Potential?
 

Ok...this is more directed to the ladies than the gents.


Hmmm......

My family and I were hanging out a few weeks ago and one of my younger cousins was mulling over a young man that liked her. They have known each other for about 3 years and she has issues on whether or not if she wants to try and be serious with him

Here is her set up:

She is 22, going to college in VA and thinking about transferring to one in MD, drives and altho she doesn't have her own car, her mom allows her to drive hers, she lived on campus for a year and moved back home to save a little money in case she gets admitted into her school so she could have her own place. She is also church going (her pop is a pastor) and talented.

No problem right?


He is 20. He can drive but does not have a car. Lives at home with his mom. Dropped out of college to start a small IT business (mostly something along the line of a GEEK Squad kind of thing) and so far, it's going pretty well and altho he doesn't have his degree yet (plans on going back to finish) he has A+ certification to do what he does and actually he is making a nice little peice of change from this and other little things he is doing most of which will help him pay his tuition when he starts back to school. No kids and no run ins with the law. Straight kid and pretty mature from what I have seen of him...

Now...her complaint is that he is not at the same level as she....LOL

1. He is younger than her, which means when she wants to go out to an 'adult' establishment...he won't be able to get in (she likes going to karaoke nites...LOL)

2. She is not comfortable with the fact that she has to drive them. And no, her Mom won't let him drive....LOL

3. She is about to graduate and he still has a ways to go, however I pointed out that at least at this point he is financially stable and has a plan of what he wants to do.

4. And of course the big stickler, while he does attend church and has doing so more because of her, she is not happy that he doesn't go more often.

Now we all did this to let her know that she is missing his potential.

Most people I notice when dating, they want someone that has 'everything right now'. Cool if that's the case...no one should really settle for less (especially if you got their equivalent coming to the table also) but just like playing the stocks, we asked her, is she considering the future with him if she likes him that much?

1. He does work and not only that he will be potentially self sufficient if he is trying to work for self and not make a check from someone else.

2. He may not have a ride right now, but if you figure in number 1, that may not be too far off.

3. Education is a fickle thing and it sounds like he will finish but he isn't waiting to finish to realize his dreams.

4. As far as the religion issue is concerned, that is something 2 people have to work on thier own and come to a compromise...

So........saying all that to ask this....ladies, have you been or are you in a situation where you have someone that may not have everything together but has the potential and IS IN THE PROCESS of recognizing it?

How have you/do you deal with it?

Are there any dealbreakers that regardless of what they are doing is still not enough for you to stay?

And be honest, are you one of those that wants someone to come to the table with everything matching or exceeding what you have?

My boyfriend and I started on the same level, then in college he had some issues that were family, school, and health related. Long story short I'm working on my masters while he's finishing his bachelors.

Did it bother me? Yeah. I felt like he wasn't living up to his potential. But we had a solid relationship going into that time frame and still have one now.

If it were me in that situation I think I'd want him to finish his degree, simply because I value education, and I'd probably need to know where he stood on religion because looking at a future family that's going to be very important. Those would eventually be deal breakers.

I want someone to bring to the table matching what I have but those assets don't actually have to be the same assets if that makes any sense, just comparable.

I don't think things like education and religion are dealbreakers for DATING. If she likes him and he likes here, committing to a few dates doesn't hurt anything. Even DTR stage isn't something I'd let religion and such get in the way of. Now, when you move on to engagement, etc, that's when you need to decide whether you're willing to compromise in those areas.

Nope it makes sense...but to me sometimes, I wonder why people 'throw away' good people just because at that moment in life, the prospective person sin't in teh same place where the other one is.

When we all had this discussion I told her, it's not that many young men out here now that is as forward thinking as he. Not to say that you have to marry him or anything but at least give ti a chance and see what happens because they have known each other for a while and some of the other characters I have seen are just that......characters....hehehehehe

Most of her concerns seem transitory in nature. In two years will they even still be?

I do think her concern over his (not so much going to church, but rather does this extend to his relationship with God?) stance because that's foundational to who he is. If he's not walking the same path as she, they got problems.

the rest is workoutable.

Ok, let me get this straight, does she want to marry this guy? Is that what she means by "serious"? If so, why so early? She's only 22 and he's only 20.

If she isn't thinking about marriage, the guy's education/career goals should be less of an issue. In my opinion, they appear to be somewhat on the same level, I don't think they are very far from each other. Neither of them are completely financially stable yet. Not everyone who has bachelor degrees go straight to a "nice" job. I know several people who has been out of college over a year and still work at Starbucks. I know a couple of people who dropped out of college, started their own business, and is quite successful. This is something you have to judge case by case.

Well, see that's what i am saying....it's no push to get married BECAUSE they are both so young, but she can't even see herself serious about dating...and with her family, they don't treat dating as a frivolous thing. As far as I know she has other guy friends that she hangs out with but this guy has been around for a minute, you know what I mean?

But, like I said...I was just using her as a detailed example not necessarily trying to get advice for her.

I was just curious to find out what other people do in this situation when you meet someone nice but altho they aren't where you are or however it is, but have a lot of upside, what do most of you tend to do or have done?

In general, what's the discussion about regarding HER situation? ;) She doesn't think he's up to par so that's that. Don't need lawyers to plead his case.

Religion and education are among the deal breakers for me. They don't have to be for everyone but I determine who I let into my life.

In my early 20s I was unconcerned with longterm relationships because I had my own goals to achieve. So if I went out with a dude who wasn't in college, it was with the understanding that he was FUN and short term. :)

An entrepeneur is a great thing but he has to be making his own paychecks by the time I get with him. He's either making his own paychecks already or getting a college degree(s). I don't think life is about either/or because I enounter the FULL PACKAGE (i.e. entrepeneur with degrees) all the time. So I'm not willing to compromise regarding my deal breakers.

This thread reminds me of this pic:

http://myweb.bloomu.edu/kdballie/potential.jpg

Me too!

I like that and one better:

Not everyone gets to MARRY the astronaut when they grow up.













.....he was that nerd in school...hehehehehe

Is she thinking about this too hard for someome whom she's just thinking about DATING? It seems that way to me. Being friends with someone and dating them are two different things. After several dates, she should be thinking about these issues, not before the first one, IMHO. She knows what he's bringing to the table and if she doesn't feel like it's up to her standards, then why even entertain the idea of dating him?

I'm confused, because the last statement I bolded completely, 100% contradicts the rest of your post.

I was trying to explain my thought process, AF. It just seems like she's trying to rationalize the idea of dating him when she feels that he's not up to her standards.

Does that make sense?

I agree.

I don't think she's trying to rationalize dating him at all. I think she's already ruled him out completely, and her older cousin is just trying to figure out why "nice guys finish last".;) I mean, that's really the situation - you have a young man with (it seems) all the potential in the world, with just some things that need to be worked on, and he's probably going to get passed over for some prettyboy or thug who's skating by on looks/intimidation/etc.

True. Some younger women like the idea of a challenge, i.e. "I can change him".

That's dramatic.

He might just be passed up for the MANY men who are a total package and who aren't pretty boys or thugs. There are too many good catches out here for any ONE dude to think the sun rises on his ass just because he has "potential."

Tell him to spend his time working on making his "potential" a reality and leave the "nice guys with potential" rhetoric for women who give a damn. They are out there.

"Potential" is also a challenge and some women get attached to the ability to change "potential" into "reality."

Get a man who is already there. That may be less possible at 20-22 but some of us posting have already left our 20s, anyway. :D

DS has a "thing" for posting dramatic-type questions, and since he said that he meant this as more of a "for the sake of argument" rather than actual advice for his cousin, I'm pretty sure that's sort of what he's going for.

Yay.

AMEN!!!! If I knew in my 20s what I knew NOW, I'd be a lot less "touched" in the head.. lol...

^^^ Pretty much in the ballpark....

But the question I am asking to try and move the conversation is, in your opinions, ladies, and gents if you have been there (some of us could give a damn about potential...LOL) what have you done or how have you handled someone in this situation that you may have considered dating?


Is it a challenge?

Is it something that you may want to stay around for the long haul ?

Or, do some of you prefer someone already there?

The "question" you're asking is obvious.

The active posters have already answered it.

So it is...but some missed:

"since he said that he meant this as more of a "for the sake of argument" rather than actual advice for his cousin"

and

"But, like I said...I was just using her as a detailed example not necessarily trying to get advice for her. "


So I am trying to steer the convo back to the question at hand...

Thanks for answering.

If you like someone, sometimes you just have to give it a chance and see where it goes. My husband is five years older than I am...when we met, he had his own apartment, an established career, and was working on his master's degree; I was just out of college, living at home, and I didn't have a full-time job. If he had only looked at those things, and not given me a chance, he would have missed out on a lot.

If I were in her same situation, then I would probably vote NO. I agree with Chaos...there are plenty of guys who will share her same path in life. Why try to 'work with' someone who has potential, when it seems likely that she can find exactly what she wants, which isn't much (her age or greater, in school, attends church). I'm sure he's a nice guy, but her decision doesn't seem unreasonable, esp. since she isn't looking for marriage. They can always reconnect in a few years when they are both more settled and established.

Did either one of you have any hesitations early on that becauseof the differences that it may not work? How did you cope?

I think men may be a little less concerned about women's resumes than women are about men's. :)

Not this man.;)

He seems like a nice guy who's getting it together at a young age, but if she feels he's not up to her standards, then she shouldn't be with him. I do think she's going to have to go through a few relationships to determine what she doesn't want though. I see where she's coming from. Education, religion, and family background are very important to me. Like the OP said this guy she's dating is really nice, and seems to have it together, but I've met and gone out with some really nice women, but I didn't feel I was compatible with them, because they didn't meet some of the standards that I look for. Just because someone comes from a different background doesn't make them a bad person, but it just doens't work for me. In her case, she may think he's a great guy, but just not right for her. Nothing wrong with that. So I would have to agree with her.

At that young of an age though, the nice guys do get passed up for the thugs though. I still don't understand that.

I'm sure you get the point, either way.

Only men who don't expect much in life and from their mate.

Are you professing to be such a man?

nice women like bad men....LOL

The most important thing for me is being on the same level as far as our spiritual walks are concerned. One thing I have learned is that though school and education are very important, it is not for everybody. My boyfriend and I graduated high school the same year and I chose to go straight to college and he chose to start working first. Eventually, he started going back to school and received his associate's degree in engineering and is currently working in his field. Now, he is trying to complete his bachelor's but nevertheless he has done very well for himself.

So, he is 27, holds an associate's degree, currently working in his field while pursuing a bachelor's, has no kids, respects and adores his and my family, treats me very well, respects me, and seeks to please God....the last being the most important to me because everything else falls into place when seeking His face.

Me, everything said about my boyfriend can be said about me except I hold a bachelor's and a master's and working on an Ed.S. degree and will eventually pursue a doctorate in education. So we may not be on the same educational level but we still mesh. We have been together for 6 years and are just trying to get financially stable and clear some debt before we decide to take the next step...

To each his/her own I guess...