Thank You Notes
 

Wasn't sure where to post this but since it kinda has to do with weddings I'll put it here.

What is the "rule" when it comes to thank you notes?

I've been to several bridal showers over the last few months and never received a thank you note from any of the brides-to-be for the gift I got them. Their weddings have come and gone and I received a thank you for the wedding gift but not the shower gift. I went out with one of the girls whose shower I recently attended (and never got a thank you) and another mutual friend. After a few drinks, the mutual friend decided to ask why none of us received a thank you note. Our friend answered, "I thanked you when I opened up the gift. Was I supposed to send a note also?"

I was always brought up to think that thank you notes were to be sent even if the person was present when you opened their gift. Even back when I was a kid opening gifts at my birthday parties at the roller skating rink, my mother always made me write a thank you note to all my friends.

Is it the norm not to receive a thank you note? These aren't like hillbilly girls without class either. These are girls who were raised by wealthy Southern families which is why I'm so shocked that they don't know better.

- ZTAngel
aka the girl who sent out all her bridal shower thank you notes one week after her shower and all 200 of her wedding thank you notes one month after her wedding w/o her husband's help....yes, I'm amazing.

I've always received super sweet thank you notes less than a week after the bridal shower.

Yes, ZTAngel, you deserved a thank you note. I know that it's hard to rhapsodize over the fourth toaster one's received, but it's the very least the bride-to-be can do after being the honoree at what is basically a shakedown for gifts.

FWIW, when people neglect to send me one, their next gift from me is a very nice box of thank you notes. I've never had to do that more than once.

And, like you, I was on top of mine. I got married on a Friday, and every note was in the mail on Monday. Okay, over the top, but that man and I didn't go on a honeymoon right away.

Yep...that's what I've always heard too. I always send thank-you cards.

On a similar note, what do you all think of the one-year timeframe a couple apparently has to send thank-you notes for wedding presents? I think it's jacked up for several reasons. One: with the wonders of internet registries, you know what you've gotten well before the wedding. Back in the day, you didn't get a lot of your presents until after the ceremony. Two: that rule was in place back when people took 6-month honeymoons and THEN had to set up house for the very first time. Now, since so many people have already set up a household, they don't need that buffer. I feel like now people use it as an excuse.

In Florida the arguement against white shoes prior to Easter and after Labor Day is almost a moot point. However, I absolutely refuse to budge on common courtesy, and Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt will both back us up on thank-you notes! You have three months to get them out--family tragedies notwithstanding. And generally it's considered rude to not have shower thank-yous out within a week of the shower (because you have so many other things to do that you just need to check SOMEthing off the list!
One of my pledge sisters commented almost a year after a wedding that she hadn't gotten a thank you from the bride. We both knew bride & groom well, and I told her to call the bride & verify that they'd even received the gift--only to find out that the department store had never sent it! Ah, the wonders of the 'not-really-missing' thank you note.
You should have received thank-you notes for all of it...it's a huge expense to buy shower AND wedding gifts, especially if you want something you're proud to put your name on!

NO NO NO - this drives me crazy! The happy couple do NOT have a year to write the notes - the rule is that you (the guest) have a year to send a wedding gift. Obviously, you want it to get there before the first anniversary. I don't know who first mangled the rule but they should be shot. My other pet peeve - bringing presents to the reception. Send them before, to the bride at her home address, or afterwards to both of them at their new address, but don't saddle someone (usually the bride's family) with having to try and store your gift without losing the card.


Climbing off soapbox . . .

I think that's BS. I read somewhere (maybe on The Knot) that the new rule is 3 months. If it takes you a year to send out thank you notes, you're just being lazy. I had a large wedding and I had gifts from guests who couldn't make it. Those who sent a gift before the wedding got their thank you within a week. If they brought their gift to the wedding, it took me a month since I was on my honeymoon for two weeks and then had 200 notes to write when I got back. I wrote notes on my lunch break, while at the pool and during the evenings while watching TV. I got them all done within two weeks...it really wasn't that difficult which is why I think the one year time frame should be null and void.

Anyway, thanks y'all for letting me know that I wasn't crazy for thinking thank you notes should be sent even if you thanked the person at the shower. The best is that all these girls had a friend write down what each person got them for a gift. What did they think the list was for? So they could frame it??? Seriously...

About two years ago, I threw a shower, attended another shower and the wedding for a much younger "friend". So, here we have 3 gifts and dinner/drinks/champagne for 15 at a nice restaurant. She was married in May; I finally got a thank you note for all three in January. If that wasn't bad enough, it was a very generic thank you note with a photocopied picture of the happy couple.

She had the same one-year rule about thank you notes, which I don't agree with. I guess I wouldn't have been so put out by her (their) thoughtlessness if I hadn't actually thrown the shower for her.

"Friend" just had a baby last week. I sent a card.

If you get a gift, you send a thank-you card. And the one-year rule is BS. Thank you cards for wedding gifts should be going out within a few weeks of the wedding. Barring a major extenuating circumstance, anything else is laziness, rudeness, or both.

I guess I can kinda, sorta, but not really see the confusion. What I was taught about thank you notes: For special occasions (weddings, graduations, the like) thank you notes are always required. For birthdays and Christmas, if you opened it in front of the person, the verbal thank you will suffice. If it was sent to you, you have to send a note, because otherwise the giver might not know if it was received or not. But since this was a bridal shower, she should have sent a note.

A little humour . . .
 

Why don't sorority girls attend orgies?

Too many thank you notes.

My wife sent out thank you notes after both of her showers (one with my family, one with hers), and we sent out notes very soon after the wedding itself.

I got married 19 years ago and the "rule" then was 3 months. I don't know where people got this year idea from. And yes, there were notes for every shower present.

There should be no excuse for not receiving a thank-you note. I thought it was hostess etiquette (or maybe bridesmaid etiquette?) to help facilitate the process? For every shower I have ever hosted or had thrown for me, I have always kept track of who brought what gift and provided the bride with thank-you notes that coordinated with the invites. Has anyone else ever done this?

One a related note: does anyone else see baby showers getting a little out of hand? I just talked to my mom and she told me about being invited to a "diaper party" for a relative's SECOND CHILD! I thought it was considered poor etiquette to host a shower for someone's second baby. This relative just had a baby about three years ago. To make it even worse, the "diaper party" is hosted by the relative's mother and the baby has already been born!

I have a friend who's gotten married and had a baby....
We went to a "Stock the Bar" bridal shower, I got her a wedding gift, got her a baby shower gift, and another gift when the baby was born....and no written thank-you
:-(



I have a related question....if you're invited to a shower and the wedding, do you split your gifts between the two events, or do you give at the shower and be done with it?

You give one gift at the shower and one gift at the wedding.

Whoa, stand down there, buddy! Don't kill the messenger. I don't think it's right, either. :p

In the past few years, my family has received several thank-you cards 6-9 months after the wedding. We looked it up in an old etiquette book where, back when honeymoons were months long, it wasn't totally unacceptable to send a card after you got back from the honeymoon. Obviously, those days are long gone for several reasons. I've heard many people--coincidentally, the ones with the biggest, fanciest weddings--say, "well, we have a year to get them out!" It annoys me, but it's not uncommon.

Your friend should have sent you four thank-you notes: bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, baby gift.

If you're invited to a bridal shower and the wedding, that calls for two separate gifts (and two thank-you cards). Around here, the gifts are usually an item from the registry for the shower, and a check for the wedding.

Question....why was she responsible for the shower thank-you's?

That's what I've always been taught.



And we waited until after our wedding to send thank you's for our shower gifts, because we included a wedding photo with each one.

My husband wrote the thank-you's for the gifts we got from his family's shower.

The bridal party's responsible for shower gift thank-you's?
Wow, it seemed like it was all that a couple of my bridesmaids could
do to throw a joint shower (on the same day as another sister's wedding....BAD idea)

Sorry I wasn't clear - I wasn't "NOing" you, but the knuckleheads who want to twist the rule to make it a year to get out the notes!

Wow - that's a lot of etiquette violations in one party. In my family, we love babies, first, second or third, and parties, so we'll have a tea in celebration. Now, many people will bring gifts (how much fun is it to shop for baby gifts?) but technically it is NOT a shower. One thing I like about baby #2 and so on - you can concentrate on buying cute clothes because the necessities have been taken care of with baby #1.

eta - check out www.etiquettehell.com

While we're on the subject of Thank Yous, let me tell you about something that appalled me at a baby shower I attended a few years ago. At one point the hostess passed out envelopes to everyone and asked us to address it to ourselves, then announced that this was so the mom-to-be would have one less thing to do when writing out her Thank You notes. So, so wrong.

Last year, my family and I were all invited to a couple's wedding, and though we all purchased separate gifts and my brother and I don't live with our parents, the couple sent ONE Thank You card to all of us at the family address, which I also thought was rude.

I would feel TERRIBLE sending out Thank You notes even a few months after a wedding. By then, your wedding is old news to your guests; they deserve timely recognition that you received their gift. My good friends have followed a strategy that seems to work well: write the Thank You note as soon as you receive the gift, then mail out all the Thank You notes at the same time. This spaces out the writing so it's not overwhelming, and it ensures no one slips through the cracks. It gives you an excuse to open presents before the wedding, too ;-)

That's so wrong. You send out a thank you card per gift regardless if the gift-givers live in the same household (or are the same family). Once again, that was laziness on behalf of the couple. It's the same as wedding invitations. You send one invitation per couple. If there are people 18 and over living in the household, they each get their own invitation.

Back when I was living with my best friend, a friend of ours got married and she sent one invitation to us. I think she did it because she's cheap but still.... The outer envelope read:

Ms. ZTAngel and Ms. Roommate

It was on the same line! We still have an ongoing joke that we're each other's significant other.

With some friends it has come down to the "well at least they sent something as a thank-you." The worse thing for me was that not only did they get married in September and sent the thank you in December-it was one of those photo holiday cards with a wedding photo and printed next to it "Thanks for sharing our day with us."

GIVE ME A BREAK!

My aunt has a very strict rule...no thank you note means no gift in the future. I heard her say that once when I was a child, and I was sure to make it stick! The last thing I want is for someone who took the time to send me a gift to think I'm ungrateful and rude!!

I know when I had my Bat Mitzvah, some folks (especially out-of-towners) sent presents in advance. When something came in the mail, she had me sit down and write one IMMEDIATELY that way a) I didn't forget and b) it gave me less to do later. When the actual Bat Mitvah party was over on Saturday she made me write 10 more, and other 10 more the next day before my kids' party. And every day after that it was 10 more until they were done. When I got home from school even before homework I had to write them so they got out as quick as possible.

15 years later, as soon as I get a gift...I write a thank you note. And like for graduations where I had multiple gifts, I subscribed to the 10 a day rule. It made life a lot easier. And no one has ever complained they haven't gotten a timely one or one that was more than just 'thanks for the gift'.

On the flip side, I get pretty offended when I don't get one for important things (weddings, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, graduations, etc.). Ask my nephew who got an earful the other night because he graduated a month ago (and had less than 10 thank you's to write) and not only did I give him a gift--I drove up to Michigan (from Chicago) for the graduation! That's pretty much the last time he'll get anything for a good long while (until he gets married and hopefully has the sense to marry a girl who write thank-you's). It doesn't take long, and people feel good about getting them.

LOL! It's been years since I've heard that, but it's still as fresh today!

I didn't think I was going to laugh, but I surprised myself. ;)

IDK, I've never been to a bridal shower except for my sister's, so I can't really speak on that. For my college graduation, I got all notes out within 2 weeks. That was the first time I'd ever written thank you notes--I never wrote thank you notes for childhood birthday parties, it just seemed like overkill. I said "Thank You" when you gave it to me and, for a child, that should be enough. I think my mom did the thank you notes for my hs graduation, I was having too much fun at all the grad parties. :rolleyes: But for college, I gave myself a 2 week deadline. I think anything past 4 weeks, you should say "We're trying to help the environment by saving paper." Even that bit of lameness would be more acceptable than a card in the mail 5 months later.

Oh, I disagree. "Better late than never was" . . .but with a big ol' apology included!

Getting a lame thank you note is almost as bad as not getting one at all. A few years ago, my boss was pregnant and I spent more than I would have on a present. She dropped off the thank you on my desk, and is said something bland like "Thanks for the present. We are really looking forward to this new time in our lives." It's important to at least personalize it, people!

And as far as the "no thank you note, no more gifts" rule, I've started doing that. My sister in law is awful - not even a text message thank you and she leaves the present at her parents' house. Now she gets a card for birthdays, etc.

My mom's rule was "You don't get the gift until you send a thank you"

Am I the only one who always got a package of Thank You notes in my Christmas stocking? :confused:

May we go back to this for a moment.

I was under the impression - perhaps wrongly, which is why I am asking - that you were only "obligated" to give one present to the couple (bride). You could elect to do so at a shower, prior to the wedding (say via a bridal registry for example), present the gift at the service or at the reception, or perhaps right after the wedding.

Is the concept of giving multiply gifts based on attendance or by invitation?

For example, how does it work if you were invited to a shower and to the wedding, but you were unable to attend the wedding. Are you obligated to give two gifts? What if you were able to attend the wedding but unable to attend the shower. Still two gifts?

Frankly, it seems rather crass and greedy to expect two separate gifts for the same reason - matrimony.