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Older men?
Okay, Im 21, is it wrong for me to like someone who is around 30? http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
<3 Ali ------------------ "...A dynamic sisterhood of powerful and passionate women maintaining uncompromising principles, igniting positive change, and embracing individuality!" Phi Sigma Sigma - Gamma Gamma Chapter --- 1-9-4-6 Doohretsis! Tau Beta Sigma - Delta Omicron Chapter --- Go Golden Chickens! I mean EAGLES! There are only a few good things that came out of Clarion- Chris Kirkpatrick of NSync, Kurt Angle (Pre WWF!) and any PHI SIGMA SIGMA! |
Personally I don't see anything wrong with it.
About two years ago when I was 19, I dated a man who was 29 at the time. We dated for a while and he was a great guy...and it was convenient that he was an assistant coach for a sports team http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif. The only reason why it didn't work out was because he wanted to settle down...do the married thing...and eventually do the family thing. Here I was...just finishing my sophomore year--the last thing on my mind was starting a family! People make a big deal about the age gap yada yada yada, but if both of you are on the same level, then there shouldn't be a problem. |
I don't think that is a big deal. Just realize he may be ready for marriage- bc most men by 30 have dated enough that they know what they are looking for so they aren't going to waste time on someone they can't imagine as a future spouse. This is not true for all 30 yr old men. I think OTW is right- it will work if you are on the same level.
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same as what alphsiglana said
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with it! I am actually in the same situation right now..I'm 21, and the guy I've been seeing is 30..at first it was kind of weird, but he doesn't look or act like hes 30..so..I don't see anything wrong with it, if you like him..age shouldn't be an issue..its only a number http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
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I agree with alphasiglana and XO http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif If two people click age should be just a number. I think it could work. I had a brother who married a XO and they are 10 years apart. I know it doesnt happen all the time but I think it can work.
Kevin |
If you like the guy enough go for it- but don't lower your standards. I personally won't date any guys over 25 bc I am still 19 and I can't even drink legally. I feel comfortable dating men closer in age to me, but definately not younger. I hope this guy makes you happy!!! Best of luck,
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I don't see anything wrong with it. Older guys are more mature anyway...well, most of them are. LOL.
Hootie ------------------ Some follow trends. Others create ledgends.Zeta Delta Chapter of Chi Omega http://www.unomaha.edu/~comega |
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yeah, not all older guys are mature. I think it can go both ways to for older guys and older women. Its just when we're older we've been through more experiences. So we know what we want and most of us have been burned too so that plays a big factor. I think a lot of younger girls in their early twenties arent secure enough or mature enough to date a guy thats 29+. but there are exceptions to the rule I guess, but I think most it is based on maturity. If two people are mature enough it shouldnt matter what anyone thinks and age should be just a number.
Kevin |
I am like soooo self-centered . . . which means I try not to make rules for myself, or blindly follow the rules of others, that arbitrarily limit my happiness!
There are probably several million people in the world that could be the best "ONE" http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/rolleyes.gif as you ladies are so fond of saying. This is highly probable given a population of 6 billion! But the trick is meeting them! And I want to meet them. Which means I need to limit the amount of artifical rules that I make for myself that limit me even giving people a chance. Some people won't date another race . . . there's a few billion people you can't meet in dating context. Or another religion, scratch out millions more . . . Or drum roll please . . . people that are beyond a certain age! My palms are getting sweaty and I'm getting palpitations thinking of all those potentially awesome people I can't even let myself date to find out if they ARE awesome if I follow these artificial rules! Pause while I catch my breath I felt faint for a minute there. If you have to many rules for meeting new people you are just one of those people that won't let yourself be happy! So doom on you for not meeting awesome people, or settling in the end for mediocre, luke warm relationships. Anyway, dating someone older doesn't guarentee they might be more mature, but it does mean they have had more opportunities in sheer time to learn from life, or be a little more financially set. So like a coat, you try them on, and if they don't fit, you take them off! Before you begin to chafe or freeze http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif |
I dunno. It seems to me that people develop a lot between the ages of 19-24. Hell, I'm almost 28, and when I look back to how I was even a year ago, I'm surprised at how much I've grown. Of course, I always think I'm so well developed and mature every year, and every year I prove myself wrong.
But without a doubt being young AND in college is a time for tremendous personal growth. Do you want to spend that time with somebody who isn't on the same level as you emotionally? Regardless of how "mature" they are or how much they seem to get along with you, people who are significantly older just aren't in the same places in their lives. This shouldn't be seen as a BAD thing. In fact, one should wonder about those 30 year olds who AREN'T in a different place in their lives. Just think back a few years. When you were 14 or 15, you probably saw very little wrong with dating a 19 or 20 year old. Not all of them, of course, but there were certain ones that caught your eye. Now that you're 19 or 20, can you really picture yourself with a 14 or 15 year old? Or think of your friends that are of your dating sex preference (ie, for you heterosexual woman, think of your heterosexual male friends). Would you really think it'd be okay for these people to date YOU when you were 14 or 15? So of course NOW you think it's okay for you to date a 30-year-old, but when you're 30 you're going to think differently. You'll realize that if the 30 year old were well adjusted in life, that s/he wouldn't WANT to date someone your age, and that those who DO want to date someone your age have serious issues that are best kept away from impressionable young people. When you're older... say 40 or 50... a 10 year age gap won't make much difference. There will still be differences, of course... for example, one person might be going through the joy of grandchildren while another is just dealing with teenagers in college... but at least they've gotten more of their life views settled. Or if you want to think of it another way... if you're 21 and looking to date significantly older people, you're telling the world that you feel you've matured as much as you're going to. And that's a dangerous position to hold. Not only is it unversally wrong, but it keeps you from being open to all the experiences that are important when you're 21. So when you finally ARE 30, you'll still be stunted. But at least then you can date 21-year-olds. You'll be on their level. |
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It ALL has to do with where you are in life, and we all get to different stages at different times. Some people are always going to act older and some are always going to act younger. It doesn't make them malajusted freaks because they are not filling "25 year old behavior slot." I dated a 35 year old when I was 22 and he didn't look or act in a way that I found unenjoyable, so I really didn't care how old he was. I now have friends (male and female) who are up to 10 years younger than me. I don't think of them as "my young friends" or anything like that. Some people will always act old. Like my friend Beth. She has pretty much acted 40 since she was 12 years old. She dated a high school senior in 7th grade, and it wasn't gross in any way, but most of the guys in our class still liked video games more than girls. That guy that she dated is now her husband and has been for 10 years. Then on the other hand, take Cher. She married a much older man when she was 16 and never got to have an adolescence or young adulthood. So when she and Sonny split up she decided to date younger guys. Does that make her "stunted"? No. No more than it makes you weird if you eat your salad after your steak. Anyway Ali - it depends how the 30 year old acts. If he still likes going out and having fun and hanging out with your friends I would go for it, but if all he wants to do is sit at home and clip coupons cause he just bought a house I would skip it. |
33Girl. Well Said http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif I agree with everything you said. I'm 29 and dont feel much older than 24. I think I will always have a little bit of kid in me. I think the main thing thats changed me is my priorities. Definitely nothings changed with me wanting to have a good time http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif I think it all depends on your mindset and how you look at things.
James-I have to agree with you on not limiting yourself. I think it all depends though in how we are socialized, how we were brought up, and our culture. I think we all tend to date with what the kind of people(race included) that we are most comfortable with. Not that I am racist but thats just the way society is. During school I can remember certin people went with certin groups. I mean in some countries people in general are comfortable about dating anyone but in this country everyone has a certin profile or criteria. Which I admit is wrong but its the way our society is. My sister laws family is puertorican and I took a trip down there with family two years ago. I have to admit latin women are beautiful. But then thats just one country. When I was in college I took a trip with one of my brothers whos chilean and we went down to Chile, South America and that was an unforgetable trip. The women down there are beautiful in so many ways. You never see a fat girl. Not that appearance is everything but I'm being honest. You dont see it. I think it has to do with the fact that they eat fresh foods unlike most of the stuff we eat is processed. P7A77: I undertand you have your opinion and I respect it but it seems a bit judgemental. I can agree with you to a point on dating and college. Granted school is not about dating but I dont think that if your struck with cupid *L* that you should walk away. For some people you only meet that one once in your life. Not that I'm saying you should spend every waking moment of school searching for it but hey dont turn it away http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif I see where your coming from on certin points but I dont necesarily agree with everything your saying. Like 21 year olds wanting to date 14 or 15 year olds. I mean I know where your coming from but to me thats not a very good example. Isnt there a law about dating people under 18? LOL I mean I think a better example of a positive relationship that worked out is Christopher Reeve.(10 years apart I think) How about Michael Douglas and Katherine Zeta Jones. Granted shes at least 30 but there is some diff there. Granted there are people that have lifestyles that will never work with certin people. Thats a given. Most Women dont want sit at home couch potatoes that are unemployed. Granted. But that doesnt mean that a 20 year old girl is going to be doomed if shes dates a 30 year old guy. Its highly unlikely but if it works that doesnt mean shes any less of a person. [This message has been edited by Miami1839 (edited July 27, 2001).] [This message has been edited by Miami1839 (edited July 27, 2001).] [This message has been edited by Miami1839 (edited July 27, 2001).] |
My problem is that I dont think ANY guys are interested in me. I dont know why, but okay... I am a flirt, which just comes naturally to me, and some people flirt back... Oh I dont know, Im just confused tonite... tired and confused... and lonely... the only super good thing in the way of my 'love life' that happened tonite was my best friend's ex who I used to hate, and now were friends... came up to me and said "You look really beautiful right now, I mean it, Im not being sarcastic..." (there I am with my hair in a 'gibson girl' and my stage makeup on...) and hes not hitting on me, cos he thinks he has found the 'one' and shes really nice... but eh... leave it up to my luck that HE is the one who thinks Im beautiful!
OHHHH here we go, theres this guy who used to date my sister, or as my mom puts it, they were friends, they didnt go out much... well he and I went on a few dates, and had fun... and during the show hes hitting on a 17, 18? year old who just graduated... now hes about 22 or 23... he is a play me thinks... cos well he will be on the one side of the stage and putting his arms around me and stuff and then goes over to her... and does the same, He ignores me when shes around, yet, he'll sit there and make eyes at me all the time... on top of this- I think she thinks shes something wonderful cos he pays attn to her.... dont get me wrong shes really really nice... but... -sigh- this crap always happens to me Im going to be 89 years old living in a house with 50 cats and all the kids in the neighborhood will think Im a witch. |
Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, but when you see people who are /always/ dating well outside of their age-group, the exceptions are few and far between.
I don't buy it that there's only one person for everyone. Because if that's the case, what a coincidence that all these 20-year-old girls (and really, at 20, you're not a woman yet) just /happen/ to find them over and over in these older men. Are they finding their "one true love", or are they projecting issues they have with relationships and with their past into these people? I may be coming off a little strong, but it angers me to see post after post of people saying that it's not only okay to date older men, but it should be encouraged! More often than not, the older men involved in these situations have issues with control and probably fantasies about even younger girls. Either that or all the people their age just realized they were complete buffoons not worth their time. The younger women involved in these situations are often blinded by how sweet they are (at first), or how much more financially secure they are than the "boys" their age, or whatever else. Plus, there is always a bit of the "looking for daddy" thing. I'm not saying that relationships with a vast age difference can't work. I'm saying that, in the way our society is, the vast majority of them are misguided and based more on the issues and insecurities the people involved have than on the relationships themselves. To the person who discounted my example of a 21-year-old dating a 14-year-old as not good because it's "against the law" ... that seems a pretty convenient way to discount a perfect good comparison without having to think about it. It's really the same thing, and the relationships exist for the same reasons. Again, just think about it for a minute... maybe /you're/ mature enough to handle dating an older man, but what kind of screwed up people do they have to be to even WANT to date younger women? Would YOU date a 14-year-old? I sure hope not. Think about yoru reasons for not wanting to, and apply them for why you shouldn't date someone significantly older, at least not at the age you are now. I guarantee that most of these older men have a pattern of dating younger women, too. Is it just an extreme coincidence that they always happen to find their "soulmates" in this age group? Or are there really much deeper and more disturbing issues at play here? Whenever you have a pattern in your life, the issue /isn't/ everyone else. There's only one constant: YOU. So the women who are always dating older men aren't doing it because they happen to find the qualities they like in older men. They're doing it because they have issues and work them out with this age group. The men who always date younger women are doing it because they have SERIOUS issues about women in general, and can more easily emotionally and physically manipulate the impressionable high school and college girls. A relationship is a reflection of yourself. What you like about others are reflections of yourself. So, again, it's not that you just happen to find what you want in an older man, it's that your inability to deal with certain issues causes you to /need/ an older man, and all that it represents. But maybe the problem isn't you. Maybe the problem isn't that all men your age are idiots. Maybe the problem is that you're looking in the wrong places. I've known a lot of people in a lot of different age groups, and I see the same qualities in all these age groups. I know people will take this last line and say that there's a reason why it's okay to date older, and I say, again, that the older men that are good people and well adjusted don't /want/ to date younger women (and not even to the "well, I don't want to, but you're so special!" stage, because the well-adjusted men don't let themselves get to that point). So since the older men you want to date also want to date you, that's big flashing neon sign number one that that's not a good person with whom to be. But back to the point, all people are not the same, but people who /are/ the same tend to congregate. If you keep going to the same "dating pool" and finding the same sorts of people, don't think that /all/ people of that age group are the same. Think that you need to look somewhere else. Or think that you need to look inside yourself and figure out why you keep picking the same sorts of people. And I know I'm coming off as a broken record, but I seem to have been misunderstood before, so I just want to make sure. The reason that all men your age that you date aren't good for you is the same reason the older men you date aren't good for you either. It's not the men. It's you. They're both different sides of the same coin. To say that you can't find what you want in your own agegroup is a cop-out. If you can't come to terms with why you keep getting in failed relationships and what it says about yourself, what makes you think you'll just happen to find the perfect guy who's a little bit older? It's not the men. It's you. The patterns are caused by you, and the same aspects of your personality that cause you to pick bad younger men will cause you to pick bad older men, too. You just might not realize it as quickly, and that's where the danger lies. PS. "your" is a posssessive pronoun; "you're" is a contraction of "you are". http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif |
I don't see anything wrong with a 10 year age difference in adults--but, that said--no matter how mature you are and how immature the 30 year old is, there are still going to be big differences. Your lives are in different places, your life experience is in different places.
My good guy friend who is 35 is dating a 24 year old and though he is attracted to her and likes her all he does is complain about this and complain about that and I have to take HER side and remind him that what he's complaining about is basically that she's 24 and does not have the life experience to relate to him on the level he needs her to. That said, I am 32 and recently met a 40 year old i was into. But it became pretty clear pretty quickly that he was too old for me--he was of a totally different generation and way too old fashioned for me. My rule of thumb is--best if you were in high school at the same time--a 3 year gap--you'll be able to relate to the same things. 3 years up or 3 years down is safe. |
I actually agree with you - although it may be hard to swallow. I dated a 25 year old guy when I was 18. I didn't think much of it at the time. However, now I am 25 and if some guy I knew started chasing 18 year olds I'd want to have a good talk with him. You are really in VERY different places in your life from each other at those ages and it's really not good.
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Amy,
I can understand where your coming from. Yeah, H.S. is the ideal time. P7A77, I respect your opinions, but no offense they seem a little extreme and exagerated to me. I think its wrong for a guy or a girl over 18 to be interested in anyone younger than that. Not only is it wrong its illegal. Even though I see where your coming from Kevin [This message has been edited by Miami1839 (edited July 30, 2001).] |
Well, at least I'm starting to get some support... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
amycat and veruca, thank you for saying what I was trying to say. Your posts were much more succinct and straightforward. amycat's rule of thumb is a pretty good one, and for good reasons. veruca is saying what I was trying to say from the start. But heck, even when you're older, it can be tough. My mother started dating a man in his 50s when she was in her 40s. It was generally okay. They were in related fields, knew each other professionally, and were generally as well developed. Well, now my mom's in her early 50s and her boyfriend is in his 60s. He's ready to retire. He's completely burned out on his career and wants to move west and play golf all the time. She's burned out on hers (and actually just made a drastic career switch), but my brother just had a child, so she wants to spend the next ten or fifteen years watching her grandson grow up. So even 30 years down the line from what we're talking about here, it creates problems. Granted, they're not the same sort of problems (and not nearly as destructive), but amycat's rule of thumb still applies. Miami... you say it's "wrong" for someone over 18 to date someone under 18, but /why/ is it wrong? What are your reasons? Saying "just because" or "it's illegal" isn't a reason. If you think about it for a while and go a few reasons deep (ie, think of the reasons for your reasons until you get to the true heart of the issue), I think you'll see that, at least as far as the early 20s are concerned, it's the same thing. Or to go the other way... most everyone here is saying it's perfectly fine for a 20-year-old to date a 30-year-old. That's ten years! What's wrong with a 20-year-old dating a 14-year-old? That's only six years. On top of that, 14 is a copule of years past puberty for most people, and a lot of people have already started experimenting sexually by then, at least with kissing and flirting. So since age is just an arbitrary number, there should be no problem with a 14-year-old who feels she's way more mature and developed than everyone around her dating that cute 20-year-old college boy. I mean, he's in college! And he's so sweet! He buys her presents, picks her up at her middle school (since she can't drive, anyway), and is more on her level emotionally. It makes sense, doesn't it? [This message has been edited by P7A77 (edited July 30, 2001).] |
About a woman, not being a woman at 20... technically a girl becomes a woman around age 13ish... which its going down to sometimes around age 8... (some anatomy lessons may help you here)
If youre talking maturity, every one matures differently, but its true that females mature faster than males, which may be why women tend to fall for older men... because the ones their own age are mentally younger... I mean, I have no problem with ages, I dont mind guys my age, but some girls may not find the beer drinking steriotypical college male to be a mental match... but the tad bit older man, may just be a match. I understand peoples feelings on the whole 'sugar daddy' idea... dating an older man for money, sex etc is wrong, but if youre in it for the right reasons its fine. DOUBLE STANDARDS ARE A BITCH... which was my motto for the year... If a woman dates an older man, he is her sugar daddy, or it is 'morally' wrong... Yet if a man dates an older woman, he's concidered a god... Explain to me this? The statutory rape issues about dating someone under 18 can have some double standard issues too... typically aganst males dating females. But as long as you are not having sex, or doing any sexual acts, it isnt statutory rape... seeing as you are in no way raping the minor. There is the corruption of a minor charge that can come into play though... depending on what some people will view as corruption.... (example, if you are dating a 17 year old, and you are say 20, and you take him/her to a party and they drink, or whatever... there you go...) I know Im rambling, but people make me angry, and I love to argue... P7A77, dont go thinking that everyone in the world has to have an alterior motive in a relationship! One of my friends is 20 and she married a 35 year old, yes they are married, and no he is not having fantasies of a young girl... And are you so down on the 'soulmate' thing because you havent found one? I mean, I dont believe in ONE specific person, I think there are many that a person will fit well with... but how do you know that some 22 year old might not find love with a 35 year old? My sister's parents are 15 years apart. They have been married for over 25 years... And then theres mine, who are less than a year apart, and they argue all the time... Love dosent know age, color or religion, you cant help who you fall in love with... make mistakes, were human arent we? Eventually we will all find someone... Omnia Vincet Amor! Ali ------------------ "...A dynamic sisterhood of powerful and passionate women maintaining uncompromising principles, igniting positive change, and embracing individuality!" Phi Sigma Sigma - Gamma Gamma Chapter --- 1-9-4-6 Doohretsis! Tau Beta Sigma - Delta Omicron Chapter --- Go Golden Chickens! I mean EAGLES! There are only a few good things that came out of Clarion- Chris Kirkpatrick of NSync, Kurt Angle (Pre WWF!) and any PHI SIGMA SIGMA! |
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P7A777 - Put down the Psychology 101. Take a nice bubble bath. Open up your heart and let the sun shine in. Nothing more tiresome than a feminist who puts down other females. "It's not the men it's you"?!?! Come ON. If we all ever got as evolved as you think we should be, we'd be curing cancer on the fifth moon of Neptune. I don't think Ali ever said she thought the 30 year old was Mr Perfect Man and here you are getting on her s&$t. Jerks are jerks whether they be 16 or 60. My boyfriend is 6 years older than me and used to date a woman 10 years older than him. I guess we're all just bloody warped. p.s. Ali, you and your 30 year old can come over to my place any time. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif |
I think I've said more than I should on the subject. I'll say right now that I wasn't attacking AngelPhiSig, really, but just frustrated at all the attitudes I saw /after/ her post. But just to address a few specifics...
AngelPhiSig - Yes, people mature at different rates. If you want to be technical, all the little Jewish boys and girls are "adults" at age 13. Hand 'em a gun and a beer and send 'em off to war! No, I do not think girls become women just when puberty sets in. A girl becomes a girl going through puberty when puberty sets in. There are still plenty of biological changes that happen all the way through high school and college. Hell, biological changes happen in your 50s. Is the criteria for being an "older woman" just the physical act of going through menopause? A girl is not a woman until her early to mid 20s partially because there's still a lot of mental growing that has to happen (both physically and "spiritually" (not in the religous sense)). The process /starts/ at age 12 or so, but doesn't even begin to finish until at least 10 years from then. To look at it another way... I started college when I was 18. Does that mean I was automatically a graduate? While I may be more similar to graduates than I had been a few years previous, I still wasn't at that point, even though the process had started. Make sense? As to the "beer drinking steriotypical college male" ... that goes exactly to my point about looking in the wrong places. I went through my entire college career hardly associating with that type at all. If that's the only type of person you're encountering (or even if it's just a simple majority), then you are absolutely looking in the wrong places. Hell, if you want to go the other way, I could say that men shouldn't date women their age because they don't want the stereotypical beauty and apparel obsessed college women. Again, not saying that's the case, because hardly any women I knew fell into that category, but I saw plenty of circles where it /was/ the norm. If you're finding the same types of people all the time, then the issue is you're looking for the same type of person, and that will carry through no matter what the age. The characteristics that make someone a beer drinking idiot at 22 will just manifest themselves differently at 32. I won't comment much on the "double standard" because I don't believe I set one. The issue here was of a younger woman dating an older man. I feel the same issues apply to younger men dating older women, or younger men dating older men, or whatever. People are people. Gender roles are societal constructs. As to your 20 year old friend who married a 35 year old ... come back to me in 30 years, when he's got one foot in the grave and she's going through the revitalization process that many women in their 50s experience. How the heck can either of them possibly be there for each other on the level that each other need? I absolutely agree that there's no "one" specific person for anybody, which is why I think dating older simply because people your age are idiots is a bad, bad idea. As to whether or not I've found a "soulmate" ... I've been with the same person for five years, and have been married for over three. It feel like we've been together for an eternity, but at the same time it feels like just a few weeks. In other words, it's a solid, lasting relationship, but still fresh and new and fun. We've already been through so much together, and we were able to help each other out because we were both at similar places in our lives, physically, mentally, and emotionally. We both dealt with the post-college blues at the same time. We both dealt with false-starting our careers at the same time. All of that. Yes, if I had found someone older I could have had the experience of that person to help me, but it wouldn't have been quite the same. On top of that, what would I have been able to give that person going through things later in life? Sure, a sympathetic ear, and the understanding that I would have for that person, but neither of us would ever be /quite/ on the same level. 33girl - I can see how I'm coming off as putting down women. As I said before, it's just because the specific question was about a younger woman dating an older man. I'm not putting down women, I'm putting down people who get in bad relationships. But you're right ... jerks are jerks no matter what the age. Which again goes back to my point that if you're finding only jerks your own age, chances are you're going to find jerks at another age. But the novelty and difference of a serious age gap will mask it better for longer. Well, so much for being brief. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif Again, I'm not trying to put down anyone specifically ... I just have some strong feelings on this subject, and for a few differnet reasons (as are either readily apparent or are making me seem schizophrenic). And now hopefully I really *am* done with the subject. Oh, and it's "ulterior", not "alterior" ... |
P7A77:
I said I like to argue, I never said I could spell. To everyone else... Yay Im at 163 posts...lol... # of intelegent thought provoking posts: many # of fun posts to come: hehe |
Its funny, I was talking to a friends mother a couple years ago, she's in her 60's now (don't tell her I told you she'll kill me) and is a single mother with a successful business living in Manhattan. And this guy called her out of the blue from California, a guy that had helped her son out when he went to U of P(where they filmed "The All-nighter" I believe). As fate would have it she was supposed to be traveling out there and they agreed to meet. She was very excited. She had sent him pictures and in tones of excitement she commented that she hoped that they didn't make her look fat. Then she kind of wanted reassurance on something: Someone had called her work and didn't immediately identify themselves (sounded like the guy might have been playing around on the phone being funny) she was in the middle of a business call and just hung-up on the person. Then she realized it was probably that guy, so she called her brother to ask what he thought and he said he would never talk to a woman again after that . . . they eventually met and didn't hit it off, he looked to old for her lol.
It was a conversation about the beginning of a relationship I could have had back in high school with a girl, or in college now . . . or even with someone in their 60's. And the Brother's response is something I could see one of my chapter brother's saying now . .. with 40 years difference in age and experience. I think we throw words like maturity around without defining them. I am not sure we change on the inside all that much, especially where are emotions and relationships are concerned. P7A77, had a good point when she said that people tend to repeat their bad relationships or there relationship patterns over and over again . . . how is this possible if we are miraculously supposed to mature as we grow older? Obviously some people never overcome their various neurosis, some people do, and some people never have them . . . but it all happens, or doesn't, in their own time that isn't matched to an arbitrary age. And as far as the social things which is what we are really talking about, like more money, a nicer car, maybe more ready to settle down (that’s a big maybe), I am not sure that makes people all that different on the inside. Unless they have made those toys or a title a part of themselves which I consider a lessening of the person. Lets change tracts for a second. Raise your hand if you saw the movie Notting Hill will Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts. He was a small bookstore owner from England and she was a Movie Star as big as well Julia Roberts. The differences in their lives and experiences were so great as to be like they were from different planets. Much greater than any piddling age thing would be. At one point in the film they are having a conversation after having had many problems because of their different lifestyles. Julia wants to keep seeing Hugh, but Hugh is reluctant for some of the same basic reasons that have been cited here but with different words. Her life is too different, she is in such a different place, doomed to failure, she'll get bored with him etc. But then she says something profound: (talking about all the awards, the fame, the accolades) "The fame thing isn’t real, you know. Don’t forget—I’m also just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her." It made me pause and think. And I thought it summed up a lot of our problems. We forget that at our core we are just boys and girls trying to build quality relationships, great experiences, and have value in life. So when I say go for it, to AngelPhiSig, I am saying that if as a girl she is attracted to a boy then she should pursue it. Let everything else take care of itself. Will the relationship work forever? Probably not because most don't work forever. But that doesn't mean she might not have some great experiences in the meantime. Will everyone blame the age thing if it doesn't work? Probably, it’s the easiest thing to blame even if it isn't the whole story. But hey its easier to follow stereotypes than have to think. [This message has been edited by James (edited August 04, 2001).] |
James, Bravo http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
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------------------ University of Alabama--- ROLL TIDE!!!!! |
Thanks guys, its nice to be appreciated http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
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I'm 23 years old. In less than two months I'm getting married . . . to a 30 year old man.
Is our relationship perfect? no. no relationship is perfect. Are we perfect for each OTHER? Yes. I've never in my life felt more in tune with another human being. This man is my soul mate, I have no doubt what-so-ever that this is true. We've lived together for over 2 years now--unmarried (duh) and have learned so much from one another. We throw around the word 'maturity' so easily, but maturity isn't based on age. Maturity is based on experience. Now we can generalize and say that no 23 year old woman has more experience than her 30 year old future husband. But I've seen and experienced things that my future husband hasn't even come close to experiencing. Who's to say that I don't know about life. I found a man who loves me for who I am, the fact he's 30 and I'm 23 has nothing to do with anything. He's not at a different place in his life than I am. We're not looking for different thing. We aren't 'idealistic'. He's not my sugar daddy. I'm not his young play thing. I've heard all the generalizations--nothing surpises me anymore. I know what we've got, and I don't have to explain that to anyone. So sweetie--you follow your heart because YOU are the only one who knows what's best for you. You need to go for what you want in life--because it's not going to be handed to you. [This message has been edited by mgdzkm433 (edited August 06, 2001).] |
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I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se, but unless you plan on just casually dating this person, it's important to know what you want out of the relationship. I have twice dated men 6 years my senior--once in high school and once just recently. The first time, I knew it would be a short-term gig, because why would a grown man really want to be with a high-schooler (even a super mature one) unless he had some emotional/maturity issues? I liked the fact he had is own place though http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif. The second one I figured would be long-term, because I'm only interested in long-term/permenant, stable relationships at this point, so at his age, I figured he was too. Partially wrong, because he was a bit set in his ways and a wee bit lazy http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif, but one of the only times I noticed the difference in age was when we were talking about the first movie we'd seen as youngsters without our parents. His was "Saturday Night Fever." http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif and I think I was in elementary school. Again, the real key is to determine what your goals are for dating a person that may have different long-terms relationship goals than yourself. When the age difference occurs makes a difference too. It seems that generally the older you are, the less issues dating someone older seems to have, although if you're 30, single, no kids and a blossoming career and your potential is 39, bitterly divorced with two young children in his custody, that may be more than you're interested in even if you have the same long-term goals---and then again, maybe not. |
Just two thoughts -- and neither is very deep...
My oldest daughter married a young man her age when she was a senior and he was just graduated from college. They are divorced. I'm not sure either of them was mature enough to put up with the other's immaturity. Make sense? Tomorrow she is marrying a man about fifteen years her senior. I feel much more comfortable. My sister-in-law is married to a man who is twenty years older than she. He is now approaching what we would consider "old" and beginning to experience health problems. She is "middle aged" and will probably outlive him by a long time. I'm sure that is something she does not like to think about -- but they have had nearly thirty years of very happy married life to this point. Nothing wrong with that. DeltAlum |
Interesting discussion.
I've noticed relationships emerge in contexts where a shared intellectual endeavor was the basis -- the common ground -- that made an age gap somehow more digestable. It's a curious phenomenon. Many men like younger women b/c they can appear more innocent; less world weary; more open to new experiences. (Hold those flames: I don't mean to overgeneralize -- to the contrary, these assumptions often turn out poorly for the person who depends on such goofy assumptions; c.f. Nabokov and the Lolita effect.) When I was younger and surfed all day for a living, I sometimes spent time in the company of older women. I've been in good commited relationships with women my own age. And now that I teach, I have occasion to be in the company of younger women. I suspect that being true to one's own heart is not a bad way to live. Cheers. |
DeltAlum--- So how old is your sister-in-law? I ask b/c, if she was 20(which is young) when they got married and they've had close to 30yrs. of marriage that would make her approaching 50 and he 70? Sorry, just trying to figure this one out http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
------------------ University of Alabama--- ROLL TIDE!!!!! |
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But I have something that tops that. Mom was only 21 when she married Dad...and dad was 54. They endured a lot of crap when they got married, but the 20 years they were married shushed all the critics. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif |
wow, 21 and 54, that's crazy. it's great that it worked out though. my grandpa was 15 years older than my grandma, and they were very happily married for close to 30 years. i had a friend in junior high whose parents were 20 years apart. they're still married, but their really wierd, i mean REALLY wierd.
------------------ Steve Corbin Lambda Chi Alpha Theta Kappa Chapter Rose-Hulman Inst. of Tech. |
My mom is 10 yrs. older than my stepdad and their 14th anniversary is coming up on Feb. 14th!! So, it's a little different since my mom is the older one http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif They have a great marriage though and I love them both!!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
------------------ University of Alabama--- ROLL TIDE!!!!! |
Teeny and Tide...
I'm not sure of the exact ages, but you're pretty close. Probably within a couple of years. She had just finished a Masters and he was/is a practicing lawyer. They worked for the same firm when they met. BTW, maybe they've only been married 28 years or whatever, but the point is the same. DeltAlum |
When I was an active brother one of our alums who was pushing almost 30 started dating a XO (19) and now their still happily married. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
Kevin [This message has been edited by Miami1839 (edited August 09, 2001).] |
DeltAlum,
Thats great about the many years of marriage your sister-in-law enjoyed. Some people go through their whole life unmarried but then I guess its not for everyone I suppose. Kevin |
This is off the original topic a little--but we're talking about ages here. My grandmother of 79 just married a 86 year old man in March. I just think that is so cool! If my grandfather were still alive, they'd have celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary this past February. My mom was 18 and my dad was 19 when they got married--young by today's standards--and they just celebrated their 35th anniversary in July. ok--so I'm proud . . . http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif
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