Dropping Out Post-Initiation
 

I am really struggling with a decision at hand. I have been a part of my sorority for a semester. When I joined--I loved it! And I am still happy with the choice I made about choosing my chapter, but I am really no longer happy with having chosen to be a part of a sorority after all. I truly cannot afford it, and just don't really see it as an important part of my life. I have friends in my chapter, but the girls I click the most with aren't Greek at my school. As I've had time off, away from school and sorority life, I have decided that I want to drop out. How do I begin to go through this process, and how do I go about informing my chapter of my decision without hurting feelings or losing the friends I have made thus far?

Remember that sisterhood lasts a lifetime, not just for 4 years (or however long it'll take you to finish school). While I'm close to one or two of my chapter sisters, I've found over the years since becoming an alum that some of my greatest memories were made with sisters I had met online (through these forums) and at Convention.

You've only been a member for a semester. You obviously made a connection with this group in order to get a bid, stick with your new member program, and you allowed yourself to get initiated. You haven't even given yourself the chance to experience what the sorority has to offer.

If you're really serious about ending your membership, you should talk to your chapter's Executive Council/Board (whatever your sorority calls it) so that they can help you take care of any obligations you might still have. They'd be the best source of information.

Honestly, there are going to be girls who will be your friends, no matter your decision, and there are ones who will turn their backs on you, no matter how "nicely" you drop out.

And be prepared to answer this question: If you can't afford it, why did you join in the first place?

Also, about affording it - most sororities have one-time fees you pay your first semester, and aren't quite as expensive after that. And, if you are just dropping because you're not "feeling" it anymore - there is often a "let down" when you are no longer a pledge who is babied by the rest of the chapter, and are no longer getting the "Star" attention. It will get better when you get more involved with the workings behind your chapter.

I remember being overwhelmed with all the fees the first semester but my sister-mom told me from the beginning that it's not always going to be that expensive. Because I had two part-time jobs, I was confident that I was able to afford my dues and whatever social events I had to pay for.

I've sat on EC as both a collegian and alumna and the "let down" feeling was a big problem for us retaining new members. :(

I know there will be about 25 more superfluous comments about how this girl should stick it out, or "if you don't like it, just quit", or whatever, so why not take this opportunity to discuss things we can do to avoid that "let down" period.

Yeah, I know, the OP deserves her thread, whatever. She's made up her mind, and without knowing what sorority she's in (and I hope she doesn't say) no one can advise her on how to quit so...let's turn this into a positive discussion.

I see what you're both saying . . . however, I didn't really experience a "let down." My sorority didn't really baby us--it's not a glitz and glamour thing that used to be there and is all of a sudden gone. I'm not about to bore you with the story of my life--but a long story short was that I was going through hell and joined my sorority in hopes of giving myself an identity. I really didn't go about this entirely the right way, I wasn't truly honest to myself or my organization. I probably should not have been initiated, but I was, and I think deep down I do still want to do this . .. I don't know. I think I'm just trying to figure out what all of my options are. My first post seemed like I'd made up my mind--I think I'm really just trying to decide what to do

-Your most recent initiates are your BEST resource for rush ideas and critiques. Use them!!! Let them know their input will make a difference.

-Stress responsibility. I think a lot of the "letdown" comes because you can't make pledges do anything and it can seem easy, but once you become an active, everything is mandatory. IMO it should be the other way around.

-Make sure the new girls KNOW that just because hanging out at the house, going out with sisters isn't "mandatory" - they will get out of it what they put into it. No one is going to beg them to hang out if they always blow people off.

I will probably think of more later.

Well, I think even if you don't have your mind made up - us discussing the transtion period between pledge and chapter leader could still be beneficial to you.;)

Lilly, I can feel you on that one. The sorority doesn't make you, though - you make the sorority. You aren't the first girl to get those confused.

Tell your big or another sister you trust about whatever struggles you're going through - you might be surprised at how much they want to help you, but they can't if you don't open up.

You mentioned in your first post that you've made friends and you don't want to hurt any feelings. Have you talked about it at all with any of them?

I hadn't because I'd read on other posts (which and where I don't remember) that it was a bad idea to openly discuss thoughts of dropping. Girls Gossip, and I just didn't want it to turn in to a bigger deal than it had to be--regardless of my decision. I came on here for that reason--to stay anonymous and have some assistance

Even if you remain anonymous here, you'll hear over and over again from GCers that you need to open up and be honest with at least one of them.

If you can't trust any of them, then why even bother being in the sorority?

Do you have a big that you trust? Or something like a Chapter Relations person? Go to them and talk-- that's what they are supposed to be there for. Or did you really like your New Member Educator (pledge trainer, whatever they call them now) or even a Rho Chi/Gamma that you had. I know our Chapter Relations Chair had to keep all conversations like this confidential-- so no gossiping.

As for the let down- I think part of this is because of the shortened pledge periods. I was part of the first pledge class that moved to the 6-week pledge period (it had been 13 weeks). And we had several girls drop after Christmas break. It's like going home for Christmas made them decide to drop out.

Unfortunately, my big is gone for a semester abroad, and she and I never had the opportunity to really get to know each other, so a conversation like over facebook wouldn't work. We just elected a new council in the past month, but none of those girls are from my city, and I would like to have this talk face to face. I know it would vary most likely between sororities, but would a former counsel member be equally as respectful and confidential?

I would hope that ANY woman you have this talk w/ would be confidential - FR just suggested the chapter relations or membership director person because that's part of their job. But if the sister you feel the most comfortable discussing this with is the t-shirt chairman, talk to the t-shirt chairman.

Are you home for the holidays and wanting to talk with someone who is also home for the break and in your area?

I understand that you may have lots of feelings tugging at your heart and mind right now; but what's the rush? Can you wait a couple of weeks for school to come back in session so that you can chat with one of your sisters? Or would you rather call up some random sister you don't know well simply because she's geographically the closest at this moment?


You said that, when you joined, you loved it. Regarding the chapter itself, you said that you were happy with the choice you made. Other than not being able to afford it, I'm not sure what your reasons are for quitting. You just got initiated...have you really given everything a chance? Can you try it for one more full semester and give it a real, proper go? At least that way you can say that you gave it a solid try. You said that, deep down, you still feel that you really want this, right?

Like the others said, try finding any of the older sisters to talk with and tell them how you're feeling.


.....Kelly :)

Your best bet is to talk with your chapter relations officer or chapter president when you get back to school. There is plenty of time to make a decision, so don't think you have to know by the time school starts. Your sorority may be able to work with you more than you think to make membership more affordable. If there are other issues, women in leadership positions in your chapter are THE people to discuss your concerns with. They will not judge you for being honest if they value sisterhood. Being initiated doesn't mean you never question your choices. It happens, and if the chapter isn't willing to fight to keep you as a sister, just drop!

to be honest. i felt the same way. my chapter was having internal difficulties during my new member program that i was thrown into after initiation. i joined to find myself...to find friends and a home or whatever, and it just didnt feel like one. heres what i did. i sat down and thought about why i wanted to stay. and if i could think of three reasons (or more, or less) that trumped my reasons for wanting to leave (even just a litle)... like a specific person, or a specific memory, or something that i had wanted--a position, a little etc.... then i decided that i would stay..
i was able to find them, and even though part of me still wanted to leave... staying meant that i had a voice, i could tell girls what i didnt like, or how i felt, and change it so that others wouldnt have the same problem... it turned out that i wasnt the only one who felt that way...and with everyones help--we are closer than ever.

Yes! (depending on the person, of course) In general, I'd say that the former council members are the ones who have really matured after experiencing the responsibility of being on council for a year. But like others have said, there is no "right" person to talk to. Yes, there are designated people as far as the sorority heirarchy is concerned but the important thing is to talk to a sister who you respect and feel confortable with. You don't have to be close friends.

If there truly is a small part of you that still wants to see this through, you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. You don't want to have any "what ifs" later on.

You'd be hard-pressed to find any sorority members on this board who haven't felt a bit of doubt about their membership at one time or another. It's very common so just know that you're not alone and there's nothing horrible about what you're feeling.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

(You posted while I was typing so I didn't see it.)

This is great advice and I'm really glad it worked out for you. I went the other direction as a collegian and took alumna status (when this was still allowed) and I've had the "what ifs" ever since.

If only I had sat down with our chapter president, who was wonderful, and told her what had me so upset, I feel pretty certain that I would have stayed an active member and been able to find others who were upset with the same issues. I would have had a voice. But, now I'll never know what could have been.

I would stick it out. At least for one more semester, and see how it goes. If you were that unhappy, I feel like you would have dropped already, probably before initiation. There is obviously something there you like.. and thats what made you stick with it thus far. Maybe you will become closer with the girls and have a better experience this upcoming semester.. your bonds will definitely get stronger now that you're truly sisters. I never really, truly felt at home in Zeta until my sophomore year. I had a few doubts, but I stuck it out and to this day I am SO GLAD I DID!

Since you are already initiated, I wouldn't give up on it just yet. Sorority life has so much to offer, and you might regret it if you make a decision to drop out. Like other posters said, weigh out the positives and negatives, literally writing them down and looking at them really helps. That's how I make tough decisions. if you need someone to talk to and are afraid of talking to someone in your chapter, I think a Rho Chi that you trust, thats in another sorority, would be your best bet.

Whatever you decide to do, its not the end of the world either way :) good luck and feel free to Private Message me if you would like to talk!! Zeta love and mine!

I'd really like to thank leslie, asa, zta, and now I feel like there's a fourth whose name I can't remember. You have all given me a lot to think about--and I appreciate your advice. I think I plan on giving it one more semester. Everything I thought joining this sorority would be or do--hasn't ended up being what I actually want. I see though that I do owe it to them and myself to let them show me all that they and I have to offer. I've gotten involved-I'm on our philanthropy week commitee and have signed up for a lot of the other activities all of which are next semester. This entire semester I've felt like I just don't "fit"--like the only reason these people are my friends is because I'm paying for them to be. Had initiation be later on this year, I beleive I would have dropped . . . I sort of just rushed into this whole thing and never really thought about what it was I was doing. But, I do beleive in the ritual and tradition of all sororities--and that sisterhood is for life. I have nothing but respect for that bond, and I think I see that I need to give it just a litle more time before I decide that it isn't there.

Glad to see your last post lilly1!
You may also want to get involved in your recruitment committee or something like that where you help plan different ways of recruiting new members. By doing this, it may help you shine, connect with your other sisters and maybe find some new members that have things in commong with you.

Stick it out, please.

I'll say this, love me or hate me. I have never felt badly towards sisters that had to leave my chapter because they had a legitmate reason. For instance, they were already behind in dues and knew that due to an unforseen change in their financial situation or their parents' situation they would not be able to catch up. Or family problems have taken precedence due to an illness or struggle and they have time for nothing but family and school.

But sisters who get initiated and drop immediately afterwords because they just don't really feel it bother me. A lot. I'd never be mean to them, but I'm not very sympathetic either. There have been MANY times when I don't dig it...right now, for instance, to be honest. But I believe in keeping promises to the best of my ability...I signed up for this and if I'm going to just turn my back on it I'll need a damn good reason.

You should give it another semester. You've not been there long enough to know what it's about. Ritual is great, but I strongly believe it just WON'T mean a thing to you until you've tried to understand it, and your sisters will help you do that...probably not directly, but through their actions over time. Once it clicks you won't want to leave, even when you aren't feeling it.

Also consider the fact that it's a lifetime commitment. I may not be loving it right now (hopefully it'll get better this semester but even if not...) but I have the rest of my life to enjoy the benefits of being an Alpha Gam. So what are these four years to me?

Lastly, I have good friends, friends, aquaintances....most of my sisters fall into the friends category. A handful are good friends. Wanna know a secret? I have three best friends. Two are guys and one is a girl in a different sorority on campus. And another one? Most of the time when I bother to go out it's with a few of my Chi O friends. That's OK! You DON'T have to be best buddies with your sisters. I love mine...and I've never doubted my choice once in the time I've been at school and don't think I ever will, and it just never bothered me that my best friends weren't in my chapter. It actually helped me sometimes when drama popped up (it always will no matter what...it's a large group of girls, what do you expect?) to be able to hang out with someone who had no desire to talk about it. Don't let that bother you. It doesn't mean the chapter or sorority isn't for you.

lilly1 I pm'd you

can't you just go inactive?

I would just stick it out like some have said..

i thought about quitting while I was a pledge and i'm glad i didnt and stuck it thru. and i have only been a brother since Nov 3rd, 2007. no too long ago. we havent dont much so far since our chapter just started but we are tryin to get things rollin this semester coming up.

She JUST joined the chapter - I think going inactive (I assume you mean staying a member but not participating) would just make her situation worse and put her farther away from her sisters. Plus, sororities don't let you go on special status just for "not feeling it."

Think before you act
 

I am new to GC but I am not new to your situation. A lot of times, young adults find themselves at a point in their life where they feel they should have some sort of "identity" and it causes a chain reaction of mistakes and heartaches in the process of finding it. I am not certain of your GLO rules, but mine (K A PSI) allows new initiates to pay for their dues upfront that covers a two year calendar. So if your dues are paid then legally you are still a member and I would strongly suggest that you think about it a little longer because you never know how far this organization will take you. Plus, I would at least get what I paid for before I called it quits

:) You never know who is watching.

Hang in there champ

Prince Kullinan I

Yay, Lilly! I'm so glad you've decided to give it another semester. Getting involved is the absolute best thing you can do! If you haven't been involved, it's inevitable that you'd feel like you don't fit in. (been there) What I decided to do was to find something I really loved and just dove right in. I ended up being Ritual Chairman and it was just what I needed. Being involved will bring you so much closer to your sisters.

If you really give it your all this coming semester and then still feel that it isn't for you, at least you know you tried. Then, if you resign, you won't have any "what ifs" and, personally, I wouldn't worry about what others think about your decision. It's your life and you have to do what's right for you. True friends will understand that.

Although you haven't gone into it in detail, you mentioned trying to find an identity through your sorority. It's difficult. You might start to wonder if it really has given you an identity, if that's the identity you want, if you've lost your identity.... It can make you crazy and I could go on and on with that topic. If you want to discuss it, please feel free to PM me.

Best wishes for a great semester! :)

Going inactive is not really an option for me. My organization is really trying to cut back on such a matter, and all of our open slots typically go to the students that are going abroad for a semester. Right now, if I'm going to truly give it a shot, I have to stay active. If at the end of this semester I'm still not quite happy, I will most likely apply to do that the first semester of next year before I make such a huge, and possibly rash decision. And as 33 girl said, it would most likely just make my situation worse.

lilly, i think lots of us have had doubts at one time or another-some of us have shared those feelings with our sisters, or our dorm roommate, or someone else, but others have not. i always think sharing troubles helps, but some don't feel as comfortable doing so.

right before my initiation i felt similarly to you. i talked to my pledge trainer and my big sister and also with my dorm next door neighbor who was in a different sorority. they listened to me and basically helped me weigh my options and luckily i made the decision to initiate. i still didn't feel a huge part of it until the following year when i officially moved into the house.

my daughter felt the same way last year when she was a new member and wondered if she had made the right decision. she is living in the house this year and is loving it.

you don't have to talk to anyone "official" in your chapter-they don't have to be an officer. just talk with someone that you feel some connection with-maybe even someone who had impressed you during recruitment. i hope that your feelings will change and you will come to enjoy your membership . please let us know how you are doing.

lilly, I understand where you are coming from and I from reading the other posts, I am sure the others can to. Like FSUZeta said, all of us have had doubts at some time about our chapters. It wouldn't be natural if we didn't!
When you invest you time and resources into something, you are bound to be disappointed when things don't always work out the way you had planned.

I want to share something with you: One of my littles (I have twins) was very upset after officer elections. She did not get an officer position and some nasty things (not from anyone official) were said about her leadership qualities. I remember her coming to me in tears, and she was ready to resign. She had invested everything she had in our sorority, and when things didn't turn out the way she thought, she was upset. Now, after many discussions she has realized to stick with it.

I know this might not be the exact situation you are in, but I just wanted to share it with you. Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

I think the first person you need to discuss this with is the chapter Advisor, hopefully there is an alum who is helping the chapter. The basic reason you can say is just that you can't afford it; it is not inexpensive to be in a sorority!
If you can possibly stick with it, do. There were many times I wanted to quit: let's see, mad because my brother didn't get big brother.... mad because a friend got kicked out......I'm glad I didn't quit because after my emotions calmed down, I realized it wasn't that big a deal. The group was actually making the right decisions. The truth was my brother wasn't picked because he was kinda a jerk; my friend was really not into following anyone's rules, even to the detriment of my chapter. She had to go.
I'm involved in the alum group in my town and really have enjoyed that as much as my time in college! The alums are very sharp and connected with people in my town- I have benefitted from their friendship and acceptance.
Sometimes, there are advisors who might be willing to help you stay in.
If there are other issues you need counsel on, take advantage of the free counseling your school probably offers. Everyone has a bad semester/year sometimes- you gotta look at the big picture.

My biggest concern here is that she joined, went through the nm period, initiated, and then realized she couldn't afford it. Chapters should be upfront about what the dues are going to be an other non-included expenses (t-shirts, party favors, etc)

It sounds like you like the sorority experience (although you did say you didn't think it was a super huge part of life) and you are torn. Is that really the case? Is there possibly another underlying reason why you want to drop?

At my alma mater, most all chapters allowed members payment plans (i.e. X-amount per month throughout the semester)... is that something you can work out with your chapter?

I hope you'll be able to work it all out!

AlphaFrog, I <3 you, but I must say..

I am going on two years in SAI and I am just now getting into things really well. After two years, I feel like I am apart of a holisitic sisterhood--not just the few girls I am really close with.

You have to put yourself out there and once you do, you will find something you never would have seen before.

And, I'm sorry, but if you drop out, you are just a waste of a 'member'.

Dropping Out
 

I'm in a similar situation. I rushed at the beginning of the fall semester, mostly so that I could meet people because I'm an out of state student and didn't know anyone prior to coming. At first I was really excited about rush, but also a little apprehensive because I didn't know much about the greek system. At the end of rush, I got stuck with one bid from the single sorority that I tried to cut every round. I told myself that I would stick it out through bid day just to see if I would end up liking it. Of course, bid day was a blast, but anyone who has been through rush knows that the first week or two are a lot different than how the sorority is overall. I was enjoying it for a while, but was not meeting many people because most of the girls seemed to be in a lot of different cliques already. I was not a part of any of them. However, big little week rolled around and the spark was ignited again. I was so excited about my big that I thought everything was perfect. I stuck through initiation thinking that I would end up having a great time. Little did I know, my big, much like the first weeks of activity in the sorority, was a lot different than my first impression. My big and I never talk, and on the rare occasion that we do, it is incredibly awkward. Second semester dues are almost due, and I am realizing that it is not worth me paying a few thousand dollars a year to be a part of something that I really don't feel like I am a part of at all. The only problem is that I'm not exactly sure who to talk to about this. I can't talk to my big for obvious reasons and the few girls that I do know would not understand. I know someone on exec would be a good person, but which position deals with this sort of situation. And just so I'm sure, it is possible to drop out even after initiation right?

Maybe I'm reading this wrong...but you're not going to get much sympathy here.

You can cancel your membership, you can drop out, but you can't join another sorority.

I don't want to sound mean and I know we aren't getting the whole story, but it sounds like you really haven't made an effort to "join" in.

You can drop out whenever you want. That means you are terminating your membership and you can't call yourself a sister anymore. But if you drop out after you have been initiated, you are not eligible to join another NPC sorority or to re-rush. So you may want to consider sticking with it through the end of the semester and really making a concerted effort to make friends and get involved.

A big sister isn't a designated best friend, and it may seem that other big/littles are so much closer than you. Some are, some aren't. The big's job is really just to be a person you can call with questions and the person who sponsors you through initiation. You may find, with effort, that you click better with other girls. You may also find that you are paired with a great little sis in the fall and have that great relationship.

If your mind is made up, make sure your dues are paid up for this month. Write a letter to the chapter president, dated and signed that states something along the lines of, "This letter serves as notice of my intent to resign my membership from ABC sorority. My forwarding address is _______. Thank you. Sincerely, NAME." Along with this letter, you are to return your sorority badge, any sorority clothing or gifts with the letters/crest, and to remove any sorority letters that may be displayed in your car or home.

Good luck no matter what you decide. A lot of girls drop in the spring after the excitement of the new member period ends and they aren't being showered with gifts and phone calls to hang out. You have to make an effort now. I promise you it is like this in every single sorority. Your post makes it sound like you're expecting everyone to cater to you, but in a sorority you have to pull your weight. Go to the mandatory events, go to some of the social events, SMILE, talk to people and invite them to hang out.

Bottom line: if you don't want to be part of the organization, LEAVE. No one is forcing you to stay. If you want to talk to someone on exec, I'd suggest the chapter president. I'm not sure what there is to "talk" about, other than the procedure to terminate your membership. She'll express sadness and try to talk you out of it, and tell you the procedure to make sure you terminate the membership without owing any additional money to the chapter. They can send you to collections if your account isn't current when you terminate, so make sure you are paid up.

Seriously, though, you're in this sorority or none at all. So why not give it a full year and make the effort to get to know people?

I didn't say I wanted to re-rush or join a different sorority. I think I am just realizing that I may not be interested in being in any sorority. It's not that I have anything against the sorority or that I'm "expecting everyone to cater to me." I am not expecting that at all, but now that I am a part of the sorority it is not at all what I thought it would be like. I actually have attended almost all of the events that we were able to go to and although I have met a few people, I guess I just haven't connected with any like a lot of other people have. I wasn't trying to get anyone's sympathy, I was just looking for a little advice.

Something to think about: if you have the opportunity to move into the facility next school year (assuming your sorority has a "house", or even a dorm floor - I know that there are many possible living situations), you may find that everything looks very different and you will find the friendships and connections you feel are lacking now.

AND, recruitment has a way of bringing people very close together. You've never gone through recruitment from the other side (again, assuming here as you didn't say otherwise). There are some very good threads here on GC about other women in your circumstances who did not drop out, and they

If you have made up your mind to resign, notify your chapter president; there may be a form for you to sign.