First time writing a rec...
 

So I have a question for the older alums out there who write recommendations regularly.

I've been asked for the first time to write a recommendation for a young woman. It's no one I know personally - a friend of a friend kind of situation. I have no hesitations writing this person a rec, as she sounds like a great candidate and I know at the school she's going to she will definitely need recs for every org and doesn't yet have one for mine. I'm happy to do a favor. But...

When you're contacted by a parent and asked to write a rec, what kind of information do you need to ask for? It's sort of an awkward situation but obviously I need enough info on the girl to write a rec. I don't know how much her mother knows about recruitment (just got an email saying "I still desperately need recs for XYZ and ABC") so I don't know exactly how to phrase my response to the parent.

Feel free to PM me if you feel more comfortable with that.

I would ask for the girl's resume to be followed up with an interview if necessary especially if you don't know the girl.



I have written many recommendations for Kappa and Carnegie Mellon. I would never write a Carnegie Mellon reference without an interview and resume, no matter how well I know the applicant. I have even written character references for 2 neighbor boys going before their Eagle Scout Boards of Review. Even though I have known both boys for years and knew what they did for ECs and jobs, the resume helped me tie everything together. Even though these are all different types of recommendations, the principle is the same. When asked by my son's Scoutmaster, I will serve on the troop Boards of Review to interview the Scouts striving for their next rank.

If the girl is too far away to meet up for coffee/ice cream/lunch somewhere, I'd want to talk to her on the phone.

The first time is always the hardest! ;)

I don't know what's on your rec sheets, but I always start out the interview (in person or telephone) by saying that you're going to ask some embarrassing questions, and that the more honest they are about answering them, the easier it will be. I've even asked for a resume, much like KSUViolet, and told the ladies what you need to know.

I always ask for a resume and a picture (which I send with the rec). It would not be unusual at all to, at least, talk with her on the phone. I would just "chat" with her to get to know her better. It would be an opportunity to find out why she chose to go to that college, why she is going Greek, what dorm, etc. In a way, it will be a dry run for opening round of rush! If you can get to know her a little bit on the phone, it will be easier to make her rec more personal.

As stated earlier, the first few are the hardest!

agree with what everyone has said so far.after you have read her resume, try to meet her for a coffee if you can, or speak with her on the phone.

Ask for a grade transcript, even an unofficial one. And don't forget to ask for parents' names, addresses, if they are members of GLOs...and what they do for a living! Also any other GLO relatives. And I also ask the roommate's name...you never know, it might come in handy.

Ask the mother to have the young lady contact you directly so you can get more information. This is a good time for the daughter to start getting used to dealing with adults on a regular basis.

Why would a rec writer need to know these things? If recs are due early, the PNM probably won't even know who her roommate will be.

The advice everyone has given is excellent. Respond to the parent saying you will be happy to write a recommendation, but you would like to meet the daughter first. Ask her to bring a resume and picture.

Try to keep in mind that you are doing your sorority a favor. Be specific in your letter - saying she is sweet and involved will do nothing for her or them. Give details so they will be able to connect her with a sister who has similar interests. Depending on the school, a picture can be very helpful, and they are often not allowed to directly ask for one.

True that. I didn't even know who my freshman year roommate was until the weekend before school started.

Aside from sheer curiosity, I still feel that asking what your parents' occupations are is kinda creepy and I roll my eyes at Panhellenic applications who still ask for that. :rolleyes:

Thanks for the advice guys! Feel free to keep it coming!

I am in the same case! I have been asked to write two recs as of yet, and both are women I know, but I don't the little details like grades and stuff.

I really don't know how to approach to subject without seeming rude!

Just like the many discussions on competitive rush elsewhere on GC, the recs (and what is included or not included) varies based on where the rec is going. The OP says that recs are very important for her pnm so this info is pertinent.

Many many pnm's at campuses like Texas, Arkansas, Alabama know their roommates early in the spring - if they choose to select a roommate. If they go "potluck" they still know who they are rooming with by May.

With regards to knowing the "extra" info, this is another way to help actives identify the pnm. During rec sessions (which can be grueling and long at campuses where 800+ girls go through) mentioning who the name of her roommate, or what dorm she lives in, etc is helpful.

Working to make your rec standout amid the sea of other recs, thus helping your pnm stand out amid the sea of pnm's is often just as important as what the pnm's do themselves. Sorry, it's a fact.

I have been known to draw keys and fleur de lis all around the border of my recs to get their attention!

What they do for a living: can they afford all the expenses (especially if the chapter has a house). A lot of students DO already know who their roommate is; in fact, I'd say most of them do.
Also, if the parents went to college, ask where.

Oh! That's right...Mommy and Daddy pay for everything! And appearances are always as they seem! A friend of mine's mom is a high school English teacher and her dad is a retired cop. My dad is a scientist at NASA and my mom owns her own Physical Therapy practice. One might assume based on the job titles that my family has more disposable income, but I can assure you the opposite is true.
ETA: Said friend joined a "good" chapter at an SEC school.

Please, do you mean to tell me that this question is actually asked to see "if they can pay dues" and not as a measure of who would fit in based on how rich of a family they come from? I don't buy that excuse. Every chapter has the right to select their members by any criteria they want, but if that's how you choose your sisters, you deserve what you get.
My experience is from a campus with a serious lack of housing problem, but I'm pretty sure the universal deadline to send in your acceptance and deposit is May 1 (unless you're doing early decision). I think I've read on some threads on GC some chapters on certain campuses like to have recs by June. My school didn't send out roommate assignments until mid August (2 weeks before move-in). Even if you request to live with someone, there's no guarantee you'll get matched with them. So unless the school guarantees requests and sends out assignments early, how could they know?

I think the "what the parents do for a living" topic varies from campus to campus. I haven't heard it mentioned outloud in a rec session unless it is noted because mom or dad is someone that they might know like the head football coach's daughter, the head of the Komen Foundation, big alum, etc. But that may not be the case elsewhere, nor does it make it wrong.

Haven't you ever been introduced to someone or been told about someone( for a job, date, etc) and had lots of seemingly random info at your disposal? "I want you to meet Ted. He works with my friend at XYZ and lives about two blocks from XYZ" It is a way to identify someone, not necessarily label him.

In either case, I have to say (AGAIN) that recruitment tactics and what chapters use for membership selection is often unique to that campus or type of recruitment. It is not very sisterly to be hypercritical of other's process ( quote "If that's how you choose your sisters,you get what you deserve") The OP just wanted some help from alums who write recs like she needs to write.

And yes, at some universities, freshmen know their roommates in the spring, they make room selections by the end of May...definitely.

If mom and/or dad are so notable, then why would you have to ask?
I think there are plenty of ways to identify a person without mentioning what mom and dad do for a living.
First of all, my comment was not directed toward the OP, but AnchorAlumna and anyone else who asks for parents' occupations when writing recs.

Second, if you read my post, I prefaced the comment you misquoted by saying, "Every chapter has the right to select their members by any criteria they want..." I wasn't saying that it should be against the policy of campus Panhellenics or HQs to ask for and include parents' occupations (not like you could regulate the content of recs even if you wanted to), but merely, if that's how they want to choose their sisters, they'll get what is coming to them.

If you want to emphasize a PNM's ability to pay dues, you might mention whether she had a job in high school, if she is a financially responsible person, has she been saving up to pay dues, etc. or just flat out, "I know she will be able to pay dues." Plus, there are other cues that would indicate that a family is wealthy, if that's all you care about, like frequent world travel, having a debutante ball, owning a horse, etc. Mommy and Daddy's occupations do not necessarily indicate disposable income and it involves making A LOT of assumptions (that mom and dad are paying for dues).
Good to know. Said universities should talk to Maryland about expediting the roommate-matching process.

VP -
I understand that you are offended by the "what her parents do" issue. But I think you are reading too much into it and giving this one teeny tiny bit of info way too much weight in the process. I really have to say that I do not think it is that prevalent of a topic for recs and/or rec sessions. Like I stated, I have not seen it much at all...but if it IS mentioned in a rec or as part of a girl's identifying info, so be it. It is not the end of the world and definitely not the only reason she is cut or invited back. It is potentially just one more way to identify her, learn about her, etc.

I am sorry I misquoted you, but I still think to say, "Every chapter has the right to select their members by any criteria they want, but if that's how you choose your sisters, you deserve what you get." doesn't really foster positive relationships.

I can only comment on my experience with this and the extent (or lack thereof) that this info is used. We can agree to disagree. :)

I may have told this story before, but when I was a PNM and we were chit chatting on the sidewalk before one of the parties, I asked another PNM what her dad did for a living, and she and another PNM is my group exchanged knowing looks.

I was actually only asking because she had moved around quite a bit and I was curious about the career field. But it can be a really loaded question because many people take it to be about income level and social prominence even when it's not asked as such.

Looking back, I would have been better off asking, "was your dad or mom in the Army*?" if that was what I was thinking.

Similarly, I think the rec writer providing the information could give the chapter a lot of valuable information that really wasn't just a proxy for social class but that it would be helpful to provide that context, rather than just the "her dad's a doctor."

*ETA: not that everyone who moves around a lot is in the Army.

Hijacking the thread for a second-

I am writing a rec letter for my cousin for this fall. DG has a form we fill out, and that was all I was going to send to the chapter at her school. However, she sent me her transcripts, a resume, and 3 pictures of herself. Am I supposed to send all that in with my form? Because I was under the impression that she would send that stuff in herself to each house. I don't want to leave them out if I'm not supposed to though! Thoughts??

I can't speak for Delta Gamma, but there does seem to be some duplication at some colleges about what the girls would send to the schools themselves as they registered and what people send along with recs. I would think that the chapter would probably like those things (the transcript, resume, photos) from you even if she does submit it herself though panhellenic because, if nothing else, they'd get it much earlier. And I my experience is that I can't always put everything on the form anyway.

pnms are not supposed to be sending personal information to specific chapters. perhaps they can send the information to the campus panhellenic office and panhellenic distributes it to each chapter, but it is the responsibility of the alumnae writing the recommendations for her to send information to the appropriate chapters.

go ahead and send in the resume,transcript and photos with your rec. form. if the chapter does not want it, they can just detach it from the rec. form.
good luck to your cousin!

Thanks ladies! I am so excited for her and wanted to do this the right way! I'm hoping she'll even share her story with us come this fall-or at least let me share it for her! ;)

Yes, go ahead and send everything with your rec. It has been my experience that the necessity of these extras varies from school to school. Better to send it all than have the chapter feel something is missing. Like FSUzeta said, they can just detach and pitch what they don't want or need.

Crap!! I think I messed this up already! So, I filled out the DG form for sponsorship, and sent in the whole package (pictures, resume, etc) in to the chapter today.
Tonight I got an email from my cousin thanking me for the letter of support-in her words, she can get a rec letter from anyone, but I know her so well, and it means alot. Crap!! Was I supposed to write more??? Like, a whole seperate letter as well? Should I write another letter, as an addendum, and send it in also?

It wouldn't hurt I guess, but don't be too hard one yourself. If you need to do something differently, you've still got time.

Did you already say what campus? Some Greek Chatters could weigh in about what's expected. Apparently, and I haven't seen this for myself, at some campuses multiple recs/letter can be the norm.

You could also try to contact someone at the chapter to see what they'd like and find helpful. Sometimes I think PNMs and their moms decide that more is better, but a recruitment (or membership) chair and adviser could let you know the real deal for that campus.

If the person knows you in real life and can advise about how the rec will be used, so much the better.

I didn't mention the campus yet, but it's USC in California

if i know the pnm well, i always include a letter with the recommendation form and the pnms resume/photo. in a letter i can elaborate on the attributes that the pnm has that would be an asset to the chapter-musical ability, organization skills, time management skills, leadership skills. etc.
(listing those skills reminded me of napoleon dynamite-"nun chuk skills, bow skills....)

i can also explain any honors or scholarships she has been awarded-the name of the award alone does not always explain what the heck it is.

There's a ton of gangs at this school-they all wanted me to join cuz I'm good with a bowstaff....


HA!
Ok then I'm thinking I should send an addendum letter to the chapter. But will I look like, Crazy Alum Lady sending a bunch of different letters at different times??

i would think more like overworked, underpaid alum. lady.