living together before marriage: opinions?
 

I lived with Mr Sageofages for many years before I agreed to finally "jump the broom, become handfasted, put the ring through his nose"...aka....get married.

It worked for us, why mess with it? I think we used it as a way to work the kinks out of the relationship before we did the legal paperwork.

I am happy with how we started down our path, and thrilled to be finishing it up with him.

Our oldest daughter (28.5 years)...got married and left her husband after only 2.5 months!!! I finally paid for the divorce 3.5 years later!!! She has lived with two other men since then, and I consider both choices to be a complete mess.

Our youngest daughter married her husband the day before she graduated from HS. Heck family was coming into town anyway, why not? She was 18, not like I could stop her or anything. They "lived together" for a couple months from the time she turned 18, until their wedding 3 months later. They have been married 3.5 years now, and it has its ups and downs, but it seems to be working for them so far.

I currently live with my fiancé. I personally do recommend it. I feel I know going into the marriage what it is going to be like living with him for the rest of my life. I would rather have things worked out (who does dishes, laundry, trash, etc.) before we were married. I would rather find out his quirks now and learn to deal with them rather then wait until after we are married.

Been there, done that, and would NOT do it again unless I was engaged at the least.

I won't be doing it until there's a ring on my finger and wedding plans are underway. I know way too many women who have moved in with their boyfriends thinking it's a way to move the relationship along and all it's done was keep things in limbo. To each his own, but for me the next step in my committed relationship of two years is engagement. By this point, I've spent plenty enough time with him to know his pros and cons - you shouldn't have to live with someone to know that kind of stuff, and if you don't know it, that's probably a sign that you should not be movin' in with him/her.

Living together is not like marriage, so I've never really understood the "test" argument. Many people who live together before marriage never really make the mental leap to "married" and have a hard time adjusting to the idea that the person they're living with is now legally and financially bound to them, not just a roommate.

I live with my boyfriend and it has worked well for us. We didn't really decide to do it, it just kinda happened. If we get married, great. If we don't, great. That's not really a big deal to us. If we do get married I'm glad we lived together first b/c at least I know what I'm getting into! :)

I totally agree with this.

My friends that lived together pre-engagement either broke up with the guy (often at great financial cost), or got divorced once they did marry.

My bf and I discussed it at several points in the relationship. At the time our reasonings were that this way we wouldn't have to find random roommates and/or we'd save money over renting by ourselves. Also we'd been dating for several years and thought we could handle it. It was never a way to take our relationship to the "next" level or anything like that.

However we decided against it for several reasons, the Catholicism thing makes both of our families against it (for the most part, my mom is probably the most flexible as far as that goes) and honestly has an effect on our own opinions as well. Plus I'm the messy one in the relationship and I'm still working on getting a handle on that to where he's comfortable with it. He doesn't want to clean up after me, and I don't blame him :p

So in the end we decided not to, I'm not sure we never will, but just like we're not ready to get married yet (though I think we will be eventually) we're not ready for that step now.

Not really an opinion either way, but there you go. I did have a classmate recently try and convince me that not moving in was just me living my life based on my parents' rules... because I mentioned they were against it as well. It was sort of odd the way she did it, but she's also almost 10 years older than I am and I don't think she took that into consideration.

I think it's a huge decision, but I would never marry again without living with him first. I disagree that it's not a good test. I don't think I would have married either (two) of my ex-husbands had I lived with them first. The things that made me end up hating them would have come out if we'd lived together first, but there was no way for me to see the issues before actually living with them. I don't think you can know a person until you've lived with them. I know many people who lived with their best friend from high school when they went to college and ended up hating each other after living together. I realize a friendship is different in some ways to a marriage, but again, there are just some things you can't know until you've lived together, especially if one of you is living at home until you marry.

I agree with her disagreement. I take cars for a test drive before I buy them, too.

Professionally the problems I've learned about co-habitation seem to outweigh the benefits. Not necessarily for everyone but in many cases.

Off the top of my head the biggest is that there's a sense that it is sort of a "test" and not a commitment can lead to a couple simply breaking up instead of working on any problems. And that breaking up isn't as "simple" because you're sharing a space. Though this occurs in marriages as well, the sense of commitment tends to lead more people to work through problems and if they do divorce there's usually legal help involved.

YMMV of course.

^--This is definitely the most common argument you hear about not moving in with someone. I won't dispute it because everyone deals with conflict differently. But as someone said previously, I would rather break up with a boyfriend/fiance than get divorced. (but I do totally respect those that make a decision based on personal values, that's a whole 'nother set of factors that can't -- or shouldn't -- be argued with)

The "we know we're getting married why are we paying 2 rents and cable bills" is one of the more common arguments for those that do move in. And I think it often comes down to where you are in your relationship. That's where hubby & I were, and honestly, I did want to "kick the tires" a bit to see how our living styles/money styles, etc., all would blend. Thus I am of the mindset of the post below:

There's a big difference between before you're engaged, and after you're engaged.

A friend of mine sold her car - gave up her apartment - bought expensive furniture - bought pets - because she was under the impression that she and the guy would be together forever (they were not engaged). To make a long story short, he turned out to be the most worthless sack of shit in the history of worthless sacks of shit and dumped her. She ended up HAVING to buy a house and getting way in over her head monetarily because she couldn't find an apartment that would accomodate her dogs. I know he could have still done the same thing had they been engaged, but maybe at least then she'd have had a ring she could sell.

With my ex, we went on vacation together and stayed over at each others' houses enough that I think we knew how the other liked to live. I know he stays up till 4, he knows I leave my shoes all over the house. We both knew and understood the importance of having alone time (this is something some guys/girls just do not get) and being respectful of the other person you live with, even if you ARE exchanging bodily fluids w/ them. It's all a moot point now, of course, but it taught me a lot.

I don't think saving money is a good enough excuse to do it. You can know how someone handles his/her money without living with them.

Indeed, as I said I've toyed with it myself, and even though it's not right for me right now, I'm not sure where I'll be in a year or two when I'm done with my degree.

I moved in with my boyfriend, now fiance after being together for 6 months. Basically it worked out for us because I moved to another state to be with him and he figured it was easier for us to live together than be together all the time with double the expenses. For me, it was more about strengthening the relationship than assuming marriage was on its way. We had been doing long distance until then, so the learning curve was high for us.

I don't regret it at all (and of course we're engaged now too!), but more than that we were able to learn about each other's little things and work on our relationship. We have been honest with each other throughout and that has helped us work through living together.

Plus I agree with people, you have to know the parameters before you just move-in. You can't assume anything and always protect yourself, especially financially. I've seen friends move in with guys, give up their lives basically and have it all collapse.

My fiance and I do not live together and have no plans to live together until after the wedding, when we'll be moving to the UK.

We've been together for 6 years, been engaged since March, and we're enjoying being engaged. I don't feel that I have to "test drive" our relationship...I've known him long enough to know most of his quirks. In addition, living together might prevent us from having a fully recognized marriage in the Catholic church like we intend to (lemme 'splain: the church feels that living together before you're married is a "Trial marriage" and premarital sex, not trusting each other/god, bla blah blah, extra hoops, etc. etc.) I don't necessarily agree with that assessment, especially since my brother and his future wife moved in together shortly before they got engaged and it was purely an economic decision, and it worked out great for them. But they don't have to deal with the church. I'd really rather this whole thing go as smoothly as possible.

In addition...the opportunity never presented itself. I've been in school since the beginning of our relationship, and been living in another town or country than him for most of that. It just didn't make sense for us to do it.

Getting our own flat, our own furniture, our own stuff is really exciting. It will be "OURS", our first investment as husband and wife. And I think that's kind of a great adventure we'll get to have together. :)

I guess you could say that my husband and I did the moving in together in stages. First, I was living in a house with a roommate, and he would come over all the time. He pretty much went home to change clothes and shower. Then, I moved to an apartment by myself that was down the hall from his apartment that he shared with his brother. Then, we moved into a house together. Then, we moved down to NC - we stayed with my parents for a month and a half while we house-hunted, got married, and moved into the house we're in right now. I didn't have it in my mind that I was going to live with someone before we got married, it just happened that way.

My now-husband and I got engaged in December '04, we moved in together in February '05, and got married in July '06.
I think by living together, we experienced all of each others quirks and got used to really being together before we were married.
IMO, if you are engaged or in a very serious relationship, it is beneficial to live together first to make sure you can put up with one another long term.

I've never lived with a boyfriend and me and my boyfriend moved in together about two months ago, after having only dated 3 months. I know, sounds crazy. I was having horrible roommate issues (we had just renewed our lease, then she got pregnant and wanted her own place and we argued over who was going to pay the fee to break our lease - in the end she did) so I moved in with him. We both knew it would be temporary since he was only in Augusta for a class, but there was a possibility he may have been picked up for another class that would have kept him here until August 08 (Army stuff). Unfortunately, that didn't happen. But in the meantime of living together we've grown a lot closer and figured out our roles (he cooks and does the dishes, I vacuum and clean the bathrooms, we both take out trash, and I take care of the pets since I brought them) and it's worked out really well. So well, that we are buying a house together since he's wanted to start investing in property for a while now anyway and I'll live in it while he's deployed and then wherever he ends up after, we'll both move there and buy a new house and rent this one out. My parents always told me they thought it would be better to live with a guy before I marry him. Now, we're not engaged (yet) but we have discussed it a couple of times so we'll see....

BTW, we close on the new house tomorrow morning! AAH! And I'm still running around getting paperwork together (I'm in real estate and since I'm not licensed yet, the agent I work for is handling it but I'm doing most of the work).

I don't do cohabitation. We figure a lot of stuff out without it.

I agree with this for me personally. The only man I lived with was my husband, and that was after we had become engaged. I don't think it was really to "test" anything because the bumps in the road would have been there before or after the ceremony and I think we were just as committed to eachother once we were engaged as we were after the ceremony. We moved in together for my summers & december break during law school because I had a 12-month lease where my law school was and I needed a place to live in his area... our only time together besides the every-other-weekend visits while classes were in session.

Before being engaged, I don't think it would have worked as well. Without that knowledge that the other person isn't going to say "enough" after a big fight, it just isn't the same. It isn't as honest, I guess, and there's just a whole lot more game playing that goes along with the whole "will we or won't we get married" mentality. I guess if you're not interested in getting married, living together probably can't hurt.

What was actually the most beneficial thing for us was that before I moved in, my husband (then boyfriend) had a roommate for about a year. He is an only child and had never lived with anyone but his parents (and had been living by himself for a few years). His roommate made him quite a bit less anal about things being done HIS way and more tolerant of all the little things that people do that can be annoying. He also realized that (shocker!) he actually did a couple things that bothered others! When I finally moved in instead... I was kind of a breath of fresh air, I think. Plus, of course, I cook a lot better than his roommate.

I think this is a common view, and one that seems reasonable.

But every study I have ever seen says that couples who live together prior to marriage are statistically more likely to divorce than those who do not. For what that's worth. (And I don't know that I've seen any statistics for couples that move in together while engages vs. those who move in together with no specific marriage plans.)

I'm sure you realize this, but I have a feeling that the statistics have less to do with the actual act of moving in together, and more to do with the values, expectations, and attitudes of those who move in together.

There are myriad problems with these studies, mostly because the correlation is about as far from the causation as you can get - and ironically, everything I've read is about the opposite of Drole's point, in that those who don't live together are also those philosophically opposed to divorce, or determined to "fight through" when others might feel a split is the best option.

However, I think Drole is exactly right in the YMMV portion - really, most opinions here are based on anecdotes, single personal experiences or remembering really good/bad things that happened to one or two people (selection bias). I don't think either solution is better than the other in general, and unfortunately I'm not sure there is a good way to tell which camp you'll be in until far after the point where you make a decision.

Personally, I think I would prefer to live with someone - I would doubt that it would occlude my desire to marry that individual because we're "practically married" and I feel like any smart scientist would prefer a test run. I'd like to know that person can handle space issues without resorting to an entirely different building, and I would prefer to get any money issues sorted out while the accounts are still split (or kids are involved), among other things. I also can't think of one good reason why couples that live together first would divorce any more than those who do not other than personal issues, at least not at the rate studies suggest - however, the studies are there, and I can completely understand why others would not, and I could also see myself adding to the statistic should things go wrong.

I'm just trying to make sure I'm reading your post right - we're pretty much saying the same thing here, right?

Without question. I haven't seen a study that really examines "why" -- just that the bald statistic is that marriages where the couple lived together prior to marriage or more likely to end in divorce than those where the couple did not live together. Personally, I have a suspicion that KSig is right:
As to this:

the one other hypothesis I have heard is that couples who live together before marriage may carry over from the cohabitation into the marriage a feeling of "well, one of us can just move out if it gets to that." Granted, that may be very close if not connected to the personal issues you mention.

I lived with my husband for two years before we were married. We'd been engaged for a few months before we moved into our new apartment together.

My uber-Catholic father was less than thrilled - but it's my life, not his.

A friend of mine got around her own uber-Catholic father's disapproval by "living" in the dorms while really living in an off-campus apartment with her fiance (now husband - they've been married nearly 10 years). Her father thought she was a sweet innocent Catholic girl not living in sin; she got to live with her fiance and have a place to crash on campus if she needed it; and her "roommate" essentially had a huge single. Win-win-win. :p

I recommend living together before marriage, but only if you really think your relationship is headed toward marriage or a similar long-term commitment. Don't do it if your relationship is rocky.

But I think this confuses realistic expectations with unrealistic expectations. I think KSUViolet06 is describing someone who has realistic expectations, asks honest questions and makes honest observations before deciding to tie the knot. What you have described is someone with unrealistic expectations.

I think that people with realistic expectations can usually figure out what they need to figure out without living together. They may still choose to live together, of course, but they'd know what they need to know either way. On the other hand, people with unrealistic expectations are in for a bumpy ride no matter what.

For my money, good premarital counseling is more important that anything else.

I've heard that couples who live together before marriage have a higher divorce percentage than couples who have never lived together. But those are just statistics. I used to be skeptical about it, but now I personally don't see anything wrong with it.

lilsunshine, I heart your post.

We're definitely on the same path, yep.

That's definitely a possibility, and it does pass the 'smell test' on some level. I'm not sure that this attitude should "outweigh," say, religious indoctrination or family pressures, though - that's why I worded mine in the way I did. While those feelings might be present, it is really hard for me to take it any further.

Besides this, there's a pretty good chance that the current divorce rate is closer to the "true" rate - that is, people aren't as likely to stay in shitty marriages, and we're actually better off for it - which makes this whole thing kind of a non-issue, as those who meet the 'profile' for staying together/living apart can do what they wish, while everyone else does what they think is right, too . . . that's actually much more interesting to me, anyway.

Even after my experience, I'm still pretty torn.

I moved in with my boyfriend after 5 years of dating, after we were both out of school and were ready to take the "next step." In preparing for engagement and wedding, I realized that I just didn't want to do it. It wasn't that I didn't want to get married--I just didn't want to get married to him. Long story short, we ended up breaking up and going our separate ways. We're still great friends, it's just that although he was a good partner for me as an 18-24 year old student, he wasn't any good for me as a young urban professional. My relationship wasn't growing with me. If we had gotten married instead of living together, I'd probably be divorced or headed there.

I'm not against living together--I don't believe it's what caused me to break up with my ex--but I wouldn't do it again.

Word.

*My future career*

I lived with two guys, but both times it was a short-term arrangement. The summer after my freshman year I lived with my boyfriend during the week because I was taking summer classes in the town he was living and it made the most sense to do rather than driving an hour each way from my mom and dad's house. It seemed fine but it was obviously for a short-term duration so I'm not sure what a good reflection of what us actually living together would have been like.

I lived with my current boyfriend this summer because I was working in his town and it was a weird experience. We've been dating a long time so I was pretty sure I knew all his annoying quirks - wrong! You can "play nice" on weekend visits all you want, but that's not necessarily how you actually live. I'm glad we did it and we learned a lot about our relationship. If we can't get married in the church because we shacked up, then so be it. My parents got married by a judge and they've been together thirty years.

Some of the problem with pre-marital counseling and relying on discussing the issues is that sometimes one of the people involved may say one thing during these discussions but then do another. I'll give you one example.. money. My second husband appeared to be very responsible with his money. He had a lot of money invested for retirement when he was only 30. He had enough saved in the bank for a down payment on a house. He had a decent car, good suits and was pretty generous for birthdays, Christmas, etc. He agreed that if we both worked, we both made decisions about how the money was spent. So, what was the problem?? Well, he had been living at home his whole life and was working as an accountant for 5 years while living at home with NO living expenses the entire time. When we got married, had a mortgage and a baby within a year (diapers, formula, day care, new wardrobe for baby every few months as baby grew, etc), we had to live on a budget. Mr. Responsible with Money was a mess. He didn't know how to live on a budget.. he never had to before. He spent money like it was water, always using the ATM card and never putting the amounts in the checkbook. What a nightmare it became. Oh the fights about it! And, it was all my fault, because he didn't have money problems before.. so it must be my fault. I must be spending too much. To this day, he blames me for the debt he ended up incurring because I was buying groceries and clothes for the kids. Without sharing finances before, there was no way to foresee this.

Just an example...

I'm too lazy to go back and find who said this but I would rather be engaged and wedding plans underway before I live with someone. Also, there must be discussion of what is expected and when. But that is a road that I will have to cross when I get there and it seems no where in sight.