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Favorite SNL Quotes
What are your favorite lines from Saturday night live?
Mine are... "Jane, you ignorant slut" and "Delta, Delta, Delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya" |
"I'll take 'the rapists' Alex" -- "Sean Connery" on Jeopardy mis-reading "Therapists."
Jane, you ignorant slut. Toonces, look out! "That's crazy!" Brian Fellows Safari Planet |
"Shwiiiiiing!"
"She's choppin' broccoi!" (check it on youtube) "I'm Gumby, damn it!" :mad: |
I tried, but really could not just pull one (or two) line out of this, my favorite of all-time sketches (but the Jeopardy ones with Will Ferrell & the guy doing Connery run a close second, Senusret), the holiday edition of "The Delicious Dish":
Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year - Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls. Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete. Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season's Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Popcorn Balls, Cheese Balls, Rum Balls.. you name it. Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth's watering just thinking about those Balls! Teri Rialto: It's been years since I've seen any Balls. Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now? Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out. [ Pete places a tray of Balls on the control board ] Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls.. Margeret Jo McCullen: They're bigger than I expected. Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that. Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri - the way they glisten. Pete Schweddy: That's because I make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil. Margeret Jo McCullen: I can't help but, notice, Pete - your Balls are a little misshapen. Pete Schweddy: That's because I rested them on a hot stove too long. Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls. Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they're very delicate. Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can't wait to get my mouth around his Balls. Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell.. Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure. Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say - your Balls are so tender.. Pete Schweddy: Well, there's no beating my Balls. They're made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls. Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball. Teri Rialto: Good Balls. Link to the full transcript: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/98/98idish.phtml (you can watch it on youtube too) It just makes me howl every time, even just reading it, I picture them hovered over their mikes talking in those whispered, monotone voices. Hilarious! And fun fact, when I googled to find the skit, I found a site for golf balls called "Schwetty Balls". They don't outright say it, but in the "our story" link it seems clear they named it after this sketch. (and one of the founders' names is Head - tee hee ;)) |
"Christmas-A d*ck in a box
Chanukah-A d*ck in a box..."etc. and the Natalie Portman raps skit is hilarious. |
..In A Box is the funniest skit I've seen on SNL in a LONG time.
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A lot of people say, "What's that?" It's Pat!
A lot of people ask, "Who's he? Or she?" A ma'am or a sir, accept him or her or whatever it might be. It's time for androgyny. Here comes Pat! |
We need more cowbell!
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"It's a dessert topping!"
"It's a floor wax!" "You pick it, you stun it, you skin it, you grill it, you eat it!" "Cheeseburger, Pepsi, chips." "No Pepsi, Coke." "Two wild and crazy guys looking for American foxes!" And my favorite - "Please pass the sweet and sour shrimp." |
Well, isn't that special?
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"Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not."
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Cheri Oteri: "Simma Down Now!"
Chris Katan as Antonio Bandaras: "No, no...it's too sexy!" Any Jeopardy sketch, but especially the one with Jimmy Fallon as Nick Cage: "Wait, wait...are you selling Penis Mightiers?" Mike Myers as the Coffee Talk Lady: "I'm getting vaclemped! Talk amongst yourselves." In a Christmas sketch with Rachel Dretch playing Bill Gates: "Microsoft has just bought Christmas! I'm not sure what we'll be renaming it yet; maybe Mirco-mas or Christma-soft" Christoper Walkin: "I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell." |
Toonces, the Driving Cat
The Cat who could Drive a Car He drives around, all over the town Toonces, the Driving Cat Get Food Town, it's cheaper. So Christie, are you still going out with that a-hole Paul? I don't understand your strange ways. I'm just a caveman. LA DEE FRICKIN DAH!! |
Land Shark!
[Scene: A New York apartment. Someone knocks on the door.]
Woman: [not opening the door] Yes? Voice: (mumbling) Mrs. Arlsburgerhhh? Woman: What? Voice: (mumbling) Mrs. Johannesburrrr? Woman: Who is it? Voice: [pause] Flowers. Woman: Flowers for whom? Voice: [long pause] Plumber, ma'am. Woman: I don't need a plumber. You're that clever shark, aren't you? Voice: [pause] Candygram. Woman: Candygram, my foot. Get out of here before I call the police. You're the shark, and you know it. Voice: I'm only a dolphin, ma'am. Woman: A dolphin? Well...okay. [opens door] [Huge latex and foam-rubber shark head lunges through open door, chomps down on woman's head, and drags her out of the apartment, all while the Jaws attack music is playing.] |
A van down by the river!
Matt Foley: You kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the world by the tail and wrap it around pull it down and put it in my pocket!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to JACK SQUAT!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river!
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I'm an old timer..."It's Always Something!".
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"Who's that Spartan in my tee-pee?" "It's me, it's me!"
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"LAY OFF I'M STARVING!!!!! "
I'll just eat a sugar packet or two That skit at the mall where they work at the gap with Chris Farley, David Spade and Adam Sandler is one of my absolute faves! Nutbrnhair- DEF the one with Matt Foley The Santa Claus one where the parents don't understand why santa didn't bring the presents All of the Jeopardy skits Another fave is 2 aholes and a travel agent with Matt Dillon "I wanna go to Europe, I wanna drive there" Ma'am, its on another continent, you cannot drive there. "you can if you drive a BOAT" I have a ton of faves, I"m an snl freak so i'll post more later |
I like the two a-holes when they go to the adoption agency and point to a picture of Scooter (or Skeeter?) and say "I want that one."
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The Jeopardy! skits are the best!
Emily Litella: "Never mind." ("What is all this fuss I hear about the Supreme Court decision on a "deaf" penalty? It's terrible! Deaf people have enough problems as it is!") The Dan Ackroyd as Julia Child skit, when she ends up bleeding all over everything. The Olympia Cafe (alledgedly Chicago's Billy Goat Tavern): "Cheezborger, Cheezborger, Cheep, Cheep, Pepsi, Pepsi" |
I thought of another sketch I really love. Darrell Hammond as President Clinton:
"I can do this (bites lip). I can do this (gives thumbs up). I can do this while I do this (bites lip and gives thumbs up at the same time)." |
Versace Pockets where Matt Damon is Axle Rose and sings "You're in the microwave baby! You're gonna get eaten!" while running around all crazy-like.
That never fails to crack the husband and me up. |
John Belushi as Samuri Deli
http://www.jibjab.com/view/98045 |
OMG you have all stolen some of my faves.
Favorite sketches: 1. Dana Carvey - Massive Headwound Harry 2. Alec Baldwin, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon - Schweaty Balls "My mouth's watering just think about those balls." "It's been years since I've seen any balls" "Would you like to see my balls now" "You have some beautiful balls" "They're bigger than I expected" "That's why I make sure that each of my balls gets plenty of oil" "No one can resist my Schweaty Balls" 3. Rachel Dretch as Debbie Downer at Disneyland (feat. Lindsey Lohan) 4. Gay Sclitz Beer commercial - Adam Sandler, Chris Farley 5. Mary Katherine Gallagher - Molly Shannon - with guest star Gwenyth Paltrow "Well, my feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie "Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story". And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. [ poises herself ] "You think that I'm afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I'm just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, 'cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I'll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! 'Cause if I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I'll take my two bare hands and I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! 6. Tim Meadows as The Ladies Man Leon Phelps: Hello? Alright, then, I'm going to take a sip off this Courvoisier, 'cause it's getting chilly in here. [ sips Courvoisier ] Alright, then, next caller, go ahead. This is The Ladies Man. Caller #3: Hello, Ladies Man. Leon Phelps: Hey, it's a lady! How you feeling tonight, lady? Caller #3: Well, not so good. I'm having some problems with my self-esteem Leon Phelps: Your self-esteem. Yeah. Now, what is that? Caller #3: Well.. I don't feel good about myself. Leon Phelps: Oh no, now, that's not good. Uh, why do you feel that way? Caller #3: Well, I have a bit of a weight problem, and it's hard, you know, to meet guys. Leon Phelps: Yeah, yeah, well, The Ladies Man is here to help you. Um.. so tell me, uh, how fat are you? Caller #3: I'm like, 210. Leon Phelps: Now, that is big. Um, I was not expecting you to say anything over 200 pounds. Uh, I was basically expecting, like, 130, 135.. yeah, you are a big woman. Um, my advice to you is to, uh, avoid any type of food product that your neighborhood supermarket might try to sell you. [tips glass] But here's to you, Fat Lady. The Ladies Man loves you, but not in any type of sexual, or love-type way. [laughing] I see my stage manager Martell finds the plight of that last call amusing. |
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The Adam Sandler "Gimme some candy!" Halloween skit!
I found it here: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/86398/halloween_costumes/ |
i like to stretch, and kick, and stretch. I'm fifteh!
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http://youtube.com/watch?v=iVcaFO2bpnM http://youtube.com/watch?v=lcFIG4DJdhU http://youtube.com/watch?v=qRma5hVDXpY |
The Sweeney Sisters
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One of my favorites is when Jesse Jackson was on Weekend Update and read "Green Eggs and Ham"
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thank you!!!! i do this alllll the time in the club. :D |
Fresh-a pepper?
Adam Sandler and Dana Carvey were the men!
Marco: A-fresh a-pepper? Female Diner #1: Oh.. sure. Marco: Alright. Say when. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ] Female Diner #1: When. Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi! [ turns to Male Diner #1 ] Fresh pepper? Male Diner #1: Just a little bit, Marco: Alright. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ] Say when. Male Diner #1: Uh.. that's good. Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi! [ Marco walks towards the back, where Carlo nervously awaits ] Marco: Look, Carlo, come here! You see what I am doing with the pepper? You see what I do with the pepper? Carlo: Yes, Senor Marco.. Marco: The people! The people they want the pepper, alright? They want the pepper! I grind the pepper! That is the job of the pepper boy, you understand?! Carlo: Fresh-a pepper. Marco: Yes. Very good, very good. Some day, Carlo, you will-a be a pepper boy! Now, watch. You pick up as a-we a-go, okay? Come on, now. [ approaches next couple at table, as Marco follows closely ] Fresh.. pepper? Female Diner #2: Sure. Marco: [ begins to grind pepper in a sexy manner ] Say wheeenn.. [ Female Diner #2 moans excitedly ] Marco: Say wheeeeennnnnn.. Female Diner #2: When! When! [ stands up to kiss Marco on the lips ] Marco: A-graziiiii! [ returns to Carlo ] You see? You see, Carlo? You see how the pepper works, Carlo? Carlo: I am afraid, Senor Marco.. not be afraid of the pepper, Carlo! The pepper is your friend! Alright? Look! I see a salad! You go, you take-a the pepper. [ hands pepper [COLOR=blue ! important][COLOR=blue ! important]grinder[/COLOR][/COLOR] to Carlo ] Carlo: [ hesitant ] No, no, no.. Carlo: You take-a the pepper, Carlo! Take-a the pepper! Take-a the pepper! Now, go! Go with the pepper. Carlo: [ approaches table cautiously ] Fresh-a pepper? Male Diner #2: Sure. Sounds good. Carlo: [ bows ] A-grazi! [ returns to Marco ] Marco: Carlo, didn't you forget-a something, huh? Carlo: Uh.. oh, yes.. [ returns to table, kisses Male Diner #2, returns to Marco ] Marco: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Carlo! No! You make-a a mistake! Carlo: The a-grazi? Marco: No! That part, the a-grazi was good! But you no give-a the pepper! That's the whole point, Carlo! Here. you watch me, alright? Here we go. Watch-a the pepper. [ takes pepper grinder and approaches table ] Fresh-a pepper? Male Diner #2: Yes. I've been waiting quite some time for this pepper I've heard so much about. Marco: Say whenn.. [ grinds pepper from behind his back ] You like-a the pepper, huh? Male Diner #2: Wow! Very good! Marco: You like-a the fresh-a pepper, huh? Let's-a get some pepper in there.. let's-a get some pepper. [ raises one leg on Male Diner #2's [COLOR=blue ! important][COLOR=blue ! important]chair[/COLOR][/COLOR], then places pepper grinder between his legs to grind pepper as though masturbating ] You like-a the pepper? Male Diner #2: [ excited ] Yeahhh.. Marco: You like-a the pepper? Male Diner #2: That's good! Marco: Senorita, like-a the pepper, huh? You like-a the pepper? Male Diner #2: That's very good, thank you so much! Marco: [ stands behind Male Diner #2, who has his arms raised, grinding the pepper with him between the action ] Let's-a get back over-a here. Remember, to-a say when, let's get behind here, give-a more pepper. You like-a that, huh? Male Diner #2: Yeah! Marco: You like-a that, huh? Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh! Marco: You like-a that, huh? Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh! Yeahhhhh! Yeah! Marco: Alright! Male Diner #2: Thank you very much! Your wizardry with that pepper mill really brightened my day! Here's $200! Marco: A-grazi! [ returns with Carlo to the back ] Now, now, now.. come here, come here.. come here, Carlo! Now, now! Let me tell you! You see what I do with the pepper, huh? You see? You got to also say "When?" and then, you also got to give them the pepper! Okay? Carlo: When? Marco: Yes! Carlo: Give-a the pepper. Marco: Yes! That's-a very good! Very good! I be-lieve in all-a my heart, you can do this, Carlo! Now.. try again, alrght? You take-a the pepper, you try again. Let's-a go. Carlo: Fresh-a pepper? Male Diner #3: On my chocolate mousse? No thank you. Carlo: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper onto the chocolate mousse ] Male Diner #3: No! [ Carlo keeps grinding ] Hey, cut it out, come on! Carlo: Say when. Male Diner #3: No, come on! Don't! Carlo: Say when! Male Diner #3: No, come on! Come on! Carlo: [ places the grinder between his legs, gridning the pepper toward the mousse as though he were humping the table ] Say when! Say when! Say when! Say when! Marco: Carlo! Carlo! Carlo! [ slaps Carlo repeatedly across the face ] Carlo, I love you, but sometimes.. Carlo: I do bad things? Marco: No, no, no, no, not everybody want the pepper, Carlo! There are rules! The man eat a chocolate mousse, he no get the pepper! Alright! Carlo: No pepper? Marco: No pepper! But the woman with the Caeser salad, she a-get a-the pepper! Carlo: Pepper! Marco: That's right. This is the art of the pepper boy, Carlo! Don't let it die with me! Please.. let me-a teach it to you! Carlo: Teach me, Senor Marco. Marco: Alright. You see the man right there. [ points to Male Diner #4, who sports a big, fat bushy beard ] Yeah. Carlo: Biiiigggg, faaaattt bushy beard? Marco: Big, fat bushy beard. He like-a three twists of pepper! Carlo: Three? Marco: Three! Now.. make-a me proud! Hah? [ Carlo nervously zeroes in on Male Diner #4 ] Carlo: Fresh-a pepper? Male Diner #4: [ enthusiastic ] Why.. yes! Carlo: [ apprehensively, Carlo steadies his pepper grinder over Male Diner #4's plate ] Say.. when. Marco: [ supportive of Carlo ] Alright.. alright.. Carlo: [ twists pepper grinder ] One.. two.. [ nervous, pauses as Male Diner #4 and Marco watch patiently ] ..three.. Male Diner #4: [ grateful ] Why.. thank you, Pepper Boy! That's the perfect amount of pepper! Bravo! Carlo: Grazi! |
Andy Samburg as Kevin Federline:
"In summary, I'm like the new Bill Cosby. I'm really funny, I'm good with kids, and I'm Black!" |
I still get a big laugh out of "Buckwheat sings your favorites," but I can't write it the way it sounds.
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"Una panuma Bancaaaaaaaaaaaaa" "I am da barber of dabill....fee ga ro. fee ga ro!" |
LOL, Nut, you posted my favorites! "Land Shark!"
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http://youtube.com/watch?v=rrW7OtZSRmM |
"Its a d*ck in a box!"
"Like Butter!" "I am Brian Fellows!!!" "He is and will forever be, the Falconer!!" "You, me, you, him, you, me???" (I hope people know which one I am talking about here...or will I be forced to show YouTube?) I have no idea why, but that Brian Fellows one is a classic line in my family. When either my dad, my sister, or I are acting crazy, we quote the Brian Fellows line! |
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