Pregnant and in a sorority
 

Im a sophomore at a southern university with a strong greek campus and over Christmas break I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend, who is also involved in greek life down here, and i are concerned over how to break the news to our organizations. His obviously wont have as big as an impact, but I am concerned with how I should approach my sisters. Part of me is very excited and wants to share this with them, but I worry about our reputation and rumors that other organizations will start against us if they find out. I don't know if this will cause them to pull my letters or not and I have considered dropping, or waiting to drop until I start to show in about 2 months. I dont know how to approach this situation and there is nothing in our bylaws about this type of problem. I could really use some advice!

Wow, is it really that serious? I've met several women who have been pregnant/had young children during their undergraduate years. They all seemed to be embraced by their sisters, and in some instances, by other organizations as well.

I'm looking forward to seeing some additional comments about this topic. This is a bit interesting.

i certainly can't speak for your sisters but unless ZTA is a christian sorority (which i'm pretty sure it's not) i can't see why you would have to drop for getting pregnant. i would talk to someone higher up you're close to first (maybe your big sister or someone on E-board that you're friends with) and see what they think about it, because i can understand why you may fear judgement from other groups. i can only hope that your sisters would support you and discuss maturely what would be for the best of the chapter AND you instead of going "OMG SLUT GIMME UR LETTERS".

You need to immediately talk to your alumna advisor to find out your options. Will you stay in school after the birth of the baby?

Having a new baby AND going to school will be very taxing. I think going alumna, if an option, may be your best bet. I was in graduate school when I had my first one, and thought it would be a piece of cake to finish my thesis with the new baby. HA! I did finish, but it took 5 extra months - and I could do all my research and writing on my own time.

I wish you and your baby the best. I hope and pray your sisters will be supportive, and that you are able to work it out.

eta -Wait - Christians don't get pregnant??? Even a "Christian" sorority would, I hope, "hate the sin but love the sinner". I would shudder to think that kicking a member out would be their "Christian" response. WWJD, indeed.

There was a Zeta at my university (at the time I was going through rush) who was still an active & a mom at the same time. Just be honest with your sisters.

Congratulations to you and your boyfriend on the birth of a legacy! :D

You already have some excellent advice. I would just suggest that you make sure that you and your boyfriend "break the news" to your respective chapters at the same time. Otherwise, unwanted rumors may spread.

Just my thoughts--definitely check into what your national says about this and get the necessary official policy.

You said you were only about 8 weeks along, right? If so, maybe considering holding off on announcing it to everyone for a few more weeks, till you are for sure into 2nd trimester. Not to be a nervous nellie and I'm sure your pregnancy is healthy and fine, but even in the work world, women keep this kind of news under wraps until after 1st trimester--to know with better certainty the pregnancy will be ok (after the initial ultrasound and workup with the OB) and because, frankly, it's no one else's business at this point. Yes, your sorority's reputation could be affected to some degree by this getting out, and if you are someone who drinks. people will probably begin to wonder if you aren't drinking when you're going out, etc. Still, I do know of women who have told the world at 8 weeks, and then...something happens with the pregnancy and perhaps it would have been easier for everyone if the news had not been shared.

Are you planning to keep the baby or give it up for adoption?

Oops-I re-read your post and saw that you were 8 weeks along at Christmas time. So, never mind--you're probably close to 12 weeks by now!! :( I hope your chapter and leaders are supportive of you!! They should be!

Were these women in NPC sororities at a very Greek Southern school?

None are NPC. They were NALFO, NPHC, and local.

One was at a very Greek school (SMU). The others were at much less competitive schools. From what I've read on here, it looks like the Southern Greek school have minds of their own, but I think it's strange that a pregnancy would cause THAT much of a problem.

NPCs are a completely different animal from NPHCs & NALFO groups. NPCs at BIG SOUTHERN SCHOOLS are even more different.

i meant that that's the only reason i could see why a sorority would kick a girl out...if it's a christian centered sorority that would say she's not adhering to their moral standards. i didn't mean to imply that if she were in one, she would be kicked out. sorry if i was unclear. i would HOPE that kicking a member out wouldn't be their response but i've heard far more bizzare stories come out of christian organizations.

I thought that the differences were mostly with rush/recruitment. I had no idea it extended into active membership as well. Oh well, you learn something new every day.

Just out of curiousity, what kind of problems could arise from an active sister's pregnancy (aside from rumors/image problems)? I'm just trying to gain a better understanding on why this is such a big deal.

It's not so much problems for the sorority itself as it is problems for the member.

Most sorority members are traditional college students (18-23ish). She might feel alienated because she isn't like most of the girls in the chapter. She might feel badly because she can't participate in some of the activities (i.e. I doubt a pregnant woman would want to come to a CEOs & Secretaries date party).

Thanks for that. What about with non-social activities (service, programming, etc)?

Amen to that! Part of the Christian morals include extending a helping hand- NOT pushing others down.

Plus prohibitions against premarital sex are part of the tenets of many religions, not just Christianity.

Best wishes on your pregnancy.

My beef with those who would get upset about a pregnancy is that unless they are pure as the driven snow they would be the world's greatest hypocrites to criticize a sister who became pregnant. Unless you are going to punish ALL the members who EVER have sex, it should not be a moral issue.
It sounds like the op is in a committed relationship, as opposed to someone sleeping with everything in fraternity letters. I am opposed to the idea that a sister who snuck off to an abortionist would get off scot free, while a responsible sister who is trying to deal with a difficult situation in a mature and loving way might be punished.

- end of rant. I'm sorry - the older I get, the more I think that we need to be more loving, more understanding and more compassionate when dealing with each other.

Thanks to all of you for your helpful advice, My boyfriend and I are keeping the baby and getting married in December after he graduates and I intend to probably take a semester off in the fall. My biggest concern is how I can tell my sisters and them not get upset and make it into a drama fest when this is something that is really important to me. Alot of the seniors in our chapter are very judgemental towards us younger girls and feel that we are "too wild" and I am afraid this will just be an excuse for them to lash out. I know that sounds messed up because were supposed to be sisters, but not everyone is perfect and I love the sisters that Im close to and my pledge class very much. Luckily my grand big is the president and her and I are very close so Im thinking of telling my family first and letting them help me decide... Its rough but Im happy and healthy and in the end thats all that matters

ZLAM

Very true. Good luck with everything.

It's the whole "sorority public image" thing. We can't get around the hypocrisy. Like when most of us drank in college but god forbid--when the photo op came at a party and we were in letters or had some identifying jewelry on--beer cups flew out of sight ASAP.

My Theta roommate had stories about a "standards chair" from her chapter who would follow sisters around at parties, and if someone was dancing provocatively or had too short of a skirt on, she'd hiss "TNT" (That's Not Theta) at them and make them go home. That same girl was the one who'd go home and sleep with random guys and she'd also smoke down in the library cafeteria while wearing her letters (back in the days when smoking in public areas wasn't totally banned everywhere).

One of my daughters' sisters got pregnant her first year at a big Southern university. This very large group was excited for her and threw her a shower!

Worst case scenario?

Suzy Sister announces to ABC that she's pregnant. Various reactions from Yeah! to OMG You Slut! Word gets out to other chapters, the fraternities and the general school population. Again, various reactions. Next formal recruitment impresionable freshman hear about the Pregnant ABC. "OMG really? They must all be tramps!" "Yeah, I'ver heard you have to do all sorts of things that even a coked out Lindsay Lohan wouldn't do!" "Wow, they seemed so nice but I would never pledge them." ABC doesn't meet quota and strugle with COB due to rumors. The next year not only are they Slutty ABC but they're not "top tier" and they're "fat". Because pregnant girls are "fat" right? They continue to struggle with numbers for several years and their HQ does everything they can and even tries a recolonization but it's no good. All because some gossip mongers couldn't keep their mouth shut! :rolleyes:

My chapter had a girl who got pregnant the summer after I graduated. She stayed in school until she gave birth and then moved in with her parents and transfered schools. Since I already graduated I don't know the full extent of how the chapter was effected but I know that the above mentioned worst case scenario did not occur. I will tell you that some of the more powerful advisors had some very conservative views about the whole thing though.

My advice to the OP is to get an idea of what you want to do before telling the chapter. Like whether or not you'll be attending the same school after the baby is born. Whether or not you'll want to even be an active sister. If I was in the same situation I'd want to take alum status if it was an option but to each their own.

Most of the time if a chapter has a negative reaction to this type of news it's because they're very concerned with their campus rep. Either they want to maintain a good one or are trying to build up a good rep.

^^^ Thank you. I've been in my fraternity for 5 years, so of course I've dealt with the "public image" thing, but I've never experienced it happening with a pregnancy. But then again, we don't have to deal with formal recruitment, so I'm sure that's why I've been in the dark with this.

Anyway, I hope the OP does fine, whatever route she decides to take.

I think KSU Violet gave you the absolute best advice. I doubt they will "pull your pin" as we use to say but emergency alum status is a possibility. You MUST check with your advisor who knows how your sorority works. Trust me you are not the first nor will you be the last. I am happy that you are feeling positive about your news and I know it will work out with your sisters.

Congrats Sister! If you and your Zeta family decide it's best to go ahead and tell everyone - which at some point you'll have to - why not make it known that you are happy about this and hope that your sisters will support you by having a candlelight instead of acting like it's some big secret? If they all know how happy you are, they will be too. Set the tone yourself and they'll follow suit. Good luck, ZLAM!

Well I haven't seen any responses from Zeta's here yet (that I can tell) so maybe you've heard from them by PM, the rest of us can only tell you what we hope or guess would be the case. We don't know your seniors or campus, but my guess is you're fearing the absolute worst case scenario and it won't be that bad. Talking to your "family" first sounds like a great plan, particularly if your big is the President. And if you or she are close with any of your alumnae or advisors, perhaps you tell them first too before telling the chapter to get as much advice, perspective and support as you can.

I understand the "oh no!" scenarios people are saying could happen with the "reputation" concerns, etc., but I think you have a much different situation than someone, say, who just had a one-night stand and got pregnant. This is your boyfriend, you're getting married, your families assumably know, presented with all of that context, you may just get lots of girls jumping up and screaming and excited about throwing you a shower and being an "aunt". Maybe consider having a candlelighting, blow it out for "engagement", let everyone lose their minds with excitement, and throw out at the end "and we're pregnant!" That way, the pregnancy "follows" the news about your being engaged. Then, if you've already decided with the President and alumnae/advisors that you're going alum, let everyone know and stop wearing your letters as you start to show out of consideration for the "name" of the group. I don't think people will be as concerned about it as you fear, depending on how you present the information, then present yourself afterward.

If you and your fiance ;) are excited and ready for this, then good for you, and I'm betting your chapter will support you (for the most part, there are always "those sisters" in every chapter, but ignore them). Congratulations and good luck!


ETA: Strike my comment about there not being feedback from ZTA's yet, Sthrn just popped in while I was typing!

I was wondering if anyone was going to suggest a candlelight. I'm completely with SthrnZeta on this. Celebrate it! Does the chapter know you're getting married in December?

It's not the 1950's anymore. Sure, it might not be ideal timing, but you're getting married and having a baby! This is happy news. Don't worry about reputations. You're not doing anything wrong.

Congratulations and best wishes! :)

First, congrats on the little one! Second, we have done candle passes for alumnae sisters who were expecting... it's a magical and wonderful moment! I hope you'll be able to have an amazing experience when you tell the chapter and that they'll be supportive. (I love Carnation's example of the sorority throwing a shower - what an experience that must have been from such a large group of women!) Best of luck!!! :)

Also, don't worry about getting your letters pulled, that's silly. Early alum status though, probably a good idea simply because you won't have time to be active. Like I said, celebrate your motherhood and include your sisters in your happiness :)

Im going to PM you ... while I dont have direct experience with this I do know some things that can help you out. :)

ZTABerry28- I hope you don't mind but I PMmed you.

Just thinking...I can tell you as the reigning queen of pregnancies around here (haha!) that nearer the end of your pregnancy, your thoughts will center obsessively on the baby. Your house could burn down around you, your neighbors could fly to Venus, and all you'll be thinking about is your pregnancy and your baby.

So don't be surprised later on if staying active is the last thing on your mind...

While I was pledging, I remember one of the seniors getting pregnant. She took early alum status. Everyone in my chapter was very understanding of her situation. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

I think nittanyalum has a great idea! It's amazing how people take news if it's presented as a positive rather than a negative. Being engaged does seem to take the (gasp) scandal out of being pregnant and unmarried. This, at least, will give you time to decide whether or not being active after getting married and having your child is of any importance to you.

There are a lot of people who find the time it takes to be in a sorority to be difficult while just being a student.

If it was me, I would let your sisters know and maybe plan on going early alum. If you go early alum, you will still be able to help your house without having it high on your time-worry list. I cannot tell you how much we love having alums around to help and participate with us.

That is gonna be one very Greek baby! And I wish you all the love, sisterhood, and energy I can muster! (you will need it with the baby)

Congratulations to you and your fiance. When I was active with my college chapter, one of our new members became pregnant before Initiation. She dropped out, but we were more than happy whenever she stopped by at "tables" to say hello.

I think your sisters will be very supportive during this time. Best of luck to you!

PS - I think a candlelight is a great idea. I always wanted to have one...

After thinking about it since my fiance is going alum when he graduates early alum status is probably best for me and our baby. Im staying in school to finish my degree with the help of my family and since he will be graduate he'll be working and honestly I wont have much time for socials and recruitment, but i want to stay involved in the sisterhood.

Sounds like a good plan. And remember, when the baby is a little older, you've graduated and have a little more free time - Zeta will still be there. Alumna involvement, while different, brings its own rewards!