Are your dating standards too high or too low?
 

Are your dating standards too high or too low? Do you think you need to push them up a few notches because you're not happy, or lower them because you're tired of being alone? Pick a category and why?

Very High: You won't date anyone who is lacking any of the qualities you want in a guy/girl, so you would rather die alone if you can't have what you want. (unrealistic):rolleyes:

High: He/she has to have most of the qualities you want.

Medium High: He/she has to have some of the qualities you want.

Medium: You're not as happy as you would like to be, but you tend to write down the good points and the bad points to compare. If the good out weighs the bad, then you're o.k. with him/her.

Low: You're not happy at all, but you've been screwed over/cheated on so many times that you'll deal with this guy/girl because he/she is faithful to you.

Very Low: You just don't want to be lonely. You love companionship so much that you don't care, as long as you two are together.

Last but not least. At this point in your life do you feel you need to raise your standards or lower them?

I think mine are b/w high and medium/high...but that's only because I have done the low and very low. It just doesn't make sense to have qualities you want in a mate and don't stick with 'em. :rolleyes:

Mine are very high.:)

Mine are high.

Better high than low. Lowering (or worse- dropping) your standards in order to have somebody only makes things worse. It leaves lasting damage that is NOT easy to cure.

Mine are also high. I think people who set their standards too low may have some sort of low self esteem.

There. I fixed it for ya.

Mine are (or were - I'm married) very high. That might seem unrealistic, and it's true I didn't date a lot, but I would much rather be alone than waste time on someone who isn't perfect for me. I liked being single and the freedom that came with it, had lots of guy friends, and didn't spend a lot of time on broken hearts. Everyone has flaws, but why settle for less than the best?

Currenty...how about No standards? What I wouldn't do for some female company to offset being around soldiers all day everyday...

When not surrounded by dudes all the time, I'd set my dating standards as high. Just hooking up...well, I'm don't discriminate as much then. To date a girl though, I don't expect her to be perfect but if I'm not attracted to her, find her interesting, and tolerate any quirks she may have...why bother?

Note that this also works in the reverse - people with incredibly high standards often are doing this to "protect" themselves against rejection, awkwardness, or etc. so they don't have to actually talk to the opposite sex in any substantive fashion.

What??? You totally lost me.:confused:

Please explain.

I understood KSigRC.

I would say that mine are high for a number of reasons. Which means that I am quite bored sometimes. lol....kinda

Many people have unrealistic standards so that they will never be met. When their standards are never met, they can justify their loneliness (anger, bitterness, etc.) based on "well...I guess my standards are high"/"there aren't any good men/women/"I keep to myself because no one's worth it."

It's often about a fear of rejection or compromise. You never allow yourself to compromise with someone who is worth it and you're afraid to be rejected if you do compromise.

I would say that my standards are average, but the people I attract are usually FAR below those standards. Maybe I should relocate, lol.

Some people do have very high standards to protect themselves against further damage. Once upon a time their standards were much lower in order to have someone- and boy did it backfire because what they got certainly were total scum. So by raising your standards, you make sure to filter out scummy people.

Well, the thing is, those people lack balance in their lives. That's not a problem with the people they date but a problem with the person, him/herself.

Their standards were low before (big mistake #1) and now their standards are intentionally unrealistically high (big mistake #2). That's the formula for loneliness.

I always say people with a bad relationship or dating track record are people who: 1) intentionally find a certain type over-and-over again so they can predictably fail because they aren't ready for a relationship or are afraid of a relationship OR 2) people who have internal issues that lead them to unintentionally find a certain type over-and-over again.

Is there some off-the-board drama that you two need to keep to yourselves?

I don't like the scale given. Mine would be considered Very High simply based on the scale. What those traits are and how many there are have more to do with whether they are "too high" or not.

I'm just realizing this isn't the real PB.

Is this cheerfulgreek or a related sockpuppet?

Well, aren't you just the most popular kid in school? I told you...border of identity theft. Always. :rolleyes:

My standards are high, but I believe I hold myself to higher standards than I'd hold anyone else to. I expect a lot of myself, so I give leeway to others because I can't expect everyone I date (or everyone I interact with period) to act according to my way of life. However, if I'm looking at someone to be my life partner, then some things I won't waiver on. I'm a good woman and I deserve the best fit life has to offer me. In other words, I don't have to compromise for a 20 when my 80 is out there--and after I wade through all these busted up 20s, I have a feeling that 80 is gonna feel like 110. ;)

I think that as you date (and hopefully learn from the people that you have dated) your standards would adjust to something realistic. When I was younger, my standards were very high as I got older and wiser, I learned that I had to adjust because some of what I wanted and what I needed didn't mesh and I had to learn to find someone that eventually met more of what I NEEDED than what I wanted. Part of the problem of us setting standards is it's based on what you WANT and sometimes we place unnecessary wants above needs and feel a bit emptier because when we get what we 'want' after a while, you sometimes can feel a little more empty. Yes there are still certain non negotiables that we want (income, kids, location etc.) that we may stick to but at what cost?

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

lol lol at all the PBs. No I'm not the PB trolls. Nice try though. To the real PB. I was kidding when I changed your post. Geez.:rolleyes:

I was totally confused trying to distinguish the difference between the real PB and the troll PB. The only difference between the two are the post numbers. lol :p

Oh, and the real PB is a hottie.http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/...oticons7/8.gif:)


The PBs singing Kappa songs----------------------->http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2..._group_137.gif

lol lol lol lol lol :D

Cheerful...here is my question for you...

What are some of the standards that you have?

Out of the ones you you list what are the ones that most of the guys you have dated failed to achieve?

Can you see yourself adjusting those standards that you have?

What are your non negotiables?

Daemon, I really don't have a lot of standards. I do think one of the most important decisions I can make in life is choosing the right partner. I think choosing the right partner will contribute to my future happiness. We only live once, and the last thing I want is to be with a guy I have no chemistry with. Most women I know are still looking, content with the guy they have, or they wish they had a better one. I want a guy who will commit to me for the long haul. A guy that's loyal, and values it. I want a guy who is more of a listener than a talker, a guy who has a great sense of humor, a guy with ambition, and no he doesn't have to be rich or anything like that, but I want him to achieve his goals no matter what they are,(as long as it's legal):p because if he achieves his goals and enjoys what he does, then I think that can contribute happiness to the relationship. I mean, who wants to be with someone who hates his/her job, wakes up grumpy and goes to bed grumpy?

No guy is perfect and I know I can't have everything I want, but the most important things are a must have.

The last guy I was with, wasn't very honest with me. Honesty is very important to me. His dishonesty made me feel isolated from him and I started to grow further and further away emotionally and physically. Guys like that fall short. The other guys I just dated, but most of them, I wasn't physically attracted to.

I can adjust some of the standards I have, but not very many. I do think sometimes we have to adjust some of the standards we have, because if we didn't I think most of us if not all of us would be lonely.

See...from what I read, that's not asking for a lot...or in some cases can be considered broad...but what I do like is that is that you show that you are open to compromise and not nit picky over small stuff in your assessment.

Honesty does mean a lot and to me it may be a small thing but that small thing goes a long long way.

Sometimes though, people just go too, dammit far....LOL

Alright people...here is a question.

When in assessing someone else's standards (whether it was someone you dated or someone that was a friend) what was perhaps the most unrealistic or unbelieveable standard that person had set?

Why was that broad? Please explain.

This is fine, for whatever that's worth - it's just that many many people who say this (and believe it) really aren't doing it for the right reasons; it's a defense mechanism, and part of the mechanism is buying into it wholeheartedly. So it's a fine edge to walk, but it's certainly possible.

Here's the thing with ridiculously high standards: do you use them as a "threshold" or as a measuring stick?

That is, it's clear most people don't meet the high standards in this thread - do they not meet these standards:

1. Right off the bat - that is, they are disqualified by some quality before you even start
2. After some time, experience or "getting to know you" period (like, after a few dates or interactions)?

The first is a threshold, and is generally a poor strategy - after all, we are all way worse at "reading people" or judging than we think. We overestimate our own abilities.

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

The second part is so true and let me add to that also...

How many times have we met someone that set the bar so high by being everything that we wanted?

If that relationship ends, we leave that bar up there for others to hurdle and wind up ruling out many who come close because we want them to strive higher than the last one and sometime expecting a person to exceed those values we set, winds up costing us too. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if are we really looking for someone to do better than the last good one or to emulate and 'be' that last one.

Ok...you have some people that when asked what are they looking for in a mate, they say the basics and not really go into detail, but it depends on the listener. Once the listener has an idea of what the basics are, they set out to achieve being successful at doing just enough without really going above and beyond...

For instance, and it may be trivial but you would be surprised, you say you want an honest guy. But honest about what exactly?

Some people can work on basics but what about details?

And let's face it...on the other side of the spectrum they may be too honest borderline blunt, or, you may know the whole storybook too soon because of that honesty.

And besides....how honest are both sides really willing to be?

That's where standards kick in. How much of yourself are you willing to give up to the other person and is it equitable to what they are also putting on the table?

My dating standards:

Someone who is honest
Financially stable
Independent
1 or no kids
Non smoker
Not a lot of emotional luggage
Can hold a good conversation

and those are some of my beginners.

take a wild guess at what are my non negotiables are and why....*wink*

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.;)

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair." :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

That's a good point, but I think I tend to leave the bar up high because I have dated a guy who had certain qualities I didn't like and lacked those I wanted (physically). I took a chance and it ended for reasons all related to those shortcomings and my family and friends were looking at me like "Well, you knew that when you started, what did you expect?" So now, I go into it with an attitude of "If it's not what I want, why go there?" I know what I can get past and what I can't and there's just a lot of things that fall into the "can't" pile. :shrug:

You know that's a funny thing dealing with looks...they can chnage over time but at the same time we all tend to stick some 'non negotiables' out on the table...see the Aiming High thread for instance....

We all know what we like physically it's just that we know we would like for the mental to match the physical.

Doesn't help if she is fine but dumb like a box of rocks or have some really nasty habits.

I remember there was a young lady I dated (hehehe and when you are done, it's a wonder that one could still consider her a lady) who had a really bad belching habit...not burp.....BELCH...like a 300 pounder just drank a keg belch....well we went out to dinner once with some of my friends, let one out....and that was the last time I dealt with her....and some of my friends stil won't let me live that down... LOL

Then my posts do not pertain to you because you may not intentionally or unintentionally be setting standards that are unrealistically high and can not be met.

Some people actually do like being alone, which isn't the same thing as being lonely.

Wow there's so many posts I want to repsond to. All of you make so much sense, but when you say honest about what? I'm talking about everything. This isn't rocket science. It's very simple. I just don't like to be lied to. Who does? How could I trust a guy who lies to me? I wouldn't disqualify a guy right off the bat. Of course I would like to get to know him 1st but if I see issues that an ex had that I totally couldn't deal with then I would rather not get involved with that particular guy.

DSTCHAOS, I agree with you. Some people do set their standards so high, that no one can meet them. As I said earlier, I am willing to change some of my standards, but not all of them. If I were to say I'm not changing any of my standards, then I might as will forget it, and stay by myself. To me it's not worth it. I love companionship, but only with the right guy. Daemon mentioned what he wants and that's fine. He mentioned one child or less. For me, it's 0 children. I don't want a guy with children, but that's my personal preference. I like the simple things in life, and I like guys who enjoy doing some of the same things I do. That's chemistry. I'm really outgoing, so if I was with a guy who also talked a lot, then how could he be a good listener? I think it's all about preference. That's what it all boils down to if you really want to break the whole relationship thing down. I think people make it so much harder than it actually is.

KSig, you leave Dr. Phil alone!:mad::p I like Dr. Phil.:)

I want to answer this. I've had unrealistic standards thrown at me, but they were standards that he wasn't attracted to. As far as I know of it had nothing to do with me as a person. I think sometimes if not most of the time, a great personality can out weigh the physical down falls, and that can be in the way a person carries themselves, the way that person dresses, or anything for that matter.