HELP! Auburn PNM question!
 

Hey! I am a mom of a PNM who made it to pref day with 3 choices she was not excited about -

Does she like the other girls in the house that she received the COB from? What are her objections to that house?

She only knows the one girl - I think because she is so blonde and the girls in this sorority are not, that she feels she may not belong. I have encouraged her not to listen to what others say about the sororities--- Frankly, though she may look like she would belong in the one she wanted, I have not been impressed with the actions of the girls I have met and am glad she got cut from them. Convincing her of that is another story. Otherwise, she knows nothing about the individual girls. She had fun at the supper they took her to a few nights ago and tonight will meet some of the actual pledges.....

check your private messages
 

I just PM'd you.

It is much harder to recieve a bid as a Sophmore at Auburn then it would be as a Freshman, especially if your daughter is limiting herself to only 4 out of the 16 sororities on campus (which is how I interpreted your remarks above). The Panhellenic office might be able to tell you how many Sophmores get bids each year, but I doubt they are going to be able to tell you how many get bids to just certain sororites (i.e. the 4 your daughter likes).

I would encourage her to think long and hard about joining the sorority that COB'ed her and remind her that if she passes this one up too (because I think you said she passed up the first COB), it will get increasingly harder to join a sorority. If she's truly in it for the sisterhood and not just for the prestige, she should be able to find a home in more then just her top four sororities!

That said, if she really doesn't like this sorority and wants to hold out and rerush next fall, she's going to have to keep her grades up, get involved in campus, and if possible, befriend some of the actives in the sororities she does want to join. Even with all of that, it may be difficult for her next year.

Good luck to her and to you!

I guess my only advice for you, mom, is to be supportive of your daughter's decision. But, you have to let your daughter make that decision, as she's the one who will be making the commitments/living with the consequences that come with whatever she decides.

As for advice for your daughter (yes, I realize she didn't solicit it, but her mom asked, nonetheless)... There are many excellent reasons to join a particular sorority. There are also many excellent reasons not to join a particular sorority. If she's in it for the sisterhood, philanthropy, social outlets, etc., then she's going to get what she's looking for no matter which group she joins (assuming everything I've heard about AU sororities is true). If she's looking for a particularly-lettered feather in her cap, then she obviously has her mind made up. She's really the only one who can make this choice, and nothing anyone here says will make much of a difference.

She can always depledge before she initiates if she decides that sorority life is right for her, but this particular sorority isn't (if she initiates, she can't ever join another group). This could very likely affect her in the future (should she decide to rush again), but it's still an option.

Amen!

I would say that not wanting to be blonder than the other members is an unusual standard to use in choosing a group and it's particularly hard to offer suggestions in solving this particular dilemma.

Perhaps once you have gotten as much information from Greek Life as you can about how many sophomores typically get bids at the group that your daughter really wanted during recruitment, and honestly, they are the only ones who can provide this information accurately if they are willing to, then your should encourage your daughter to follow her heart (she can always find another haircolorist).

You're kidding, right?

:confused: Are you saying that your daughter has received 1 COB already?

(Just trying to clarify - you said she suicided and was unmatched, but then you said that she recieved a bid. Before I give any sort of answer, just wanted to make sure that I'm picturing the right scenario in my head. :))

She suicided and went unmatched. She was offered one COB bid and declined. She was offered a bid from another group, and is thinking about it.

Thanks for the Cliff notes. My brain just isn't absorbing lengthy posts today. :o

I've always thought that all of the chapters at Auburn are wonderful groups in their own right. To have the opportunity to join 2 chapters via COB is an opportunity that many young women at Auburn would be thrilled to have.

Perhaps the OPs daughter should keep that in mind. I don't believe too many chapters at Auburn COB - if she has her heart set on only the "top 4" groups, its not likely to happen via COB. And I'd be surprised if she'd be able to get in by rusing as a sophomore, if she got cut from those 4 chapters as a freshman.

Tough to swallow, perhaps, but still the reality of the situation. I'd definitely be keeping an open mind about the chapters who do want her right now. If the chapters she wants are the ones I suspect, its not terribly likely she'll get a bid from them. (Not that they might not like her, but they probably don't have any more spots this year and will fill open spots next year with freshmen.)

I apologize to the other fine Greek Chatters for my lack of decorum, but the constant thwack thwack thwack of the helicopters over the past couple of weeks has turned my brain to mush. If indeed this poster isn't yet another spoof.

Sorry- stopped for lunch! Let me try to respond to the comments.

Violet pretty said it right!
She suicided and went unmatched. She was offered one COB bid and declined. She was offered a bid from another group, and is thinking about it.

Am I kidding? No, I am just stating the facts. It is difficult to make an 18 year old see things the way we older girls do. I know, and you know, it ought to be based on the personalities only, but it is not. Both in the rushing sorority and the rushee. That is one of the things that matters to a girl just out of high school. Believe you me, I have told her it is her decision and to please make it based on how she interacts with these other girls. I also want to give her some idea of what she may face if she turns this down. I don't think the sororities she would like to be in (there are actually 10 of the 16 she in interested in, just had a top pick) offer COB bids and take very many upperclassmen. I also pointed out that the 2 sororities who have offered bids may not look at her next year.

I guess I just needed other girls who understood what I am feeling here. Helpless and seeking to say the right thing to help my daughter make the best decision.

My reason for coming here was to seek out information on the liklihood of upperclassmen getting in. I was not trying to find her a place. That is not my responsibility. I have only been to the campus 2 times as it is.

This describes 99% of the girls rushing at Auburn. But they also grew up in places like Mountain Brook, went to the same schools and their daddies have played golf together at the same club for years.

this is exactly how my daughter described feeling during rush.

No, I DID NOT rush. Forgive the slip of my tongue. I was touched by the young lady who came and told my daughter she was released. I was very impressed with the pi chi system.

I doubt this is the issue at all. You seem much more concerned about
her not being in a lower tier sorority that is somehow beneath her. You know, the ones that have to COR now.
WOW - I have been slapped, I guess. I would rather my daughter be with girls who will be friends for years to come. Since I have never known much about Auburn, I have been fortunate to now know which ones are the tops or bottoms. I was only referring to where my daughter saw herself.

I understand what your saying, and like everyone is saying its your daughter's decision. Honestly, we can tell you all the right things to say to your daughter but to your daughter it might not be what she wants to hear. As much as you think that all she wants is sisterhood, all the "tent talk" really can get to her, and skew her decision of what she ultimately wants (trust me i've been there).

Tell your daughter everything that we've been saying but ultimately let her decide. She's gonna have to live with her decision for the next 4 years. If she decides to not accept the invite and rush again, be supportive but don't do the "grunt work" (i.e. finding out how many sophomores get bids). That is not for you to do, she's in college now--let her do it.

Also realize (and let your daugher know too) that next year, all the new PNMs will have everything going for them, plus something she doesn't----being a first time freshman (which is much more desirable).

I think your "evaluation" is off. I'll admit that i critize a lot of "helicopter moms" but at the moment I don't think AuburnPNMmom is (of course i could be wrong). She's not trying to push her daughter into getting a top tier sorority. It seems as mom wants to see her daughter has a happy sorority member, but daughter's too much into getting into the "right" sorority.

In that case...
 

I would advise your daughter to decline the bid from the brunette group (or redheads) because I wouldn't want her to feel out of place... and to try re-rushing again for one of the Top Four Blonde Sororities as a sophomore in an ultra-competitive rush.

If your daughter was really in it for the "sisterhood/philanthropy" etc that you speak of, she wouldn't care what color (real or not) her sister's hair might be.

Just sayin'.

You know what? I think that when someone is new to an area, they may not know the right language to put their questions in. This mom, who isn't Greek or from Alabama, is trying to do the right thing.

It's like on adoption boards where some prospective adoptive parent comes on asking how to adopt and phrases an innocent question in the wrong way, like "How do birthmothers give up their babies?" and the experienced adoptive parents rush into the kill with "Arrrghh! You said "give up"! Nobody uses that term, you idiot, they relinquish them!" This goes on for a few posts and you never hear from the poor woman again, who is probably experiencing infertility anyway and the last thing she needs is an attack from strangers.

Unless a new poster truly gets ugly or demanding here, why would we want to attack them?

Carnation, I agree with you. I think generally we should actually try to play nice and give people the benefit of the doubt.

But my goodness, the mom indicated her daughter was using hair color as an indication of comfort level with the group. It's going to be really hard for most folks to tactfully make helpful suggestions.

Is that the same as "give up" verse "relinquish"? Maybe it is.

Thank you EPChick. I feel so much better reading your message. That is how I left it with my daughter. I hope that she will be able to see that herself. It has been so hard listening to her cry and not be able to do anything. Everywhere I have tried to steer her she feels surrounded by girls in a sorority. She also lives on the hill and sees it everyday. I, too, feel that she sould take the opportunity. If this were our state, she would not have had this issue as she and us are well known here. She, however, chose Auburn because of all the schools we visited, she loved it the best. She also wanted to go where she could be known as herself and not by our family name. We never even looked into how hard rush would be. We thought we did all the right things. I say we, because I tried to help us get her recs, clothes,etc for rush. I don't know what a helicopter mom is, I found this forum by doing an internet search for Auburn Sorority Rush Experiences and this forum came up.

Hi! I don't know much about AU rush, except that it is competitive and that getting a bid as a sophomore is tough. With that in mind, I would recommend that you have your daughter sit down and really think about the house that offered her a bid through COR. Have her think back to rush and think about the things she liked about the house and see if she could picture herself being a member of the house. Remember, she didn't get to meet everyone in the house during recruitment. Panhellenic total is 175, our chapter there had 191 in the spring, I say this not to scare you (or your daughter) but to emphasize that she only met, during recruitment, probably 1% of the houses.

I truly hope your daughter thinks and does decide to give the chapter a chance. They saw something that they wanted in your daughter as a sister of their chapter, that say's alot!

Remember, things happen for a reason, and your daughter not bid matching but receiving these bids could be a sign. :)

Did you wear pink sequined pantyhose to first round, by any chance?

:o Somehow, I can't help but think of the Sweet Valley High twins recruitment thread.

Good post.

Many of the decisions that your daughter made during the process suggest that she wasn't interested in simply joining groups that wanted her as a member. She elected to suicide and turn down one COB. She seems to have very strong ideas about what she wants; perhaps you should just turn it over to her to handle.

The other thing you can do is to review the new member list on the Auburn website and see how many sophomores got bids at the groups she is most interested in.

ETA: sorry, the Auburn list doesn't show class standing. My bad.

Gosh, I am sorry I religated my daughter to just being blonde. It was just a way to describe the individual so you could possibly help discern the advice to give me in helping her. She is a beautiful girl who has never face a lot of disappointment so this was a big blow. Yes, she is trying to accept that where she thought she would fit in best did not happen. Not even having had time to process that, she is dealing with choices that terrify her because it will affect her time at school I want her to be where she will fit best, but I also hate to see her gamble with what appears to be very slim chances next year. *sigh* I hope I did'nt make anyone mad by using this forum. It looked to be a pretty friendly place where I might get some helpful advice. and I have. I am deeply appreciative for those who have genuinely tried to help.

And hopefully she will see that, but also realize she might not.

I've been there, when i was a senior in HS i desperately wanted to be a cheerleader. But I didn't make it, and I couldn't realize why--i mean i had better jumps than some that made it, and i was friends with a lot of the girls etc. My mom had to stop me and realize "why," why did i want to be a cheerleader? For the status, because i love cheerleading?

I dont know if you have, but try and "sit her down" and ask her "why."

-Why does she want to be in a sorority?
-Does she want her Top 4, just for status?

Maybe after actually having that chat with her, will she might realize that she's not giving all the sororities a fair chance.

Rush is artificial. It seems like we might fit in with ABC sorority perfectly and not in XYZ, but after rush we see that ABC really aren't what they appeared and XYZ has a great sisterhood.

I hope everything works out well for both you and your daughter.

LOL - That is great - pink sequined panty hose?? No, none worn....ever.....

epchick.
Yes, I have had quite a few discussions with her. some not too nice but pretty hard trying to get her to have an open view and get over her preconceived notions. I am hoping that she will do as her heart tells her. She likes the girls she has met - she is worried because she has only met a few and not all - and her roommate is dissing this sorority and trying to convince her to wait. This is what I am trying to get her not to listen to

It just occured to me that you may have been serious, AlphaGamUGAalum....and on the first day, she wore a cute dress by Nanette Lepore....

It's more difficult- but not impossible- for sophomores to get bids during formal recruitment. If your daughter does decide to rush again next year, I would recommend that she spend this year getting to know members from all the groups on campus.

It was a joke based on another thread. It was a story about recruitment involving VIPs.

There's no problem with your daughter being blonde, but let's be honest, is her being blonder than the groups who want her really the way you want to frame her priorities? In retrospect doesn't it make her look kind of bad?

I understand that you want her to be happy and take advantage of the chances she's got. Wanting to know the number of sophomores seems like a reasonable question to me, but the additional information presents the overall issue more poorly than you probably wanted it to.

Is it the end of the world that we got the wrong idea? No, it doesn't matter at all. But it might be better to err on the side of presenting your daughter in the absolute most positive light.

Here's what's likely to be the first impression you've created of your daughter's behavior and our reactions:

Limited herself to four groups: bad, reduces chances of a bid she wants.

Suiciding: bad, reduces her changes of getting a bid.

Mis-matching but turning down a COB: bad, reduces her chance of being a member

Maybe turning down a second COB: bad, reduces her chance of being a member.

Promoting the idea that she's such a big deal this never would have happened in her home state: bad, creates the impression that you don't think Auburn groups know what to look for in members.

So while wanting to know about sophomores is a valid question in and of itself, trying to see what the chances are that your daughter will get a particular bid next year, while somewhat understandable, is beyond the scope of anything we can help you with AND with the additional information that you've provided might make people reluctant to be helpful because your daughter doesn't have what we'll refer to here as Panhellenic Spirit.

She only wants certain groups. This year they didn't want her. Your re-cap makes clear she wasn't interested in two or three others. We have no way of knowing if the groups she wants will be more likely to want her next year or if she should just take the bid she's been offered.

If Auburn is like some of the others (like Ole Miss), if she does join a sorority she might not meet everyone. In fact, there might be some girls she won't get along with. I joined my sorority, not because i loved everyone (although my sisters are fantastic), but there were a few that I "clicked" with and join because of them.

Her roommate is going to be a big thorn in her side, but a lot of us have had similar people in our "journey." The fact is, roomie might be leading your daughter into disaster by telling her to wait. Let your daughter realize that sorority membership extends beyond college. She might not always get along with her collegiate sisters, but there might be a group of alumnae that she just meshes well with.

But like i said, its ultimately your daughter's decision. You might not like what she decides, but she is going to have to live with it.

You know, I agree with you. I have been trying to get my daughter to see just exactly that. I see it - I think it is obvious, but she is too hurt to see it right now. IT sounds easy - my husband keeps just telling her to pull her bootstraps up and get on with it. But, she has really been upset about it. The not knowing for me is reason enough to take this bid and become the best XYZ she can be and in turn, be an asset to the sorority. I would rather see her share herself than hide and wait.

Of course she's hurt, and it might not go away for a while. Even if she joins XYZ, she'll probably look at the Top 4 she wanted and wonder "what if." There is always a reason she didn't join the Top 4, and its human-nature to dwell on why.

But you seem to have the right attitude, and hopefully she'll be able to realize that before its too late. Good Luck!

To AuburnPNMmom:
I too was a mom of a very disappointed daughter last year during her rush. She withdrew from rush on Pref Day because she felt that she did not belong in the one house that invited her. But she really enjoyed her school, and so got involved and got great grades, made lots of friends and decided to rush as a sophomore. She had a successful rush but it is definitely harder as a sophomore. She only had two houses on Skit Day and only one on Pref Day. But she had learned a lot about herself over the past year and realized that it was sisterhood that she wanted and so is thrilled with her choice. Your daughter will grow from her experience whether she excepts the bid or not. But only she can make that choice.

We are crossing our fingers here at home. I will post here tomorrow what happened. Thanks so much for all of your help!

You may want to tell her that my daughter's pledge class has only 3 sophomores. That seems to be the norm.

Thanks, Bamamom13 - That is really the first number I have heard - is that at Bama or AU?

Bama but they have an equally competitive rush.

My daughter will tell you that most of the girls she knows that are sophomores and rushed this year got their second choice if they had more than one choice. And those that had more than one choice did not go through rush last year so they were not re-rushing. Your daughter, like mine may find it more difficult because they went through rush twice. She may really want to think about all this when making her choice.