is it possible to stay friends w/ an ex?
 

Well given my current situation I was wondering about this. And you know how when a couple breaks up they say "oh we can still be friends" but then they cannot get over the awkward situation and so it doesnt really happen? has it happened where u guys have realllly been able to stay in contact w/ an ex and even hang out (platonically)once a while? or is this all just BS? how long has it took where u can finally see your ex and not feel grudgingly or sad (like longing for him)anymore, and actually be HAPPY for him?..oh yeah and one more thing, is it proper, and if it is, in what time frame should it be okay to ask your ex whether they have a new gf/bf?

Sorry for the babbling. But any replies will be greatly appreciated.

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"To supress our feelings only makes them stronger"--from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

It has for me, but we were very young and our relatiohsnip was not sexual. IT's hard to be friends with someone after you've invested so much emotion in that person and you're not together anymore. I think that with a lot of time to heal and mturity on both sides it is possible, but it's hard work to forget all the stuff you did to one another.

Hey GammaZetaGirl: In the past, I have dated three of my best guy friends and after we broke up we still stayed friends. I would say that it depends on how your relationship ended and whether or not you were friends before hand, although that has just been my experience. IMO, I wouldn't ask about if/who he is dating until you can ask him without being jealous/vengeful. Hope that helps. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Hi Gammazetagrl! I think that is is possible for exes to become friends, but only after they have been broken up long enough so that neither party still has romantic interest in the other. This can take a long time depending on the nature of the former relationship and the circumstances of the break-up, etc.

What I think about asking your former s/o about his or her dating is this... It is alright to ask as long as you feel that you'll be okay no matter what the answer is. Otherwise, you are opening yourself up to the possibility of a world of hurt. Trust me sweetie, I am your elder and I know of what I speak! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif

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@~Tracy~@

By the light of the lamp, by the light of the lamp, by the bright shiny light, by the light of the lamp...if you are a DeeZee, you're the best that you can be, by the bright shiny light of the lamp!

[This message has been edited by KillarneyRose (edited June 18, 2001).]

I, too, have remained friends with an ex, but he and I weren't sexually involved. We were VERY CLOSE friends, though, before dating, and remained so afterwards. He is now married and expecting his first child, and I couldn't be happier for him!

Now, my most recent ex, our relationship is definitely a little different. We are slowly but surely becoming friends. Now, this took A WHILE!! About a year and a half, roughly. Before that, I still wanted to be in a relationship with him. If one of you still wants the relationship, the friendship is basically impossible, unfortunately. But after you're over him, everything is pretty much smooth sailing.

As far as when to ask about new love interests, that depends on the personalities of the persons involved. My ex knows me, and he knows I'm nosey. So I ask whatever I want, LOL. *BUT* Only ask the question if you are PREPARED for the answer. My mother always told me not to ask a question I didn't want to know the answer to.

The fact of the matter is, if you and your ex were actually friends before or became friends during your relationship, then you will be friends afterwards. The road might be bumpy, but the friendship will remain. My ex is very special to me, so I'm willing to work (only as much as he is) to maintain a friendship with him. I would hope to be at his wedding and he at mine, yadda yadda yadda. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif

I'm still friends with my first love. It was weird being around him for a while, but after about 6 months of break-up land, I was cool with it.We had dated for 14 months. He had a new girl, and I had a new guy. Now we're more like old friends than ex's! It's great...I can give him advice on chickys and he helps me with guy related issues! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Vera

One of my exes is an extremely dear friend of mine, still, after 10+ years. I think it's because when we were dating, we had a rather strange relationship....we knew there was no way in hell we'd ever get married and were very pragmatic about the whole thing. There would have been no point to NOT staying friends, for us.

He's basically like one of my girlfriends, with different equipment. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif The thing I love the best about our relationship now is I can tell him ANYTHING about my life and not worry what he'll think, and vice versa.

I have a girlfriend who always asks me why, when she and a guy break up, can't they be friends? The guy usually pulls away and is distant and it makes her nuts. I always ask her if she's sure she wants to be friends with the ex. She always says yes, and I always try my litmus (sp?) test of this possibility on her, and her answer, more often than not changes to, 'okay, maybe not'.

If you can handle your ex dating someone else, then you're ready to be true friends. If you can't handle that idea (which usually is extrememly difficult after a break up, for a long time, regardless of the circumstances) then you are simply not ready to be friends. I really think it's as cut and dry as that. And I guess, with that response, I have answered both questions http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif. It's the proper time to ask if your ex is seeing someone, if and only if you're ready and prepared to hear the answer, and to be uneffected by it.

What really sucks is when one half of the ex duo is ready and anxious to be friends and the other is not. Then it's just a waiting game. I do believe after a lot of time and moving on, it is possible for exes to be friends.

Leslie

Hi Leslie!!! Can I ask you what the litmus test is, if it's not too personal?? Thanks!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Hmmm, well I'm usually the one who feels SOOO awkward around an ex for the longest. It usually takes me like a year before things can get COMPLETELY back to normal.

Honestly, exes can make some of the best friends because you have such a rich history and you know so much about each other. One in particular has called me on several occasions asking advice for his new relationship, and I've been more than happy to try and help out. The same one was there for me as a shoulder to cry on when I got ditched by my homecoming date last year! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif (He talked all night about "kicking that punk's @$$" and it made me feel much better, not to mention the laugh. hehe.) It can become a mutual caring process if you let it. Exes can be fun to just hang out with and talk to...after a while of course, when each other KNOWS exactly where the other stands.

Know what I mean? http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I dated my high school sweetheart for almost 2 years. Orchid2 is right when saying that some ex's make the best of friends. My ex knows me better than some of my best friends do! I have another boyfriend now but whenever I need relationship advice, believe it or not, I go to my ex. He knows me best on how I act with a significant other so when I need to find out if I have a right to be upset with my boyfriend or if I'm overreacting...my ex is able to let me know! It takes a little while to get over the awkwardness but if you stick through it, ex's come in very handy! Here's a cool fact: my ex and my boyfriend met for the first time a month ago....and they got along!!!!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

One of my exes is now one of my best friends... I partied at his house last night in fact! We dated sophomore year of high school and our break up was REALLY messy. Following that we fought until roughly halfway into my junior year... but ever since we have been great friends, chilling whenever we are home and emailing when we are away.

I have had a few who I never spoke to again, and one who I am just casual aquaintances with, and another whith whom I might be getting back together... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif

Hey Newbie,
What I meant by my litmus test is that I ask her if she could handle it if her ex was dating someone else. If she can handle it, then she will be able to really be 'friends' with him. If she can't handle it yet, she's not ready to be friends with him yet either. That's all I meant. Hope this clears it up http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif.

Leslie

For me, I always try not to burn bridges with anyone. A lot of the men I have dated have ended up being better friends that what we were in the beginning.

Newbie...did u really? http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif girl if that happened to me i would totally react the same way...although probably your old feeligns died down couple minutes after right? hehehe hope so...oops, j/k!

yeah if he emails me or something a long time from now after an absence of communication, i would be walking through memory lane and be all nostalgic...

the lack of closure COULD be indeed a factor that's why you think the feeling is still there...even just a tiny bit. i think that's normal though. i know that if i heard that my ex got a gf i would get jealous (at least for awhile)and if they break up i would feel glad and just a tiny bit "evilly" satisfied. it's human nature i guess. it kinda gives us a sense of revenge especially if they're the ones that broke up with us or did wrong to us...what goes around comes around like they say. but dont u enjoy the sense of power that u have in a way, he's single n wants u back, and you're in the meantime, happy with Shawn...girl that must feel soooo great to finally be in a place where u could be like "hah, its your fault".

Did he ask u back in the same email that he said he and his gf broke up? now i know guys sometimes wanna be on the rebound, and i think it's way too early. your ex is in a weird emotional state right now and he couldnt totally be ready for a new relationship so soon after the old one.

http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif hope i was able to help.

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"To supress our feelings only makes them stronger"--from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Me and my ex, who was also my first love. Are still friends? Does my new friend like it-NO!!!! lol. My ex is always trying to get back with me saying he loves me, do I believe it-NO!!!.

HAHAHA!! LOL. Not if he's my ex (who was my first boyfreind). Also, if he turns into a borderline stalker http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/confused.gif and calls you all the time and then hangs up http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/mad.gif and sends you weird a$$ pages http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/mad.gif and basically begs you to take his lousy a$$ back but you know you never will and to this day you wonder WTF did you see in him any gosh darn way.

If your ex resembles the above, then NO. But if he is really a good person and you broke up with him on good terms, or if it wasn't on good terms but he has shown that he has matured since then, then maybe. Also, as long as he's not pressuring you to take him back (he's an ex for a reason http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif), then maybe you can be freinds after that "cooling off" period (a few months) after the breakup.


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"If there is no struggle, there is no progress"--Frederick Douglass

[This message has been edited by Sugar_N_Spice (edited July 03, 2001).]

YES!! After 8 months of really not talking, we are now great friends. She is a Sigma Kappa and I am a Sig Tau. We have a blast at our social functions, and get along better now then ever before. It just took us a while to accept the new situation, and many apologies from me for ruining what we had, but we are cool now. We talk on a weekly basis and hang out every once in a while. One thing we don't discuss is our current relationships, but we get along great.

I have never successfully stayed friends with an ex. I tried, but they didn't. Oh well. But now I have been dating my best friend for a year and a half, and I'm scared that if/when we break up, I'll lose him as my best friend as well. The thing is, we're in a long distance relationship which is really hard on him (more so than it is for me) and if we break up, that would be the reason. So we'd still have feelings for each other and I'm scared that it would be too difficult to stay close friends. Ok, sorry for my rambling http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Re: is it possible to stay friends w/ an ex?
 

There's only one exboyfriend that I've been able to stay friends with. However the friendship certainly didn't happen over night. As a matter of fact it took us a good five months and 8 hours distance to resolve some things. He ended up dating a girl where he went to school and I persued other guys. Three years later we found ourselves together last year when my engagement broke off. So as you can see, if it is the right guy, it can work out.

But as far as the rest of the men I've dated: screw 'em. The reasons for those break ups were so severe that I don't think a friendship could have resulted. And that's how you have to look at things - if the trust was broken, if the guy cheated, if he was just BAD for you overall, why would you want to keep that type of person in your life?

No no no No . . . it only works if one of you is either pathologically unable to let go and the other person tolerates it, or one person keeps the other one on the hook so to speak with . . .

Neither situation is healthy. If you were going to be such good friends you wouldn't have broken up.

That's not completely true either James. Some people, like myself, have been involved in relationships that were not the right "timing". Year later, and with frienship continued, it opens the door to the right timing and possibly more.

Furthermore, some people date for such a short amount of time because they realize they're not romantically compatible, yet can be mature enough to stay friends. I guess that's the underlying factor: how mature enough is the person to continue with a friendship?

I consider one of my exes a better friend of mine - we only dated for a short time, and he's now dating one of my best friends pretty seriously.

Another, more serious ex and I didn't get a long for quite a while, but we've been quits for a few years now, so we chat every now and then.

The most recent ex and I don't talk too much because it was a bitter breakup, but we can be civil - we're both double majoring in the same thing and both want to go to law school so we talk about that occasionally.

i have to agree with a sister on this one!! me and my ex started dating when i was 18 and we dated for a lil over a year. we broke up and ended up being really good friends. the timing of our relationship i think is why it didnt work at the time. we were both young and didnt really know what we wanted. now were really good friends and talk about everything in our lives, including relationships. it took awhile though for us to get to that point. its not like we broke up and were like lets be friends and magically had this amazing new relationship. noone should expect that to happen. and of course there are still feelings there. theres no way that the feelings will go away as long as we keep us a friendship. but we are able to hang out when were both dating other people and nothing happens. so i guess i think that its a definite possibility to be friends with someone after you break up.

Dejavu
 

I was just chatting about this w/ some co-wkrs yesterday over drinks. one guy was moving and found some old love letters and didnt know if he should hide them from his lady. I say if you hide past relationships you're just asking for problems.

I have remained friends w/ a few ex's here and there.......I even went to one's wedding, and I was one of the people he called the night he had his first kid. We were young when we dated, and some ten years later, he is one of my oldest friends of any gender. We each respect the other person's current partner.

Not to say it is always possible, in hindsight there are some fools i've dated who i wish i could forget, or at least burn the memory of their fingerprints off my flesh. :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

I am friends with many of my ex's. Some are married, and me & the wifeys are even cool. I'm even friends with my ex-husband! lol With all of them, we should have just stayed friends from the start! lol

My ex and I were together for a year and a half... he was my first love. After we broke up, we tried to remain friends, but it was SO hard. I'd find myself getting mad at him because I thought I was the one who kept making an effort to remain friends and he wasn't trying. We'd have periods when we'd be friends, then not be friends, be friends, and not be friends. When we were friends, we'd hang out as friends but it usually ended in fooling around, which in the back of my mind I was always saying no, but I wasn't physically stopping it. This went on for a while, these whole on and off again friendship/hooking up stuff. Then one day when I was trying to talk to him, this was during our semi friendship, no hooking up time, he was like this isn't working, we can't be friends, we've just grown apart. I got really upset and couldn't believe he wanted to cut off all ties, but after a while that feeling just faded and he was just out of my life. It wasn't until recently that we've started being friends again... but since he had hurt me so much when he said those things and I got so used to him not being in my life, that when he initiated communication, I was just like whatever, I'll talk to you, but at this point it really doesn't matter if we have a friendship to me. I didn't say these things, just felt them. So we still talk every now and then, but now I'm kinda numb, and don't really care either way if he stays in my life or not. It's kinda sad, but it's true.

ETA: And as far as when do you ask if he's seeing anyone, he actually asked me that recently... he's asked once before, but we got side tracked and I had never answered him. I felt awkward when he asked me, even though I wasn't seeing anyone. I asked him if he was and he said no. I didn't really care either way, but I figured I may as well shoot the question back at him.

I also disagree with this statement. I am good friends with my ex-I talk to him often and we work together occasionally. I realized he could not give me what I needed as a boyfriend but I can't imagine not having him in my life.

I have yet to experience the idea of being friends with an ex. Anything is possible though. For some people it just comes easy to say that they want to stay friends when in fact they don't really mean it. One guy I had a crush on more than a few years ago stated that one of the reasons he wouldn't think of hooking up with me was that we were just good friends and that he could never be friends with an ex. So to retain that relationship, he would much rather have stayed friends. However, we drifted apart from friendship regardless upon change in our school schedules. Go figure.

I am friends with only one ex.....basically because we only dated for two weeks, didnt do anything sexual, no cheating, just mutually decided it wasnt working out for us as a couple. The vast majority of the rest of my ex's however...is a different story.........whether sex was a factor or not, they lied to me, cheated on me, or just were all around penises that not only dont deserve me as their woman, but dont deserve my friendship either (despite their many attempts), and I'm happier for it.

I think it may depend on the person like has been said previously and how things ended/went down in the relationship. Like it has also been said, if they were a jerk/bitch to you, cheated on you, lied to you etc.........why would you want someone like that as your friend or anything else?? That's just nutty.

Is it possible to stay friends with an ex? Hmm I think people try but I'm not sure it really can work. Me and Lee dated forever so not only was he my bf but my best friend. It hurt a million times worse losing him as a friend. We tried to be friends but it was just to weird I was still and love and so was he..! I know it sucks but I just dont think you can....

I tried to stay friends with my ex-boyfriend. It wasn't until I tried to call him about 9 years ago, that I had to deal with his current girlfriend. She hung up on me and he didn't call me to apologize (bastard!). I have not spoken to him since, but I did get a card for my 22nd birthday a few months later though! GRRRRRR!


http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies...dvv/pissed.gif

From my previous experience with men:


NO! um, unless it's friends with benefits...lol

I'm great friends with my ex from high school and beginning of college. We talk every day and hang out whenever he's home. We even went on vacation together last winter. I'm friends with 2 others, but not as close as I am with the HS ex.

Now see I think it is cool if everyone knows everyone and has significant others in the mix, but it's not cool if any partner involved still has feelings and their current SO knows nothing about the whole thing....

My ex-husband and I are good friends. Most people are amazed that we get along as well as we do after the divorce. We will do some things with the kids together, like taking them to a baseball game, the circus, taking the kids to see Santa. It helps split the cost of major events and helps with the restroom issue (my son is almost 8.. too old to come into the women's room with me, and still young so I worry when I send him in the men's room alone at a huge public event). We have joint custody of the kids and have to communicate almost daily. He does still get on my nerves something awful if I have to spend too much time with him, but overall, we are friends. We care about each other and have a joint goal of making sure our kids are reasonably well adjusted. We help each other out in emergencies. I think it has helped our kids adjust to the divorce. I'm even still on his checking account so I can just transfer funds when the latch key bill is due. His dating others doesn't bother me a bit, as long as they are good to the kids. He almost got married again and I was happy for him, the kids like her, etc. In fact, I'll be glad if he marries again because he can be a really forgetful airhead and I'm hoping that his new wife would take on the responsibility of reminding him where he's supposed to be when!

At Christmas and Birthdays, we even pay for whatever the kids want to buy for each of us. I'm taking the kids Christmas shopping for him today.

If we didn't have kids though, we probably wouldn't have much contact.

Dee