Dear Mom
 

Dear Mom,

I know you and I are incredibly close. You're my biggest supporter and loudest cheerleader. On top of that, you and I have a bond that transcends even what I have with my best friend. You and I both cried when you pulled away from my dorm room on move-in day. You were so excited for me when I decided to go through recruitment earlier this summer. You called up everyone you knew to help me with recs, we got our nails and hair done together, and you spent an ungodly amount of money on cute recruitment outfits for me. Maybe I was a legacy to your beloved sorority, and you wanted nothing more than to initiate me into your org. Maybe I'm the first person in the family going to college, and you want me to have the best experience possible -- the experience you never had. Maybe you simply want all my dreams to come true, no matter what they may be.

I was released from sorority recruitment today. My Rho Chi just called me up to tell me that no sorority wanted to give me a bid. I'm confused and crying. I vascillate between anger, jealousy, depression, panic, and humiliation. I feel like the biggest loser. It's so hard for me to tell this to you, since I don't want YOU to think that I'm a failure. I know you don't think that, but seriously, what's wrong with me? I don't understand how the system works, really, and everyone keeps telling me that these things happen and that there's "nothing wrong with me" but it's hard to feel anything but rejection.

Mom, this is where I need you to shine. I know your first instinct is to get mad on my behalf, to cry with me, to stay up all night worrying, to wonder why those awful women in sororities didn't want me. I'm going to ask you hard questions: "Why doesn't anybody want me? Do people think I'm a loser? Why didn't I get into XYZ? Why did Amy-From-High-School get into a sorority and not me?" You're not going to have any of the answers to these questions. And as much as you want to protect me and to "make it all better for me" (and as much as I imply I want this from you), you can't -- and shouldn't -- do that for me.

I'm 18 years old now. I know 18 years old doesn't seem very old, and in many ways it isn't. I haven't had the wordly experience yet to really put this rejection in perspective. You have that worldly perspective, and this is where you can help me. I need you to help me deal with this like the adult I am. I need your comfort, but I don't need you to socially protect me anymore. I want you to wave a magic wand and get me a bid to my favorite chapter, but I need you to not make this a bigger deal than it really is. Mom, the more you remain calm in light of my disappointment, and the more you encourage me to dry my tears and move on, the better off I'll be.

The more you buy into my crying and commiserate with me about how mean all the GLOs are for dropping me, the less I'm able to deal with disappointment on my own. I can't always be dependent on you, and I really need you to take this opportunity to encourage emotional autonomy. This may seem counterintuitive, but if you make TOO big a deal out of my perceived failure, I'm actually going to get the message that this is a catastrophic rejection and feel worse about myself than I would have had you lovingly helped me put my feelings in perspective and move on.

In conclusion, I know you only want to help me but I'm sure you've figured out from 18 years of parenting me that what I say I need from you and what I actually need from you are very different things. You're probably not a helicopter parent but you're almost certainly more involved in my life than your parents were involved in yours. Now that I'm in college, you need to really be cognizant of the fact that I can't come to you everytime I get a 1.7 on a test, or I get in a fight with my roommate, or a guy at a party ignores me. I know you want to be there for me, and you always will, but now that I've flown the nest, physically, and you need to push me to break free emotionally. I was dropped from recruitment today, and now you can use this opportunity to help me learn a very important lesson about my own strength and resilience.

Lots of love,
Your daughter

This letter is awesome. This is really well thought through -- for a second I thought there was a PNM actually mature, coherent and level-headed enough to post it, then I saw your join date and post history....

(if anyone wonders why i didn't figure it out from the login name, i was hoping that chi o snap bid the girl recently)

Great post! I linked this on the Gen Advice thread.

It's great and the tone seems particularly appropriate to the situation. I hope the right people read it.

Great letter for the goings on of the recruitment forum lately.

I like it a lot more than the negative things that are being posted on the Recruitment Forum.

Can we please sticky this letter and refer all parents of PNMs to this site. I know it's hard for a parent to keep things in perspective, but isn't that their job? Maybe this can be a good tool to help parents remember how to parent when their hearts are breaking with their daughters'. After all, they are just human and fail to think things through before acting!

Bump

Since it is not stickied I thought I would bump this. With my daughter going through recruitment in a few weeks, I am searching the threads now for all the good advice for moms, to remind myself how not to act. I thought there was another thread on this subject, but I am still looking. In the meantime, any advice on how to avoid Sikorsky like conduct will be well received.

I had never read this before, thanks for bumping it! Great advice!

Such a great letter! Everyone should read it before going through recruitment.

I have never seen this! Very good - definitely a sticky "must" for moms. I like the tone and approach vs the heli-mom bashing.

Wow, what an awesome letter! This should be stickied . . . ;)

That's a great letter, should be emailed to every mom with a daughter going thru recruitment. I think the emotions and stress of seeing your just moved away from home daughter going thru the rush process just gets the best of some moms and they get carried away. My daughter is very confident so I was a little surprised that she was so stressed and emotional when she rushed - was not expecting that from her at all!

Also, I agree with gee_ess, I appreciate the tone and the content of it much more than the helicopter mom mocking. I remember last year when my daughter (first born) was going thru recruitment (something I had never done) I had so many questions but I was afraid to ask anything for fear of being labeled a heli-mom when the reality was, the reason I was looking for answers was so I could be prepared when my daughter came to me with it. :)

That automatically makes you NOT one. :)

As with most other things in life, the people who need it most are the ones who pay the least attention.

BUMP.

I am desperately trying to use the %$#@ search feature on this site and am failing miserably. I still haven't located what I was hoping to find, but I did stumble across this gem so I suppose that all is not lost.

Using Google to search using Greekchat as a term is a lot more effective

Well, I tried google too. That is how I found this thread.

I thought there was a thread that was general, friendly, helpful advice to moms on how to support and encourage their daughters during recruitment. Maybe I just dreamed that. Anyone?

If not, maybe we could add it here? I am creating a hand out for the moms who attend our APH Sorority info session.

Examples:
Encourage your daughter to finish recruitment. She can always choose to not sign the bid card. However, many PNMs who make an emotional decision to drop out of Recruitment later regret that choice.

Encourage your daughter to be open to all chapters and to not enter recruitment with favorites.

Encourage your daughter to seek out her own rec writers and to make her own rec packets.

Be aware that PNMs may face disappointment at some point during recruitment. Be ready to give the "chin up, big smile, and face the day" pep talk.

You get the idea.

Any other words of wisdom for the moms?

Great idea.
I can tell you from long experience that the ones who need to read it the most will think it doesn't apply to them.
That doesn't mean you should not make the effort! The smart ones will circle back, read it again and realize that it DOES apply to them.
The stupid ones....well, you can't fix stupid if it doesn't want to be fixed.;)

If they are hearing in real life at an info session maybe it will break through to a couple mothers. Best of luck in your efforts!

Add a section: "What happens if your daughter doesn't get a bid" with tips on what to do.
They may not read it now, but eventually they will read it. We only have about 35 to 50 girls go through our alumnae panhellenic each year, but two or three wind up dropping out or not pledging.
**Hugs - real or virtual
**Sympathy - listen and sympathize without blaming
**Rest, good food - Encourage daughter to rest, get some sleep, and eat good food (not junk) - they've been through a highly stressful period and need rest
**Suggest daughter look around and find others who did not pledge or rush to come watch a movie in her room, or go do something together.
**If you're close enough, go there and treat DD to a bit of therapeutic shopping, a mani/pedi, or maybe just a shoulder to cry on and a nice drive in the country.
**Encourage DD to find other organizations on campus. Colleges often have a recruiting day for groups right around (or during) registration for upperclassmen.

^^^ Great idea! Thanks!

I also have sections on finance, legacy, supporting before and during recruitment, hazing (lack thereof), academics (ASA > AWA virtually everywhere) and a suggested timeline for getting recs in order. The timeline is also in the girls packets, but it can't hurt to have that one in two places, of course.

As for those who need to read it most not doing so: we have found that those who actually attend the event are receptive and appreciative to all of our messages, even the legacy talk. It's the ones who stubbornly proclaim that they don't need to attend the event that are the hopeless causes.

You might want to add NPC's websites, thesororitylife.com for PNMs and www.sororityparents.com for parents.

I also like Tammy's blog, www.sororitygirl101.com

We also add the panhellenic websites at the universities most attended by our hometown girls. The list of helpful websites (and it includes greekchat.com) is snatched up by moms and girls alike.

Yep! Have all of those links in the girls' packet. The girls packet is quite comprehensive and has everything that they need to know about everything. We wanted to make a smaller handout for the moms that focus on things that they always ask about, as well as the "How to support your daughter before and during recruitment" topic.

We made two separate packets, but will hand them out in one pocketed paper folder. Our hope is that the moms will be more likely to keep up with everything for the next many months until Recruitment, and that all the information will be a resource and not just hit the recycle bin 30 minutes after the event.

Keep the great ideas coming!

OOPs!
Thought this had failed to post.
See below!!

Here we are. I wrote this for my university's recruitment parents Facebook page. You read that right - one of the moms set up a Facebook page for parents of the school's PNMs. It proved very, very helpful!
Some of the moms are sorority alumnae and they helped answer questions from the non-sorority alumnae moms, but very very few were familiar with the University of Alabama's sorority recruitment. A few of us were/are, so we answer questions as best we can.

This is tailored for the University of Alabama, but every school has something similar. Feel free to adapt it for your purpose.

"What happens if your daughter is released from sorority recruitment? No invitations...just a phone call from her counselor saying, 'I'm sorry, but you have been released by all sororities from Panhellenic recruitment.'

First - breathe.

Second - cry if you like. Uncontrollably, beating your fists on the wall. Go ahead and let it out.

Third - go outside and take a deep breath. Look around.

THERE IS LIFE AFTER SORORITY RECRUITMENT. I promise!

Remember that while we moms will be a wreck for weeks, daughters will bounce back pretty quickly - despite their protests that they want to come home NOW. They need lots of sympathy, a shoulder to cry on and...encouragement that yes, they'll still love college and will do well and WILL STILL have lots of friends.
This weekend, all the rest of the kids are moving in - including the boys - and that alone is pretty exciting, especially when you go to a meal and the place has filled up!
While it seems like the entire campus has pledged and you haven't, less than 1/3 - 30% - are members of Greek societies. When everyone has moved in, she'll see that she is part of a majority.
If her roommate pledges, she will need to make some friends beyond the roommate. When I wanted company in the dorm, I'd leave my door open to passersby. Encourage her to do the same, AND stop to chat with women whose door is open to visitors.

In a few days, there will be an event called "Get on Board Day." All the clubs and organizations at the university will have tables set up in a central place to recruit new members. There is something for just about any interest - politics, sports, sports fans, art, drama - there's something for everybody. It's also a great way to try something new - water skiing? Snow skiing? Video games? Skydiving?
Encourage her to go and explore. Joining a group is another way to make new friends.

If she still feels that she belongs in a sorority, there will be another opportunity. I will say that if her grades are under a 3.0, it's going to be very difficult to pledge unless she has close friends inside the chapter or is extremely - extremely - outstanding in some other area. But if they are 3.0 or above, there is something called Continuous Open Bidding after formal recruitment is done.
In a week or so, UA Panhellenic will post notices that COB is now open. She can go to the UA Panhellenic office to sign up. Only a few sororities participate, and there are no formal parties. She might get a phone call inviting her to come to lunch, or come over to the house and watch a movie, or meet some sisters for coffee. There is no bid Bid Day. After a few of these meetings, she may get a call or a visit inviting her to pledge.

This also happens in January, because sororities lose members due to graduation, transfers, and, sometimes, resignations. Or she could go through formal recruitment next year. LOTS of sophomores and even a few juniors do this.
But by then, she may have made lots of friends doing her other activities and decide she has no need for a sorority!

So - being released from sorority recruitment is NOT the end of the world. It's just another new beginning!"

DD will go through an SEC recruitment this Fall, so this thread has come along at the perfect time! We've had the discussions about keeping an open mind, having realistic expectations, and seeing the experience as a way to meet new people, but I really appreciate reading all these suggestions about how to handle a crushed heart should her experience not be as positive as she is hoping for.