I need serious advice on my relationship
 

Just so the mods know. I'm not a troll, I'm a real serious person. I post on here quite often, sometimes daily under my normal user name. I just don't want my user name to be associated with this thread. Thanks for understanding.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years, pretty much all through college. He graduated last year, and wants me to move in with him after I graduate from college this year. He's working on his masters right now, which will also be my future plans. We both think it would be a great idea to move in together to save on rent and other living expenses. He's a great guy, and I know he's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, but we want to wait until we're all done with school before we get married.

Seems simple, but here's where the problem comes in. He has a fraternity brother he already rooms with, but he wants me to move in too, because the rent would be less for me. I've met his friend a few times, and he seems to be really nice, but I think I would feel kind of awkward living with two guys. My question is do you guys think I should move in after graduation, or do you think it's a bad move? Do any of you live with your significant others? What's it like?

I'm posting this on here because over the years that I've posted on greekchat, I've seen great advice given.

Thanks.:)

Personally, I don't think cohabitation is a good idea. Do you absolutely need to save money or do you absolutely need to test the milk before you buy the cow? If you two are just saving on living expenses, that's a financial arrangement that can quickly turn into a disaster of a relationship/platonic roommate situation.

As far as his roommate, I wouldn't want to live with two dudes who aren't relatives of mine. Wouldn't have wanted to do it as an undergrad and certainly wouldn't want to do it as a grown woman college graduate with a boyfriend who is in grad school.

Naughty co-eds. :)

Of course it could all work out for the best. Good luck with whatever you decide. Just make sure that YOU and your boyfriend have no regrets and minimal apprehension with whatever you decide.

Cute sockpuppet name!

I still have my own place, but am at my BF's apartment quite often. I have my own drawer, toothbrush, etc. here, but there are many instances where I am thankful that I still have my own home. Of course he and I haven't been dating as long as you two have, so us moving in together isn't in the plan anytime soon.

Living with two guys might be hard. While he's a guy you get along with, that may very well change once the two of you are under the same roof. In the event you and your boy get into an argument, there's no guarantee he'll stay out of it -- and you know he'll take his side. After all, they're brothers.

True, you'd be saving $$$ on rent and living expenses, but personally? I wouldn't do it. I'd wait awhile. Spend some time with your BF and his brother and see how living with them is like before you commit to moving in.

Good luck with your decision, whatever that may be!

I see no problem with moving in with your boyfriend, but I would not recommend moving in with him and his roommate. If you really need to save money, move in with some girls and spend as much time at your boyfriend's as you want. But living together is very, very different than when you have separate places and your relationship should grow and change through the process. You might need the "space" to adapt to your new situation and if there's a 3rd person in the mix, the two of you won't have as much freedom to sort out what you'll need to sort out.

It's nice he's looking to save you money, but if he really wants to live with you, he should get rid of his male roommate and live with just you. Plus, you and your boyfriend might do ok, but what if the male roommate doesn't like the changes around the place and gets mad that now he's the odd man out in his own apartment? Your bf might get torn between you and a guy he knows really well and has already lived with. Or you might be the odd man out because they already have a "rhythm" of living together and you either need to find a way to fit in or you might throw it all off. It just seems fraught with too many downsides, IMO. Wait until the two of you are ready and able to just live with each other, if you're going to do it.

OR, it could be like JD, Turk and Carla on "Scrubs". All you need now is a stuffed dog.

I can't say that this is a good idea. Cohabitation didn't work for me, but I'm not against it for other people. What concerns me, however, is that you'd be living not just with your man, but with someone else as well. Basically, your relationship--and all the private details of it--will be on display 24/7. Do you really want that? Do you think your relationship could survive that?

Saving money is nice, but you can do that with female roommates of your own, keeping your personal space and coming over to his place whenever you feel like it. You're only just out of school--you have the rest of your life to live with him if it works out the way you want.

I'm inclined to agree with everyone else that has posted. I lived with my ex-boyfriend and my best friend in a very small apartment, and while it wasn't a bad living situation, I definitely had to work overtime to please both parties, and this may or may not be an added stress that your boyfriend would be willing to undertake.
However, my ex and I did break up after living together because he went back to school and the distance was too hard, we had grown apart while living together, more as best friends that just didn't see eye to eye anymore. (just my personal experience)
I have also lived with other guys (try 7 in a house with one other girl besides myself) and it was fun, but we were much younger and I wasn't involved with any of them. It was definitely difficult to clean up after them, and had roommate fights with them from time to time (we all did).

My point is, living with other people can be difficult, no matter the circumstances and why add relationship drama to the mix? (not that there would necessarily be drama with the bf, but the potential is fairly great)

It might be better to live with some other people to split the cost in the meantime and spend time together on the regular, see how things go, he's also in grad school and you're just starting out after graduation. I know it's been a difficult transition time for me and my friends and sisters since graduation, so strengthening your relationship and working on yourself might be for the best.
Good luck!

I'm with everyone who said it probably isn't the best idea to move in w/ your guy (and his current roomie).

After college, I had a similar situation to yours - dating a guy for several years, had plans to marry, etc. but after college, I wanted my own place.

I did move in with him temporarily until I got my first gig post-school, but I immediately got an apartment of my own after that.

I did spend most of my time at his place after I moved out and had a section of the closet, a toothbrush, etc, like OTW mentioned, but it was nice to have a retreat of my own b/c since we were both right out of college he had a smaller apartment and sometimes I just wanted to be on my own for a little bit.

I will also say that 3 or 4 months after I moved into my own place, we ended the relationship .... so having my own place didn't make it all awkward whereas if I was living with him, I probably would have had to move out at that point. I'm not saying that your relationship is doomed, just saying it was nice to already have a place of my own and not suddenly be forced into that position, ya know?

If you absolutely need to save money (or live in an insanely expensive area) get a female roomie and move into your own place.

Moving in with your boyfriend might be ok. But moving in with boyfriend and roommate is a deal breaker for me. Could you handle living with two guys and all their habits, cleanliness issues, etc? Do you know the roommate and if so, how well do the two of you get along?

Premarital cohabitation is statistically bad for couples who eventually get married. It seems particularly burdensome for women, and adding another man into the mix would probably increase that burden. In my opinon you should stay seperate unless and until you decide to get married. Financial constraint is never a reason to move in with your boyfriend- you can always get roomates.

I totally agree. The finances alone could ruin it for you. What if something happens with one of your financial sitches and rent ends up being shaky for a month? Two months? Think of the fights that could cause. What if you two get into a fight? That could put the other guy in an uncomfortable sitch and he'll be forced to choose sides and we all know he won't choose you. He could be uncomfortable period--you and your bf have been together for a long time. This would be a good test of what it would be like for the two of you to see what marriage would be like...learning to work together and deal with each other's habits. But throwing another guy into the mix takes all that away and complicates everything. I, personally, wouldn't do it, but I wish you best on what you decide.

When my mom died, I practically moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). He lived in a 4 bedroom/4 bathroom condo with three other boys. I still had "my apartment," but I moved a lot of my stuff there and stayed with him (if I was alone I was crying all the time). It actually worked out well. I always had my apartment to go to if I needed to, but we really had not problem sharing a room and having roommates. It's not like you walk around naked or cuddle up on the couch with others around.

Now, that being said, Chris moved to Maryland for the last year and a half of our dating relationship. He moved in with one roommate. It was VERY difficult to visit him and stay with the roommate and him. Much harder than it was in college with 3 roommates.

If you know your relationship has clear future, you should take the next mature step and either get engaged/married or find a place by yourselves.

I never did officially live with Chris until we were married, but we pretty much know I lived with him in the last part of college and through his grad school.

I saw this happen once. A friend of my fiance's lived with 5 of her best guyfriends. She got into a whirl-wind romance and got married after 3 months (they're now happily married). Anyway, they get married and her new hubby's lease ended and he ended up moving into the house with her and her 5 roommates. Though it seemed okay for awhile (new hubby fit in perfectly with her friends), the other 5 guys started to feel like the couple was isolating themselves from the rest of the roommates. Flashforward to a week ago and the newlyweds have a party at their new house (they moved out when the lease was done). NONE of her old roommates came when they all said the would! We asked the newlyweds the last time they hung out with said group and they said it was right before they moved out!

Point: you might accidentally come in between a friendship if you move in with him and his friend. I don't assume that would be your intention, but it could happen. I suggest waiting until both of your leases are up to move in together.

I thought everything seemed ok until you got to this part. Living with two guys? Yuk!:(

I would hate to see what the bathroom looks like. Gross!

I live with my boyfriend and another guy, who used to be his best friend and also a good friend of mine. TERRIBLE idea! My boyfriend and I don't even really speak to our roommate/ex friend anymore and it's just a really strained situation. Living with my boyfriend has been one of the best things for our relationship, but having the extra person just makes living in this apartment stressful!

So he's still living with you two? You two should leave and get another place. The hell with the friend guy, especially if he's being an ass.

Our lease with him ends in May, and we're so excited about it :) He's so bad at taking care of himself he's moving back in with his parents.

I don't see any way that this could be a good thing for you. For the two guys, sure, but I think I know who would be expected to cook, clean, and keep the apartment clean, even though they say otherwise.

And what if the brother decides he doesn't like you anymore? How nasty could that become?

If you can at all afford it, go for your own place, or even get a roomie you don't know as well. This situation has disaster written all over it!

She would be pretty stupid to do that.

lol He sounds like a major loser.

Of course she would. But what the guys would think is another story.

Yes, it is a bad move. A lot of couples are doing this, and people have their own reasons for living together, rather it may be because everyone is doing it, or because the couple may think that living together is a step toward marriage, we're in a committed relationship, living together is a trial marriage, we can't afford to live alone, we love each other so it's o.k. or the fact that a lot of couples think marriage is just a piece of paper. The bottom line, all are the wrong reasons for cohabitation.

Gretchen, what you have to realize is what you're thinking about doing may seem attractive on the outset, but once reality sets in, you could possibly destroy a great relationship. I understand you say you're getting married, but the fact of the matter is you're not married, and if you move in with him, you may not even make it to the isle.

There is no committment through cohabitation. The only true committment comes when a man and a woman take the vows of marriage, marrying for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part. I know it seems logical to have a trial marriage, by testing the waters before tying the knot, but this will only make the both of you comfortable with the situation, and you won't marry.

I'm sure you have a great guy like you've stated, but watch out for some of these men. He asked you to move in with him, and I'm not sure of the whole reason behind that, because I can only go off of what you posted. I'm telling you to be cautious, because with a lot of men, they can get sex more easily than in times past. Like DSTCHAOS said, if you give him free milk, why would he buy the cow?

See, men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying. A lot of men like the convenience of an easily available sex partner and the economies of shared living. They believe living together is a way to avoid an unhappy marriage and eventual divorce. They seem to think this is the only way to test compatibility for marriage and it's not. Also, a lot of men like to have their girls move in with them, because they want to avoid divorce and it's financial risks. They feel their assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. Because they think an x-wife will take them for all they've got, they fear marriage will require too many changes and compromises, and these days a lot of men have become accustomed to their own space and routines and resent women who try to change them.

The sad thing about reading some of the posts that I've read is these days a lot of men and women face few social pressures to marry. Traditional pressures from the church, society and parents have pretty much evaporated.

Lastly, I want to talk about this buddy of his living there too. First of all don't move in at all, but I'm sure this is going to go in one ear and out the other so if you do move in, his buddy has got to go. Remember his buddy has other friends, who may occasionally come over to visit. In a relationship, men and women have different emotional needs, and often times they fail to meet these needs. What results from this is cheating and it usually begins with a friend of the opposite sex who just so happens to meet these needs temporarily. When a man is not meeting a woman's emotional needs, she may begin sharing her problems with another man, and he'll begin sharing his problems with her. Usually for the cheating to start, she has to see this joker quite often, rather it be at work or in your case his buddy or his buddy's buddies. As your friendship deepens, you may start giving each other mutual support and encouragement, especially in regards to your needs being unmet. Also, remember cheating is not necessarily based on physical attraction, because the attraction here is emotional, because an unfulfilled need has not been met. So just remember your relationship isn't always going to be cool, things happen, and a lot of times it's based on needs not being met, and this is not based on being selfish, but because of ignorance.

Sorry so long here, but do what you feel is important to you. You really should concentrate on your education, while at the same time being the best woman you can be with the resources you have to your s/o, but you don't have to move in with him to do this. Good luck to you.:)

Judge Joe Brown episode waiting to happen.

Cohabitation either ends WELL or BAD. There's rarely an in between or people who say "eh...it was OKAY...it was what it was...no animosity or love lost...we shook hands in the end."

Adding another roomie to the mix makes the chances more fuzzy. Even if it was another female.

Some men are obsessively clean. :)

If he's not one of them, she knows what to look forward to if they ever get married. :( Corn chips and butt crumbs all over. Gross.

Awww dang, you took it there. :D

I was going to point that out. I took a trip to Morehouse many years ago and was shocked at how clean and fresh-smelling that dorm was. It was like a Pine-Sol commercial.

What, pray tell, is a "butt crumb?" :confused:

:eek: lol lol lol :D

I hope for her sake that it isn't him. That would be disgusting being married to or in a relationship with a pig.

If it was a question of the friend having to stay with you for 2-3 weeks till he found another place, I don't think it would be a problem. But as a long term arrangement? No way.

My ex lived with a guy/girl couple with no serious repercussions, but then again 1) he's really good at emotionally removing himself from situations like that and just kind of turning his head to the whole thing 2) they were all a bunch of damn hippies. LOL.

I guess a crumb from a dirty dude's butt. Don't think too much on it.

OMG!!! lol lol lol lol :p

I have tears in my eyes from laughing at what this conversation has turned into. It's gone from talking about living together to butt crumbs? SO GROSS!!! lol lol!!!

I don't think living with him before marrying him or getting engaged is a bad idea- so long as you have discussed what both of your expectations are... I think it would be akward to live with his roomie, though.

And for those that say statistically speaking people that live together before marriage have it worse off- uhm.... all of my closest friends but one lived with their significant other before marriage and they are all still married- the only one that didn't is now divorced. Statistics are just numbers.

I don't think living together is a "trial marriage" i think it is an opportunity to get to know them at a much deeper level than you do know them know. If this can really help you save money, I can see how that is really beneficial. However, again, I would be weary of living with a friend of his as well, mainly because it would be just really akward.

Do what is right for the two of you- as only you two both knows where your relationship is and going.

I've seen threads like this before - and my answer (based on personal experience) is still the same... DON'T DO IT!

I don't see what the big deal is about moving in with someone you love and care about. I just wouldn't do it with an added person.

I moved in with my fiance and our wedding is soon- honestly we spent every day/night together anyway, and his lease was up so it was stupid for us not to. We were engaged already, but still we really just felt like, okay we can keep on being annoyed at not having xyz at each other's place, or having to get up extra early to go get clothes, OR we can just move in together since we are always together anyway. It's been great and brought us much closer. It's also one less thing to worry about for after the wedding. The wedding is enough stress!

In my opinion it all depends on whether you all share the same values. If so, it should be fine. If not, trouble awaits.

Just thought I'd throw my own experience out there...sorry if it gets long

My senior year of college I ended up rooming with my boyfriend (who I had met the previous summer, and had a long-distance relationship with my junior year) & another good friend of mine, a guy, that I knew from high school but who attended a different university in the area.

We shared a 3 bedroom apartment (w/ 2 bathrooms yay!). The arrangement sort of fell together as we were all working out things like living arrangements, budgets for rent, moves, etc. etc.

I was working part time and in school full time, my boyfriend was working full time, and my friend was working part time and in school full time. All 3 of our paths rarely crossed. We all got along just fine & dandy.

Our friend ended up transferring schools and moving out a little early. He still paid his share of the rent. When the lease was up, another friend of ours, this time a girl, moved in. We were all working full time, and all got along great.

At the end of that year, she decided to move out to join her boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I have been together ever since (several, several years). No more roommates, but neither was a bad experience for us.

Although you have over 3 pages of advice Im going to add some more haha.

I dont think you should move in with him would be MY advice. WHY because I see so many of my friends move in with their partners and the relationship ends up messing up. Moving too soon and too fast could cause detrimental problems in the relationship in the long run. You truly find out who a person REALLY is if you live with him. Personally, I dont believe in living together until you are married, because it just creates too much of a problem. Because once you live together you take on different roles that really arent meant for this stage in ya'll relationship. Especially being the only woman in the house, they may start to view you as the "woman of the house' and you might subconsciously start to take on the role of "wife" before you actually are. Suppose ya'll break up? Then the legal stuff as far as the lease and everything gets in the way. I dunno...i would think about it...but the relationship could grow really old really quick if you move too fast. Because then you wont have anything to look forward to in the future.

Me and my girl been together for 3 years and living together for two. We don't have a problem at all. Everything is tight.

Thanks you guys. I read all of your comments and they were great! I've already moved in with my bf. We've been living together for 2 weeks now. I hope everything goes like we want it to. His roommate seems to be o.k. with it. The only thing I worry about is his roommate's room is right next to ours. I just hope the sound of us having sex isn't bothering him.