting well with me about this.

I guess it seems obvious, but should I just say screw everyone and elope? Maybe take the money they budgeted for us and use it for a down payment for a house in the future?

My brother wishes he would have eloped when my mother became a Momzilla to her daughter in law. She created so much havoc that by the time the wedding came around, everyone was exhausted.

Elope, then throw a big party.

I'm so sorry to hear that, I think there's nothing worse than when someone's wedding/wedding day gets taken over and taken away from them.

Eloping is definitely an option, but if it's still important to you to have your friends around, why not just plan something small that you and your fiance want and can afford (it sounds like you will end up shelling out money in your parents scenario anyway) and do it just the way YOU want to do it? If 120 of your wedding guests are friends of your parents anyway, then why do you care if they're at your wedding?

You can go have a party at a friends house or hotel and get married there, or find a cute chapel and have a destination wedding you invite your closest friends to, or elope on a cruise and come back and throw a huge party with all of your friends and family. If your parents basically want a big fancy party for their friends, they can always throw a formal reception, then she can plan it down to the last detail and you and your husband can fly back for it, no stress involved (or at least, much less ;)).

Regardless of what you decide, just make sure it's what YOU want for YOUR wedding day.

Have you talked to your mom about how she's handling this? If you haven't come right out and told her how you're feeling, then give her the opportunity to back off. If she knows how this is affecting you, and she's still momzilla, then by all means, elope!

I think if I eloped, I'd forgo the big party and just spend excess money on a vacation to Santorini.

I think that one thing keeping me from throwing our own wedding is I know that my parents would not show up. It won't be one of those things where they say that and turn up that day either. Granted, if they're acting this way, do I really want them there? And I know that if I eloped, my parents would be too embarrassed to throw a party afterwards.

:eek: God, that sucks. I'm so sorry.

Oh, I've talked to her. My fiance's talked to her (she found out his screen name -- poor guy.) My grandfather has even talked to her. At dinner last night, my grandpa said at first he thought I was the one bringing all of this on and now he realizes after talking to my mom that its all her.

Do you want me to talk some sense into her? I'm sure me and DaemonSeid can be quite persuasive.

http://www.a-weddingday.com/jds/JDSP...lizedBatLg.jpg

I think nittanyalum said it best: This is YOUR day. Your mom got her day (I'm assuming here), why can't she let you have yours? If she didn't get to plan her own wedding because her mom kept taking over, then she should know how you feel. If she got to plan her own, then she should understand your desire to plan your own as well.

This sounds so sad. It's impossible, of course, for any of us to give you real advice, but it never hurts to keep your options open. Do what's best for you and your fiance.

oh, i miss you guys.

Apparently my dad planned most of the day and she just dealt with getting her dress, hair, and make up. My paternal grandmother and godmother were also involved. Yes, I do think she's partially living vicariously through me. I just feel like I need to make this decision fairly quickly because I don't want the heft deposit going to waste.

To top it all off, we're having to pay for some of his relatives to fly out because of their financial situation since my parents didn't want to have it where we did (which was neutral territory for all.)

Many times, the reason that brides and grooms do whatever their parents want for the wedding is because the parents are paying for the whole thing. Your mom is trying to have her white-four-tiers-fondant-covered-garnished-with-rose-petals cake and eat it too. If she's not going to shell out for the wedding she wants, then she's not going to get the wedding she wants. Don't let her have it both ways. If you have to pay, then have it your way.

This EXACT situation happened to my big big. The planning got way out of hand so they eloped and had a ceremony renewing their vows and the reception a year later. Her dad STILL didn't show up, but I think eventually they got over it.

If you want, I will totally call the site and say I'm your mom and cancel it for you. :)

She's just going to try and run my whole life forever, isn't she? Everyone still teases me because I pay my own bills and live 3,000 miles away, and my parents still try and control everything.

Maybe a weddingmoon is a good idea.

Hahaha. Now only if the money would go directly on my credit card and not back on her's. Find a way for that to happen and I'll give you a 30% cut.

Well, I don't think his parents would show up either...but that's more because of financial reasons. I think if we just made it about us and ran off on our own and nobody came...then it might be a compromise.

How about saying (to both sets of parents):
"We're getting married in this chapel (or courthouse, beach, lumber yard, whatever) on this day at this time. We'll pay for plane tickets for all parents to come celebrate with us."

All parents are equally involved at no cost to them. If your parents choose not to come, then while sad, that's their choice (that they'll probably live to regret).

Discussing things with the FI when he gets home from work.

let us know what happens. You have a lot of support coming from our direction

So, I talked to the fiance and he basically told me to do what I want. Called my mom to ask if the money she allocated for the wedding budget could be given to us for a down payment instead. Then my mom began asking me why all of a sudden I wanted to elope and what brought it on, etc. Proceeded to tell her the same things that I had told her prior and how what she allocated was not enough to throw a DC wedding. Sent her a spreadsheet with what we would need financially. Finally after more arguing and discussions on how every girl should have their one day, she caved. She agreed to back off, trim the guest list, and raise the budget. I just have one stipulation..I can't tell my dad. :rolleyes:

In the end I'm still not sure its worth it nor do I think that she'll fully back off. I think that my mom would rather spend a frivolous amount on one day than giving me money for a down payment.

We'll see how this turns out.

(((VAgirl18)))

Little did you know I was in the room with her with my baseball bat, so that helped too.

thanks

Sweet.

I'll be back in town in August! We need a get together...cause I'm gonna need a few drinks after all of this.

I say tell your mom to sit her butt down somewhere and you do the wedding the way YOU want to do it. I guess my family is different because we tell each other to back off regarding such things because we're all unapologetically grown.

Why deny you and your future hubby the wedding experience (if you two want one) because of your family?

But if you two won't resent not having a wedding, then elope and do the snazzy reception thing whenever you choose to have your reception. Just don't let the momzilla take over the reception or take over the rest of your life, for that matter. You'll have to tell her to sit down sometime so she'll know that she needs to sit down.

My husband and I eloped at the Justice of the Peace... We just had our 5th Anniversary.

Well, his mother was hella hella pissed. Wouldn't even speak to me.

My folks were bothered, not so much hurt, but they felt bad because they thought I alienated them from my future when they were proud of me and my husband.

My husband's father was like "YAAY I have a daughter now!!!" He has 2 sons and has always wanted a daughter.

I am all for elopements! One of my cousins was engaged a few years ago. That side of the family is very much into the social calender, and everything had to be planned just so.... The stress of it all ended up breaking up the relationship.....:eek:

Now, I know this doesn't happen to everyone who plans a wedding! I actually want my wedding to be huge! But it allowed me to see how crazy things can get!

The silver lining to all this: Its three years later now, and my cousin just got married to an amazing man! They eloped and then threw a huge party about a month later! It was great!

I wish you guys the best!

Good for you for talking to your Mom (again), VAgirl, and getting her to see more of the light. I hope things continue down the better path, remember, you can always drop and dash if things get too hectic, forget the down payments and whatnot, your mental health and a good start to your marriage are more important. You can always hop a flight to the Caribbean and get married on the beach somewhere or Vegas is open 24/7. Make the memory you want to carry for the rest of your days together. Good luck and please continue to update!!!!

Be careful my best friend went through this last year I was her MOH and we ended up canceling it three weeks before then rescheduling for two months later because her mom caused so many issues it affected my friend and her fiance.
thank god my mom said here is X amount of dollars for the big day, anything over that is for you to pay. But do whatever you want with X amount.

bump, as this is rather disconcerting

You'll get a kick out of this..my mom just signed a contract today with a photographer and videographer. It ate up half of the budget. :rolleyes:

Tell your mom she and your dad can renew their vows but your heading to Vegas to get married. :) Good luck!

When your wedding becomes unrecognizable, sometimes the only thing you can do is elope. That is what Mr. Skylark and I did and we don't regret it at all. We had a wedding date and location set and wanted only our parents, siblings and 1-2 close friends each. I have never dreamed of a big wedding (just wasn't that girl) and I was going to be graduating from law school during the same month, so I didn't really have the time to manage a huge wedding. Since it was going to be less than 10 people, we didn't feel the need to start planning anything more than 6 months in advance besides the location of the ceremony. We just wanted to go to a normal restaurant afterwards and eat off of their normal menu with a special but non-wedding cake. But plans started up for a bridal shower with people I didn't even know on the invite list... even when I told my family multiple times I didn't want one! And his extended family (from out-of-state) were threatening to just show up without being invited. It was a mess. And every week I had to hear some random question from my mother or other family like "What do you mean you're just going to order off of the menu, this is a wedding! No wedding cake? No limo to the reception?"

Mr. Skylark and I were in his home town visiting his family and had the idea to just get married there with his parents as the only witnesses. I called my sister and parents the day before and my mother was really the only one who made a huge deal about it (boy did she ever)... but then she got over it within a couple of weeks.

In the end, it was totally worth it. The ceremony was special to us, in a perfect location, and while his parents got to be there (husband is an only child so I understand why my husband didn't want to do that to them) it was still all about my relationship with my husband.

My mom tried to make my life miserable right afterwards -- literally from the moment we got off the plane. Then realized she had crossed the line when we refused to allow her in our home over the things she had said. Then all of a sudden she apologized and, like I already said, everything was back to normal within a couple weeks.

It is your wedding, make sure that in 20 years you remember that instead of "we did this to appease my mom, then we did this other thing to appease his dad, etc."

It's your wedding, not your mother's.

My MIL tried to take over my wedding too. She wanted our wedding to be ALL ABOUT HER (and by the way, there's some guy in a tux and some chick in a white dress here too). Sound familiar?

DH and I put our foot down and had the wedding we wanted. (It helped that we were paying.) But it sounds like it's too late for you to do that with your mom.

If I were you, I'd elope. Drop by the courthouse, then go to a nice romantic restaurant for a quiet dinner for two, then get a hotel room and shag like bunnies. ;) Or whatever the two of you would like to do. It's not worth the trouble of dealing with a Momzilla.

BTW, I just have to say that a videographer has to be the SINGLE BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY in the wedding industry. Seriously, how often does a couple look at each other on a Tuesday night and say, "There's nothing on TV, how about we pop in the wedding video?"