Bad news
 

Well, I'm sorry to say this, but things did not work out for me at all at formal recruitment. I feel that no one wants me. I feel that they want the popular, outgoing girls. I wasn't popular in high school and I was shy. In fact, I transferred to another school in the 10th grade because I had trouble making friends. I was a total outcast. You see, I went to a different high school in the 9th grade away from my friends.

The rejection has took a hit on my self esteem. It might take me a while to get over this. If I don't get over this soon, then I will need to talk to a school psychologist to get some help.

Anyway, I asked the lady who called me about other options to join a sorority. And she said to try COB. She told me to e-mail the chapters after recruitment. The COB events won't begin until October. However, there is no guarantee that there would be any this semester. If all of the chapters reach quota and total, then she said it would be next semester for COB opportunities.

I (and the good Lord) have put it in my heart that I want to be in a sorority. I don't give up. It's in my nature to not give up on my dreams.

I need to stop typing because this is making my head hurt. I will get away for the weekend to recollect my thoughts.

...Are you f'ing serious?

Hang in there
 

Formal recruitment is not the best way for MANY. I personally am a big fan of informal (or whatever the young whipper snappers are calling it these days - COB/COR) because it is possible for girls who are not as out-going to become better known, and to in turn get to know the GLO members better, too.
Try not to take it all so personally. I know, I know, it's hard not to - but understand that formal recruitment is an imperfect system that can sometimes let good quality PNMs fall through the cracks. It's the best we've been able to come up with, but still not 100%.
Become involved on your campus in other organizations, and see what happens in term of recruitment opportunities.
Good luck - I really hope you find your sisterhood.

eta - I didn't realize you had gone through informal before.

The first thing that you need to do is take some time for yourself. If you are feeling this bad because of not getting into a sorority, then maybe it really wasn't the best choice for you. Yes, not getting a bid can be devistating, but it should not destroy who you are.

I think October is a good time for COB (if there are any). It gives you plenty of time to pull yourself together and get involved in other things and make new friends. If you still want to join in October, then give it another try.

Echoing this sentiment because its the most important thing you can do. Becoming involved with other campus activities is the quickest way to meet new people & break out of this stigma you have set for yourself.

I am so sorry for you, Sunny, but smiley21 is right. It's fine to be disappointed, sad, embarassed and depressed after an unsuccessful recruitment...temporarily. If you're so devastated that you need to see the counseling center, you probably shouldn't rush again. Not COB, not formal, not anything.

You've been posting on these forums long enough to know how recruitment works and how and why PNMs get cut. If you're taking the fact that you didn't get a bid to this chapter as some grand indictment of your personality -- leading back all the way from high school until now -- I really don't think you're going to take it well at all if COB doesn't work out.

I'm really really not trying to be mean. I honestly feel bad for you, but it just takes a very thick skin to deal with an unsuccessful recruitment. If you're not that kind of personality, it's okay, but please don't be a masochist about this. Don't put yourself in a potentially emotionally devastating situation AGAIN.

Didn't you get invited to a COB event last year/semester and not show up? Are you a Soph or Junior now? Or maybe I have you mixed up in my brain with someone else.

This was a quote from you from your first thread you started back in January after COB didn't work out. I don't think you sounded that devastated there, but you really were having trouble understanding why some other girl got in a sorority and you didn't.

So as it stands right now, you're at least a sophomore. There are MYRIAD reasons why upperclassmen may be cut from recruitment. But that said... if you do COB again this year, it will be the third time in as many semesters that you've gone through recruitment.

You've gone through Informal once and were only invited back to one chapter. You didn't go. You went through formal this fall -- it didn't work out. Maybe you were cut because you were a sophomore, maybe some other reason, but you seem to think you were cut because you're a social "outcast" and now you're heartbroken.

Given all this -- the only information I have -- I don't think you're in a very good position to receive a bid the third time around. I would never recommend anyone try recruitment a third time, especially not someone who has taken these rejections so hard. I'm not trying to be mean or insensitive, but I just don't think it would be responsible advice if I were to tell you to go ahead and give it another shot.

Sounds like you may have a social phobia or social anxiety disorder. Sometimes people are too "shy" to function in public. There are treatments available. Please seek some help. You may have a great personality, but you just may need some help letting it out. PM me if you want to talk about it.

AOII Angel

Quoted for truth.


Sunny - do you know any sorority women outside of just participating in recruitment? I think it sounds like your best opportunity would be to get to know a sorority woman or two outside of recruitment (in your classes, in other activities, etc.).

If your "problem" during recruitment and COR is that you're to anxious to let the real you shine through, getting to know someone in a no pressure, not sorority related atmosphere might be your best option. Let them see the real you...if they feel like you're a good match and they happen to have spots available, you never know.

But I'd have to agree that based on the level of devastation you're describing, going through recruitment (even COR events) again would be maochistic. I'm not saying that you should give up on the idea of ever being in a sorority, rather that getting to know/mingling with women during non-recruitment events might be a more emotionally healthy way to approach it. (Worst case scenario - you still make new friends, which it sounds like you could use right now. :) )

Sunny,
Maybe talking to a school counselor is not a bad idea. It might help with your self esteem issues and it wouldn't hurt to have an impartial person hear you out.

http://www.mondointermedio.it/IMAGES...ric%20help.JPG


Seriously, sunnyhibiscus, I'm sorry for your disappointment. My suggestion, like some others here, is to look at it as an opportunity to take some time with yourself and learn about yourself. No one here can tell you why you may have shy times, low self-esteem times or feeling-like-an-outcast times, but perhaps a counselor at school can help you with that.

I do wonder (and that's all I can do on the little information here) if your feeling that you are unpopular sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy -- others pick up on it and treat you the way you seem to treat yourself. I just don't know, and that's where I think talking to someone who can help you figure it all out might be very useful.

I do know that you can't find meaningful acceptence from others -- whether it's a sorority, team, or any other group -- if you're not accepting and feeling okay about yourself.

Good luck, and let us know how it's going!

I like that! Sometimes I do feel like Lucy, but seriously social anxiety disorder is frequently not considered when it should be. I actually have it and have a much more fulfilling life now that I am treated. No one really believes that I have this problem, but no one knew me before! Thank God I figured it out when I did!!:o

Jocelyn really knows her stuff, so you should pay special attention to this statement. It's the absolute truth.

As a matter of fact, if you're an especially sensitive or fragile creature, sorority membership can worsen any existing self-esteem problems.

If you are joining a sorority because you feel like it validates you, socially, you're in for a big surprise. Sure, you'll feel like the most popular kid in town for the first couple weeks, with all the big/little gifts and new member events and whatnot. But after the first month, active members stop fawning all over their new members and you become just another woman in the group, and you feel just like you did before you joined.

This is a huge reason, in my experience, why more timid/unconfident women depledge. Girls that aren't as sure of themselves see this ceasing of the constant validation as a sign that nobody in the chapter likes them, or that they're an "outcast" in the sorority, and they get all bent out of joint that they don't have like 80 best instafriends, and so on. Even if they stay in, I've seen sorority women obsess over whether or not they really "deserve" to be in their group, or have doubts that they'd still be in their sorority if they had to rush again tomorrow, or if anyone said anything bad about them while they were rushing, blah blah blah.

It gets better...

Even the best, most tight-knit sororities have their problems. Nothing quite deals a blow to your ego like running for an executive board position only to lose by a landslide, or actually being elected to a position only to receive the wrath of all the sisters when you screw up. To say nothing of the legendary crying/screaming blowups that occur in every sorority house from time to time....

If you can't handle rejection or you have major confidence issues, you should't join a sorority. I know it sucks feeling rejected by a bunch of sorority women you barely know. I promise you it sucks that much harder when you feel rejected by those same sorority women X number of years after you joined.

I'd highly encourage you to get to know sorority women in non-recruitment and non-COR settings.

Sometimes chapters don't even host COR events, because they extend bids for available spots to young women they already know.

At many campuses, there are generally at least a few chapters who are under total. (Not at the uber-competitive schools, of course, but you haven't identified what sort of university you attend.) You may find that those groups are generally more open to the idea of COBing and getting to know prospetive recruits.

(Note - just to be clear...I am not advising you to seek out a chapter that is struggling numbers-wise and present it as a "you need a body, I need a spot" type situation. That would be a big turnoff to the chapter, and it certainly wouldn't do you justice either. I'm just saying that its good to have an idea in mind of what chapters might have more spots available...if you happen to have the opportunity to meet and connect with a member of one of those chapters, it might be more productive for you. Versus meeting and becoming BFFs with a member in a chapter that never, ever COBs.)

Not matching in recruitment alone shouldn't require counseling in most cases. But if think what you feel or how you interact is beyond the normal range, you should go to the student counseling center and get an appointment or depending on how bad you feel right now, to the student health center for immediate mental health care.

But don't conclude that because recruitment didn't work out that you have a deep-seated issue.

It does sort of seem to me that if you don't feel like you are getting over what happened in 9th grade that you'd benefit from talking to a professional about how to deal with that and be the person you want to be today.

And about re-rushing or COB: don't do anything until you've made improvements to your accomplishments. There's very little reason why you could expect to get picked up by a group that didn't work out in the past unless you had done something to become a stronger candidate.

And this probably goes without saying, but don't do a lot of talking about how devastated you are about your results. Certainly, confide in friends, but you don't want to seem like the crying girl from the weird rush stories thread, so don't let the groups know how distressed you are.

GO to counseling. GET HELP now. It couldn't hurt, dear.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I've already met a sorority sister, my roommate. But I just met her at the beginning of the semester. As a matter of fact, that was the last sorority kept me around. I will talk to some other soroity sisters from other sororities in my classes.

Just to clarify, that open house last semester was not a part of COB.

In the meanwhile, I will go to the counseling center next week. You guys are right, I need to get better before I can do anything else. I had shyness problems when I was little and yet I have made a lot of friends until the 9th grade.

BTW, I have read about the crying girl story and that scared me.

Good luck!

I hope you feel better.

It cannot do any harm to go talk to someone if that's what you feel you have to do. As Jocelyn so wisely said, you need to take care of you. You seem to have some self-esteem issues holding you back, and I hope you learn to cope with them so that the true you comes through :)

Good luck with everything!