know any good jokes...
 

i am a person that likes to laugh....and can tell a good joke.

post them here and laugh your head office in the office.

(if you take offense...get over it)

she says....he hears

WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!

WHAT A MAN HEARS:
C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif




------------------
"the ORIGINAL soror from the dirtiest part of the south"
(cheese grits, hogmahs and fatback)

MaMaBuddha
Delta Alpha/Epsilon Tau
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Innnnnncorporated.
Spring 94
the 24th Diva of Perfection

Alpha Phi Omega, Fraternity, Incorporated
Alpha Gamma Gamma
Fall '98

Order of Eastern Star
Prince Hall Affilated
Prince Hall #27

Top 15 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90s:

15. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

14. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

13. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.

10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.

4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.



------------------
"the ORIGINAL soror from the dirtiest part of the south"
(cheese grits, hogmahs and fatback)

MaMaBuddha
Delta Alpha/Epsilon Tau
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Innnnnncorporated.
Spring 94
the 24th Diva of Perfection

Alpha Phi Omega, Fraternity, Incorporated
Alpha Gamma Gamma
Fall '98

Order of Eastern Star
Prince Hall Affilated
Prince Hall #27

MaMaBuddha-I can identify with a lot of those things on that list! LOL!

Ok I've got one- I laughed when I read it so hopefully someone else will too!

*******************************************
Salesmen - Bait and Switch

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
Store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales
experience?"

The kid says, "No, but I am a pretty quick learner."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow.I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the
storewas locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make
today?"

Kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people generally average 20 or 30
Sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$101,237.64."
Boss says "101,237.64?!? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish-hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish-hook. Then I sold him a larger fish-hook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the coast; so I told him he was gonna need a boat; so we went down
to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it; so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him a 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife;
and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing'".

hey that was funny....

here is one for the boobs out there...

College Entrance Exam

University of New Mexico
Entrance exam
Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army
d. write a play

4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)

8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a. westerners
b. southerners
c. easterners
d. northerners

9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - spell your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. FLORIDA
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math, If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The University of New Mexico tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. STILL WAITING

* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY




------------------
"the ORIGINAL soror from the dirtiest part of the south"
(cheese grits, hogmahs and fatback)

MaMaBuddha
Delta Alpha/Epsilon Tau
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Innnnnncorporated.
Spring 94
the 24th Diva of Perfection

Alpha Phi Omega, Fraternity, Incorporated
Alpha Gamma Gamma
Fall '98

Order of Eastern Star
Prince Hall Affilated
Prince Hall #27

LOL! Those were funny!

I have a joke. However, let me preface this joke by saying: please, do not take offense. Here goes:

On a flight to New York, the pilot comes on over the intercom and says that the plane is too heavy and that some of the luggage is going to have to be thrown off or else they will crash. So everyone gathers up their carry-ons and throws them out of the plane.

The pilot comes back on and says the plane is still too heavy. He says that people are going to have to start leaving the plane. In all fairness, he says that they will choose passengers alphabetically.

First he says: "All african-americans, please exit the plane." No one gets off. "All blacks please exit the plane." No one moves. "All coloreds get off the plane." Still no one moves.

At this point, a little black boy turns to his corporate dad in first class and says, "Dad, aren't we all of those things?" And the father turns to the son and says, "No son, we gon' be niggaz today."

serenity...

i do not take offense...that is funny...

Yes, it was funny. My dad told me that joke a while back and I was..

LMAOOTFRCTSWFAHMF

Figure that one out...acronym finder.

I'm 'bout to start making up my own acronyms...shoot!!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

WINNING LOTTO

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts to the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags I won the lottery!!"
The husband says, "Ohmigod! No kidding?!? What should I pack? Beach stuff, mountain stuff, What??"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter...just get the F*ck out!!"

this is real ghetto love...

this is real ghetto love...


Malik returns from the doctor and tells his wife, Laquita, that the
doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis,
Malik asks Laquita for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they "get busy."
About six hours later, Malik goes to Laquita and says, "Honey, you know
I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of
course, Laquita agrees, and they do it again. Later, as Malik gets into
bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches Laquita shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more
time before I die."She says, "Of course, Big Daddy," and they make love for
the third time. After this session, Laquita rolls over and falls asleep.
Malik, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until
he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps Laquita, who rouses."Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think
we could..." At this point Laquita sits up and says, "Listen, Mother-F*cker,
I have to get up in the morning. You don't!

All these are great! Thanks for turning my day around!

MaMABuddha...

Soror, that was toooooo funny!!! I am literally crying right now. Whooo!!!


Sexy Mocha, that one was funny too.

Mmmm,mmm,mmm

So here I sit, in all my glory...
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story...
I once had a wife--she was such a dear,
Then came the Net, and it all disappeared!

Now there she sits, for hours on end...
don't care where I'm goin,' don't care where I've been.
It could be three, or it could be nine...
she really doesn't care, long as she's online.

She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in yelling at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where is the hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer--that's all she missed!

Talking to cyber friends, checking the mail
I might as well be in a Cyber Jail!
My stomach's growling--it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and no clean underwear!

Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
I'll pick at my teeth and roam the halls,
F--ting and burping what a sight to see...
Can you believe she's there?? When she could be with ME!

Deltabrat, I figured out your acronym!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif That was a good one... you silly girl! lol

elBoogie:

I can't believe you even tried to figure it out. Are you sure you have it?

What's the difference between Peewee Herman and O.J.?

It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.

The bride is concerned about the room being bugged.

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "A-HA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

------------------
Sigma Lambda Upsilon: Sincerity, Loyalty, Unity http://www.sigmalambdaupsilon.org

[This message has been edited by Serenity (edited July 26, 2000).]

Yeah Deltabrat. I'm pretty sure I got it http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif still lmaootctswfahmf http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif hahaha

Here's a funny one on materialistic women!


A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis bracelet?"

SkeeBunny:

I LOVE that one. That was tooo hilarious.

elBoogie: Go head girl!!!

Serenity and Soror Buddha...too funny as well.

Keep them coming. I LOVE jokes. Too bad I don't know any http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/frown.gif

Ok, here's another:

A rich white guy decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited a few of his buddies. He also invited Leroy, the only black guest at the party. He held the party in the backyard of his mansion.

Everybody was having a good time drinking, dancing, talking to the ladies. At the height of the party, the rich white guy said, "I have a man-eating alligator in my pool and I will give anyone a million dollars if he is man enough to jump in."

All of a sudden there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! HE WAS FIGHTING THE ALLIGATOR AND KICKING IT'S ASS. He was doing head butts, jabs, chokeholds, all kinds of moves. Water was splashing, the alligator was screaming. Leroy finally strangled the alligator and it sunk to the bottom. Leroy then slowly got out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him. The rich white guy said, "Damn......I guess I owe you a million dollars..."

Leroy said,"No, that's okay."

The rich white guy said, "Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million?" Leroy said no. The rich white guy said "Come on, I insist on giving you something......how about stock options....a Rolex......maybe a Porsche....?

Again, Leroy said "No".

The confused rich white guy said, "Well Leroy, what do you want?"

Leroy said," I just want the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool."



[This message has been edited by SkeeBunny (edited July 26, 2000).]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited
the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once'. We proceeded a little further and the mule
stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said "That's once."

Well here is one of my jokes http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif Its a little on the nasty side, but we're all grown http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Okay....There was a white man, a black man, and an asian man. They were staying at a hotel on business and had one king sized bed. They all had to sleep in the same bed so the black man slept on the left, the white man slept in the middle, and the asian man slept on the left.

Well....the next morning everyone started telling each other about their dreams

Black man: "Man, I dreamnt that I got off last night"

Asian man: "Man, I had the exact same dream"

White man: " Well thats funny because I dreamnt I was skiing"

Sorry, but I thought that was too funny http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif lmao!!

I have plenty more where that came from so let me knnow if you want to hear them--just beware http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by elboogie22 (edited July 26, 2000).]

elBoogie:

You are WRONG for that. Truth be told, it took me awhile. First I though the actual skis, then I realized it was the poles...lmaorotfctswfmf (you know what I'm saying http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif )

Pretty tasteless but funny nonetheless

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight, and tomorrow your wish will come true!" Billy says, "O.k. mommy" and goes to sleep. The next morning Billy wakes up screaming "Mommy, I'm still blind! My wish didn't come true!!" The mother answers "I know, April Fools!"


What dos Woody Allen call an unborn baby?
-A blind date


Where do you find a no legged dog?
-Right where you left him

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
- She screamed her hands off!!

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
_ From a catalog

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters,
decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later,
delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son,
but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly
be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious,
and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."

A blond decides to try horseback riding,even thought she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse innediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace,but the blond begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane,but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along seeming unaware of it's slipping rider. Finally giving up her frail grip,she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

Her head is being battered against the ground,she is mere moments from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....


The Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off!

I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with password....now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect...so when the computer asked him to
enter his password, he keys in "penis"...
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer
replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***


for those of you who don't get it, a NT password must be at least eight
characters!!!

elboogie....huh?? http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/confused.gif

oooooooohhhhhh...i get it!!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/tongue.gif

What Gender Is A Computer?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".

One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What "gender" is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to
decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.

Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


------------------
Sigma Lambda Upsilon: Sincerity, Loyalty, Unity http://www.sigmalambdaupsilon.org

SkeeBunny:

Your jokes are toooo funny. I love them.

i loved reading all of these jokes. wish i knew some http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif

I am LMAO, I am crying on that one MaMa

Okay ya'll I love this one, but it is for mature audiences only

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labour;
2. I work at great depths;
3. I work head first;
4. I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays;
5. I work in a damp environment;
6. I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties;
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation;
8. I work in high temperatures.
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
=============================================
Response from the administration:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1. You DO NOT work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
5. You take a lot of non-rostered breaks.
6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
7. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
8. You don't always observe OSH measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits.
9. You don't wait till pension age before retiring.
10. You don't like working double shifts.
11. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work;
12. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

SkeeBunny - that was funny!!

-----------------
Alpha Kappa Alpha
17-Alpha Phi-91

I know I'm turning into the queen of jokes, but here's another one!


A young boy went up to his father and asked,
"What is the difference between potentially and realistically? The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars.

Then go ask your sister if she would sleep
with Sean "Puffy" Combs for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have
learned."

So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars? The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Puffy for a million dollars?" The girl replied,"Oh my God! I'd be crazy to pass that up!"

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.

The father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're
sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with
two hoes."

keep them coming....this is funny!

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side
on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So,
where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know
betterthan to end a sentence with a preposition." The girl from the South sat
quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from,
bitch?"

Kind of raunchy, but it had me crackin' up!

Two hookers are standing on the street corner. The first hooker says, "I think it's going to be a busy night tonight....I can smell d*ck in the air".

The second hooker says, "Sorry, that's me. I burped".



[This message has been edited by SkeeBunny (edited August 01, 2000).]

The Little Old Lady and the Bet

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a back of, money. She insisted that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, thte bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$5,165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag and onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised your carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked,"Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said,"Well for example, $525,000 that your balls are square".
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged,"So would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet you $525,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said,"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00am as a witness?"
"Sure" replied the confident president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them until he was sure ther was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00am, the little old lady appeared at the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet.

"$525,000 says the president's balls are square!" THe president agreed with the bet again and the little old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay,"said the president,"525,000 dollars is a lot of money so I guess you should be absolutely sure!"

Just then he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied,"Nothing, except I bet him $5,100,000 that at 10:00am today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.