Smart Women being stupid in relationships...and the friends who pick up the pieces!!
 

Ok, this is sort of a vent for me, but feel free to offer advice. I have a friend who has a great job, is intelligent and successful, but pathetic in relationships.
Here's the story: she dated Mr. X who was seperated-not divorced-for almost 2 years. Then they break up, I don't know why. Fast forward to spring 2007 for round 2. They date for about 6 months. He's still NOT divorced, but going to do it for sure this time. They start travelling together, he's giving her jewelry, they talk about opening a business together and getting married in Hawaii in a couple of years. I start to worry. The date of his final divorce deadline(the one where you've filed and the time elapses and then you have to officially keep pushing for divorce) comes up. Mr. X tells my friend that his counselor tells him he needs a "break". That was 2 months ago and she hasn't seen or heard from him since. Now, she has to return all his crap-so her plan is to pack it up, leave it on his doorstep, RING THE DOORBELL, and leave. She's even giving back the jewelry.

We were discussing this and she's like-I want him to live with this/he thinks it's just a break and I want him to know I'm not sitting here waiting for him/I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to get the jewelry back one day.

Ok-no, he doesn't think it's just a break (does he??). And you're admitting you'd get back with him!! While I want to be supportive of her, because she's a good friend, part of me wants to be like-enough of this!!! Stop being pathetic!!! (I forgot to mention he's about 20 years older than her). Argggh!!!

The fact that she is returning everything and doing it with no contact speaks louder than anything that's coming out of her mouth. If she really thought the relationship was salvageable she wouldn't do that - she'd make him come get it. Let her stream of conciousness go and let her say whatever comes out of her mouth, and don't overanalyze or deride her about it. She doesn't need it right now.

If she was really good she sell the stuff....hehehe....

any movie watchers remember the $1 sale......??

DON'T LET HER GIVE BACK THE JEWELRY. Encourage her to sell it and maybe start her own business or something (like they had discussed). She needs something to keep her busy and in these economic times, it can't hurt to have a lil something on the side. He's already well-established in life with a 20 year advantage. She could focus on getting where she needs to go/getting what she wants out of life. She seems to be taking a positive step in the right direction (by giving back his stuff), but what will be the next step?

Oh heck yeah!! And the flaming Volvo or BMW. Angela is my hero!

I wouldn't have torched the car........lol....hehehe...but back then...there was no ebay...HA!

To the OP:

Possession is 9/10th of the law--or at least that how the comment goes...

If he wants to file a writ in court, he needs to come back and get his stuff unless she has already sold it...

Why mess with a fool anyway with this on-off yes-no separated/divorce BS? :rolleyes:

I literally stopped reading after you wrote separated but not divorced.

I wouldn't have either.

But the OPs friend sould definately keep the jewelery or sell it. Giving it back....... not the best idea. But if this gets the jerk out of her life then so be it!

Sounds like she got the title right tho....heh

I tried really hard to convince her to keep the jewelry! Some of it is diamonds, and you never know when you might need an extra spot of cash!!! I joked to her-keep it-one day you can say, hey Mr. X just paid off my speeding ticket!! Or, Mr. X just helped me pay last month's credit card bill!!! But she just said that looking at it was too hard( then hide the damn things!!)-and she wanted to return it to make a statement. And that she hoped one day to get it back...

Better topic: Smart people who have stupid friends and get too involved in their stupid friends' lives.

Your friend's situation that she placed herself in sucks. If she asks for your opinion give it to her and move on. I wouldn't devote much time to thinking about it or being involved in it. You should have better things to do with your time.

Aaaahhhhh-ha. And there it is. This is what I assumed when I read the first post. Your friend is deluding herself that she is making the "big statement", thinking it will "scare" him and finally get him "seeing straight." And in return, she expects the "grand gesture" from him... she probably pictures him crawling back, 2 dozen roses in hand, the box of "stuff" (including jewelry) pathetically tucked under his arm, tears streaming down his face as he confesses the epiphany he's finally had and that he just filed the divorce paperwork...

It's not going to happen. He will take all of the stuff back, either re-gift it to his wife (or next girlfriend) or stash it away for a similar future use. She won't see it again. Her train's already wrecked, you unfortunately just need to stand back and wait until she smells the smoldering remains. I once tried to 'save' a friend of mine like this, we're no longer friends, and she's still single and miserable but making it everyone else's problem.

Just a word of encouragement...
Keep up the good work of being her friend when she is in need. I know it's not easy (and sometimes absolutely frustrating) to help a friend in this kind of situation, but I'm sure she really appreciates it.
ETA: To echo what nittanyalum said, you really can't "save" a friend in this situation. It's hard because you want to be able to make it better, and sometimes you just can't. But still being there to spend time with her and be supportive is really important.

I wondered if she suspects that he is back with his wife and wants to leave it on his porch hoping that the wife finds it and "punishes" him by leaving him or making him miserable.

whatever you do....don't be an enabler...hehehehe!

Yes, I'm sure that's what she thinks. And that he'll then come running into her arms, realizing that she's been the right woman for him all along...

And I agree, Jenn, you're being a great friend and I give you credit for that. Just be careful she doesn't drag you too far into her drama -- I've seen the other side of that and it's ugly.

"Love's Hangover - Everything $1." I loved it! "Enjoy your skis!"

That's what I'm saying... Geez!

JennRN,
Simply state to your friend... that as your "financial advisor" I am advising you to take one last look at the jewelry before returning it and pray about your decision.(while she is praying knock her in the head and keep it moving)LOL! (Sorry I couldn't resist) Naw but on the for real tip. If closure is what she is looking for and that is the only way she can find it then so be it. I had a friend to do the same thing... She returned a $1500 necklace and ring set to her long time "buddy" to this day I still remind her of it. In this life friends are going to do several things we don't understand and simply that is usually why you love them...

Co-sign 100%. I have a friend who is being utterly stupid right now as well. All you can do is offer your two cents and promise to be there for them. It's hard to not get drawn in. But by doing so it shows that you care. That's the job of a friend! :)

Hmmm. I wonder who's jewelry it was? His wife's?:rolleyes: I'd give it back (unless it was new).:p

i think she should give it back and forget about him. maybe give her the book hes just not that into you...and tell her to read it!!! then make her read they call it a break up cause its broken. two really good books and it might help her and you out!

One of my best friends had an issue with a guy she was dating who was... misbehaving. He had just given her a really cute diamond necklace before all the proverbial stuff hit the fan.

You know what she did?

Took a hammer, took the necklace, and Fed-Ex'd the pieces to his office.

A bit extreme, but she said it was a good "release".

I still have the jewelry my ex's have given me, 'cause hey, they are nice pieces of jewelry! I've just mentally blocked the sentimental value that they used to have, and if someone asks where I got them, I say my parents bought it for me :D I don't wear them often, but I do sometimes.

I did have a TV that I literally gave away though... one X gave it to me a few years back, and when I finally had enough, I put up a Myspace bulletin: "Free 32" TV" and gave it to the first taker who agreed to come pick it up. I got a shiny new TV and I wouldn't have it any other way :D

i have all the jewelry that my ex has given me...gold bracelets, diamond bracelets, rings, etc. when we broke up, it never dawned on me to give back the jewelry. i looked too good in it. don't be fooled, taking the items to his house and leaving it on the doorstep and ringing the bell is a way for her to try and get back at him. she knows that he and his wife (because he's still married) are still together and she's hoping to disrupt something in his present relationship and make him come back to her. who i feel sorry for is his wife, who probably has no idea that he's been in a long term relationship with another woman.