How to help PNMs who don't get first choice?
 

I am really wondering about our campus panhellenics' handling of this situation. You know the girl I am talking about - maybe it happened to you - she opened her bid card and got her second choice. It is not the end of the world, but it feels like it at the moment. Those of us who are "older and wiser" :) know that this usually ends up working out just great, as several threads on GC can attest to, but what can be done to help ease the shock, make her feel more welcome, etc. at the time?

Often, the Big Sis doesn't even KNOW that this new member got her second choice - the only people who know are the bid matching gurus at panhellenic. Heck, the Big is exhausted, exhilerated, convinced her house rocked recruitment. She can't even fathom that this girl wanted another house. This isn't even on the chapters radar.

What happens in your chapter, with your panhellenic to help in this situation?
Shoud panhellenic notify the recruitment chair how the bid matching went? Pros? Cons?

I think the fewer people who know it was her second choice the better.

The only thing that panhellenic should do, in my opinion, is to make sure PNMs know that they could be matched to any group on the bid card, and that if she isn't going to be happy with her second and third choices, she probably shouldn't list them.

ETA: It would be disastrous to morale to tell the new members that they were actually way down on the bid list and only got bids because everyone the chapter liked better wanted other groups. Similarly, no one benefits, as near as I can guess, and a lot of harm can be done by the chapter realizing how many of their new members listed the chapter as a second or third choice. It's probably better all the way around to believe that the mutual selection process worked well, that the group and the girl have found each other, and that everyone is really excited about it.

More pragmatically, if the girl is still really disappointed, you're going to find out whether you want to or not.

I agree. If the member opens up at some point in the future and tells the sisters what her choice was, that's her prerogative, but other than that, it should not come up.

If the chapter liked her enough to put her on their bid list, they more than likely will make her feel welcome & tell her they're happy she's there - even if they have no clue that she listed them 2nd or 3rd. If the new member wants to keep reminding herself she got her second choice, well, she's just making herself miserable.

If it's a case of the chapter is struggling and took everyone they could, well, that's harder. Hopefully the adversity will help everyone to bond.

I really think it is an issue that the new member needs to learn to handle on her own. It may be disappointing to not receive your first choice bid. However, at the risk of sounding cynical: that's life. The sooner you figure out you're not always going to get 100% of what you want when you want it, the better.

If anything, Panhellenic should address this issue with the Recruitment Counselors. After pref card signing, or possibly even before, the counselors should sit down with their PNM's and discuss best and worst-case scenarios, offer support and prepare the women for the possibility that they may or may not receive their top choice. And to also remember that while it is their prerogative to accept their bid or not, that the chapter who has accepted her is very excited to welcome her as a sister. And if she is going to come to their home on Bid Day, she can either be a happy and willing guest, or she should just go home. Bid Day is a celebration. If the worst thing that has happened to you in 18 years is to get rejected from your top choice sorority (after 3-4 20 minute meetings with the members over a week-long period), you're actually in better shape than 99% of the rest of the world population.

I'm cynical, yes. But these girls need to grow up sometime. I remember how emotional recruitment was when I was participating as a collegian. But big picture: You haven't committed social suicide by getting a bid to ABC instead of XYZ, and you're being given the opportunity to become part of an exclusive organization that will give you amazing opportunities and experiences.

^^^Agreed. Recruitment Counselors need to be trained so they can relay the info to the PNMs. PNMs need to understand there is always a possibility they will get their 2nd or even 3rd choice. Signing a pref card is like signing a contract. In essence the PNM is saying "I am willing to become a member of any of these orgs." While I'm all for maximizing ones options, if there is one or even two orgs you would absolutely not want to be a member of even if you went to their Pref, then do not put them on your pref card. You might end up taking a spot away from someone who really does want to be a member of that org.

PNMs also need to be aware that the Chapters have no idea what a PNMs preference order was. All we are given is a list of our new members. We can only hope that every one of those wanted us as much as we wanted them.

Announcing that your new GLO wasn't your first choice will be interpreted by your new sisters as you not wanting to be their sister. It can make it even more difficult to fit in and find new friends. "Why should we try to be friends with her? She didn't even want us." So in essence you would be creating a self fulfilling prophecy. "See, I just knew I didn't want this group. I haven't made any friends."

Oh, I meant much later, like a year later, when the XYZs did something really stupid and the member says "I have an extremely embarrassing confession...I put XYZ first. What the heck kind of crack was I on?? I would hate it there so much!! I love you guys!!"

You all make excellent points.

If dealing with it within the chapter is off limits, I wonder what procedures panhellenic could introduce. Yes, Gamma Chi's are hopefully trained to say all of those things about the possibility of getting a second or third choice BEFORE bids card go out, but what follow up is in place? If the chapter shouldn't know about the choice ( and I tend to agree with this) then shouldn't someone address this with the girl after it happens? We have counseled and advised and "been there" for her all through the process and at this juncture we say, "get over it, you are just going to have to deal with this." Seems like a pan rep could at least follow up, or something.

I agree that they learn to deal with it, but I have seen this devastate a pnm, especially on a large campus. I also agree there is no easy answer, I just feel like we leave this situation unresolved each year, and we have made so many strides in dealing with the other aspects of recruitment.

If the girl really wants to call up her rho chi, I suppose she can - but then again, once she knows what sorority the PX is in, she may feel differently about her.

If she still has a problem dealing with it, she can go see a school counselor who will keep things confidential. Or talk to a sister/friend who's Greek at another school.

Weren't there Panhellenic committees at some schools to console girls who didn't get bids? Couldn't she go there as well?

One of my roommates when I was going through recruitment got her second choice. When she opened her bid she turned to me and said "Wow, I got XYZ...they must have REALLY wanted me!" How great is that? Being fairly innocent of the whole process, she just assumed that getting her second choice house meant that they just wanted her so much that it trumped her first choice, and she was just happy to be wanted.:)

I've seen PNMs/new members announce at their new house during the Bid Day celebration that they didn't get their 1st choice. I've seen PNMs in tears having to be talked into putting a jersey on. Not the best way to start off one's membership even if it does end up working out for the best in the long run.

This is why I think it's important for the women to open their bids in front of the Rho Gammas in private. The Rho Gamma can help her get over any disappointment and help her see the big picture.

Last year when I was a Rho Gamma, there was a girl who went to my high school who got her second choice on bid day. It was tough for her because her Rho Gamma was in her first choice chapter (she knew for a while), and she and her Rho Gamma got along really well. I sat down with her and her Rho Gamma and we talked about it. She cried, she wanted to make sure it wasn't a mistake (no), she asked me if it would have been different if she had suicided (she would have been unmatched), she asked me if she could go through in the fall (no), she asked what her chances would be like next spring (not so good---she was a sophomore at the time, so she'd be a junior). She liked her second choice, but she just needed to get over the initial shock.

Because of her class standing, my answer to her was basically, it's this chapter or no sorority at all. You can walk away now, you can walk away tomorrow, you can walk away after a couple weeks, or you can walk away right before you are about to be initiated. I told her she might as well stick it out and see if she can be happy there. She ended up going to bid day with a good attitude and is very active and happy in her chapter.

ETA: While I understand the sentiments of "well if you didn't want the chapter then don't put them on your pref card" or "you should be happy to get any chapter", like gee_ess said, it seems like the end of the world of a NM at that moment they see the second or third choice in their hands. There are tons of women who are initially disappointed, not so much that they don't like their second choice, but because they didn't get their first choice. Sometimes they just need to talk about it and it can really change their attitude for the better.

Excuse the crash, but I like what KSUViolet said as well as adpiucf.

Correct me if I am wrong, but on the pref card one should put Sororities that they actucally see themselves belonging to rather than fill up the card and see what you get, right? If that is the case someone getting their second choice should not be a big beal and if they didn't want them they had the choice to suicide, right?

Like KSU said, they better be happy they get in a house because some girls don't get picked at all.


ETA:
For example I have heard some interested girls (NPHC) talk about if they have to join on a line that is large they would rather wait or not join at all. I call BS on that because if they want the Sorority for the right reasons they would not care about that moretheless they should think about how many people wish they could get in. I swear people are such babies. There are many other women who would be glad to be in ABC, XYZ, 123 so shut up! LOL

This is probably going to come across as my being cold or heartless. Sure I'm sad for a PNM who doesn't get a bid at all or doesn't get her first choice. But you know what? Rejection is a part of life. I think maybe the bigger problem here is that society has gotten so concerned with protecting/promoting kids' self esteem that for many this is the first time they've ever faced failure or not gotten exactly what they wanted. If you don't learn that lesson at a young age, it's much harder to deal with when you are older. "Oh we don't keep score at our soccer games because everyone is a winner! Everyone gets a trophy just for showing up!"

Competition does not have to be an evil thing. Being rewarded for hard work or trying harder the next time or just not fitting in are things that all kids need to learn. Not getting what you want for whatever reason does not mean you are a bad person or that they are bad people for not wanting to give it to you. So if someone hasn't learned this lesson at age 18 or 19, maybe this is a good thing. How will they deal with rejection at age 22+ when they are 1 of 1,000 job applicants for only 10 entry level positions? Do employers need to provide counselors for the 990 who didn't get hired?

In the imortal words of the Rolling Stones: You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

oooh, yipes, no, bad plan.

I forget if this is a school rule or an NPC rule, but if you suicide/don't pref the max available you aren't eligible for snap bids. Then again, if you would take a snap bid from someone, you should put them on your list....it's just an issue of your not ranking them highly enough. (I hope that makes sense.)

Plus, don't some computer programs "kick out" women who suicide, or is that a myth?

It's just that women who suicide aren't eligible to be QAs. I can see where the myth comes from, though. It's easier to tell a PNM that the computer might reduce your chances of getting a bid if you suicide instead of trying to explain how bid matching and quota additions work.

The NPC rule applies to ISP'ers being ineligible for Quota Additions. But it doesn't cover snap bidding. Technically, if a woman suicides and doesn't match, she is just unmatched and therefore eligible for snap bidding and/or COR. However, some schools may take that rule on out as you suggested, making ISP'ers ineligible for snap bidding.


ICS doesn't and Campus Director (Innova) doesn't. But I'm not familiar with any others. :)

Thanks for the clarification...it was all just "open bid" back in the day.

If you don't really want your second and third choice, you probably shouldn't try to be a quota addition since there's no guarantee that you'll be a QA at the one chapter you like.

I think I would just have the recruitment counselors emphasize as much as possible that you can be matched to any group you list on the card. Have them talk about it several times throughout the process. Be honest and admit that leaving a chapter off the bid card doesn't affect your chances of getting a bid at the ones you do list if you really don't want the chapter you leave off.

My opinion may be biased by looking at the stats from the couple of campuses that release them to the public, but it seems like arranging bid events or bid card practices around the relatively small number of girls who don't get what they want is kind of a downer for everyone. It ought to be the case that we can assume that if the PNM listed the chapter, then she's happy that she matched. Let the celebration begin!

Sure, she may not think she's as happy as if she got her number one, but why approach things like "are you going be okay with this bid?' rather than "yea, you got this bid!" if the girl really can't do much about it anyway?

This all seems a little foreign to me. I would have been happy to have either of my top two choices, and would have been ok with Number 3, also. Maybe it was because I was a Junior when I rushed and I was thrilled to have three very good houses to Pref.

We never really talked about it too much, but I don't remember anyone in my chapter mention that we were not their first choice. Of course, we never knew who was snapped up either.

That's kind of how I felt about it as well. We explained to every woman in the general meeting that they weren't guaranteed a bid. If they had bad grades, there was next to no chance of getting one. And they might not get their first choice. If they can't handle the possibility of rejection they may want to try again at another time.

It's negative, yeah, but it's reality.

We're told not to encourage suiciding...personally I don't have a problem with it. I did it. But I did have a girl tell me after she got invited back to only two that she couldn't possibly take a bid from her second choice. I told her that yes, it was an option to put down only one sorority, but that she'd be dropped from recruitment if she didn't get matched up. She ended up deciding that she wanted to be in a sorority badly enough to think twice about her second choice...she got it and now loves it. And that's just the way it goes sometimes.

I think the vast majority of women who get their second choice are okay and no one ever knows they didn't suicide their chapter! Only on occasion does a PNM become despondant over getting her second choice, and in my experience it's people who thought they had an "in" with the chapter. I've told this story before...we had a NM who came down our hall crying her eyes out because Phi Mu didn't give her a bid as a double legacy. Oh boo hoo. I pulled her aside and said, very bluntly, "Stop the crying. I understand you are hurt and confused, but there is no changing that you didn't get a bid to Phi Mu. If you keep acting this way, you are going to ruin any chances that you will ever fit in with the group that actually wants you. Dry your eyes, wash your face and put on a big smile. Enjoy today, and you can figure out tomorrow what you're going to do. Just don't ruin today for the girls that are excited to be here!" She stopped crying and did what I said. Her major issue was shock and a feeling that she failed her bio sisters who were Phi Mu's from another chapter. Her mother had actually redecorated her room at home in pink and lions! Her sisters were extremely supportive and told her that they were happy she was an AOII. They even sent her a basket of red AOII items. She is a great AOII to this day. Some people just are not able to hide their emotions well.

The practical part of me asks, if you aren't going to be happy with your second or third choice, why do you list it? If I could choose 3, and could not see myself as happy getting into three groups, I would only list 2.

The emotional side of me understands that it can be hard to "instantly" be psyched with #2 if you obviously had a #1 in your heart. Like, if you audition for a play, and you don't get the lead, but a supporting role, you are probably going to be disappointed at first. But most people didn't get a real part.

I think the important part for the PNM is to realize that someone really wanted them. And that some girls, maybe a lot of girls, didn't get chosen at all.

Recognize the situation for what it IS and not for what it ISN't. What it "IS or "WAS" for me - *I* was invited to be part of a very close, very special group. In the vastness of the school, the world - these girls chose ME to be one of them -for the rest of our academic careers, for life. I was, and still am, deeply honored. Especially because so many years later, these girls still want me.

My advice, then, is to accept what DO have, and an invitation to an Inter/national, lifelong sisterhood is an amazing gift. And honestly, given how little time most PNMs have with the groups during rush, the difference between their top two is mostly in their minds.

The pnm's are really not "allowed" to leave a pref unranked. First, if they are invited back to two houses, they MUST attend those two parties or be dropped from rush. Then, they do everything humanly possible to discourage the pnm from listing only one house on her bid card - even when the girl clearly feels that she only wants one of the houses. So, that can sometimes lead to a girl ranking her houses with the strong feeling that all she wants is first choice and is only ranking number two to keep the Gamma Chi happy.

That aside, my original post was not intended to suggest that we change the way bids are distributed based on these few girls who are disappointed, but to ask what can the chapter or, better yet, PANHLLENIC do as a follow up for these girls. I'm talking about an extra conversation that may, as one of you noted, be a "buck up" speech. Or a pep talk or a time to convince her to count her blessings, etc.

But, if you don't know who those girls are, then you don't know who to reach out to and you risk them feeling unhappy about the sorority from the get go and that (imo) can lead to an unhappy pledge experience. Which gets into the whole 6 week pledgeship vs semester and is another topic for another time! :)

I don't think that a Rho Gamma that forces her PNMs to rank all of her preference chapters regardless of their feelings really has the best interests of her PNMs or the chapters. Of course, she should explain the possible scenarios to the PNM with her choices, but ultimately, neither a Rho Gamma nor a campus Panhellenic can force a PNM to rank all preference chapters.

Like I said before, this is why the women need to open their bids in relative privacy (i.e. with her Rho Gamma and no other PNMs). During the course of recruitment, a good Rho Gamma will be approachable and available and she will check in with each of her PNMs. A good Rho Gamma will know if there is potential for a PNM of hers to be upset about her bid, and she should be able to read her PNM's facial expression when opening the envelope.

With the situation I talked about earlier, all the NM needed was a talk to readjust her perspective. She was focusing on what she DIDN'T have instead of what she DID have. She was fine after that.

At my school, you go to up to 2 sororities for Pref Round. That being said, when you rank on your bid card, you can technically put down all 4 sororities on campus (but that's only if you were invited back to all 4 at one point and declined the other 2 "with interest"). We rank these on our own time in relative privacy, but are allowed to consult with our Gamma Chi (or another Gamma Chi, because as we all know, sometimes there's one that you get along better with than your own, in my case, the Gamma Chi my roommate was assigned to sorta took me under her wing due to my own GC being a little over scheduled and had little time for her GC group; but I digress).

On Bid Day, we wait in a room and are lined up alphabetically by GC group. You're called out into a hallway one by one, and in said hallway you're handed your bid card by someone in Panhellenic Council. You open it, read it, they ask you if you accept, and then a) if you do, you immediately run out to your new sisters, b) if you don't, you leave through the back, and c) if you need more time, you can step aside and think about it "in privacy" (which I stress isn't very private, you just sorta stand off to one side of the hallway).

I think it's a relatively good process, the only thing is that it all happens so fast that you really don't have time to mentally process what's happened in the way of bids that were extended to you. From my experience, I had a hard time with ranking my #1 and #2; I ended up only getting a bid from one of them (which I had ranked #2). But looking back on it, I am EXTREMELY happy that it turned out the way it did; I love my sisters and, looking at the other sorority I had ranked on my card, I know things for sure worked out for the best for me (I loved alot of the older girls in that sorority, but I feel like I would have had difficulties fitting in with the pledge class I would have been a part of).

So the long and short of it - even if you don't get your #1, at least try it out for the pledge period. You may find that you are really in the right place, and if not, you don't have to become a fully initiated member.

So the long and short of it - even if you don't get your #1, at least try it out for the pledge period. You may find that you are really in the right place, and if not, you don't have to become a fully initiated member.
__________________

That is exactly the advice I would give a pnm in that situation, and isn't it nice that you had a moment to think about it when you received your bid card. Maybe someone even said those exact words to you on bid day.

On some campuses, the pnm's (roughly 400 girls) are given their bid cards in a large area where all the members are also in attendance (along with family, friends, etc - it is a big spectator sport) and on the count of three, they open their bid cards. Then, the screaming and hugging and chaos begins...Girls who get their second choice are left to their own devices - sure it works out fine for most. I just feel that our PC sort of washes their hands of the entire process from that moment on.
It's like rowing someone to the middle of a lake and then handing them the oars and jumping overboard. "Thanks for playing, pnm's. We have no more services, or help, or emotional support from this point forward. "

But to be honest, it IS over from their perspective. Once the bids are issued, there's nothing else that can change other than the new member's feelings. You could continue to offer advice and counseling, but it's a lot to ask of rho gammas in my opinion that they would be expected to continue to remain mentally and emotionally disaffiliated enough that they could counsel girls who are new members of other groups.

I think that maybe the way to address this issue, from the PC angle, is to talk about it more during recruitment, so they have some ideas already about what they should do.

Maybe put the realistic information out there about whether re-rushing is a realistic option on your campus: some places it may actually be the case that a girl can decline a bid or drop out during the pledge period and get a different bid, but other campuses, it's not very likely to happen.

This was a good thread! It had advice that's important during recruitment season.

Back in my day and on my campus, there were no bid opening ceremonies. You went to your pref parties (we had a max of 2), and then the next day, you waited in your dorm room. You could see and hear the chapters going throughout the campus and dorms to "pick up" their new pledges. Then, you'd hear a knock on your door (all was quiet in the hallway), and open it up to see your new sisters standing outside of your door, singing and cheering when you opened your door. Your new sorority handed you your bid card to join them.

Ironically, my roommate and I had the same 2 prefs, but ranked them differently. Her sorority came first to our door, and acted sad that they didn't have a bid card to give me. When they left with my roommate, I was so excited, knowing that my number one was on their way to pick me up! But, I would have been happy to go with my roommate too. When it's all said and done, it worked out perfectly for both of us.

Same here, but I would have definitely preferred that my school had a bid opening ceremony at a central location. It was torture for me to see my freshman year roommate get welcomed by her new sisters at our dorm room after I was cut from every chapter after the 2nd round. Then again, I suppose I should have had the foresight to get out of dodge and hide in the library that morning! :D

My first school had a bid opening ceremony. I would have been such a mess if they had come to the dorm as my three best friends (including my roommate) who lived on my floor of 20 women all received a bid to the sorority I SIP and did not receive a bid from.

My second school also had a ceremony, but the rho gammas were placed throughout the PNMs. We also were given lists of where our group members received bids. Most of the rho gams were able to predict which PNMs would be unhappy with their bids.

This is why they CALL (or in these days, email or text) women who did not get a bid WELL IN ADVANCE of any NM picking-up starting. At my school, if you did not get a bid, you were informed by 3 PM. Pickup didn't start until 6 PM. If you wanted to stay in the dorm and wallow and watch everyone else get picked up, that was your own fault.

I saw this older thread down at the bottom of some recruitment threads and suddenly remembered a time when that happened and it almost killed the chapter. This college had 2 sororities that pretty much took who they wanted every year. So a third sorority decided to "challenge" them and go after the most desirable girls in recruitment.

This did not end well. Not only did they ignore a lot of PNMs who were more like the women they usually pledged, but they were second choice for many women who got their first choices. They didn't make quota and also didn't waste any time in telling the new members what a huge disappointment they were (I heard it from someone who was actually there and heard the whole thing). Then, of course, a lot of new members quit immediately.

I always figured that some ill-advised alum had that bright idea.

It does a chapter good to break out of the “we could never get Awesome Ashley” mindset - because you never know, Awesome Ashley may have had it with the hypersocial lifestyle, wants college to be different and wants a down to earth group of sisters, not the popularity queens that she’s been told a zillion times she is a natural for. That being said, ignoring Average Audra at her expense is a bad plan. You have to find a way to make both things work.

The alum who was at Bid Day told me they thought they (let's call them PQ) were going to nab most of the Awesome Ashleys on campus. Because the whole campus seemed to know which girls were really only planning on going AB or CD, AB had cut the girls who were surely going CD and vice versa. So this left a lot of girls who would have only had 1 pref but they chose to go to PQ for the second, knowing that for them it was their first choice or nothing.

And practically all the PNMs got their first choice, leaving PQ with their third bid list--which they then told their new members.

They actually told their new members they were last choice?

They sure did! They let them know that they were scraping the bottom of the barrel with their pledge class. Had it not been a reliable woman who witnessed this and told me about it, I never would've believed it. She did not care that it was her own sorority she was telling me about--she was furious that they had treated their new members like crap!