Friends who disappear when they find a boyfriend/girlfriend
 

I find it incredibly annoying when someone (usually a girl) finds a partner, and cuts off contact with all their friends and sometimes their family.

If a future significant other wants me to spend all my time with them, I would dump them.
1. I would probably get bored of them, eventually. Nothing would make leave quicker, besides abuse.
2. Just because I'm coupled up, it doesn't mean that I'm no longer a friend or a family member. I still have a duty to be there for my friends and family, it's unfair to them drop them for ONE person.
3. What if my significant other dumps me or dies? One or the other will happen eventually. Then, I would have no one to turn to, because I abandoned them when we were together.
4. Isn't this a classic warning sign of potential abuse? A boyfriend or girlfriend who wants to isolate you.

I'm amazed how often I see this, and hear other people complain about it.

I love being around my lady friend and vise versa, but then again we only see each other on the weekends because of work and the drive, so maybe that's why we haven't gotten bored with each other.(yet) I get upset when friends get mad at me because I would rather be around her rather than them. When they get mad, I ask "What can you do for me that she can't?" I don't like being around dudes all the time. To me there's nothing like a female companion. Friends are cool to be around, but not like a woman.

Everyone is different though.

^^^^^^^^^hey stranger.....:)

We love spending time together but maintain our friendship and family ties because these other ties make us balanced and well rounded. :)

The older we get, the less time I expect to spend with my friends. We hang out when we hang out.

Careers, significant others, husbands, children, wanting to twiddle our thumbs up our own asses instead of hang out...whatever's whatever.

We will talk to each other regularly and try to hang out once a month or less, depending on our fun schedules. :)

As for dating and boyfriends/girlfriends, if you desire a long term relationship with commitment, your other relationships must change. Some will have to cease and desist. Some relationships will improve over time. If they are your friends, they will be happy for you and your joy and will want you be truly be yourself and all that you are. EFF them if they don't.

My two cents: if we're talking about the type of person who has been in 5 relationships in the past year and each time they forget about you until they're single again, then yes, that IS annoying. BUT if they're really serious about this new person in their life and you can see they're really happy, then I'm with DST - it is what it is and you'll hang out when you can. I agree though that it sucks if you're the single friend and you're the one getting dropped but you should still try and be happy for them if they're happy.

I thought we had this thread already because I remember bitching about this. Oh well.

PB, I think your situation is different if you only get to see each other on the weekends - of course that time is reserved for your lady if it's the only time you have with her. If you saw her every single day or lived with her and didn't want to ever go out on the weekend w/ your boys, that would be another story.

There's a difference between scaling back your "girls nights" and abandoning them completely - or worse, telling your friends you're not "allowed" to go out, even to someplace like Applebee's. No, I don't think you're joking when you say that.

Ditto.

I firmly believe that every person you're real cool with isn't your "friend" and every "friend" isn't necessarily a friend for life. Relationships transform and some will be let go of. That never bothers me because the true friendships last.

Besides, I'm not one for having a bunch of "friends," anyway...I'm too claustrophobic for that. :)

I agree.

Some couples actually try to lock each other down LITERALLY and keep each other from hanging out EVER. Bad idea.

I've also found that some people lie and say that they "aren't allowed to/can't" but really THEY just don't want to. So the friends begin to hate the significant other and think the relationship is lame when it's really just their friend who is making that decision. Either he/she doesn't want to hang out with that group anymore or he/she is so sprung that nothing else matters to HIM/HER.

ohhhh yeah. That too. It's like, if you can't deal with the fact that I'm going to call you lame for never ever hanging out with us, how have you been friends with me all this time?

Oye, this topic is all too relevant right now. One of my roommates/ BFF was dating someone and they made it "official" yesterday (trying not to gag) and we got into a huge fight 2 weeks ago over a bunch of stuff, but mostly because she would totally change when she was around him. She enjoys dominating everything when he's around, especially because he's soft spoken... I still live with her but they work at the same restaurant together, so they come to our house, spend all night together, the next day and then work together again... (he's back of house and she's front)...

At first, I wasn't jealous so the fight wasn't about that, and I actually do like him so I was happy for her... But honestly, I just don't see the point, it's not like they're going to be together for a long time...
Now I find myself more jealous than I was... but mostly, she HAS fallen off the face of the earth, and I don't see why she should be wasting her time with him...

am i an awful person? lol :o

My view of this topic is skewed b/c of the current situation so please forgive my bitching.... :rolleyes:

Exactly.

I imagine that our friends have learned to deal with our interesting senses of humor/personalities by now so they shouldn't need to lie. :)

I saw a lot of this with friends from college, as we've all graduated and have busy jobs/serious relationships, etc. My three closest girlfriends and I solved this by arranging "boyfriend playdates."

We go out on the weekends to bars that have pool tables (all our boyfriends/fiances are big pool players) or TVs with sports games on, etc, with a downstairs floor that has dancing for us, or a quieter area to talk, and then we can mix and mingle groups. Sometimes we'll go to someone's house for RockBand or Guitar Hero and card games. In the last six months, we've had more couples and singles join our group of going out, and there are now about 20 of us that mix it up.

I know this wouldn't work for everyone, but we got REALLY lucky, and its definitely a lot of fun having all your favorites together.

I think this is really common if the person is older than HS/college age when they have their first serious relationship.

When people are older/a little more mature and experienced, they know how to mix the different sides of their personal lives.

I think we should have a thread on friends who settle in relationships. And I mean REALLY settle. If they aren't that choosy about who they're sleeping with, then does that mean that they aren't that choosy about who their friends are?

My situation is only different because I don't have a lot of money to spend on gas throughout the week because of the distance, and of course my work schedule. If we lived closer to each other, and it was during the week, I still would prefer to spend my time with her. When I said friends I was referring to fraternity brothers who are single. The friends I hang out with are either in healthy, long term, monogamous relationships or healthy marriages, so when we go out, we do things with other couples. I refuse to be around single jokers who like runnin' the streets late at night, or couples who are in unhealthy relationships/marriages. I don't see anything wrong with wanting be around each other if you enjoy each others company.

I wouldn't have a problem if she wanted to hang out with her friends (like a girls night out), but it would all depend on what she considered "A girls night out". I will not be with a woman who classifies a girls night out, as hangin' at clubs of any kind, or has friends who hang out at joints like these. Period. Or if she was runnin' the streets late at night. There is nothing out late at night but some sorry azz, low down, jellyback, hissing cockroaches. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Also, I want to meet the types of friends she's hanging out with. If they're trifling, then that tells me she is too. Birds of a feather flock together.

I think it's very important to respect each others wishes as well. Repsect to me is someone who shows honor for his/her s/o someone who thinks highly of his/her s/o. Every couple must have respect for one another, meaning they have to show kind consideration for each other.

Lastly, I agree with AKA Monet 110%. In my relationship, friends can do one of two things. They can take a back seat to her or they can kiss my azz.

hey don't knock it 'till you've tried it

Ha.

I disagree. I think it's important to maintain friendships and my friends will be there for me after a relationship has ended and a significant other may or may not be in it for the "long haul". Sure, it's important to work on a relationship but I try not to let my friends take a backseat to any guy. Just my own opinion.

Ahh, but your average college relationship--or even your average dating relationship--is nothing like a marriage. I expect folks who are dating seriously or cohabiting to be joined at the hip, but your typical college couple who may not even be together after graduation? That's just co-dependency.

On that same token, if you're not actively working on your friendships while in a relationship, you're not exactly a true friend if you come crying back to them when you find yourself suddenly single. Some of the strongest relationships I know are the ones where both members of the couple have, you know...lives.

While you do need to dedicate time to your SO and your relationships with your friends need to evolve, they shouldn't dissolve...friends were there before and unless you completely screw them over they will be there after! I'm going thru a situation like this with one of my friends and he has completely turned his back on all his friends. He makes time for no one but her. If he doesn't watch himself he won't have any friends to go back to when this relationship fails (which it will b/c she cheats on him).

Sorry.....started going on a personal rant there.....

Exactly marriage and courting are different, I never said they were the same. 9 times out of 10, your typical college couple will not be together after graduation, because it's a different time now and people have different agendas and morals. 40-50 years ago couples married their highschool sweethearts, and stayed together, unlike today.

I don't see anything wrong with hanging out with friends once in a while, but when I'm in a relationship, I feel strongly about meeting her needs 1st before theirs are met.

I agree here. A woman spending time with her girlfriends is fine by me, it just all depends on where they're spending their time together.

I don't have a problem with pedicures at all...really I don't.:) Infact I STRONGLY encourage it.:D

I feel like it gets harder as I get older to make sure that I can make time for EVERYONE in my life (work, friends, family, boyfriend, not to mention my own alone time where I can get in some exercise, reading, or general alone time). It actually stresses me out often, but I do spend the most time with my BF, because I have the most fun with him. I don't think that's wrong, but I do feel like I remind myself every day to also make time for others and myself, because I do think that everyone should stay well-rounded. However, I do think that friends should expect that when one of their friends has a serious sig. other, he/she will probably hang out with them less, and I think that's OK.

But in a healthy relationship, isn't your significant other supposed to be your friend too? Your friends are obviously not in a healthy relationship if she's cheating. This may only be my opinion, but I think you need to be able to truly call someone your friend before you try to establish a serious relationship with them. People who are your friends have your best interest at heart, which is something I know that I would want from a person that I'm in a relationship with...

I agree with you.

See, most people understand that people in serious relationships (ie, headed towards cohabitation/engagement) aren't really hitting the bars every weekend--nor should they be. I really think what most of us are talking about are the people who can't (or won't) even have coffee with friends when they are in a relationship, regardless of how serious it is.

My 14 year old daughter and a group of her friends confronted a friend the other day on this. This gal (we'll call her Sue) is the first in the group to have a real boyfriend and they have been dating for 6 months. At the lunch table, Sue said to the rest of the group "You guys do everything without me now, why don't you ask me to do stuff?" The group pointed out that they invite her to everything but she is always busy with her boyfriend or brings him along. The one thing she has attended without him was my daughter's slumber party but she spent the whole night on the phone with him or texting him. My daughter asked Sue to go to the movies and guess what? The BF came along too. So now Sue is really angry at all the other girls and won't speak to them.

I expect that from 14 year olds.. but not from adults. Adults should realize that no one person can meet all their needs, that frienships are forever but most relationships are not, and that you need to be individuals with your own interests to be able to come together for a healthy relationship. If you do everything together, what do you ever have to talk about with each other?

You get no arguement from me on the fact that your SO needs to be your friend too. I've been with my SO for 8+ years consider him one of my best friends. However, when we first got together I fell into the trap! The trap of being stuck so far up his ass I forgot what sunlight and fresh air were!! The trap of ignoring my friends and never doing anything without him or even bringing him along!!! :eek: Now I can sit back and realize that was stupid. We fought alot and it's b/c we never spent a minute apart. And that made our relationship highly unhealthy. So now we have our time together and I have my activities that are just for me. I even take a vacation a couple times a year that are seperate just to be able to kick it with the girls.

I guess my rant is that the situation that I spoke of is that my friend is still in that honeymoon stuck-up-the-ass phase. I don't think I'm as bothered by that as the fact that the girl that he has decided to ignore everyone for is a whore. Although I don't know how he could touch her again after know she had been with another guy. But that's what sets me off about the whole thing. It's one thing to be in the lovey-dovey phase but to be in that phase with someone who could give you the clap..... it's just too much for me to understand. :(

Sorry for the double post but I thought this was so wonderful that it needed to be quoted seperately!! :)

Exactly. I forgot about my friends when I was in relationships at 17 and even 19, but at some point, I did call my girls to check in a few times. However, this behavior from my then 26 y/o former best friend drove me and the majority of her close girlfriends. Sadly, in the end, their relationship ended after 2 years.

Adults should be able to recognize a happy medium between spending quality time with the SO and connecting with friends. Whether it's phone calls, text messages, or even Myspace/Facebook. Being completely consumed by the SO or friends isn't healthy... unless those friends are a bad influence that need to be cut anyway. (That didn't fit my situation since she eventually reached out to her forgotten friends after the breakup.)

:eek: OH. MY. GAWD! lol lol I'm gonna be laughing at this phrase for a long, long time.:D

Ummm, wow. 14 years old! She's setting a terrible precedent for the rest of her relationships! And where is the girl's mother in all of this?

I don't think 14 yo is old enough to be spending a lot of time hanging or talking with boyfriends. What can they possibly being doing an saying that makes a child so consumed with a boyfriend? Studying together? Watching movies?

The girl's mother thought, when this "relationship" started that it would last a week, two, maybe a month, like most first boyfriend/girlfriend gigs do. She's kinda freaking out now that it's been 6 months and the kid is practically living at her house. However, I think she's kind of glad they are always at HER house so she can keep an eye on them. She's generally a pretty cautious mom but she was hoping for a quick crash and burn, but the burn hasn't happened yet. And yeah, they watch TV, study, listen to music, go to movies, ice skating, etc... and when they aren't with each other, they are texting or on the phone.

I guess I'm sort of proud that my daughter confronted it, even though it's tense right now (because everyone is in a huge fight). At her age, I wouldn't have confronted it, I just would've talked about the girl behind her back, so I think my girlie is more assertive than I was at that age.

Good thing they are studying and having fun but all of that is a lot for a "14 yo romantic relationship." Seems too intense.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned like my parents were.

At her age, the girls who were doing what this 14 yo is doing were the "fast asses" and I wasn't allowed to have "fast ass" friends. ;)

I'm glad your daughter confronted her and didn't talk behind her back. Maybe her friend will snap out of it. I hope this situation doesn't end tragically. It seems pretty intense and these are children.